Rebound relationships

dayhiker · Oct 18, 2013

I was wondering if any of you have had a rebound relationship? What are your thoughts on these?

Divorce Care teaches we are to avoid them at all costs. Make sure to get personally healed before starting any relationship.

I had a rebound relationship during my divorce. It was amazing how helpful it was to me. I knew it wasn't a permanent thing. Indeed, most rebound relationships don't last. Which then makes sense that if its going to cause more pain then one shouldn't get into one. Yet it seems to me that a lot of people have them and while they probably don't want it to end most that I've talked to found them very helpful to have someone who loved then during that period of time.

Thoughts?

memoriesbymichelle · Oct 18, 2013

I personally haven't had a rebound relationship (hey wait a minute maybe THAT'S my problem LOL)
But I now know of at least 2 couples that are/were in rebound relationships.

First one, kind of weird, but my step daughter left her husband for another man, who was married. After that happened, his scorned wife and my SIL got together. First it was just because of the common bond, although unwanted that brought them together. They actually stayed together for about 5 years or so and have just recently broke it off for good, I hope.
Julie, the other man's wife is a wonderful woman and she's beautiful, has a nice mini mansion and a great job as a dental hygenist. My SIL on the other hand is an entitlement kid (in his 40's). His parents were well off and used to give them 20,000 bucks every Christmas. Well when he left his wife (yeah I know) for my step daughter they cut him off. The whole time he was with Julie, he hardly worked and their relationship was volitile because of it. She tried to help him, but you can't be helped if you don't think anything is wrong with you. Honestly I never understood why she stayed with him in the first place. She must have really low self esteem from her husband cheating on her but IDK. And on top of that, that same guy got her when SHE was married! Anyway, she met a different guy on POF and I think he is a much better choice than my SIL.

Second one is a dear friend that used to hang around as a kid at my step dad's house. I was in my late teens/twenties and he was just a kid, but what I didn't know about him back then, was that his step dad was an alcoholic and abusive to him so that's why he hung out with my step dad so much. Anyway, he is a christian and his wife of 25 years just left him to be with some disabled dude that could afford to buy her things and whatever. My friend was SO mad and hurt and posting all kinds of personal stuff on FB about how she was an adulterer and went against God and all this. Well NOW, he has met someone and all he is posting is about how WONDERFUL his new GF is and it's really quite disturbing because IMO, he is kind of flaunting it, and since he hasn't really healed from the blow his wife gave to him, I'm not sure it will last, but he has been working on losing weight, and he loves God, and has leaned on his faith. His new GF is also a christian so we shall see, but the fact that his posts on FB are so sugary over the top, I wonder, plus I think he is now doing what he accused her of doing, so why is it OK NOW when it wasn't OK before he met someone. I mean I don't think their divorce is final so I don't get it. But yeah, I think most of the time, these relationships will not work, maybe once in a while they do, but some people need them and I think God knows that.

dayhiker · Oct 18, 2013

Michelle ... your stories speak to how hard transitions like this are in our life.

memoriesbymichelle · Oct 18, 2013

agreed. I DO think that too many people jump right into a rebound relationship for many reasons.

1) they don't want to be alone

2) they need some sort of validation that they are worth having, especially if their spouse left them

3) to get back at their ex and "show them"

Not all people use all these or any of these reasons but alot do. My suggestion is always to be alone. Learn about yourself and learn to like being with just you, that way when you do get into a relationship you are more prepared and ready. Most people (except myself) don't do this. And then the people like myself sometimes wait too long maybe and then that opens up a whole other set of issues.

TheyCallMeDavid · Oct 19, 2013

dayhiker said:
I was wondering if any of you have had a rebound relationship? What are your thoughts on these?

Divorce Care teaches we are to avoid them at all costs. Make sure to get personally healed before starting any relationship.

I had a rebound relationship during my divorce. It was amazing how helpful it was to me. I knew it wasn't a permanent thing. Indeed, most rebound relationships don't last. Which then makes sense that if its going to cause more pain then one shouldn't get into one. Yet it seems to me that a lot of people have them and while they probably don't want it to end most that I've talked to found them very helpful to have someone who loved then during that period of time.

Thoughts?

When i divorced, i purposely took one year off of dating to regroup, grow stronger in the Lord, attend Divorce Recovery Classes, and limited my social interaction with the opposite sex to groups only. Im glad i did it this way because looking back, i was quite vulnerable emotionally and sexually, with this new big void in my life of a significant other . After a year, I gradually got into very casual dates with mostly coffee get togethers at the local coffee shop. I did alot of introspection during this time period .

