Recently saw my old boyfriend

[memoriesbymichelle]

Hi Everyone,

This is my first post here. It seems like most of you give good Godly advice. My situation is unique (at least to me) and I could use some words of wisdom on this issue.
My husband of 25 years passed away from Cancer in January of 2005. I have 2 boys that are 13 and 9. I have not been interested in dating or finding someone since he died. I have my boys to raise and that's about all the time I have. My boys, thankfully, are straight A students. They are doing well, considering they don't have their dad anymore. We talk about him all the time and we all know we will see him again.
Last weekend I went to see my old roommate that I haven't seen in about 18 years. She was having a 50th birthday party. Her older brother used to be the "love of my life" before we were roommates. I used to think him and I would get married, but he broke up with me and married someone else. He is now single and has an eleven year old daughter that he is raising. I was nervous about seeing him again. I, of course, wanted to look hot, hoping that at least he would kinda wish we had stayed together. I wasn't going there to try to re-unite with him. I knew he probably wasn't a Christian (which he isn't), and that is a big priority for me if I do get into another relationship ever anyway. Well he joked and flirted with me all weekend and we had the best time. I haven't had that much fun in a really long time. We were jet skiing at the river and I had never been on a jet ski before, so now my boys and Iwant one really bad! Anyway after the weekend ended, there was no exchanging phone numbers or email addresses, or plans to see each other in the future.
Even though I know he is not right for me, because he is not a Christian, I can't stop thinking about him and this weekend.It's been 30 years since I have seen him, so really I don't even really know him anymore except the couple of days we spent together with everyone. I have been fighting back tears all week and when I finally am alone in my room I just cry. I am also a very analytical person and don't believe things happen by coincidence, so I am constantly thinking, why is this happening, what does this mean, maybe this is happening because of....And this is how I feel. God knows me better than anyone. Why would he bring someone that I was so deeply in love with back into my life only for 2 days. It made me realize one thing....that I thought I was OK with not having someone in my life, and for the most part I am, but I AM kinda lonely, and who doesn't want to be loved? So I ask myself, Why did God allow that? Was it a test for me? Was it to motivate me to take better care of myself (I had been letting myself go lately saying I didn't care)? To get over him AGAIN? To be a witness to him? You see, I have only been in love twice in my lifetime. Once was him, and the other was my wonderful husband of 25 years. Now I feel so hopeless (even though I know in my heart I am not). I feel like I lost him twice (even though I didn't even have him this time). I just can't figure out WHY God would do this to me? We live in different states, and even if he WAS a christian, I don't see how we could have a relationship. Truth is, I don't have the energy for a relationship right now anyway, but I guess I just hoped that he would have saw me, and went "wow what was I thinking when I broke up with you" And like I said I don't even know him now. But that man I knew, 30 years ago, I was deeply madly in love with. I still have those feelings for THAT man (30 years ago). So any great words of wisdom as to WHY God might want to do this to me? Or how to get past this?

 

[JeanR]

Dear Turbo2

It looks to me like the thing you are struggling isn't that you met an old boyfriend. You have very wisely waited to date while you mourned and concentrated on raising your boys. Now, you have met someone who is stirring up feelings in you that you may now be ready to tackle.

You mentioned how lonely you are (and we can all identify with that!) and that you want to be loved. I think God used this event to allow you to begin feeling those emotions. The wisest thing to do right now is go before the Lord and acknowledge the loneliness and the desire to begin a relationship. Leave it to the Lord to guide you through this process.

This man may or may not be the one you are to be with, but God has made you aware that you are ready to begin a relationship. And, who knows if God has not brought him to you to for a reason. If you two do get in touch, you will want to talk to him about your relationship with God and urge him to share with you his feelings.

I wish you the best and please let us know how you are doing. It has only been 8 months for me and I never knew just how lonely lonely can be. I know I'm not ready to start any new relationships, but I hope to one day. You can give us some advice! lol

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Thanks for your input. When my husband first passed away, I thought I would never be in a relationship again, and I really didn't care if I was or not. Jesus was all I needed and I had my children to raise first anyway. Now that 2 1/2 years have passed and I see all my friends and family that have someone in their lives I have come to realize (after this weekend seeing my old boyfriend), that it would be nice to have someone that loved me. I think the problem is more about me than either of the two men I have loved in my lifetime. I feel that when I love someone I give them my all, and I don't feel like either man did that for me. My husband of 25 years was good to me, but he also had conditions on his love for me. It wasn't until the end of his life that he realized how much he loved me, because of me sticking by him with his illness. And the irony is that I was just grateful that he loved me at all! Anyway, I am of the belief that if God wants to put someone in my life, he will. I don't have to search the world to find him. God will bring him to me, if I am to have someone. Anyway there are alot of other issues, like raising my boys first, and not wanting to have sex outside of marriage, that will make it difficult at best to find someone. It's just the way I believe now and I can't help it. I also do not feel the need to settle for someone just to have someone. So I put it back in God's hands. I still don't know the purpose of these people being brought back into my life again, but at the very least it has caused me to pray for their souls and understand myself a little better. Anyway, thanks again for answering my post. I thought I would get more reply's but.......

 

[JeanR]

Things have been very quiet since the first of the year. It seems like people moved on with the start of the new year. So, I am not surprised that many did not answer. MissinYou and I seem to be the only ones left monitoring the site. I have to say, I miss the others who were here, they helped me so much. I wish them well.

