Regaining sexual purity in a relationship?

[Anonymous18]

Hi all, I'm very sorry if this is tmi but I need advice.

I have been dating a wonderful man for over 9 months. We are both incredibly strong in our decision to wait until marriage, but unfortunately have rationalized until this point that "things leading up to sex aren't actually sex" and have been doing nearly everything besides actual intercourse for the past 3ish months. I have recently been convicted of the fact that the problem isn't sex, but lust, and so abstaining from other sexual activities is also required.

I am absolutely sure that if I voice these concerns to my bf he will understand and respect my decision, but unless his opinion changes the way mine did, I'm afraid that he will be quite disappointed. I've given him a taste of something that every person wants, however sinful it might be, and now I'm going to take that away.

Additionally, we have grown quite comfortable with each other (i.e. changing in the same room because "we've seen it before anyway"). While I can stop doing that in particular, it's more of an underlying problem; our intimacy has simply grown too far for this stage in our relationship.

The first answer is going to be to spend less time alone together, but unfortunately we both live alone, and he comes to visit for a weekend at a time because he lives far away, so there really is no way around it. My question is more along the lines of how we can change our relationship dynamic so that it's more acceptable and God oriented.

Thank you all for reading, I appreciate any help you can give <3

 

[RaymondG]

The only answer I can think of is to get married and soon. You may be able to cut things off and have the man remain faithful, if you were the first/only girl he has done these things with. Other than that, it is hard to give a man something "good" and then take it away without the void getting filled in other ways.... Hard...but not impossible.....

 

[Greg J.]

You are already on the path to pleasing God greatly. Be thankful that you can seek purity at this point, because most people find it impossible due to not really wanting to make sacrifices to do so. It sounds like you already know what needs to be done, actually, so I just want to encourage you that it will pay off in the long-run, and that includes with your relationship. It is often the case with the Lord that we need to choose pain now for happiness later. Those who do not have their heart set on their best future cannot make that choice.

I urge you to draw a line you both understand and never cross over it until if/when you marry. For some that will include no long kisses, because of how hard it gets to stop there. Non-sexual affection can go a long way in comforting each other from loneliness. Examine your love in the context of sacrifice and commitment. If you don't desire to sacrifice everything for him or aren't willing to make a lifetime commitment from which there is no way to escape, then it is likely you are perceiving lust as love. Pure love is completely unselfish. Sacrificing pleasure for the time being is a kind of test of your love, actually. Loving God as the most important person (and thus being obedient) always pays off in the long run compared to what you think constitutes loving another or seeking your own happiness.

 

[BatCat]

Forgive me for any flawed logic, I'm new here. Try to see the greater purpose of purity. Sin/impurity isn't just bad because God said so. It's bad because God said so AND he's always right. Therefore it's bad for a reason. The fact that he is right means that there is evidence to show that he is true. I've lived and am living that evidence. I've been with my girlfriend for two years. We live together. She's been with another man before me and regrets it horribly. The thought of that tears me apart. I've never ever held it against her, because that's between her and God. When we first started dating, within the first few months I gave myself to her because my faith was weak. Since then we have been seeking God together and have resisted, but sometimes failing. The issues that we have encountered from immorality make resisting the temporary temptation seem so minuscule.

Since we can't see the future, we don't know who we are going to marry. That's why we can't just assume that he/she is "the one". My gf thought her ex was the one. Now I'm the second one.

Summary: It's not worth it! God set these rules because he wants our souls to be happy! We can't truly be happy and accepting sin, we have to turn the other way.

 

[Dave-W]

We are both incredibly strong in our decision to wait until marriage, but unfortunately have rationalized until this point that "things leading up to sex aren't actually sex" and have been doing nearly everything besides actual intercourse for the past 3ish months.

You are so not alone in that position. There are probably thousands of young christian couples with the exact same struggle at any given time.

The drives are so strong that we want or need) some kind of relief. But the question you guys have asked (even if you are not aware of it) is "How far can we go before it gets sinful?" IMO that is the wrong question.

It should be: "How can I honor God and my bf/gf in this relationship?"

I agree with Raymond that if your desires for each other are that strong, and you are both spiritually and emotionally compatible, Get married. SOON. Paul said in 1 Cor 7 it is better to marry than to burn with passion. But if you are NOT compatible or in a place where you cannot get married (for what ever reason) then you need to break it off completely.

Your line of acceptability is already well into what most would consider fornicating. It is almost impossible to move that line back once it has come that close to complete intimacy. It can only move forward; meaning that eventually you will cross that line as well and have intercourse.

Get married. Or break up. Those are your choices if you want to stop sinning sexually.