reading his e-mails

[jpyanowski]

I am having the same problem with my 14 year old daughter. I periodically read her messages left on her my space account & I was rather shocked. I then went to her "friends" accounts & read to her the comments (very graphic) & she said she doesn't understand why they are like that! But, she still sends messages to them & it is making me crazy... This weekend was very ugly in our house, she began screaming at me that she hated me because I was in her room when she was im'ing a friend & accused me of violating her privacy. She then proceeded to tell me she hated me & wanted to live somewhere else. I tried very hard to stay calm & told her she had two choices, she could leave & leave all of her hi-price toys; cell phone, computer, ipod, etc or stay in our house & follow the rules. Right now she has opted for staying home! She also told several of her friends that she hated me & wants to leave & that I spy on her constantly!!! I try explaining to her that her dad & I are only trying to protect her & keep her safe, but it is like talking to my dog; I get the sad looks, but know that it isn't sinking in. I did get a Christian teen advice book this weekend & when she wouldn't read it, I sat in her room & read out loud the questions & answers. She seemed to calm down a bit after that, but cringed when I told her that we would be repeating that exercise tonight. What really confuses me about my daughter is that she will ask me to come in her room & then read something cute or funny a friend has posted on her my space or sent as an email, then a few minutes later she will be flipping out because I'm still in her room & am invading her privacy!!! I know being a teen is hard & most teens are confused, but my kid is confusing me with her actions. I should feel blessed that she still confides in me(at times) about things that happen with her friends, etc. but then she will tell friends I spy on her & she hates me. Does anybody else out there have a teen aged girl as confused as mine? If so, HELP ME!!

 

[c1ners]

I am having the same problem with my 14 year old daughter. I periodically read her messages left on her my space account & I was rather shocked. I then went to her "friends" accounts & read to her the comments (very graphic) & she said she doesn't understand why they are like that! But, she still sends messages to them & it is making me crazy... This weekend was very ugly in our house, she began screaming at me that she hated me because I was in her room when she was im'ing a friend & accused me of violating her privacy. She then proceeded to tell me she hated me & wanted to live somewhere else. I tried very hard to stay calm & told her she had two choices, she could leave & leave all of her hi-price toys; cell phone, computer, ipod, etc or stay in our house & follow the rules. Right now she has opted for staying home! She also told several of her friends that she hated me & wants to leave & that I spy on her constantly!!! I try explaining to her that her dad & I are only trying to protect her & keep her safe, but it is like talking to my dog; I get the sad looks, but know that it isn't sinking in. I did get a Christian teen advice book this weekend & when she wouldn't read it, I sat in her room & read out loud the questions & answers. She seemed to calm down a bit after that, but cringed when I told her that we would be repeating that exercise tonight. What really confuses me about my daughter is that she will ask me to come in her room & then read something cute or funny a friend has posted on her my space or sent as an email, then a few minutes later she will be flipping out because I'm still in her room & am invading her privacy!!! I know being a teen is hard & most teens are confused, but my kid is confusing me with her actions. I should feel blessed that she still confides in me(at times) about things that happen with her friends, etc. but then she will tell friends I spy on her & she hates me. Does anybody else out there have a teen aged girl as confused as mine? If so, HELP ME!!

My daughter was the perfect little girl until she turned 14! She confided everything to me. We laughed, we talked, we played, we enjoyed each others company. Her and her older sister were my best friends. I wasn't theirs of course, but they were mine.

A month into high school she totally changed. She started hiding things from me, lying to me, sneaking out her bedroom window at night. I could go on and on about the things she did, but I don't want anyone to think badly of her. My daughters problem was that she wanted to be popular. It didn't matter if it was with the "real" popular kids, or the "bad" group of kids. She just wanted to be a part of something. Anything. When she wasn't accepted by the "in" crowd, she went to the "bad" crowd. They accepted her. They also totally ruined our lives. She was so out of control it scared me. And the sad thing is is that no one would help me do anything about it. Her father would find her in an "act" and he would yell at me for it and tell me to tell her that she was grounded. Of course she never listened to me. Instead she would just sneak out, or wait until I went to bed to get on the phone or the computer. When I read letters from her boyfriend describing their sexual encounters, and read notes she had written to her friends telling them how much she hated me, and of how she was about to run away with this boy, I had to do something. Fast, and drastic. I sent her out of state to live with my husbands oldest daughter. Yes, she hates me. But I know in my heart of hearts that I did the right thing for her. I may have lost my daughter for the time being, but I haven't lost her completly. If she stayed her I really would have lost her. And she would have lost herself. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and my heart breaks everyday, but I did it because I love her. Maybe one day she'll understand that.

I hope your daughter doesn't go as far as mine. Put up boundaries before it's too late. I'll keep you in my prayers.

 

[glamourdollxoxo]

My parents never read my emails and I kept my myspace account on private. Me and my mom are super close so I tell her everything for the most part and she is respectful of my boundaries and doesn't pry through my I.M.'s or emails because if I ever need anything I can talk to her and at my age now I don't think it's called for. However when I was about 15 I was talking to a boy online and my mom stepped in and she only did it because she cared about me as her child and did what she had to in order to keep me safe and I thank her for that.