I have been going for grief counseling and it has been so helpful to me. Terry and I loved each other, but there were issues in our marriage. From what I see around me, I don't think we were unique. One thing the counselor told me is even though we loved each other, it was not a perfect love. We are all fallen. Terry was very possessive and couldn't understand why I needed friends. We went round and round on that issue. Terry is now in heaven and is perfect and he loves me with a perfect love now. I know when my time comes, he will be waiting for me at heaven's gate and he will be there to guide me through. I look forward to that day.

I am very lonely. I do wish, at times, for someone. But, I know it is too soon. The other day I was thinking about something I did this past spring and I thought "Terry really enjoyed that". I had to stop myself because Terry was already gone. He wasn't there to enjoy the afternoon. So, I know in my mind, he is still with me everyday. I know I'm not ready yet.

 

[ElElena]

I believe I know a lot of how you feel but I don't know that I can personally give you great words of wisdom.

I was married for 26 years. My husband is deceased now, too. ABSENT IN THE BODY - PRESENT WITH THE LORD.

I have had a similar experience where I feel typing details won't be necessary. I will tell you a few things that came to my mind after reading your message.

You are right. The Word of God declares a widow is free to remarry but he must be IN THE LORD. That cannot be escaped.

We have free will. You also wanted to meet with this man again. The opportunity arose and you wanted to look hot and wanted to see him again. You are human and it is natural. Even though there are no accidents with God it could be good for you to realize your own personal desires were involved with the meeting you had.

You asked a lot of questions that I have asked myself. All the things like wondering if God wants you to be a witness to someone or not. I expect God wants us to be good witnesses for HIM at all times and in front of everyone we are around whether it's the cashier in the local grocery store, the librarian, or the couple living down the street.

God allowed you to meet the man you married. He is fully capable of having you meet another Christian man who is suitable for you. I feel God answers our prayers HIS way because that is what we really want.

You can pray for the man's salvation. You can ask invite him to church. You can talk about old hurts that may need healed. There may be a real blessing of healing in this old rekindled relationship.

Take one day at a time and trust the Lord.

I hope something in this message is helpful.

 

[ElElena]

If this helps maybe I can share what a widow woman told me.

I went through a breakup after a so-called Christian man asked me to marry him. I was distraught when the doors on our relationship were closed. I told another woman at church how much it hurt. I didn't understand how I could feel so much grief over a man I hardly knew since losing my husband was more serious than losing a man that I didn't know all that well.

The other widow woman told me she had dated after her husband died and everytime she went through a break up it was like losing her husband all over again.

I prayed about my emotions and realized after prayer that my emotions were still scarred from the loss of my husband. My emotions were also still high with expectancy of wanting to have what I once had with my husband. A minister of the gospel told me widows are very vulnerable and I now understand he was so right.

It is possible that you are vulnerable, too. It is possible that every emotion you ever felt for someone you loved even the man from 30 yrs. ago is strongly felt now because it's the closest you can come to reliving the emotions you had with your husband.

You are human. You are vulnerable because of the great loss you have right now.

Be careful with your emotions. Be strong in the Lord.

Keep drawing your strength from God who is your ever present help in times of trouble.

I hope your journey waiting to be matched up with the person most suitable for you isn't a long journey.

I will tell you like I told my family and friends. Just recall that it is better to be lonely at times than to be mated to the wrong person.

There are still those out there that want to take advantage of widows in every way they can. Be careful.

Let God be your refuge and your strength.

Cling to the cross of Jesus.

Oh..... know that I am sincerely hoping these thoughts are helpful.

It's not easy being a widow.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Thank you ElElena for your words of wisdom. They ARE very helpful. My emotions are OK for the moment. I have been learning alot thru dealing with this. I learned from the Lord that everything I feel, He also felt. My husband died, His son died. I am sad that people don't respond to me in the way I would like, and He also is sad that his people don't respond to him in the way he would like. So that's my learning experience. Everything we go thru, God can relate to also. I also learned a little about myself and the men I chose. I always seem to be attracted to the hero type, but I am a very independent women and I act like I don't want to be rescued. And since our emotions change like the wind, I know we can't count on them. Memories too, we only remember certain things, so that too is undependable. I also DID re-experience my loss of my husband, AND my boyfriend even though that is totally ridiculous to me. At the very least it has caused me to care about that family even if I never see him again. I will continue to pray for salvation for his entire family because that is what is on my heart and I know that would be God's will, for them to all be saved. Bottom line, is yes.....being a widow sucks and I am very cautious of people taking advantage of me because of it. God Bless you for your encouragement!
P.S. I used to be Turbo2, but now I am memoriesbymichelle same person different name

Memoriesbymichelle

 

[ElElena]

Thanks for letting me know the words are very helpful. I needed to know that.

I have been prayerful as I type things that are important . I really believe the questions you have are important.

You are getting similar thoughts that I have had before.

You are the third person that lost a loved one that found some people don't want to talk about your pain and sorrow over the death of a loved one and saw the correlation with How our Lord feels about His Son's death.

My cousin got that message after her nephew died - I had previously got the same message after a son of mine died - and now you get the same message. It's prob. a message God has used many times over the years.


The earth has to shake to get some of us to a point where we will really listen, I think?

Send messages anytime . I will answer as long as my internet is running properly.