Really hurting

[VeryTiredGirl]

*Shivers and cowers in a corner* I'm taking a class through the mental health office, and I've been having lots of trouble with my PTSD. The class is triggering lots of stuff. The trouble is, the incident causing all the pain happened when I was working and was bound by confidentiality, so it's not like I can talk about it with just anyone.

I did talk to my pastor today for about an hour. Bless his soul; normally I try to make appointments so that he's set aside time and is the right mindset to talk, but I just couldn't do that-it all came tumbling out when I went in to ask him about a parament change, and somehow we got onto this topic. That helped a bit...but I cried for an hour then, cried for an hour tonight and could easily start crying again right now.

I really need to take this class-I've been asked to be part of a Speaker's Bureau for the Mental Health people, and if I don't complete the class, I can't be part of the bureau. I've only got three days left, so I'm trying to just tough it out-but the pain and the hurt and the fear is still there every step of the way.

Both the person facilitating the class and my pastor have told me to be sure I'm taking care of myself...but right now I don't know what that means, beyond eating properly, getting sleep and not purposely stressing myself.

I see my 1:1 worker tomorrow, and I've been using medication as needed to help me settle. I've prayed, and used the mental image another pastor gave last Friday-the image of God holding me in His arms in a hug. It's only 8:15pm, but I'm soon going to go to bed to let myself rest as much as possible.

Not sure exactly why I'm posting this...please be gentle.

 

[pockleberry]

I don't know much of what you're going though but i just wanna say i'm praying...hope you're able to finish the course if that's what you want!

 

[Tyeise]

Not sure exactly why I'm posting this...please be gentle.

Because even though we can't do much, we can encourage you and let you know we care! Hope these brighten up your day!
http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNxdm41490US

 

[Stanfi]

Sorry to hear about what all your going through, and I can tell by your writing that it is very tough. Taking care of yourself is very important. Sleeping, eating properly. I also recommend getting out in the nice sunshine and taking a walk.

Do you journal? Sometimes that helps to get all your feelings out. You can even write letters to God, to let him know exactly how you are feeling, and what you need.

 

[beetlequeendiva]

praying for you and massive hugs for you!!!!

 

[Pilgrim1951]

 

[VeryTiredGirl]

I don't know much of what you're going though but i just wanna say i'm praying...hope you're able to finish the course if that's what you want!

Thanks. I'm starting to wonder if it's worth it, but I know that there is at least one person who already wants me to do a presentation through the Speaker's Bureau, so I'll push on.

My 1:1 worker gave me some stuff on PTSD and coping with it, and next week we're going to look into some counselling for me. I need it for this, as well as for some trust issues that my previous doctor caused for me.

Thank goodness my pastor wasn't too busy to talk-I always feel guilty when I just 'drop in' on him like that. He knows about the incident that triggered all this, and he's listened to me and counselled me many times in the past five years.

 

[VeryTiredGirl]

Because even though we can't do much, we can encourage you and let you know we care! Hope these brighten up your day!

Thank you. I especially enjoyed the lily of the valley-those are my birthmonth flower.

 

[VeryTiredGirl]

Sorry to hear about what all your going through, and I can tell by your writing that it is very tough. Taking care of yourself is very important. Sleeping, eating properly. I also recommend getting out in the nice sunshine and taking a walk.

Do you journal? Sometimes that helps to get all your feelings out. You can even write letters to God, to let him know exactly how you are feeling, and what you need.

I've been able to get at least short walks in. The mental health office where I take my classes and meet with the 1:1 worker is four blocks from my church, and the secretary lets me park my car in the church lot and just walk over. I also got a fair number of miles in yesterday, tagging along with my friend and my four godkids on their acerage.

Unfortunately, something was at my friend's house that added to the PTSD; I had to be careful not to let it show too much.

The writing may be interesting. I once wrote out the story of the incident that set all this off, and I think I cried for two or three days. I keep trying to push it away, and usually succeed. This class has brought it up to the forefront again and combined with some stuff that's been happening at church, it just grew and grew. I know I've spent more time in prayer these last few days...just to get through this.

 

[Lilli]

Hi there.

I understand what you are going through! I have PTSD too - along with bi-polar. It is difficult and when my dr told me he thought I needed to be back in counseling - I wanted to cry. I hate it because all the triggers get triggered! It's tough, I know. I will keep you in my prayers!

Don't forget how special you are! You are Father God's little girl!

God Bless,
Lilli

 

[VeryTiredGirl]

praying for you and massive hugs for you!!!!

Thank you. Hopefully things will settle down soon.

 

[VeryTiredGirl]

Thanks, Pilgrim. I love your piggy avatar. I collect pigs.

 

[VeryTiredGirl]

Hi there.

