Regret of being a late bloomer and older singleness

[1nteger]

I don't mean this to be a downer post; I'm much happier today than I've been for years due to coming back to my Christian faith. However, I thought maybe other single Christians might be able to offer good advice.

I've never dated when I was younger due to shyness and some body image issues. I also started college later than the norm(mid-twenties). Over time, I just got used to not trying even when I knew of people I liked (and possibly liked me). To be honest, deep down I wish I had a wife and family sometimes, and it saddens me that things didn't work out that way. However, I also realize I didn't have a lot of direction or financial stability, and wasn't a practicing Christian for those years, so it's probably for the best that I didn't complicate things back then. I needed to be thinking of God first and my spiritual life!

Right now, I have finished my education in something I love and have a good body image from regular exercise, and I'm looking forward to my future career. However, I kind of have a fear that I started improving too late, and women in their early to mid-thirties probably expect someone farther along in a career and social life.

It comforts me that I should be working for God's standards and not society, but I won't lie and say I don't have insecurities that I'm behind peers my age. To members here, am I letting my fears get to me? I want to think that lots of people are understanding and have their own insecurities from the past, but some things I read on places like Reddit worry me that people do view people like me as a red flag.

 

[frank1234]

Hi. I have to say that I totally relate(and then some). How about being 60 years of age(with chronic health problems), and most of those issues that you talked about(and maybe some different ones also). All of my friends are married and have children. I didn't even know what I am supposed to do and what I am good at until recently. You have to understand that God has a plan for you. He already knew about all of these things of yours before you were even born. So, this knowledge, and the fact that He loves you, should give you a lot securities. All you can do is to concentrate on now and the future. The past has brought you to where you are here now. Of course, your spiritual life comes first(like for me), and then the rest The Lord will guide you and provide for you and the right person at the right time.
I am 60 and still single. A lot of thinking about the past, but it gets me nowhere. The lord really used all of these times of mine and thought me a lot of things that I don't think I would have learned any other way, and He is going to use me mightily(this I know). The scriptures says "But to whom little is forgiven, the same loves little".
So, be of good cheer. Keep trusting The Lord. Keep doing the work of The Lord. Everything else falls into place in time.
God bless.

 

[timewerx]

Right now, I have finished my education in something I love and have a good body image from regular exercise, and I'm looking forward to my future career. However, I kind of have a fear that I started improving too late, and women in their early to mid-thirties probably expect someone farther along in a career and social life.

Women of that age may have different expectations. They may want to have kids soon.

You better be prepared mentally and financially to deal with that situation. If you can land a job that is relevant to your college major then that solves your financial situation but the mental part is up to you.

Or find someone younger than you. Someone still in their twenties. I don't think the age gap is going to be an issue if you can avoid those with terrible character. Definitely avoid snobs even if they're friendly to you (but snobs other people). These women have unrealistically high expectations. If you start failing their expectations, it will be trouble.

 

[bèlla]

It comforts me that I should be working for God's standards and not society, but I won't lie and say I don't have insecurities that I'm behind peers my age. To members here, am I letting my fears get to me? I want to think that lots of people are understanding and have their own insecurities from the past, but some things I read on places like Reddit worry me that people do view people like me as a red flag.

I think that looks differently for everyone. My daughter is in her early thirties and our standard for companionship is well defined. She is not without suitors and had them since her teens. A man without the same and requisite experiences is unlikely to warrant interest.

 

[DragonFox91]

Reddit is some of your problem. It's very toxic there. Stay way from it. No matter the topic, it just attracts toxic people.

You're fine. Focus on the Lord & his Word. Overall sounds like you have a good attitude / perspective on it. But you're not "behind". The Lord works with different people at different paces. He's always on time with his children. And different women attracted to different men. Someone used to tell me 'we're not a hivemind!' No limit to love or power of God. Be true to yourself but work on yourself. Be who God wants you to be. Be true to him. He is your first love. He never stops working on his children. Maybe he has marriage for you, maybe he doesn't. You can trust him either way he knows what's best for you. His way is best. You exercise, you're in the Lord, you're trying to better yourself, you don't seem to let your sadness control you, you're making good decisions. Continue on. He is always on time, his timing is always perfect. What he starts he finishes, it's as good as finished to him.

 

[timewerx]

Reddit is some of your problem. It's very toxic there. Stay way from it. No matter the topic, it just attracts toxic people.

You're fine. Focus on the Lord & his Word. Overall sounds like you have a good attitude / perspective on it. But you're not "behind". The Lord works with different people at different paces. He's always on time with his children. And different women attracted to different men. Someone used to tell me 'we're not a hivemind!' No limit to love or power of God. Be true to yourself but work on yourself. Be who God wants you to be. Be true to him. He is your first love. He never stops working on his children. Maybe he has marriage for you, maybe he doesn't. You can trust him either way he knows what's best for you. His way is best. You exercise, you're in the Lord, you're trying to better yourself, you don't seem to let your sadness control you, you're making good decisions. Continue on. He is always on time, his timing is always perfect. What he starts he finishes, it's as good as finished to him.

