Duffy said:
Maybe if you have a clearer idea of why you feel like this, you'll be able to figure out how to handle it?
I've heard of a type of depression that changes with the time of year (I dunno, something to do with hot/cold weather). Might that be what you're struggling with?
Also, does a lot of it revolve around your previous suicide attempt/depression? Such events can give you PTSD...
To be honest, there's no way to find out or certain without contacting a doctor for diagnosis. If you can't afford the medical fees, then I'd suggest talking to some friends, being frank about it and saying that you'd really like to go to the doctor to check that everything is ok but, in order to do so, you need to borrow some money. I realise that'll probably sound like a really unattractive option, but they'll be far more hurt if they find out you've been hiding something like this from them and helping you talk to someone who might be able to help will probably make them feel a little better about the situation because, regrettable though it is, they'd have had the option to do something productive.
All of these are just suggestions, so if you don't really find this useful, I'm really sorry to bother you, just disregard it...
Hi Duffy,
I do appreciate your suggestions and it's never a bother.
I have been diagnosed with post traumatic and no, I don't seem to struggle much around the time I attempted suicide. It's not really related to certain times of the year anymore, but just events, like too much stress (my current issue, because I don't foresee things getting better.)
Most of my current issues are surrounding finances or just current and alleviated stress. I have no friends who I can borrow money from, nor would I, as if I were going to, I'd use it for the vast amount of bills I already have. I do know what the doctors have said are the root of such ideations, but I am hoping someone can potentially give me input into whether such things do really go away. It's been there for so long, sporadically, but it's still there nonetheless. I've tried about every medication which is typical and some you wouldn't begin to think would be utilized, with only a few actually helping, and even those are difficult to acquire due to a lack of finances, money for prescriptions, insurance, doctor's office co-pays and etc., so I just try to pray and use what I can to avoid going into a completely depressive and anxious/suicidal manner, but I don't know if it's ever going to leave, or if people just learn to live with this type of thing.
The doctors have pretty much said I am "prone to this" (not bipolar, or schizophrenic, but due to ptsd and such things). I want to believe there's something more than this that they have told me, and while doctors are fine and stuff, I want to know if people have actually fully overcome suicidal thoughts, or if they always lurk.
nathan said:
Hey man, i never been down that road but i have to say that you are really strong. that said, i think you should try and be a model for others who may be in your position in the future. try to reach out to those who struggle with life's problems and be a beacon of hope. im hoping for the very best for you, i know its hard but you can do it. PM me WHENEVER needed.
Lord be with you
nate
I really appreciate that. I mean that.
I do try to reach out, which is also why certain issues resurface with me, at least I think that's why. I take on others issues to avoid my own, to somehow shelter myself from myself, and when I fail at fixing them, I have failed all together in my opinion.
I'm not strong, I'm just too stubborn to give up yet. I do think if there's a chance at helping people not come where I have been, or helping them up from it (not to say I won't be pushing them up instead of pulling), it's worth at least trying to keep myself up and here.
GoldenViolet said:
i noticed you are in the USA. county hotlines, county services, and perhaps survivior support groups maybe found in your area. you just call up your local crisis line and ask for an intake worker for referals. 
~ also, i've learned that in my own life that if something stays on my heart, it usually leads me into outreach with others. once in a while i find more out about myself through ministering to others. the support and fellowship is maybe just what you need. ~ love dee
I hope you know you're a godsend to people.
I don't do crisis lines. I don't have anything against them for others and I think they save a lot of lives and prevent a lot of lives from being destroyed, but I personally wouldn't ever call. I'd rather not discuss the reasons here, but PM would be fine if you're ever interested in that.
I talk to people online, a lot, and I talk to some friends I have which are close. I talk to God and I pray I just don't give up.
Your ideas about support and fellowship--sounds good to me. I started posting here about things like this so maybe I wouldn't lose my mind to those who still need me. I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle with a headwind blowing me down.
Too many people count of me to see me down. If they see me down, they go down themselves, so my hope if in God and maybe whatever friends I can acquire or utilize who won't be devastated if they know what's really going on.
My heart goes out to you!
It sounds like you have been through a lot of pain and that you feel very confused and afraid of these recent feelings/thoughts.
I have attempted suicide three times and my last attempt was in Dec 2001. I overcame those urges by a supporting family, keeping busy, realizing and helping my triggers, and simply
by wanting better. However, this is not to say that I do not have suicidal thoughts every now and then. But I have never acted on those feelings/thoughts and I do fight them.
Do you have a history of depression/mental illness? I have been to five counselors/medications but nothing helped me. I honestly only helped myself when I realized that I was choosing to be in pain. Of course, there are other factors involved (chemical imbalance, environmental) but for me I needed to put my problems into perspective.
I believe that finding the root of your unhappiness and suicidal thoughts will be beneficial. It sounds like you have been through a lot and yet you also sound very insightful and strong. Anyone who overcomes a suicide attempt is a strong person in my book!
I know that you said that christian counselors have not helped you, but perhaps finding a counselor through your church may be your best bet...considering your limited finances.
Personally, I would look into healing your inner child if you struggle with severly low self-esteem/inadequacy problems. I have realized that the reason my depression was prolonged is because of my hurting "inner child." You can find more information about that here:
http://www.coping.org/growth/little.htm
I truly hope the best for you and you are in my thoughts and prayers. I understand the difficulty of picking up your life after a suicide attempt, but by the sound of your post it sounds like you are truly trying to overcome the pain inside.
Thank you for sharing that and for the link and helpful information.
I haven't acted on my previous attempts either, but I've considered it many times.
My church has no one to go to. The only person I would have potentially trusted has turned their back, and therefore I have turned mine.
Counselors in general don't help, for a long list of reasons, some of which aren't appropriate to be shared here as I do not wish to harm anyone else who would read this, but if interested, PM and I would let you know.
I've been clinically depressed most of my life. I developed PTSD when I was still a kid, and just aggravated it throughout my life until now.
I've tried to get past this time and time again. It has often become a point of contention with those who rely on me as they see me as not being reliable, and therefore do not trust me. So I come here, hoping for answers, if only to know if they thoughts ever leave, or if I'll always be plagued with thoughts that this permanent solution would resolve my temporary problems, which I know well when I am doing okay, it would never do. It's only when I am down, and sad, and fighting for every crumb of strength to sound okay that I think it would help, but I forget it wouldn't.
Thank you all for your input.
