hello,
I will dare to post something a bit personal here...but wont get too specific. Anyways I am glad for this forum to come. I grew up the oldest of 3 in alcoholic abusive home. My dad got drunk on a regular basis and would then normally get out of control emotionally- crying, yelling, bullying, raging and on quite a few times embarrassed us, also put us in harms way by driving us little kids around while drunk, etc.
My mom was detached emotionally and very cold, unfeeling, and didnt take responsibility or act like the parent- (didnt protect us, never attempted to intervene, she would typically go to work, or go to another room, to escape. Once she even sent us on a vacation with him, when my brother was only 2 yrs old, my sister 6, and me 9) the whole time he was so drunk out of his mind,screaming threats at my little sister, if dcs had seen that we would have been in foster care.
Now to my point of posting. I grew up in this environment as a teenager I got depressed, panic attacks and also a serious eating disorder that almost took my life. Thru all this,there was no acknowledgment on my parents part that "gee, maybe this has something to do with drunk ol dad, and abuse?" it was treated as if it was something out of the blue. My parents took me to a counselor, of course they didnt mention the part about WHY I might be struggling. The counselor really was nice and helpful in some things but never really probed to find out why I was struggling. My parents were from a wealthy area and i think she just assumed, "oh, a 'nice' family from x town, '
I was too timid to tell her about the drinking/abuse, so seh just assumed I had issues with anxiety and depression, without any real reason. She told them I was depressed and then I took medicine for it.
I wish so badly I had the courage to tell her, but I was afraid of my dad, and thought if she confronted him with it, somethign horribnle would happen.
Over the years, now i'm an adult. I still have some amount of depression, trouble making decisions. It makes me really angry that my mom who could never admit the past keeps up the 'story' that 'gee, honey, you know your depressed'. It is veyr patronizing and skips over the whole issue of why.
My brother who was much younger than I growing up doesnt have a conscious memory of all of what went on, and the memory he does have, he denies.
I dont understand why he would feel the need to prop up some pseudo reality, saying only that sometimes dad may have had a little too much to drink. A LITTLE TOO MUCH? drinking until your stumbling, swearing, crying, yelling and bullying people, swerving in the car while driving every single weekend is 'a little too much'??
It also makes me angry that as the oldest I was exposed to most of it, since my dad finally gave up the bottle when I was close to my senior year in high school, too late for me to have a childhood- but my sister was 15, and my brother was only 12 at that point, so he had a good number of years where there wasnt drinking in the home.
I feel this is betrayal, disloyalty to me, for him to deny or dismiss the damage this caused me. Its also morally wrong to do so.
I admit I have low energy, it's hard to get motivated and be decisive, and I tend to be somewhat anxious, but also I know most of this is the conditioning of my childhood, since I grew up in emotional void, with no nurturing and little emotional security. It's no wonder I had panic attacks as a teenager. I resent that the real underlying reason was never addressed, and my mom and brother who look the other way to my dad's abuse, patronize me by saying 'you just need to take care of 'your depression'".
WHy dont they think my dad should have 'taken care of his alcoholism?"
I dont get it
I will dare to post something a bit personal here...but wont get too specific. Anyways I am glad for this forum to come. I grew up the oldest of 3 in alcoholic abusive home. My dad got drunk on a regular basis and would then normally get out of control emotionally- crying, yelling, bullying, raging and on quite a few times embarrassed us, also put us in harms way by driving us little kids around while drunk, etc.
My mom was detached emotionally and very cold, unfeeling, and didnt take responsibility or act like the parent- (didnt protect us, never attempted to intervene, she would typically go to work, or go to another room, to escape. Once she even sent us on a vacation with him, when my brother was only 2 yrs old, my sister 6, and me 9) the whole time he was so drunk out of his mind,screaming threats at my little sister, if dcs had seen that we would have been in foster care.
Now to my point of posting. I grew up in this environment as a teenager I got depressed, panic attacks and also a serious eating disorder that almost took my life. Thru all this,there was no acknowledgment on my parents part that "gee, maybe this has something to do with drunk ol dad, and abuse?" it was treated as if it was something out of the blue. My parents took me to a counselor, of course they didnt mention the part about WHY I might be struggling. The counselor really was nice and helpful in some things but never really probed to find out why I was struggling. My parents were from a wealthy area and i think she just assumed, "oh, a 'nice' family from x town, '
I was too timid to tell her about the drinking/abuse, so seh just assumed I had issues with anxiety and depression, without any real reason. She told them I was depressed and then I took medicine for it.
I wish so badly I had the courage to tell her, but I was afraid of my dad, and thought if she confronted him with it, somethign horribnle would happen.
Over the years, now i'm an adult. I still have some amount of depression, trouble making decisions. It makes me really angry that my mom who could never admit the past keeps up the 'story' that 'gee, honey, you know your depressed'. It is veyr patronizing and skips over the whole issue of why.
My brother who was much younger than I growing up doesnt have a conscious memory of all of what went on, and the memory he does have, he denies.
I dont understand why he would feel the need to prop up some pseudo reality, saying only that sometimes dad may have had a little too much to drink. A LITTLE TOO MUCH? drinking until your stumbling, swearing, crying, yelling and bullying people, swerving in the car while driving every single weekend is 'a little too much'??
It also makes me angry that as the oldest I was exposed to most of it, since my dad finally gave up the bottle when I was close to my senior year in high school, too late for me to have a childhood- but my sister was 15, and my brother was only 12 at that point, so he had a good number of years where there wasnt drinking in the home.
I feel this is betrayal, disloyalty to me, for him to deny or dismiss the damage this caused me. Its also morally wrong to do so.
I admit I have low energy, it's hard to get motivated and be decisive, and I tend to be somewhat anxious, but also I know most of this is the conditioning of my childhood, since I grew up in emotional void, with no nurturing and little emotional security. It's no wonder I had panic attacks as a teenager. I resent that the real underlying reason was never addressed, and my mom and brother who look the other way to my dad's abuse, patronize me by saying 'you just need to take care of 'your depression'".
WHy dont they think my dad should have 'taken care of his alcoholism?"
I dont get it
