reading his e-mails

[3girls2dogs]

BRAVO!! that is what i was feeling! and 3girls2dogs she isnt a child she is a adult! and if your going to look at their emails and go in their rooms and look at all their things they should have the same privlige! if you make them give you thier passwords then give them your passwords if you go in their rooms at any time and look at everything let them go in your room at any time and look ar your stuff if you look at their emails let them look at you emails and etc.

15 is not an adult. No way. How many children do you have?

ETA: I never said I went through her emails. I said we read her myspace, which, I apparently keep needing to remind people, is a public space.

BTW....my daughter and I have a very good relationship, but teenagers are under a lot of peer pressure, and there are many predators online looking to prey on them. I recall a recent case of a 17 year old girl being killed by a much older man that she had been posing for online. She was a "good girl" who wanted to experiment. I would like to think that I am doing this perfect job as a parent, but I am nowhere near perfect. My daughter had some real anger issues when her biological father had his breakdown and blamed her for it. She started cutting herself and if I didn't check on her constantly, she would have kept doing it while we were trying to help her work through it. She has since stopped and has come a long way, but things are not always as black and white as we would like to think they are. How nice it is to sit and judge the choices others make without knowing everything there is to know.

But I feel I must repeat this one basic fact. Fifteen years old is not an adult, and if I were to come here and say I kicked her out and forced her to provide for herself, you who are so adamant about her privacy would be very quick to remind me of that. I have never lied to her about checking up on her myspace. I have never lied to her about her expectations of privacy. She is more than welcome to look in my room or read my emails. She is a member of this board and read these threads all the time. I can assure you, however, that as long as she lives in my home, she will adhere to the rules her stepfather and I set for her. She has no problem with me paying for her cell phone. She has no problem with me paying for the internet bill that provides her with the access. And while she enjoys these privileges, she will obey the rules of using them. My work has access to my emails and internet logs, and guess what, I don't care.

Check these articles out...

http://www.usatoday.com/tech/columnist/edwardbaig/2003-01-29-baig-safety_x.htm

Christina Long's life was full of promise. The popular 13-year-old from Connecticut was an honor student and cheerleader. But it seems Christina had a troubling, secretive side. She was meeting strangers over the Internet.Last May, Christina was strangled to death, and police believe she met her killer online.

http://da.co.la.ca.us/pok/pokpredators.htm

Seventy-one percent of all parents stop monitoring their child’s use of the Internet after the child turns 14, not knowing that 72 percent of all Internet-related missing children are 15 years of age or older.

http://www.americancatholic.org/Messenger/May2003/Feature1.asp

Who is most at risk? The Thornburgh Committee concluded it is 15-year-old girls who disclose too much personal information in chat rooms because they "just know" that they can somehow "tell" whether an Internet "friend," whom they have not yet met in person, is who he or she claims to be. An hour or two with our NCMEC experts could save these girls a lot of grief

.

 

[IWTALCT]

15 is not an adult. No way. How many children do you have?

i said you called estefana a child but her profile says shes 19

 

[Linnis]

While I will try to respect my child's privacy, I do not think it's wrong to read a child's E-mail. Once they hit 18, if they want privacy, they better start paying rent because otherwise they have no say whatsoever about when and when I'm not allowed in their rooms.

I wanted more Privacy, I got a job, made for rent, my own computer and internet access and ta da privacy. Although even with that privacy there we're rules, which had to be followed because I still lived in my parents home, kind of like a Renter's agreement.

 

[3girls2dogs]

I have added to my original post up there. And, really, if all you got out of my whole post is that I called Estafana a child, you really have missed the point.

 

[3girls2dogs]

I wanted more Privacy, I got a job, made for rent, my own computer and internet access and ta da privacy. Although even with that privacy there we're rules, which had to be followed because I still lived in my parents home, kind of like a Renter's agreement.

I wholeheartedly agree. Heck, we live in military housing, and they are allowed to do any spot inspections they want, and on this base, they do it. We have been here since June and have had 2 so far.

 

[Linnis]

I wholeheartedly agree. Heck, we live in military housing, and they are allowed to do any spot inspections they want, and on this base, they do it. We have been here since June and have had 2 so far.

Exactly, we live in an apartment and they have bi-annual cleanlyness inspections, yearly termite check, but if they see anything against the signed Renter's agreement, I know I'd hear about it.

 

[IWTALCT]

She is more than welcome to look in my room or read my emails.

Does she know that she has this freedom?

 

[HEYxTearCatcher]

BRAVO!! that is what i was feeling! and 3girls2dogs she isnt a child she is a adult! and if your going to look at their emails and go in their rooms and look at all their things they should have the same privlige! if you make them give you thier passwords then give them your passwords if you go in their rooms at any time and look at everything let them go in your room at any time and look ar your stuff if you look at their emails let them look at you emails and etc.

