reading his e-mails

[christalee4]

I have not checked out the Parenting Forum in a while and I glad to see a separate forum for Parenting Teens! This is great.

It has been interesting to read the responses to this thread.

My son is 16, has a computer in his room, but does not have an email account. He uses the computer for school, and for a group game, that's it. I once caught him looking at a porn site, and put an end to that quickly. He is not that much into computer technology and has no desire to email people; he's says he's more old fashioned and prefers to talk to people rather than email. He's a social animal and doesn't like to spend a lot of time inside. He just started wrestling, so he doesn't have much time for going on the computer. My stepson, on the other hand, is a computer geek, and I think he prefers the machine to people. He doesn't live with us, but doesn't seem much interested in things of a sexual nature and girls. He is more interested in his gaming than anything else.

I think it is necessary to give teens some privacy, but I can understand, due to the open nature of the internet communications marketplace, why parents of teen girls may want to monitor them closely.

The issue I would like to raise is, why are teens on the computer so much? I know we want to give our children a leg up on the technology and workplace of tomorrow, but there is something to be said for social interaction, with family and friends, going outside, doing sports, walking, running. I guess I am out of step with the times, but when I read about the inordinate amount of time and money teens spend on the cell phone and the computer, I wonder whether they are losing touch with their humanity, and not learning interpersonal relationship skills.

 

[His4Life]

I think it is good to monitor online activities of Kids . I try to tell my daughter its so much her I worry about , but when she wonders in a chat room or message board the ones on or sever I do worry about that. I have no problems with her emailing her friends but yes I keep close tabs and have a report sent to my email of all the places she visits . I will be holding your son and you in my prayers

 

[Motor City Christian]

One life-skill we should be giving our children, is situational awareness. They need to be aware of the world around them that they operate in, and of the implications of their choices.

E-mail is not private. No-one has a legitimate expectation of privacy when using it. It is sent through an unknown number of interim routing sites, all of whom make back-ups that may be handled and possibly read by an unknown number of computer professionals. That's totally aside from any intentional monitoring that may be going on by governments or internet providers (or parents, who are usually intermediate internet providers).

Webpages and messageboards are not private. What you post for the Whole Wide World to see can be seen -- by parents, teachers and future employers. You put it there for people to see -- it's not "spying" if people then see it!

If our children are furious, hurt, and betrayed when they discover these facts of life, then we have failed in our job by letting them foster the delusion of internet privacy.

My darling daughters have had email since they learned to read and write. And I have always received a duplicate copy of everything they get mailed; including the disgusting spam, the misaddressed personal mail from strangers, the cold-contacts from potential internet stalkers, and the occasional harmless note from playmates. At least that way, I can clean up the garbage before they see it, and mention the birthday invitations if they haven't checked their mail in a week. And they know, that email is a convenient means of communication but not a private means of communication.

For privacy, let them write letters .

I completely agree with this. When you're on a job, your boss is permitted to view all of your e-mails. Parents are responsible for their kids even more than bosses are. Why can't they do such a thing? I didn't get my own e-mail account(one I could only view) until I was 19. Before that, only my dad knew the password to my first e-mail account.

And, in my opinion, no one under 16 should have a myspace account. There are too many predators out there. I've heard they spend their whole day on there cruising for someone in which to prey.

My parents are overbearing in many other different areas of my life right now for me being 23 and have screwed up in many other ways. But monitoring web usage including e-mails is not only prudent but being responsible until the child turns 18. They didn't mess up on that one.

 

[indagroove]

I completely agree with this. When you're on a job, your boss is permitted to view all of your e-mails. Parents are responsible for their kids even more than bosses are. Why can't they do such a thing? I didn't get my own e-mail account(one I could only view) until I was 19. Before that, only my dad knew the password to my first e-mail account.

And, in my opinion, no one under 16 should have a myspace account. There are too many predators out there. I've heard they spend their whole day on there cruising for someone in which to prey.

My parents are overbearing in many other different areas of my life right now for me being 23 and have screwed up in many other ways. But monitoring web usage including e-mails is not only prudent but being responsible until the child turns 18. They didn't mess up on that one.

Agreed. We have 3000 users on our system, and we monitor employee activity.

