Recovering from Divorce

[Newone]

Who out there has been divorced? If you have, please read through this message - I know it is long, but I need some help from someone(s) who have been there and maybe could help me with how to get through it. Yesterday, marked one year to the day that my now ex husband told me he wanted out of our marriage.

He said he couldn't handle the pressure, that he could never be the kind of husband I needed or wanted, he was living a lie and that he had been unhappy for a long time. It was seven weeks after he walked out that I found out about "Her", the other woman. When I confronted him about her, he said that she had nothing to do with him leaving me - that he had been unhappy for so long and she happened to come along. The horror story went on from there.... I still did not want the divorce - he did and filed without telling me. I told him numerous times that I'd forgive him and we could try again - he did not want this.

I carry so much guilt about the things that I did wrong in our marriage! I was demanding! Such a strong personality - I did not let him take the spiritual lead in our relationship. I feel like if I had done things different then we'd still be together, and he would not have left me.

He is now remarried - he married the girl he cheated on me with only two weeks after our divorce was final. It makes me feel like I must have been so terrible to him that I deserve this pain that I still feel so deeply because he has moved on and I just can't seem to. Honestly, I want to try again with him and I know that I can't because he is hers now. I loved him much! He is happy now with her and I am still writhing in pain - so I guess the one who stays in the pain deserved it because they were the "bad" one in the relationship? It even sounds untrue to me as I type it, but why else am I still hurting and he moved on? You know the Biblical principal of you reap what you sow - I must have sown some pretty terrible stuff to have this happen to me. I am so sorry for what pain I apparently cause him that he needed out so bad, but will my pain ever end or do I still have lessons to learn or dues to pay and that is why I still hurt so bad?

I have been dating someone who is very good to me - brings me flowers, writes me poetry, worships with me at church and is a leader in our singles group, but I am still mourning the loss of my marriage and can't seem to move past the guilt of how I think I hurt my ex-husband! Yes he cheated, but I feel like I cause him to do it. I see myslef having some of the same behavior I had in my marriage toward this new guy. I have been broken in half by what happened to me and still have some of the same issues that I think my husband had to run from me because of. I hate this so much and want to recover and move past the guilt, but I can't seem to because I feel like if I'd been a better person and wife - not so head strong and domineering then I would still be married to the man who was my beloved.

Can anyone relate? I just need to know how to get past this. He is remarried so it is not like I can wait on God to bring him back to me - he is gone from me completely. And all I want, is a second chance with the man I love. I miss him so much!

 

[E-beth]

My first husband was unfaithful with countless strangers--pros you might say-- and I was still holding on with my fingertips. I was willing to forgive, but I just couldn't. I was willing to stay married, but in retrospect I can see what a sham it would have been. So I too blamed myself. If I was better intimately maybe he wouldn't have looked elsewhere. If I had been more loving, selfless, accepting, etc. he would have stayed. And like yours, my ex filed for the divorce and I didn't even get a lawyer, just agreed to whatever he wanted.

Now I can see things a bit clearer. HE broke the marriage covenant. If things were bad or unsatisfying for him at home, he should have worked with me to make things better. IF he wanted to work them out.

It isn't your fault. Not even the Bible condemns you. Your Ex is the one who made all the bad choices, the one who broke all the rules, and now you are free to be treated better.

You have to grieve over the end of your marriage, but work through it until you are ready to see yourself as a whole person on your own. I look back on my singlehood after my divorce as a time of great growing. I lived on my own, supported myself, dated a little, and gained more self-respect than I thought possible. When I was comfortable being with ME, I found a great guy who married me and gave me a baby.

Stop blaming yourself for your ex's bad choices and disrespectful behavior. He is the one who gave up, and start healing on your own. God has a plan for you, and holding on to a dead relationship is not going to let you blossom into the beautiful creation you can be.

