Really Struggling

[Joy71]

Hi all, I am new to the forums and hoping for a place to find some support and guidance.

I am about to turn 40, my youngest child just left for college so I now have an empty nest, and my divorce will be final the end of October. It is all just too many life changes at once and I am really struggling.

My husband and I will have been separated for 2 years and 2 months when the divorce becomes final. There have been numerous attempts at counseling and talks of reconciliation during those two years however my husband has consistently lied and been unfaithful during our marriage and I am now at a place that I just can't take anymore.

I have been battling depression and anxiety for several years now. I left my job in 2010 after having a sort of breakdown. My marital issues have consumed me since I first discovered evidence of affairs in 2008. I haven't any friends, have been unable to find new employment, am living alone for the first time in my life, and have withdrawn from pretty much everything and everyone.

I know it is a lot of "poor me" and that is why I am here. I have got to make some changes. I have so much hurt, anger, and loneliness and I don't know where to start. I could really use some friendly support and encouragement.

TIA,
Joy

 

[JaneFW]

Hi Joy.

I'm sorry to hear how all of these griefs have piled up on, one on top of the other. I'm praying for you right now.

I wonder whether it's possible for you to start out taking baby steps by perhaps finding a church? A church family could be a source of comfort and friendship, and just what you need to get moving again.

You have every right to feel saddened and hurt by your husband's deception. I just wanted to say that. It doesn't mean that this is all you will ever be - the hurt wife - it just means that that is where you are now. This time will pass.

I don't have much advice for you right now, because I'm about to walk out the door, but I hope that others will come and post here, and give you support.

God bless.

 

[Joy71]

Thank you JaneFW. I do need to find a home church. My husband and I were attending church together before all of this came to light. It is the church where most of my extended family attend. He was very active and is very well liked. I withdrew from attending with him because it mad me nuts that everyone thought he was such a great Christian man and yet I am far too private in real life to have told everyone the truth. So, most of the members there don't understand why I am so withdrawn and depressed and many have expressed to my husband how they feel he deserves better than me. I am sure I come off as very unfriendly to people who do not know what has been going on behind closed doors. I know a lot of them have given support to my "poor husband" because his wife left him. He is very charismatic and outgoing. I am not.

Please pray for me to find the right new home church and to have the courage to get to know people. I really appreciate your response.

Joy

 

[McScribe]

I will pray for that for you too. It is very hard to feel alone and unsure of where to go with your life. Is it at all possible that if you talked to someone who seems kind generally and might be objective at your church that you might find people could be more understanding?

 

[Joy71]

McScribe I am sure there would be people there who would stand with me if they new the truth but at this point how do you even go about sharing this type of mess? It really is a catch 22 because if you tell everyone people think you are the crazy scorned spouse airing all their private business but if you keep it mostly private you end up without the support you need. I should have reached out more in the beginning I believe. It is my tendency to crawl in my own little hole during times of stress. Now, I think it is going to be best to start over at a new church and hopefully find the strength to make new friends. Besides, he still attends our old church some, he goes between there and a divorce support group at one of the larger churches in our town. I certainly can't attend with him there. I am not that strong!!

I wonder why it is so seemingly effortless for some people to be social and make friends and so painfully difficult for other?

Thanks for praying for me.
Joy

 

[McScribe]

It's partly how you see yourself. If you see yourself as uncertain, possibly not interesting, it will be harder. And I didn't know he still attended your old church. I understand better now I think. I would move on too, were it me, and promise myself that I will build alliances with people. Not to have them hate your husband for them to care for you. And I'm afraid you have to bite the bullet when you talk to people.

Have you always been shy?

 

[Joy71]

Yes, I have always been pretty shy but it has gotten worse during this trial.

My father was in the military and we moved all the time. I literally went to 11 schools in 11 years growing up. I just never really learned to make friends. I think after a while I didn't even try because we would leave soon anyway. I got good at making friendly acquaintances I guess to get through school and I didn't have trouble dating but I have never had real long-term friends. I guess it was easy to ignore while raising my kids. I didn't have time for more than light surface type friendships but it is rather hard to ignore now that I am suddenly more alone than I ever thought I could be!

Joy

 

[McScribe]

Well that is hard. I can see why it would be a challenge. Do you ever do any volunteering at all?

 

[Joy71]

I have not in a very, very long time but it is funny that you mention it. I was thinking earlier today about ways to force myself out there and one was that if I committed myself to volunteer hours I could not back out on them. (As I tend to chicken out when invited to social events lately.) Plus I thought if I volunteered somewhere like the soup kitchen maybe it would help me to keep my many blessings in mind rather than focusing on the loss I feel right now. Hmmm maybe God just used you to reinforce that thought for me!

Joy

 

[Joy71]

Okay so new goals for the coming week - pick a church to try out Sunday and GO, and visit at least one organization regarding volunteer hours.

I think I like this place. I am feeling a little better already.
Joy

 

[Bazman1]

Joy my heart goes out to you it really does. I am so sorry to hear about all this. I'll be thinking of you and I will pray for you.

God Bless.

 

[Joy71]

Joy my heart goes out to you it really does. I am so sorry to hear about all this. I'll be thinking of you and I will pray for you.

God Bless.

Thank you very much! And I will pray for you!
Joy

 

[McScribe]

I pray you will find more peace in your heart, that God keeps you safe and that you are blessed always. Don't forget that you are God's beloved child. I meditate on Psalm 139 and Psalm 23 at these times. I pray that you are surrounded by God's angels and help in His hand. The Lord is good, and His mercy endures forever. Remember Joseph and Daniel who were in captivity and wrongly accused, but were vindicated by god's justice. No matter how sad you are don't give in to despair. No weapon formed against you will prosper.
Let God hear your sadness and loneliness. Remember you are His child, wanted and loved. You don't need to bow to anyone, so put on Hod's armor against the attacks of the enemy that breed self doubt in you, that make you want to hesitate. I pray that in reaching out to others you will feel guided in Word and Spirit to seek a good church that feeds you with loving companionship and support, in Jesus' name. Amen.

 

[Joy71]

Hi all, a brief update... I had made big plans for the following week when I last posted. That same night I ended up in the ER and here I am a little better than two weeks later recovering from gallbladder surgery and a cancer scare. It has been a whirlwind to say the least.

I am going to be okay. Still working on some issues related to the gallbladder surgery but nothing that can't be resolved in time.

Thank you Jesus for getting me to the right doctors at the right time and for delivering me safely through the surgery, letting the cancer scare be unfounded, and never leaving my side!

So, it will probably be another week or so before I am fully on my feet again but I am going to stick to the plans that I made before all this happened. I am going to find a new church to try, and I am going to investigate volunteer opportunities in my area.

Joy

 

[BlueJay83]

well, i'm sorry to hear you're struggling so bad.. and thank God you made it through!

I would echo what you have already decided.
You need to surround yourself with loving and supportive Christians.. so a good church and a "LifeGroup" or"Homegroup" type environment would work wonders.


Heres some advice that's helped me a bit too.
Take the time you have now to live for yourself for a little while, get into a hobby you enjoyed when you were younger or something you always wanted to do.
My hobby lets me be alone in silence, outdoors wth a beautiful view.. which i find very therapeutic.

 

[Joy71]

I married young and my entire life has been raising my family for so long that I am not sure what my interests are! I guess I now have plenty of time to figure it out.

I am glad you have found a hobby that brings you contentment candleman. I will try to explore what hobbies I may enjoy as well. Thanks for the advice.

Joy