At home, I blocked myspace.com at the firewall after I saw it showing up in the firewall logs. Daughter 14 asked about it not showing up, and we flat out told her there are too many preditors looking for girls just her age.

We told her when we first allowed her to use the computer. All electronic communications will be monitored. If she has a secret, put it in her diary. We won't read that. I have been in computer biz for 26 years. She knows I can hack anything, and we can see all ! Doesn't mean we do, but there is no expectation of privacy. We have 4 girls in the house. The 7yo is already wanting to date ! whatz up with that! On the 11:00 news last night there were 3 stories of girls under age of 12 being sexually assaulted. Wife and I just shook our head.
If you run in a passive mode (oh my baby wouldn't to that !)... by the time trouble is on your doorstep, it's too late to do anything except damage control.

The one thing I do have control of is what goes on in my house. The oldest will be leaving soon enough. I just want to make sure she gets to that age without being assaulted. This is not a game people.

 

[TexasSky]

I was the first major computer user in our home, and I put the computer in the living room where we all gather specifically to avoid any idea that what happens on that computer could not be shared with others in the house.

When my daughter asked me for an e-mail account of her own I told her, "I'll grant this, but you have to agree, right now, that I have access to everything you do on line. This is not because I do not trust you, it is because I do not trust other people. The internet is full of pedophiles, thieves and dangerous people. You have never been exposed to these kinds of people, and they can be very convincing. If someone says they want to send you something I shouldn't see, the first questions you need to ask yourself is why wouldn't Mom be able to see this?"

She agreed, and we never had any problems at all.

I told her younger brother the same thing. He recently received a new computer and it sits in the living room. Whether he is on it or I am on it, there are no secrets. My email is there and he can read it. I can read his.

By presenting it as something that is never private to begin with, I avoided the "you are invading my privacy" issue all together.

 

[TexasSky]

Since this is the topic:

Today's news:

http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/03/09/missing.girl/index.html

Read down and you will see that her computer showed she had been visiting a lot of sites she shouldn't have been visiting.

 

[bliz]

Our kids are 24, 21 and 19 and we have not monitored their computer use. They often invite us to look at sites they have found and we talk about safety on-line, but we have chosen to trust our kids until we have a good reason not to.

Several people have mentioned employeer rights to view e-mail, or the military spot insp[ections of base housing... Sorry - my relationship with my children is not that of an employeer or military order!

If children are posting foolish or inappropriate or dangerous things on-line, parents need to realize that the internet did not make them do this. The problem is within their child and is far bigger and more serious than what wed sites they look at.

 

[TexasSky]

Bliz,

I am not worried about my children behaving inappropriately, I am worried about my children being victimized, but again, I made it clear from day one that nothing on line was to private in our house, my stuff included.

I've already had a problem with someone who I think was attempting to create an inappropriate relationship with my son.

Quick version: Someone at my son's school said she had told her friend about my son and her friend wanted to chat with him on line.

The new-person then started flirting with my son. (He was about 12 or 13 at the time.) I asked my son if I could learn something about this girl. He told me that she claimed to be his age, have his interests, etc. I glanced down and said, "Hon, that picture is not of someone your age. Is that supposed to be her or an icon?" He said, "That's her." I said, "May I borrow your computer?" I then sent a message that said, "I am the parent of the 13 year old you are speaking to." The person logged off, and within just a few hours every site they had sent links to my son about showing him how to learn more about them was deleted.

My son had not done anything wrong - except trust.

I keep the web public.

 

[okron]

Don’t give your son or daughter too much rope or a second chance. I have a son who we caught looking at porn and went thru punishment of 3 mo off computer, read thru Every Young Man’s Battle, father-son talks etc. Thought it all sunk in as he was saying all the right things, yet he continued to click off AIM conversations when we walked into the room. I decided to load some monitoring software and read his conversations. It was like a knife through the heart and a punch to the stomach. He was visiting porn sites and deleting the individual history link, his conversations with individuals was Jeckle and Hyde depending on who he was talking too. My impression was that he could say anything hiding behind a computer and did. We took away his computer and phone, strangely he was more concerned about losing the phone than anything. I’m not sure what that says about what he was using the phone for? I have told him I can’t see a day when he will have free access to the internet in our house. Based on what was said in his conversations his heart is not right with God. I covet your prayers, I know at 15 I cannot monitor his every move much longer but as I told him I can make it difficult for him to make poor choices.