 

[harc]

You mentioned about yourself being demanding, strong personality...all these sound very similar to my wife. We still stay in the marriage but finding it extremely difficult. There is nothing wrong about your personality. You are borned with it. Its no use blaming yourself which only serves to shift our responsibility. In my marriage, my wife has such advantage of having strong personality ( sometimes its just a nice way of putting it) that she made every decision, big and small, you name it, have to win in every single argument. If that is your case, that is what eating away your marriage. In my courting time, these things did not pose any problems, in fact, you enjoy it because you are thinking that you are just trying to please you girl friend. For me, its tragedy.
Forgive me if I said it wrong because I can onlt get so much from your post, I can't get the whole picture. But just from my understanding, you seem to treat your ex as your winning trophy (the aggressive nature for being strong) becos you care so much for the loss and yet your current date, who is so good to you, does not seem to excite you emotionally (thats what i can read between the lines). To move on in your future, you need to clothe in humility with extra effort to counteract that strong aggressive personality. I can tell you if you are a man, you will make a strong father and husband and have a submissive wife and a happy familiy.

 

[kimber1]

one bit of advice i will give you is be very very very VERY sure that the next person you get involved with is a strong Christian as it seems you are. i cannot begin to tell you how hard a marriage can be when one of you is strong in the faith adn the other is not. God bless you in your struggle adn He can heal all wounds.

 

[chriso]

You must ask God to forgive your past sins. And then you must be able to forgive yourself also. You have a loving Heavenly Father who is willing to take your pain away. To really heal you must be able to forgive yourself. It sounds as your ex-husband made several mistakes. Seek some council from your pastor or someone you can trust. Don't try to carry this burden alone. God Bless You. I will be praying for you.

 

[Iddie4him]

My 1st marriage was a complete sham, I made the mistake of marrying her cause she was carrying my baby. I stayed married for 10 years cause I didn't want my little girl to grow up without her daddy. She finally said quits and we went our separate ways. She is now a single mom and bitter cause I went on with my life and got remarried to a woman that I love dearly just cause she's who she is, and for giving me a beautiful son 16 mths ago. E-Beth is the best thing that ever happened to me, my son matthew is about three heartbeats behind her.
The sting and pain of a divorce is something that takes a while to go away, But, it will fade after time.
I'll pray for you for peace and contentment.

 

[Newone]

I just wanted to say a quick THANKS to all who have taken the time to read my VERY long post and then those who have also posted in return. Your encouragment and suggestions are very helpful, and they are most humbly appreciated!

AND... F.Y.I. - I am feeling much better at this point - I think writing all of that out in itself helped me pass through some of the depth of those feelings. I know it will still take some time, but the burden is not as great - AMEN!!

Blessing to all of you!

 

[capcurious]

I am still mourning the loss of my marriage and can't seem to move past the guilt of how I think I hurt my ex-husband!

I understand your guilt, the more you face it the quicker you'll learn. Learn all you can. Find the Bible verses that relate to the things you're feeling responsible for. Study them out doing word studies. Keep learning and growing in those lessons.

Now, lets consider your thoughts about wanting him back.
What are your X's qualifications as a husband.
It was his responsiblity to WORK with you over issues that were a bother to him. Not just move on.
If he wasn't willing see it through to resolution, THAT IS THE REAL ROOT CAUSE of the divorce. Lack of backbone. Like if a roof on a house leaked, rather than fix it, sell it "as is" and buy a different house.

When trouble came he bailed, throw in the towel. Try to get a grip on that and see if you would still want the weasel back. (sorry about that)

A husband needs to have the backbone to fight for what's right and good... not give up.

The little bit I've written is to give you something else to think about besides your mistakes... I wanted you to see the core problem wasn't in you. Hope it helped.

 

[Mayette]

Treat each experience we encounter in our lives as a learning challenge. Then and only then can we start looking at life ahead with Jesus' help. Goodluck on your new journey, and I will be praying for you for complete healing and comfort from the Lord.

God bless.

Mayette

 

[Newone]

Capcurious,

Interesting observations on your part! Because honestly I have thought of those things too, but just didn't want to focus on them; therefore not learning from my mistakes.

My close friends and family who know the details of what happened say the same things you did. They remind me of how he did many heartbreaking things to me for years, but that I did not bail on him. It is comforting to hear the same perspective from a neutral party.

Thanks