I understand what you are going through! I have PTSD too - along with bi-polar. It is difficult and when my dr told me he thought I needed to be back in counseling - I wanted to cry. I hate it because all the triggers get triggered! It's tough, I know. I will keep you in my prayers!

God Bless,
Lilli

I was so shocked when this flared up again. I'd been a little bit blue when the 5th anniversary of the event came around in February, but nothing compared to some years. I'd even started having contact with the triggers of the PTSD without incident or trouble-or so I thought. When I started the class, all the old stuff came up and even more.

I'm afraid of the counselling, but I'm even more afraid of what would happen if things keep getting worse. I've medicated myself with 'as needed' medication twice this week (possibly soon to be three times), and I haven't had to use that kind of stuff in probably two years. I feel like I've failed, sort of.

Don't forget how special you are! You are Father God's little girl!

I sometimes have trouble bringing up that mental image. The president of our seminary told the graduates to remember that God always had His arms around them-always in a hug. I'd never thought of that before. It was a very comforting image.

 

[day2day]

Hi..... I read your post. I dont know what it is, but I was drawn to it. If you need someone to talk to Please feel free to pm me. PS. God knows your heart and You Can Get Throught This!!! day2day

 

[VeryTiredGirl]

Hi..... I read your post. I dont know what it is, but I was drawn to it. If you need someone to talk to Please feel free to pm me. PS. God knows your heart and You Can Get Throught This!!! day2day

Thanks, day2day. I just hope the way through is short. I had been doing well for a while, and then boom. The trick is to not let myself shove everything down and suppress it, so that it comes back even worse later.

 

[pockleberry]

Hey having to take medication is not a failing! Just think of it in the same way as if u had to take medication because u had a bad cold or something....it's not a failing to be ill although i can understand what u feel...i hated having to take medication for my depression and i hate the thought i might have to go back on it! Sorry u must think im really stupid but wat actually is PTSD?

 

[VeryTiredGirl]

Hey having to take medication is not a failing! Just think of it in the same way as if u had to take medication because u had a bad cold or something....it's not a failing to be ill although i can understand what u feel...i hated having to take medication for my depression and i hate the thought i might have to go back on it! Sorry u must think im really stupid but wat actually is PTSD?

I already take two medications for my depression, and I'm okay with that. It's having to use 'as needed' medication for anxiety and upset that feels like a failure. I'm usually able to take care of bad days without having to 'top up' my regular meds.

I don't think you're stupid at all. PTSD is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. "[font=verdana,arial,helvetica]Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is an anxiety disorder that a person may develop after experiencing or witnessing an extreme, overwhelming traumatic event during which they felt intense fear, helplessness, or horror. [/font] [font=verdana,arial,helvetica] The dominant features of posttraumatic stress disorder are emotional numbing (i.e., emotional nonresponsiveness), hyperarousal (e.g., irritability, on constant alert for danger), and reexperiencing of the trauma (e.g., flashbacks, intrusive emotions). [/font]

[font=verdana,arial,helvetica]Posttraumatic stress disorder is also referred to as shell shock or battle fatigue (when describing the disorder in combat veterans) and as postrape syndrome." (more here: http://www.mentalhealthchannel.net/ptsd/)
[/font]

 

[luv4godremains]

Hi, I'm very sorry to hear what you are going through, i do no know what it must be like for you, depression is hard enough to deal with on it's own, but PTSD as well?! i am remembering you in my prayers and hope that things pick up for you soon. I pray that God would heal you and that you would be able to deal with the things that have caused these illnesses.
if you ever need to talk, you can always PM me. God bless.
xXx, *hugs*

 

[VeryTiredGirl]

Hi, I'm very sorry to hear what you are going through, i do no know what it must be like for you, depression is hard enough to deal with on it's own, but PTSD as well?! i am remembering you in my prayers and hope that things pick up for you soon. I pray that God would heal you and that you would be able to deal with the things that have caused these illnesses.
if you ever need to talk, you can always PM me. God bless.
xXx, *hugs*

Thanks, luv4god...the incident was five years ago, and it set off this depressive episode (my fourth in nine years). Unfortunately the trigger for the PTSD is something that is everywhere in society, so it's not like I can avoid it until I feel better-unless I lock myself in my apartment and never go outside.

I have homework for the class on Monday, and I'm dreading it. I guess I should get puttering away at it.

Thank you for your prayers.

 

[NJA]

The gentlest person I know is The Lord himself:-

M't:11:28: Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
:29: Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
:30: For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

His Spirit is that yoke, that leads us into green pastures and still waters spiritually.

Otherwise knows as "the Comforter" who can replace ALL our negatives with victory and new self-image.

The disciples received this at Pentecost, they were changed from frustrated, confused fearing people into world-changers