Bottom line….if you have any doubt please do not feel guilty about using monitoring software.

 

[okron]

Don’t give your son or daughter too much rope or a second chance.

By "second chance" I don't mean they cannot be forgiven... just don't give them unrestricted access, in our case I should have moved the PC, restricted access, etc

 

[YouthPastor]

The issue I would like to raise is, why are teens on the computer so much? I know we want to give our children a leg up on the technology and workplace of tomorrow, but there is something to be said for social interaction, with family and friends, going outside, doing sports, walking, running. I guess I am out of step with the times, but when I read about the inordinate amount of time and money teens spend on the cell phone and the computer, I wonder whether they are losing touch with their humanity, and not learning interpersonal relationship skills.

Good point. I think this is part of the reason why there are so many kids on ritlin etc....

 

[TexasSky]

Good point. I think this is part of the reason why there are so many kids on ritlin etc....

I think fear is what drove kids in doors.

My children grew up in the same neighborhood. For all of the oldest child's life, and most of the youngest's - the neighborhood was full of kids visiting one another, moving back and forth, etc.

We did things as a neighborhood often. One of our neighbors likes to set lawn chairs in his drive way and we all wander down there to talk. We used to get quilts out and sit in our front yards picnic style in the summer.

Then a pedophile started cruising the local elementary school, and tried to abduct a young boy. Kids vanished off the streets, and they just haven't come back out.

I make an effort to encourage my son to invite friends over, but by and large, the general "play on the streets" is just gone.

 

[lawtonfogle]

For me, I never had the ability to have friends over that much (just my parents) and so I started to play video games (and read, I read alot). But my dad started to want me to go outside. I did, and did one of three things.

Go to the feild and build an entier civilization in the dirt using armymen and what ever else I could get my hands on.

Invent a make-believe (even now at 17 I do that becuase my brothers like the games I think up) that were similar, in not based on, the books and games I played.

Became extremely bored.

To me, the outside was just to simple. Sometimes I go outside to sit and watch the clouds, but only sometimes. Unlike my father, I just cannot go sit by a river and watch the water for an hour waiting on a fish.

I just find things that can be done inside much more fun.

But, this is quite of topic from the OP.

 

[gibbs]

First off, I do hope I'm not infringing on the "parent's fourm" by posting in here; I merely want to voice my opinion into the topic.

I have had, and have parents who are very easy going about computer/phone/tv usage. I will admit to struggling in purity, steming from internet access. Because of this, I do wish my parents had put a monitoring software on the internet; I had to put my own software on now to keep me in line (again the x3 watch, emailing my youth leader and accountability partner). I wish they had helped to prevent this from begining by having monitoring software in place, or playing a more active role in my browsing habits. In terms of purity, it is the parents responsibility to keep us clean. However, this can be done in non-invasive ways, such as the X3 watch, and should be done with the child knowing.

However, you have to realize that NOTHING magical happens to kids at 18. They don't suddenly grow up and become able to make perfect choices. The mindset that one can baby their teens up until 18, and then assume that the teens are perfect kids is horribly foolish! Parents should be giving us, as teens, wisdom that stretches beyond their home, wisdom that we can take into our lives.

I SHOULD have privacy to what I'm talking to friends about on email, and I SHOULD have privacy when I'm doing the same on the phone. (I'm blessed that I enjoy these freedoms!) What parents must do is take an active role in scuplting what their children will do in these times.

Say my parents monitored my email daily. They wouldn't be teaching me to think for myself and to mature into an adult. All they would teach me is that I shouldn't share my private life, because my parents are watching. Not only would I develop other ways to talk to people that they COULDN'T monitor (many teens are not technologically stupid.....many can far surpass their adult counterparts in computing power [fact, not opinion]), but my parents would have shut down communication with me! Because they trust me, and let me learn, and earn freedoms, I am also building a trust in them so that I can come to them for advice and help. If my parents spied on my life, do you honestly think I would come to them for personal problems?

