reason for divorce?

[puregrl]

I have been married for about a year and have been a victim of abuse for almost all of it. My husband has not hit me in a few months, but i have taken necessary precautions. We are separated, still argue a lot, however he disagrees and says we are still married and being so still must be together and work it all out. He has also told me that God says we cannot get a divorce because he never cheated on me, which is the only reason a person can get a divorce. What do you think? Does God really want me to stay in this marriage?

 

[bliz]

For the time being, there is no reeason for you to stay in that house. Getting out and somewhere safe will enable you to think clearly and get some counseling. That cannot happenn where this is any chance of abuse. Can you get out?

 

[mjmcmillan]

Been there, done that, but the other way around. My wife abused me.

It seems there's a pattern. Abusers love to use scripture to trap their victims (we may as well call it that) in a way that I'm reasonably sure Jesus wouldn't approve of. It's evil in the extreme, in my opinion, making it appear as if even God Himself is setting up the victim for further beatings.

Get some space, time to think. Going back to a person who will hit you again is a non-starter, and don't believe for a minute that God sanctions abuse.

 

[overit]

Been there, done that, but the other way around. My wife abused me.

It seems there's a pattern. Abusers love to use scripture to trap their victims (we may as well call it that) in a way that I'm reasonably sure Jesus wouldn't approve of. It's evil in the extreme, in my opinion, making it appear as if even God Himself is setting up the victim for further beatings.

Get some space, time to think. Going back to a person who will hit you again is a non-starter, and don't believe for a minute that God sanctions abuse.

Agreed, get counsel-walk away-don't look back, dont' waste years of your life or introduce kids in the mix....move on and forward-God will be with you.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Abuse is not a valid reason for divorce. Abuse is a valid reason to call the police which you should do if it happens. Divorcing this man and leaving him without a police record so he can go on to abuse another woman is a very hateful thing to do. Honor your marriage and prosecute this man under the full extent of the law if he ever touches you harmfully again.

 

[Gwenyfur]

ABuse is most certainly a valid reason for divorce!

I've worked with battered women for more than 10 years now...I cannot tell you how many keep going back and trying to make it work, believing that God wants them to be beaten and abused because they're smaller, weaker, unable to defend themselves...but I can tell you how many I've gone to funerals because their abusive husbands finally killed them.

I can name several men who kept taking the abuse until their wives finally did permanent harm and even killed some of them as well.

I have 2 words (which are probably unwelcome but I'm saying them anyway!)
GET OUT!
GET OUT NOW!
Get counseling to learn the skills to you need to avoid an abuser in the future.
Take back your life...get your divorce, and NEVER look back!

Don't be one of the statistics...don't make someone like me attend your funeral...soemone who tried to help you get free, and live a healthy life free of abuse ... it's heart wrenching ... to both your family...and those who've tried to help.

 

[Autumnleaf]

ABuse is most certainly a valid reason for divorce!

I've worked with battered women for more than 10 years now...I cannot tell you how many keep going back and trying to make it work, believing that God wants them to be beaten and abused because they're smaller, weaker, unable to defend themselves...but I can tell you how many I've gone to funerals because their abusive husbands finally killed them.

I can name several men who kept taking the abuse until their wives finally did permanent harm and even killed some of them as well.

I have 2 words (which are probably unwelcome but I'm saying them anyway!)
GET OUT!
GET OUT NOW!
Get counseling to learn the skills to you need to avoid an abuser in the future.
Take back your life...get your divorce, and NEVER look back!

Don't be one of the statistics...don't make someone like me attend your funeral...soemone who tried to help you get free, and live a healthy life free of abuse ... it's heart wrenching ... to both your family...and those who've tried to help.

Isn't leaving just forcing the problem onto someone else? Like climbing out of an uncovered manhole you've fallen into and merely walking away from it happy that you didn't get seriously hurt.

 

[Gwenyfur]

Isn't leaving just forcing the problem onto someone else? Like climbing out of an uncovered manhole you've fallen into and merely walking away from it happy that you didn't get seriously hurt.

Getting out doesn't preclude a woman from filing charges. Most states don't have a statute of limitation on domestic violence. She can file charges anytime.

But sending a woman into a situation that could cost her life is irresponsible and cruel.

Would you send an unarmed Marine into a fire fight? Why then would you send an untrained woman into an abuse situation?