Ok, Hi. I'm Samm, I'm 3girls2dogs daughter. So, my mom just told me to read this thread... Yes, I am angry that my parents look at my MySpace and go through my room, but they do have that right. I'm almost 16 years old- and even though I like to be thought of one, I know that I'm not an adult yet. It's their computer, and their house, and they have the right... I understand that I may have the same right, but why do I care about what their e-mails say? That's just plain-ole boring... Don't get me wrong, I want my privacy- and they give that to me. It's not like they eavesdrop constantly... They just check up on me when they have valid reason to be worried. They respect me and my decisions... For example, they pretty much despise my boyfriend, but have never told me I'm not allowed to see him, because they respect that I want to be with him. I just don't see the big deal. If the child has nothing to hide... Then why does it matter?

<3Samm

 

[HEYxTearCatcher]

+ My parents have never once asked me for my password, or actually gone on my account... And as a matter of fourth- MySpace is public domain, and even if it irritates me... I can't really say anything. I put it up for the public... My parents happen to be part of, "The Public."

 

[lawtonfogle]

I have 3 email accounts, one for school, one normal, and one a secret line of comunication (it is for when I sign up for forums, I give them that email, and I use it to communicate with certains trustworthy adults at my church, who have kids that I don't want them to trace me to what is being discussed (nothing bad, just not something an average 12 - 15 would understand, especially when they only read bits and pieces). My parents know the password to none of them. Why, for all my life, they trusted me. It was here when my parents made the discission. I do many a threads on the Debate area, some of a bit tastless titles (which is what our history records), and so one day, my mom was searching though and found all the stuff. She got me, trying not to be too mad, till I showed her that they were discussions about certain things as the morality of America. She kept an eye on my post at CF for a while, then left me alone.

Now, as for the key stroke software you mentioned, you better be real careful. First, if a hacker finds it, they got all your, and your kids, passwords. Also, if your kid finds it, they may get vengeful and use it against you. Of course a normal kid wouldn't, but the kids who are good with computers can easily.

Now, as for the entire Idea of a parent destroying privacy in name of protection, I agree with. Had I not know for many years that I had about four sets of eyes on most of my actions, I would not be as I am now. A kid needs to realize, there is no such thing as privacy in the real world. Yes, I did just say there is not such thing as privacy. The Government can track every penny you spent, and everywhere you have been, and every site you have visited, and you have no right to stop them, for it is in the name of public safety.

 

[lawtonfogle]

I have 3 email accounts, one for school, one normal, and one a secret line of comunication (it is for when I sign up for forums, I give them that email, and I use it to communicate with certains trustworthy adults at my church, who have kids that I don't want them to trace me to what is being discussed (nothing bad, just not something an average 12 - 15 would understand, especially when they only read bits and pieces). My parents know the password to none of them. Why, for all my life, they trusted me. It was here when my parents made the discission. I do many a threads on the Debate area, some of a bit tastless titles (which is what our history records), and so one day, my mom was searching though and found all the stuff. She got me, trying not to be too mad, till I showed her that they were discussions about certain things as the morality of America. She kept an eye on my post at CF for a while, then left me alone.

Now, as for the key stroke software you mentioned, you better be real careful. First, if a hacker finds it, they got all your, and your kids, passwords. Also, if your kid finds it, they may get vengeful and use it against you. Of course a normal kid wouldn't, but the kids who are good with computers can easily.

Now, as for the entire Idea of a parent destroying privacy in name of protection, I agree with. Had I not know for many years that I had about four sets of eyes on most of my actions, I would not be as I am now. A kid needs to realize, there is no such thing as privacy in the real world. Yes, I did just say there is not such thing as privacy. The Government can track every penny you spent, and everywhere you have been, and every site you have visited, and you have no right to stop them, for it is in the name of public safety.

 

[SilentEye]

I disagree with most of the replies. I think kids do deserve privacy. I give my kids the respect that I expect them to give me. I keep an open line of communication with my kids. My son has a computer in his room, but I'm lucky in that he's a fantastic kid and half the time would rather be outside haha. My daughter is the tricky one, she doesn't have a computer in her room, she has to use the one out here in the family room. I don't read her emails or IMs, but she knows I'm around when she's using it, and I do ask her what she's doing. She knows I'm watching her. So far, so good. A couple of times I told her I didn't want her chatting with friends of her friends that she didn't know. She got angry, but then she got over it.

Also we do have computer software that blocks inappropriate web sites. But like I said, I don't read their email or IMs. Now having said that, if I knew for a fact one of them was doing something they shouldn't, or had a trouble-maker child, I would ASK them to show me their emails. Their response alone to that would be a good indication of what I would find.

 

[LegacyOfLove]

Wow, this has become a very enlightening thread!