I simply do not comprehend how a parent can assume that they can spy on their teen, not guide them in how to live for themselves (what they will be doing after they turn 18, by the way), and be fooled into the notion that they are building a trust that tells their teen that they can be talked to. More simply: if you are controlling every part of their life & communications that you can, do you think that your teen will release control of their challenges, problems or concerns in other areas by talking to you about them? Congratulations, because you have virtually shut down communication. What happens then, when the teen needs help in purity, or is entering a relationship and wants your advice? Do you think they will come to you, and give up their control on ANOTHER part of life? Have you treated them in a way that you are earning their trust? Have you even taught them how to deal with these situations? Or have you just babied them by monitoring their every move? Teens need to be TAUGHT how to be mature and responsible for the rest of their life, not controlled in their every action

Parents are setting up their kids for disaster if they baby them until 18, and think that the teens will be able to magically think for themselves and protect themselves when they turn 18 and take all that control back. The role of parents is to give us wisdom as to how to live as God followers, so that they can be confident sending us into the world, not crushing and controlling us as teens so that we have no idea how to deal with ourselves, the world, or others, when we turn 18.

Hey: email me if you want to comment, or PM me. I'm in the IB program at school, so rare is the chance that I get to surf like this. Likely, I will forget this conversation ever happened! However, I'd love to chat more with people. Go ahead and PM, or check out my profile for my email.

God Bless you all,
And may He guide you in how to parent (because I have no clue!)

Eric

 

[Rhylla]

gibbs, very fair point there!

made me think about how much we talk to our kids about things.

pretty sure they know exactly why we do the things we do.
but will prolly have a good chat about it tomorrow

-Rhylla-

 

[Misty Minister]

I'm not sure if I'm looking for a flogging here or some validation.... maybe a little understanding. I have been reading my sons e-mails since he has begun to correspond with this older girl. He's a month away from 16..... she is just weeks shy of 19. It's not that I don't trust them..... it is after all just e-mails at this point. But at their age, they're like clams to parents. At least this way I have a way of knowing what he's dealing with and how he's handling those things. I have the slightest tinge of guilt..... but for the most part I don't feel bad at all.

Guilt schmilt, Your job as a parent included guiding your children with an almost psychic insight. If you get help by doing the responsible thing and reading correspondence you will be better at guiding him. Hi Psychic Mom.

 

[Misty Minister]

I'm not sure if I'm looking for a flogging here or some validation.... maybe a little understanding. I have been reading my sons e-mails since he has begun to correspond with this older girl. He's a month away from 16..... she is just weeks shy of 19. It's not that I don't trust them..... it is after all just e-mails at this point. But at their age, they're like clams to parents. At least this way I have a way of knowing what he's dealing with and how he's handling those things. I have the slightest tinge of guilt..... but for the most part I don't feel bad at all.

Guilt schmilt, Your job as a parent includes guiding your children with an almost psychic insight. If you get help by doing the responsible thing and reading correspondence you will be better at guiding him.
You dont want him getting her with child and ruining his life do you?

 

[Sisof8]

there are a lot of pages, so my reply might not even fit with what's being said now, but my thinking is that IF you tell your son you're reading his emails... it's okand probably wise. if you don't tell your child then it's deceitful and wrong.

 

[Misty Minister]

there are a lot of pages, so my reply might not even fit with what's being said now, but my thinking is that IF you tell your son you're reading his emails... it's okand probably wise. if you don't tell your child then it's deceitful and wrong.

I he knows his email is being read, he would logically switch to an account that she cant read such as a hotmail account. Her job is to guard and guide him. .

 

[Sophia7]

First off, I do hope I'm not infringing on the "parent's fourm" by posting in here; I merely want to voice my opinion into the topic.

I have had, and have parents who are very easy going about computer/phone/tv usage. I will admit to struggling in purity, steming from internet access. Because of this, I do wish my parents had put a monitoring software on the internet; I had to put my own software on now to keep me in line (again the x3 watch, emailing my youth leader and accountability partner). I wish they had helped to prevent this from begining by having monitoring software in place, or playing a more active role in my browsing habits. In terms of purity, it is the parents responsibility to keep us clean. However, this can be done in non-invasive ways, such as the X3 watch, and should be done with the child knowing.

My kids are not teenagers yet, but my husband is a pastor, so we deal with teenagers and parents of teenagers all the time.