 

[ShainaBrina]

The question was whether abuse is a biblical reason for divorce and the answer is yes.

Exodus 21:10 If he takes another wife, he shall not diminish her food, her clothing, and her marriage rights. 11 And if he does not do these three for her, then she shall go out free, without paying money. - these verses provide a way for women to obtain divorces if their husbands fail to provide for them... marital duty includes love and affection.

There are over 100 verses on violence in the bible... God hates abuse. Do not accept any. There are wonderful men out there that will treat you right.

 

[mjmcmillan]

I've seen way too many newspaper stories involving spouses who tried to stick it out in an abusive situation, then calling the police, getting restraining orders and so on--- and ending up dead. If your spouse is hitting you, GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN. That can't be emphasized enough. After you're safe, there's time enough to file police reports and so on and so on. My wife, in one of her fits of anger, stated that she didn't care if she killed me and went to prison for it. How long do you think I should have stayed? Until she carried that out?

Uncontrolled rage is at least as good a reason for departing the premises as any that I can think of, almost as good as finding your spouse in bed with another person.

Note: I did stick it out for a time---- twice. Second marriage after a twenty-year break from the first go-around. Anybody think I should try for thirds? I think not. Being called bad names and hit in the head is no joke. I could tell some other stuff but if I did that you'd swear I was making it up. I wouldn't believe it myself if I hadn't been there at the time.

 

[Romanseight2005]

Isn't leaving just forcing the problem onto someone else? Like climbing out of an uncovered manhole you've fallen into and merely walking away from it happy that you didn't get seriously hurt.

You could say the same thing about the spouse who gets beaten to death by their spouse. Once they die, their spouse is free to go abuse someone else. Often, the abuser covers it up well so there is no proof that he/she was the murderer.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Getting out doesn't preclude a woman from filing charges. Most states don't have a statute of limitation on domestic violence. She can file charges anytime.

But sending a woman into a situation that could cost her life is irresponsible and cruel.

Would you send an unarmed Marine into a fire fight? Why then would you send an untrained woman into an abuse situation?

Unarmed Marines do all kinds of stupid things. That doesn't mean they don't face the music for them. She chose this man. She needs to see he gets the legal help he needs to prevent him from having a clean start to do this to other women. I realize telling people to run away from their problems is popular when it comes to domestic issues but its no Biblical advice at all. Its more short sighted groupthink than anything else.

 

[Autumnleaf]

You could say the same thing about the spouse who gets beaten to death by their spouse. Once they die, their spouse is free to go abuse someone else. Often, the abuser covers it up well so there is no proof that he/she was the murderer.

This is why calling the police is necessary at the onset of such issues.

 

[Autumnleaf]

I've seen way too many newspaper stories involving spouses who tried to stick it out in an abusive situation, then calling the police, getting restraining orders and so on--- and ending up dead. If your spouse is hitting you, GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN. That can't be emphasized enough. After you're safe, there's time enough to file police reports and so on and so on. My wife, in one of her fits of anger, stated that she didn't care if she killed me and went to prison for it. How long do you think I should have stayed? Until she carried that out?

Uncontrolled rage is at least as good a reason for departing the premises as any that I can think of, almost as good as finding your spouse in bed with another person.

Note: I did stick it out for a time---- twice. Second marriage after a twenty-year break from the first go-around. Anybody think I should try for thirds? I think not. Being called bad names and hit in the head is no joke. I could tell some other stuff but if I did that you'd swear I was making it up. I wouldn't believe it myself if I hadn't been there at the time.

If she leaves him what stops him from tracking her down and killing her anyways? If he is of that mind I don't think she can run far enough away from him.

 

[Gwenyfur]

Unarmed Marines do all kinds of stupid things. That doesn't mean they don't face the music for them. She chose this man. She needs to see he gets the legal help he needs to prevent him from having a clean start to do this to other women. I realize telling people to run away from their problems is popular when it comes to domestic issues but its no Biblical advice at all. Its more short sighted groupthink than anything else.

I really think you may have an overblown confidence in our legal system when it comes to domestic violence.

The system as it is now only smacks these abusers on the wrist. A year of off paper probation. No mandatory anger management or violence counseling...meanwhile they are free to return to the residence where the victim resides.