My 2 oldest children have email accounts (ages 16 and 13...soon to be 14). We (hubby & I) told them from the beginning that this is a privledge, not a right. The computer is in our bedroom and thus, they need permission to be on the computer. They can have privacy, but they know up front that if they abuse their time on the internet (doing things they should not or visiting any sites that they shouldn't) - that will be the end of their "browsing" days.

When we helped them set up their email accounts, we set up the password for them. We told them that if they want to change it, they need to let us know about it.

I think there is a matter of teens understanding about their privacy and what parental responsibilities are. When they know that you are not doing this just to "ruin their fun" - but because you are protecting them and looking out for their best interest - it actually strengthens your relationship with your teen.

Believe it or not, they DO appreciate that mom and dad care enough to give them boundaries and limits.

 

[lawtonfogle]

A thought, maybe when they are young (13-16) it would be good to lock down on them, but during the last few years, they need to be prepared for the freedom of being an adult.

 

[Linnis]

I was a teen not to long ago, and I think if my parents had been better parents and less like my friend I'd have had a safer childhood.

 

[Estefana]

My parents are my friends and I grew up fine. I appareciate that they didn't read my emails and look up what I was doing and trusted me to be responsible and allowed me to have privacy. My emails are my bsuiness. It is no different then opening someones mail.

 

[bumblebee62331]

You need to be prepared for your son to realise that you are reading his emails. When he does, he will be furious, he will be hurt, he will feel betrayed and there will be a lot of pain, stress and anger. He will begin hiding things from you, he won't trust you, he will distance himself from you and he will resent you. He will probably go running to this girl, he will complain about you to his friends, he will find friends who also have parents who have betrayed their trust. You will lose him, perhaps not forever, but for some time, emotionally and maybe even physically. He is at the age where this will affect him greatly and will remain with him for a long time.

I am speaking from experience. I know I will probably be jumped on for saying this, but I felt I had to say something. It's completely up to you how you bring up your children, what degree of privacy you give them and nobody else can tell you how to live your - or your child's - life. Yes, you were all teenagers at some point, but your children are different people to you and they may - and probably will - react completely differently to this sort of invasion of privacy. You need to be prepared for confrontation and to explain why you did it.

EDIT: I think restricting access to porn sites is a wonderful idea - depending on the child, however, it may encourage them to wonder what the sites are like. But reading private emails without their knowledge? That's different.

 

[Estefana]

I don't have a filter on my computer because at 19, I don't need one and I hardly go lookin for porn. However, if I found out that someone was reading my emails and letters without my consent - I was be VERY angry and you should be prepared for your son to be angry.

As for myspace profiles? Let teens be teens.

 

[3girls2dogs]

I don't have a filter on my computer because at 19, I don't need one and I hardly go lookin for porn. However, if I found out that someone was reading my emails and letters without my consent - I was be VERY angry and you should be prepared for your son to be angry.

As for myspace profiles? Let teens be teens.

Estefana, saying the same thing over and over isn't going to make anyone more open to what you are saying.

Thank you for your views, but I think if the parents in this forum wanted advice from teens, they would post in the teen forum. I think your view and a parent's view are going to be different.

The OP has a specific reason, as do the other parents who have posted in this thread, for being concerned. If that reason doesn't apply to you, then wonderful. Congratulations. But just because it doesn't, don't pretend the reasons don't exist. As many of us have said, we are prepared for our children to be angry, and are more concerned with their safety than being their friends. If I spent my life worrying about whether my children were going to be angry at me, then I would never discipline them at all.

I think that until you have children of your own, you may want to reconsider whether your parenting advice is really sound.

Teens being teens is not a good enough reason to let my daughter post too much information about herself online. Nor is it a good enough reason to let them become victims of online sexual predators. No matter how many times you say it.

 

[pmcleanj]

One life-skill we should be giving our children, is situational awareness. They need to be aware of the world around them that they operate in, and of the implications of their choices.

E-mail is not private. No-one has a legitimate expectation of privacy when using it. It is sent through an unknown number of interim routing sites, all of whom make back-ups that may be handled and possibly read by an unknown number of computer professionals. That's totally aside from any intentional monitoring that may be going on by governments or internet providers (or parents, who are usually intermediate internet providers).

Webpages and messageboards are not private. What you post for the Whole Wide World to see can be seen -- by parents, teachers and future employers. You put it there for people to see -- it's not "spying" if people then see it!

If our children are furious, hurt, and betrayed when they discover these facts of life, then we have failed in our job by letting them foster the delusion of internet privacy.

My darling daughters have had email since they learned to read and write. And I have always received a duplicate copy of everything they get mailed; including the disgusting spam, the misaddressed personal mail from strangers, the cold-contacts from potential internet stalkers, and the occasional harmless note from playmates. At least that way, I can clean up the garbage before they see it, and mention the birthday invitations if they haven't checked their mail in a week. And they know, that email is a convenient means of communication but not a private means of communication.

For privacy, let them write letters .