I won't regard online information like reddit as reliable information when it comes dating.

My real life, public, and face-to-face encounters are quite different from online experiences.

Maybe people are far more discriminating online because you don't see the person you're talking too. No benefit of body language, facial expressions, voice tones, etc. And people can be uglier on pictures than in real life.

OP should sign up for local events (doesn't matter if its singles only event or not) or participate in church events, become member of church clubs. I think that's the best way to meet people.

Sometimes I think singles-only events can be awkward on those with little to no experience with dating than compared to mixed status events where the latter is more fluid and no expectations at all but to have fun.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

I won't regard online information like reddit as reliable information when it comes dating.

My real life, public, and face-to-face encounters are quite different from online experiences.

Maybe people are far more discriminating online because you don't see the person you're talking too. No benefit of body language, facial expressions, voice tones, etc. And people can be uglier on pictures than in real life.

OP should sign up for local events (doesn't matter if its singles only event or not) or participate in church events, become member of church clubs. I think that's the best way to meet people.

Sometimes I think singles-only events can be awkward on those with little to no experience with dating than compared to mixed status events where the latter is more fluid and no expectations at all but to have fun.

Along with Reddit, you could say that about any message board environment.

 

[timewerx]

Along with Reddit, you could say that about any message board environment.

Anything is better than Reddit. At least here we see the same people most of the time. Reddit is just random people and doesn't feel real as the one we have here.

 

[Richard T]

I don't mean this to be a downer post; I'm much happier today than I've been for years due to coming back to my Christian faith. However, I thought maybe other single Christians might be able to offer good advice.

I've never dated when I was younger due to shyness and some body image issues. I also started college later than the norm(mid-twenties). Over time, I just got used to not trying even when I knew of people I liked (and possibly liked me). To be honest, deep down I wish I had a wife and family sometimes, and it saddens me that things didn't work out that way. However, I also realize I didn't have a lot of direction or financial stability, and wasn't a practicing Christian for those years, so it's probably for the best that I didn't complicate things back then. I needed to be thinking of God first and my spiritual life!

Right now, I have finished my education in something I love and have a good body image from regular exercise, and I'm looking forward to my future career. However, I kind of have a fear that I started improving too late, and women in their early to mid-thirties probably expect someone farther along in a career and social life.

It comforts me that I should be working for God's standards and not society, but I won't lie and say I don't have insecurities that I'm behind peers my age. To members here, am I letting my fears get to me? I want to think that lots of people are understanding and have their own insecurities from the past, but some things I read on places like Reddit worry me that people do view people like me as a red flag.

The bible actually says it is unwise to compare yourself to others. You need to quit sweating your current status and start believing God for a mate. No, you are not too late. No, your body image does not matter either. What really matters is faith and confidence in God. Who you are in Him. You do not have to be perfect, but let God lead you into your relationship, where you can grow and understand how marriage is going to work. Even if you have "dead end" relationships (I hope you can avoid) they too can be used to prepare you for the right one. "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." Stay focused on God and start believing that you will find your better half. God himself said it is better for man to not be alone, that two are better than one. Yes, it is fine if you choose not to marry, but if it is a desire in your heart, then go before God knocking in faith believing He has answered even before you meet her.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Anything is better than Reddit. At least here we see the same people most of the time. Reddit is just random people and doesn't feel real as the one we have here.

So a Christian sub-Reddit is worse than this one? I'm like "pick your poison" lol

 

[timewerx]

but if it is a desire in your heart, then go before God knocking in faith believing He has answered even before you meet her.

What if God needs you single? What if God needs you single for another couple years? Shouldn't we ask God His plans for us first?

Not all of our desires fit God's plans even if our desires are righteous. I think we should consult God's plan for us first.

 

[Richard T]

Would seem rare for God to really need someone single. "While Jesus taught on marriage in Matthew 19:1-12, he mentioned eunuchs living lives of singleness in verse 12: “For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”

John Gill’s commentary provides a thorough explanation of the three kinds of eunuchs in this verse, defining them as either impotent from birth, castrated by men, or one who voluntarily chose a life of celibacy in order to be freer to serve God’s kingdom." Source: What Is a Eunuch in the Bible? Definition and Examples

If we use Gill's definition, if one has the desire in their heart to be married then there is no reason not to be married. Paul was a bit extreme, but he also gave a choice. Plus, better to marry than to burn with passion. Though Paul was single, and said singles could serve the kingdom better, that should be contrasted with the scripture that overseers or pastors should be the husband of one wife. While Catholics and some denominations may require single priests, protestants are more likely to want a pastor that is married. This is because the pastors wife is often a leader and example in the church and frankly can be quite helpful. The most prominent Protestant leaders that I can think of all were married. If one were going to sacrifice the idea of a spouse that is a good thing. However, if the fruit is lacking then what is the point? Many I think just give up and resign themselves to the idea that it must be God's will for them to be single. I would hypothesize that most of those should double down in going before God and they too can come out successfully married.