On many ocassions the FPO (Full protection order) that may be issued by teh courts expires in only 6 months, and again the perpetrator of the violence is supposedly held at bay by what amounts to a piece of paper...

no...get out first...make sure of your safety...either with friends, family, or the violence shelter system will help relocate you...then take care of the legal side of things..

Too many women die from relying on teh legal system...which does nothing to keep them safe.

The system has failed.

 

[mjmcmillan]

Autumnleaf, you sound so much like my ex that it's not even funny. Yeah, I'm a coward for running away from my problems. Since that includes threats of death, and since hitting a woman back isn't high on the list of things to do, it looked like getting out the option at the time. I suppose I could add that she did cheat on me too, and that might make some difference biblically, but--- I cannot imagine Jesus sitting still for telling people they HAVE TO stick it out in a situation where their spouse is beating them senseless. The only people I ever hear saying something like that are (a) clueless people who have never suffered something like this themselves or known anyone who has or (b) abusers who want to keep their victims trapped, convincing them that even God has turned His back on them. I've had direct dealings with (b), I'm sure hoping for your sake that you're (a). The idea of using the Bible as yet another weapon against an abused person just goes beyond offensive, in my never-to-be-humble opinion.

Sorry, I've overloaded and had to vent.

 

[McScribe]

The question was whether abuse is a biblical reason for divorce and the answer is yes.

Exodus 21:10 If he takes another wife, he shall not diminish her food, her clothing, and her marriage rights. 11 And if he does not do these three for her, then she shall go out free, without paying money. - these verses provide a way for women to obtain divorces if their husbands fail to provide for them... marital duty includes love and affection.

There are over 100 verses on violence in the bible... God hates abuse. Do not accept any. There are wonderful men out there that will treat you right.

Absolutely--the New Testament's presentation of reasons for divorce being used to lend itself to encouraging suffering of abuse is so hard hearted and wicked it isn't even funny. We Christians really need to stop doing this and start thinking in the context of the whole Bible.

 

[Romanseight2005]

Something else to consider is that it is a very rare occurrence where the abuser is not also unfaithful. If you think about it, it makes sense, if a person thinks so little of their mate to treat them so cruelly, why would they be faithful? It's not true as much the other way around, meaning that there are unfaithful people who can be very charming and sweet to their spouse, that' a different topic, but when one is abusive, unfaithfulness will very likely be there as well.

 

[mjmcmillan]

I spent some time today having one of those "What would Jesus do?" moments.

Here's the scene: Jesus is walking with His disciples somewhere in Galilee when a woman runs up to Him asking for help. She's got black and blue marks on her and her arm is at an unnatural angle because it's been broken. While she is yet speaking, her husband comes up, screaming obscenities at her and offering that there's more and worse to come to her.

What would Jesus do?

(A) Tell her she has to go back to her abusive spouse, not doing a thing to help her in any way.

(B) Heal her, and drive the demons out of her husband, thereby restoring the marriage to some semblance of sanity.

(C) Heal her, and find a way to protect her.

Personally, I'd place a bet on option (B). That option isn't so popular today because the involvement of demonic activity isn't taken seriously in our modern age, but that doesn't stop demons from making a mess of lives all the same.

You know well enough, if all you've ever read is two chapters of John in the entire New Testament, that there's absolutely no way Jesus would ever choose option (A).

This is one of those deals where you have to get help. The victim can't possibly do it by him/herself, when you're in a setup like this you're too busy hoping you'll survive. I've had a bit of experience with asking the police to help, and I can tell you straight not to expect much if you're a man being beat up by your wife. I've read enough news to know sometimes the woman doesn't get much help from law enforcement either when her hubby is beating on her. So, the abused person comes to the Church for help and the Church chooses---- drum roll---- Option (A). We, as a Church, the expression of Christ on this Earth, ought to be ashamed of ourselves.

If we are truly followers of Christ, let us do what Jesus would do.

 

[janman345]

Abuse is not a valid reason for divorce. Abuse is a valid reason to call the police which you should do if it happens. Divorcing this man and leaving him without a police record so he can go on to abuse another woman is a very hateful thing to do. Honor your marriage and prosecute this man under the full extent of the law if he ever touches you harmfully again.

Boo hiss, dont listen to this, this is the standard catholic montra. Oh yea full support for calling the cops and separating and all that but then you have to be alone the rest of your life lol.

This sort of advice is a non starter and impractical.