Eric, your situation is becoming all too common. We know so many teenagers who are compromising their purity on the Internet. Their parents come to us for help in installing key-loggers and such and for advice about how to handle the situation. Porn is a big problem. The Internet is such a pervasive threat because people don't have to go out and pay money for magazines or risk being seen going into an adult bookstore to watch a pornographic video anymore. They can view things for free from the privacy of their bedrooms. They can have cybersex without the risk of contracting STDs or getting someone pregnant.

I do think that parents have a responsibility to protect their kids by monitoring their online activities because kids are too shortsighted and immature to fully understand how these things can affect their futures--especially their future marriages. They are also often too trusting about giving out personal information online and making themselves vulnerable to sexual predators.

It would prevent so much heartache if parents would take this responsibility seriously from the beginning and make it clear to their kids what the boundaries are and what the consequences will be for crossing them. Kids should be aware that their parents are monitoring their online activities. Just as parents should monitor who their friends in real life are and where they are going and what they are doing and when they will be home, so they should know what their kids are doing online. There will never be any question of that when our kids are old enough to understand. We are responsible for their health and safety and also for their spiritual development, and they will know that we intend to fulfill our responsibility.

However, you have to realize that NOTHING magical happens to kids at 18. They don't suddenly grow up and become able to make perfect choices. The mindset that one can baby their teens up until 18, and then assume that the teens are perfect kids is horribly foolish! Parents should be giving us, as teens, wisdom that stretches beyond their home, wisdom that we can take into our lives.

I SHOULD have privacy to what I'm talking to friends about on email, and I SHOULD have privacy when I'm doing the same on the phone. (I'm blessed that I enjoy these freedoms!) What parents must do is take an active role in scuplting what their children will do in these times.

Say my parents monitored my email daily. They wouldn't be teaching me to think for myself and to mature into an adult. All they would teach me is that I shouldn't share my private life, because my parents are watching. Not only would I develop other ways to talk to people that they COULDN'T monitor (many teens are not technologically stupid.....many can far surpass their adult counterparts in computing power [fact, not opinion]), but my parents would have shut down communication with me! Because they trust me, and let me learn, and earn freedoms, I am also building a trust in them so that I can come to them for advice and help. If my parents spied on my life, do you honestly think I would come to them for personal problems?

I simply do not comprehend how a parent can assume that they can spy on their teen, not guide them in how to live for themselves (what they will be doing after they turn 18, by the way), and be fooled into the notion that they are building a trust that tells their teen that they can be talked to. More simply: if you are controlling every part of their life & communications that you can, do you think that your teen will release control of their challenges, problems or concerns in other areas by talking to you about them? Congratulations, because you have virtually shut down communication. What happens then, when the teen needs help in purity, or is entering a relationship and wants your advice? Do you think they will come to you, and give up their control on ANOTHER part of life? Have you treated them in a way that you are earning their trust? Have you even taught them how to deal with these situations? Or have you just babied them by monitoring their every move? Teens need to be TAUGHT how to be mature and responsible for the rest of their life, not controlled in their every action

Parents are setting up their kids for disaster if they baby them until 18, and think that the teens will be able to magically think for themselves and protect themselves when they turn 18 and take all that control back. The role of parents is to give us wisdom as to how to live as God followers, so that they can be confident sending us into the world, not crushing and controlling us as teens so that we have no idea how to deal with ourselves, the world, or others, when we turn 18.

I don't think that anyone here is endorsing the idea that our job is merely to enforce rules without also shaping our children's characters and giving them the tools that they need to make responsible decisions as they become capable of that. However, we can be the best parents in the world, and our kids can still be led astray. The Internet can do a lot of good, but it has also brought an unprecedented level of temptation directly into people's bedrooms. No child is perfect, and no child (or adult, for that matter) is beyond the reach of that temptation. We as parents can see dangers that our kids can't see. Monitoring our kids' activities is necessary not to wield our power and tyrannize our kids but rather to protect them from those who would take advantage of their innocence and their inexperience in life. We as Christian parents need to teach our kids how to avoid altogether those things that would lead them into the path of temptation. And we can't do that if we are ignorant about what they are seeing and with whom they are communicating.

And, yes, most importantly, we need to teach them to love and follow God, but if we fail to also guard them from temptation and protect their purity, then that makes it so much harder for them to turn back and follow God in the long term. Until they are truly mature enough to make responsible moral decisions on their own, it is our God-given obligation to help them flee from sexual immorality and from all other types of sin.