The trouble of jumping into a new relationship right after a marriage ends, is, you may get compassion, empathy, a listening ear, validation, etc..from the opposite sex but the deep rooted issues remain untouched and unaddressed including the things which YOU did wrong in the marriage that contributed to its demise . Further, there are actually many men (in particular) who are in search for women coming out of marriages knowing that they are vulnerable and needy for emotional support, affection, validation....so they can capitalize on sexual conquests. Ive met a few men online who are unashamed at admitting exactly this. So, very typically...the woman will just be used for sex until the novelty wears off for the male Perannah and he decides to move on .

What every person needs after a marriage ends, is, a good support group as in Divorce Care / a good support group of same sex individuals / much time off for personal reflection and sorting out emotions / rebuilding ones life as a new Single / and staying close to the Lord more than ever.

I can see the benefit of a strictly platonic opposite sex friendship where both people take extra special precautions on keeping it that way . In fact, i have been in peoples lives under such circumstances but with great awareness and discipline to keep it platonic and helpful.

iambren · Oct 19, 2013

The reason rebound relationships can be bad is what it does to the OTHER person. It is not loving to enter in with a relationship when you are so broken,confused,hurting still from your ex.

I'll confess that out of the divorce-chute I had a mini relationship with a woman I met at a High School reunion. I'll even confess I had sex with her over the 6 or so times we saw each other. But I had a talk with her that my yoke with God and my unhealed heart could NOT let me maintain where we were going. My fault,my sin,my bad. So I see the treachery of jumping in too fast.

Interesting followup: a month or so after we parted I got bronchial-pneumonia. She would call me weekly and practically beg me to visit and make love to her. I refused,refused,refused. Finally I got better...you know...devil on one shoulder/angel on the other. I succumbed and called. Her response "Oh Paul, you wouldn't believe it, I am SO sick!". I was thank you Lord,you saved me from myself!

TheyCallMeDavid · Oct 19, 2013

iambren said:
The reason rebound relationships can be bad is what it does to the OTHER person. It is not loving to enter in with a relationship when you are so broken,confused,hurting still from your ex.

I'll confess that out of the divorce-chute I had a mini relationship with a woman I met at a High School reunion. I'll even confess I had sex with her over the 6 or so times we saw each other. But I had a talk with her that my yoke with God and my unhealed heart could NOT let me maintain where we were going. My fault,my sin,my bad. So I see the treachery of jumping in too fast.

Interesting followup: a month or so after we parted I got bronchial-pneumonia. She would call me weekly and practically beg me to visit and make love to her. I refused,refused,refused. Finally I got better...you know...devil on one shoulder/angel on the other. I succumbed and called. Her response "Oh Paul, you wouldn't believe it, I am SO sick!". I was thank you Lord,you saved me from myself!

Its very easy to make human beings our Idol instead of God . Especially when we are emotionally devastated as in Divorce. There is an acronym called H.A.L.T. --- these are the times when we are most vulnerable to satans attacks or for our flesh to get in the way :

H Hungry for food and water to sustain us .
A Angry over something or someone.
L Lonliness...feeling very needy for support, affection, validation.
T Tiredness ...run down, and in need of recouperation.

dayhiker · Oct 19, 2013

Yes, there are dangers with rebound relationships just as there are with all relationships. Paul even said we would have trouble in the flesh if we married. What the Spirit of God has taught be is to love people when they are hurting. To extend grace as its grace that changes us.

I too have known men who left a trail of pain who took advantage of hurting women. I find that so sad when people are kicked while they are down. How hard are their hearts when they know what they are doing and continue to do it time after time. Thank God he changes our heart so that we can love people the way Jesus loved people.

dayhiker · Oct 20, 2013

So B emailed me the other day and commented that our relationship might end if she found a local BF. We are 1 hr flight away from each other. While we aren't in what one would think of as a traditional rebound relationship. But it is in the sense that its the 1st relationship since her husband died 16 yrs ago. This is my relay to her.
I just pray if/when this expression of love ends, as in we stop seeing each other, that we can look each other in the eye, probably a tear filled eye and know that we have added a whole lot of happiness and good experiences that we will treasure the rest of our life. I'm sure I'll feel love for you for every just as you feel love for K(her husband) for ever. I'll also be excited for you that you have found someone to love you for the rest of your life. I know I'm glad D(my EX) has found a nice guy to love and be loved. Tho I do hope the sex isn't as good between then as it was with us. lol .... I'm so glad that you see that I love you and that I really do want to add love and happiness to your life. There is the idea of a rebound relationship. I see that as a really meaningful and loving thing one person does for another. What a great gift to give another person to help them transition from one place in their life to the next. I had a lady named Sarah that helped me the year of my divorce. Your in a transition and if our relationship ends up being a rebound type relationship I'll be very honored that you picked me to have the privilege of loving you till your ready for the rest of your life.