 

[indagroove]

We also tell our 15 yo girl that nothing on the internet is private. It is a public domain, and as the owner of all network equipment, and the resident network admin, we can and do see everything that comes in and goes out.

Her friends showed her how to use a proxy and bounce off it. But then I showed her the screen shots and key logging. She thinks she's pretty smart, but I have to remind her I've been working with computers for 28 years, she'll never get one over on us as long as she's using our network.

 

[MomOfTwoBoys]

I know that this thread was started a long time ago, but the points being made are still very relevant.

My house, my computer, my rules. We lock down the Internet when we aren't home. We lock it down at night too because our almost-fifteen-year-old son would access the Internet in the middle of the night when he couldn't sleep!

There is no expectation of privacy. I don't read everything that he writes, but he knows that I can. The computer is in a public place, the kids have to have permission to go on the Internet, and I have the right to read anything on the screen, check the history, and know all passwords.

I try to teach my children about the dangers of the Internet, saying things that can't just be deleted, and use of their time. These are tough lessons and I just hope that they will be ready by the time they leave home. It is a struggle. I pray for a good outcome.

 

[Misty Minister]

I'm not sure if I'm looking for a flogging here or some validation.... maybe a little understanding. I have been reading my sons e-mails since he has begun to correspond with this older girl. He's a month away from 16..... she is just weeks shy of 19. It's not that I don't trust them..... it is after all just e-mails at this point. But at their age, they're like clams to parents. At least this way I have a way of knowing what he's dealing with and how he's handling those things. I have the slightest tinge of guilt..... but for the most part I don't feel bad at all.

What if it is really a 50 yo guy instead of a 19 yo girl? How is one to know?

 

[lavenderskies]

My husband monitors our teen daughters internet communications. He also checks out her myspace site all the time, and when he showed it to me, I wanted to cry. She portrays herself to be this person she is not.

She gets mad and says it is a violation of her privacy, but my husband tells her she has no right to privacy of that kind until she lives in her own home. She doesn't understand how she looks to the outside world when she posts promiscuity and drinking on her myspace and it has become a huge source of contention in our home. I can't help but feel like this utter failure when she advertises negatively about herself. I wanted her to have more self-respect than that.

Right now the front page of her myspace says "My dad spys on my home page and he is an ********" He told her to change it, but I don't know if she has yet.

I feel horrible about what I read from her communications, but I don't feel one iota of guilt for reading it. I had no privacy as a child, and now as an adult, I am grateful that I was forbidden to do the things that would have changed me dramatically as a person. I am glad I didn't even have the opportunity to make those sorts of decisions. The choices were taken right out of my hands by my grandparents who raised me. And when I did make bad decisions, I am glad I had to face consequences, because it stopped me from doing it again.

Not only do we monitor our daughter's my space account but we have her password and log on info. We monitor everything with our kids. We have our own server and we choose what they are even allowed to go to. We have a very tight ship. Our kids have no problems with it. They understand its to protect them. Our daughter had a friend commit suicide due to bullying on my space, so we get no lip about it from our kiddos.

 

[jpyanowski]

Things have improved a bit in our house, my daughter apologized for saying she hated me & that she wanted to leave! She was in a school play last night & afterwards her dad & I were talking to some of the parents of her close friends & we discussed the reading of e-mail, i.m.'s & myspace accounts & I found out that we were not the only one doing so, but we were the only ones that let their kid know that her dad & I were reading her email, etc. When we got home I just casually brought up the fact that these other parents were reading emails, etc. & made a joke of the fact that, yes I am not crazy & am not the only one doing this. I told her at least she knew we were doing this, just think about your friends that don't know what their parents are doing & won't they be in for a surprise!

Yesterday I also realized how blessed her dad & I are to have her for our daughter(hateful remarks in anger & all) & I told her that this morning. Yesterday after school, a male friend of hers came over to the house & both my daughter & I were quite puzzled why this kid was here. About 30 minutes later along comes his girlfriend who happens to be a good friend of my daughters & she wants to stay for a few hours. My daughter asked if they could both stay & I asked her how likely was it that she was going to get 3 book reports done by 6:00 p.m. when she had to go to the school play???? I also told her that it was her decision, but if she didn't get her homework done, she would be grounded.... She told her friends to leave!!! After they left I asked her if she knew what was going on, she didn't. I also made a comment about how used I felt since her friend concocted this plan so she could see her boyfriend that her parents don't know about. I laughed when my daughter replied, "you feel used, she is supposed to be my best friend & she didn't tell me what she was doing"! So yes, I may have my ups & downs with my daughter & we may have our tense moments, but she still confides in me & talks to me, which is more than most teenage girls do with their parents. And again, I feel blessed that I have her as my daughter & I will try to stay calm during the trying times, hard as it may be to do. I pray for all of you who have teenagers & ask that you pray for my family also.

 

[BigMama]

I say read their emails. I found out my 16 year old was having sex through emails. If you don't monitor them and they don't talk to you, well what choice do you have but to snoop. I agree that while they are under my roof, what they do is my business.