 

[timewerx]

Would seem rare for God to really need someone single. "While Jesus taught on marriage in Matthew 19:1-12, he mentioned eunuchs living lives of singleness in verse 12: “For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”

John Gill’s commentary provides a thorough explanation of the three kinds of eunuchs in this verse, defining them as either impotent from birth, castrated by men, or one who voluntarily chose a life of celibacy in order to be freer to serve God’s kingdom." Source: What Is a Eunuch in the Bible? Definition and Examples

If we use Gill's definition, if one has the desire in their heart to be married then there is no reason not to be married. Paul was a bit extreme, but he also gave a choice. Plus, better to marry than to burn with passion. Though Paul was single, and said singles could serve the kingdom better, that should be contrasted with the scripture that overseers or pastors should be the husband of one wife. While Catholics and some denominations may require single priests, protestants are more likely to want a pastor that is married. This is because the pastors wife is often a leader and example in the church and frankly can be quite helpful. The most prominent Protestant leaders that I can think of all were married. If one were going to sacrifice the idea of a spouse that is a good thing. However, if the fruit is lacking then what is the point? Many I think just give up and resign themselves to the idea that it must be God's will for them to be single. I would hypothesize that most of those should double down in going before God and they too can come out successfully married.

That is also true but it wouldn't hurt to ask God first and wait for Him to reveal His plan for us.

It is not a sacrifice if God did meant a person to be single. God's plan for someone's life is the best life they could possibly live that's why it won't be a sacrifice.

It would only be a sacrifice if you chose to be single without asking God first or without waiting for His plan/answer.

I personally consider myself fortunate for being single all these years. I so badly wanted to get married when I graduated from college. But looking back, I have dodged a huge bullet for staying single. It could have been a disaster mainly because of me.

I'm in a much better shape mentally and spiritually to get married today but I'm still asking the Lord. Who knows what tomorrow may bring. Although the chance of a global meltdown in the near future is very remote, only the Lord knows.

 

[linux.poet]

There are other people who are "slow" like you for various reasons. I need to get off this soapbox, but Christian dating is not about looking for a demographic trend, it's about looking for a person, and people are as unique as the stars.

The reason why demographic trend analysis in dating is a thing is because unbeliever daters just want a lot of women to go through, the false reassurance that what they want in the dating pool is replaceable. So they marry a "trend" of women rather than just one person, deciding what type of woman suits their fancy to enjoy and dispose of. That's the origin of the thought cycle.

Then, the fear of not getting married leads people to incorporate this way of thinking because they think they have to go through a bunch of duds to find the One. Maybe you do need to reject some bad people before the person you want shows up, but they would have to be rejected even if there was no demographic trend supporting them. And that wouldn't be demographic wants anyway, it's the character of the people you are rejecting.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Just pray for God's will for this area and go out and meet some people. May the Lord guide you on your search, and bring you the right helpmate for your particular calling.

 

[GospelS]

I don't mean this to be a downer post; I'm much happier today than I've been for years due to coming back to my Christian faith. However, I thought maybe other single Christians might be able to offer good advice.

I've never dated when I was younger due to shyness and some body image issues. I also started college later than the norm(mid-twenties). Over time, I just got used to not trying even when I knew of people I liked (and possibly liked me). To be honest, deep down I wish I had a wife and family sometimes, and it saddens me that things didn't work out that way. However, I also realize I didn't have a lot of direction or financial stability, and wasn't a practicing Christian for those years, so it's probably for the best that I didn't complicate things back then. I needed to be thinking of God first and my spiritual life!

Right now, I have finished my education in something I love and have a good body image from regular exercise, and I'm looking forward to my future career. However, I kind of have a fear that I started improving too late, and women in their early to mid-thirties probably expect someone farther along in a career and social life.

It comforts me that I should be working for God's standards and not society, but I won't lie and say I don't have insecurities that I'm behind peers my age. To members here, am I letting my fears get to me? I want to think that lots of people are understanding and have their own insecurities from the past, but some things I read on places like Reddit worry me that people do view people like me as a red flag.

Do not be afraid. You did well. The bride was and is God's final creation. The time is now. The last shall be first, and the first shall be last.