I am a firm believe in the Lord, but for over a year now I have been actively living in sin despite my faith.
I have been in a long distance relationship with another man. Now, I have never felt that I was gay, nor do I have any doubts about my sexuality. However, a part of me thinks it would be easier had I been. No, I came to be in this relationship because I felt immense loneliness. The person I was in a relationship with, became a friend of mine during this time over a mutual interest online. We talked daily, and I thought nothing of him as more than a friend. There came a time where I didn't talk to him for a few days because of a mix of poor mood and schedule. He was distraught by this, and sought me out to confess his affections for me. I was taken back, and told him that I wouldn't treat him differently, but that I couldn't return his feelings. He was slightly hurt, but we moved on. Eventually, I started asking myself why I didn't say yes. This led to me returning his feelings, and we then became nearly inseparable. The relationship had its ups and downs, but I was insanely happy overall. I believe he was too. In retrospect, our activities together didn't change any. We were simply more affection with our words and had a greater desire for the others company.
Not even a full week ago, we broke up after having about 14 months together as a couple. It was over a minor spat, and we made up as friends easily enough. Since then, I have confessed everything to my parents, prayed to God, and miraculously have been cleansed of my desires for a "romantic" relationship. However, I long painfully so for the friendship we once had. He has moved away to college, and is much busier, and is now in the presence of numerous people who most likely don't know the Lord. I fear for him so much that he will be approached by others who will bring him down. It nags at my heart so much that I can't help being borderline obsessive with him. I text him frequently, but have tried to do it less so for fear of turning him away.
Currently, I am trying so hard to rebuild our friendship. I don't want to keep him cooped up in his room so that he doesn't get to enjoy the freedom of his college life, but he has grown so distant that I don't feel I can trust him to avoid temptations he now has nearly unhindered access to. I have confided in friends who have told me that if he won't hear the pleas of someone who genuinely has his best interest at heart, then he isn't worth it and I should be done with him.
I know this isn't Godly advise, nor is it something that I want to do, but I'm growing more and more ashamed of myself each day. Earlier this evening, I poured out my concerns for him in the form of another text since it is the only way we can talk for the time being. I literally begged him to talk to me, to open up so I can know how he is.
This post has gotten precariously long, but my problem boils down to this: I am now not only lonely like how I was before, but fearful for a very important person in my life who I can't physically help in any way shape or form. I pray, I do, but the pain and constant hurt I feel isn't getting easier. I'm at my wits end half the time, and it's a downhill cycle. I'm building a habit of trying to fill the hole left by the divide in our relationship with another person. I need to fill that hole with God, but it's proving harder to do than I would like to admit...
I have been in a long distance relationship with another man. Now, I have never felt that I was gay, nor do I have any doubts about my sexuality. However, a part of me thinks it would be easier had I been. No, I came to be in this relationship because I felt immense loneliness. The person I was in a relationship with, became a friend of mine during this time over a mutual interest online. We talked daily, and I thought nothing of him as more than a friend. There came a time where I didn't talk to him for a few days because of a mix of poor mood and schedule. He was distraught by this, and sought me out to confess his affections for me. I was taken back, and told him that I wouldn't treat him differently, but that I couldn't return his feelings. He was slightly hurt, but we moved on. Eventually, I started asking myself why I didn't say yes. This led to me returning his feelings, and we then became nearly inseparable. The relationship had its ups and downs, but I was insanely happy overall. I believe he was too. In retrospect, our activities together didn't change any. We were simply more affection with our words and had a greater desire for the others company.
Not even a full week ago, we broke up after having about 14 months together as a couple. It was over a minor spat, and we made up as friends easily enough. Since then, I have confessed everything to my parents, prayed to God, and miraculously have been cleansed of my desires for a "romantic" relationship. However, I long painfully so for the friendship we once had. He has moved away to college, and is much busier, and is now in the presence of numerous people who most likely don't know the Lord. I fear for him so much that he will be approached by others who will bring him down. It nags at my heart so much that I can't help being borderline obsessive with him. I text him frequently, but have tried to do it less so for fear of turning him away.
Currently, I am trying so hard to rebuild our friendship. I don't want to keep him cooped up in his room so that he doesn't get to enjoy the freedom of his college life, but he has grown so distant that I don't feel I can trust him to avoid temptations he now has nearly unhindered access to. I have confided in friends who have told me that if he won't hear the pleas of someone who genuinely has his best interest at heart, then he isn't worth it and I should be done with him.
I know this isn't Godly advise, nor is it something that I want to do, but I'm growing more and more ashamed of myself each day. Earlier this evening, I poured out my concerns for him in the form of another text since it is the only way we can talk for the time being. I literally begged him to talk to me, to open up so I can know how he is.
This post has gotten precariously long, but my problem boils down to this: I am now not only lonely like how I was before, but fearful for a very important person in my life who I can't physically help in any way shape or form. I pray, I do, but the pain and constant hurt I feel isn't getting easier. I'm at my wits end half the time, and it's a downhill cycle. I'm building a habit of trying to fill the hole left by the divide in our relationship with another person. I need to fill that hole with God, but it's proving harder to do than I would like to admit...
