Really upset

[GreyWolf]

Hey guys.

It's 4:30 am and I'm still awake. I can't sleep, I'm too upset. My parents were over today, and they did a lot for me, helped me clean my apartment and bought me some furniture. They were so tired. I feel so guilty for being such a burden on them. I feel like such a burden on my friends and family. I feel that they would be better off if I just 'went away'.

Not only that, but I am completely sick of my disease. I have no family or career, I have no life, I am a professional mental patient. I am so unhappy with being at the mercy of medication and totally upset with the ups and downs.

A few hours ago, lying in bed, I thought of the perfect way to kill myself. I keep thinking about it, and I want to do it. I keep feeling that although my family and friends will be upest they will be better off in the end. I don't know...I'm not saying I'm doing it, just that I can't stop thinking about it. I feel so upset and I can't get any sleep.

Please respond, I really need the support.

 

[sherr33]

Greywolf,
Your asking for someone to respond. i will but I know you may not like this. Try praying to God. It seems to help for me and also reading the Bible. There is a verse in the Bible that I like to quote. It says, God has not given us the spirit of fear but of power and of Love and of a sound mind. Fear and stuff come from the enemy.

That is my advice.

 

[berry2000]

Greywolf,

Weird but i will say the opposite. When i get like this i am totally uncapable of praying or reading the bible. Don't know why but i just can't.

Right now you need support. I am praying that you can search your mind for a friend who can come along side you and sit with you until these urges and feelings pass.

remember this is not your fault. You don't need a reason to feel this way. And you haven't done anything wrong. Spiritually or otherwise. You are meerly suffering from bipolar disorder depressive episode. It makes no sense because your brain chemicals are in charge right now.

PLEASE SEEK HELP. SUICIDAL THOUGHTS ARE DANGEROUS. If the thoughts become too intense and you feel you may hurt yourself please call a therapist or 911.

And keep us posting. I am standing in the gap and praying for you.

 

[sherr33]

i know when I am down like that I do have a hard time praying and reading the bible but I try to do it anyways. I wasnt trying to be mean or anything. I know when I get real bad I want to do things that I wont get into and I think about it when I did do it and I remember the pain. I have felt at times to end it all. Then I try to think about the people that would miss me. My husband who is really my full supporter for my BP really loves me and I know he would miss me. Another thing to do is when you feel this bad is try to take a relaxing bath and curl up with a good book. I Know I have BP but I am trying to find ways to make this positive.
Hang in there. You need to allow people to help you. My Brother in law was at his whits end and felt like there was no hope. He needed medicine and he has no job no money comming in and staying with someone because he has no place to stay. We found him a dbsa support group and he got in contact with the leader and they gave him some ideas on how to get his medicine. he went to the Catholic Charities and they gave him the things to get his medicine and they also gave him 2 bags of groceries. That was God. He goes for his hearing for Disability Nov 7th. SO I am going to be praying that God will intervene on this situation.

 

[Alive again]

Hey guys.

It's 4:30 am and I'm still awake. I can't sleep, I'm too upset. My parents were over today, and they did a lot for me, helped me clean my apartment and bought me some furniture. They were so tired. I feel so guilty for being such a burden on them. I feel like such a burden on my friends and family. I feel that they would be better off if I just 'went away'.

Not only that, but I am completely sick of my disease. I have no family or career, I have no life, I am a professional mental patient. I am so unhappy with being at the mercy of medication and totally upset with the ups and downs.

A few hours ago, lying in bed, I thought of the perfect way to kill myself. I keep thinking about it, and I want to do it. I keep feeling that although my family and friends will be upest they will be better off in the end. I don't know...I'm not saying I'm doing it, just that I can't stop thinking about it. I feel so upset and I can't get any sleep.

Please respond, I really need the support.

Greywolf, I know all of these thoughts and feelings well. I have been suicidal on an doff most of my life (since age 16), thirty years now. Those feelings still come from time to time and you know as I do that it is the illness speaking and we hate the illness for it as well. It just seems to spiral out of control at times. But remember that you are precious to your friends and family and to God. I have been spending my time, helping a family I know care for their 40 year old daughter who is dying. I am looking at the faces of friend and family and seeing the grief. I have worked hospice and can tell you for a certainty from losing my Dad, there is a piece of that grief with you always. You really do not just get better after awhile.

I know you feel like you are useless and a burden. But you truly are worth it all, even with your illness of bipolar. No one of us can make sense out of why this illness, this suffering exists other than the result of the fall. This illness and many others are a fact in this fallen world. I think sometimes I forget that nobody else's life is perfect either. I can only tell you that the only thing that keeps me going is HOPE in what SEEMS to be a hopeless situation. The only place I have ever found that hope is in knowing Jesus, know that these feelings are illness and the truth is that I am so valuable that Jesus chose to come to Earth and die in my place. So when these feelings overwhelm me as they do, I just keep reminding myself about the truth I find in my faith and reach out to call for the help of my friends and family and my doctor and therapist or the suicide hot lien. I know this is stuff you already know. All I can do is share what works for me and that I do understand as I feel this exact way at times as well.


KNow that you are always welcome here or to pm me.
Hugs and prayers.

 

[GreyWolf]

Just wanted to tell you all that I am still here fighting. I still feel awful but I'm alive and thank you for all your support.

 

[berry2000]

We are with you. PLease know you are not alone. And i think there is an emergency thread posted at the top with good ideas.