memoriesbymichelle · Oct 21, 2013

I knew I would be vulnerable after my husband died so I put up my wall so to speak. Now 8 years later I am having trouble with taking down the wall because I don't want to be vulnerable even now.
I am not like some women who "NEED" a man in their lives. But I find that the women I know that ARE like that, seem to have no problem getting a man and the ones I know have actually found good men, not ones that are taking advantage of them. The women I know are needy and don't really have much to offer materialistically, but emotionally they do. I also know younger women that can't seem to find the right guy and they are beautiful and smart and on their own, but just haven't found "the one".

Today would have been my 21st wedding anniversary. I cried yesterday. I am not sure if I didn't grieve enough when he died, or what, but I am SO sad about it this year. Maybe it's because I realize it's been 8 years and I am SO much worse off than when he was here, and IF he was here, he might not even want to be with me still.

dayhiker · Oct 21, 2013

A woman who will get her emotions flow tugs on a man's heart I think. I didn't understand that at all till just recently. 1st I didn't see emotions as being good or needed. Then I accepted that God created emotions and they were very good. I started seeing statements about how without emotions we would be even more messed up than we are. We see this with some of the people who have been in accidents that damage those part of our mind.
But men have been taught and maybe its just kinda natural for me to put their emotions aside. So we are "stoic", "cold", etc. I was that for sure. It didn't attract people to me, in fact it pushed people away I think looking back. So, Michelle, I think men are attracted to opposites and so they are attracted to a woman who is letting her emotions be expressed. There is something that feels alive when there is emotion. Men often need this.

So when I found out about my tenant this weekend. I could have easily stuffed any emotion and just been a nice guy. But I intentionally felt all the emotion that came to me. This is one of the areas I feel God is asking me to grow. I felt a lot more human. I felt when I talked to his wife and expressed my sadness at what happened to them that it landed, it was words with meaning not just words. I asked A if I could give her a hug and I hope she felt that I cared for her even tho we had only meet a few times.

So the woman who "NEEDS" a man draws a man because her emotions are being expressed, I think. I think you cried because love is eternal and its human to feel the pain. I've come to the place were I view it as very healthy to feel those feelings. If they overwhelmed us and we couldn't function for a week or month .. then I don't think that would be so good. But to feel for however long we want to and then say to ourselves its time to go do whatever. That sounds very good to me.

Anyways, all this is part of 10 yrs of change that the Lord has been working in my heart. Right now it feels really good to feel.

memoriesbymichelle · Oct 21, 2013

Well that kind of sucks for me then, because even though I love really passionately when I do, I try to also be strong because I need to be. I have no one to fall back on except God. I think sometimes I may have stuffed my feelings for so long now that I am scared to death to be vulnerable to someone again. But God knows me better than I know myself, so I just keep telling myself and Him that.

TheyCallMeDavid · Oct 21, 2013

memoriesbymichelle said:
I knew I would be vulnerable after my husband died so I put up my wall so to speak. Now 8 years later I am having trouble with taking down the wall because I don't want to be vulnerable even now.
I am not like some women who "NEED" a man in their lives. But I find that the women I know that ARE like that, seem to have no problem getting a man and the ones I know have actually found good men, not ones that are taking advantage of them. The women I know are needy and don't really have much to offer materialistically, but emotionally they do. I also know younger women that can't seem to find the right guy and they are beautiful and smart and on their own, but just haven't found "the one".

Today would have been my 21st wedding anniversary. I cried yesterday. I am not sure if I didn't grieve enough when he died, or what, but I am SO sad about it this year. Maybe it's because I realize it's been 8 years and I am SO much worse off than when he was here, and IF he was here, he might not even want to be with me still.

I cant imagine loosing a Spouse to death Michelle. I dont think there is any magical number of years where one is 'finally' over it . Ive encouraged my elderly Mom to have a Man that she can be friends with and to have a coffee or lunch with...but she is soooo loyal to my Dad whos been gone 7 years that she wouldnt even dream of it. Her entire heart is still with my Dad and I cant see that ever changing. And i do believe she has the yearning for companionship...but loyalty to my Dad trumps her even considering it.

Probably what you need in your life right now is a very platonic male Friend(s) where you meet for coffee and get caught up on the latest news. Maybe that, plus attending a Christian Single Adult Group of some kind for activities and dinners out occasionally. I think eventually, the walls will come down to a particular Guy who desires your friendship and is gentle about it.

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