Reaching Out for Help...Possible AN/BN trigger...

Hello,

Right now I feel that I am in a bad situation



I have debated about posted this thread for about a day or two because I figured that maybe I am going through some sort of teen phase. Over the past few months/years I have battled off and on with builemia and anerxorica (sorry I am sured I prolly spelled it wrong). Back when I was about # years old, my battle started to take a turn for the worse. I came to the point where I had a negative outlook on food and I still do. I did whatever I could to advoid eating. One day a close friend was over and realized that I really haven't been eating. My mom and my friend started questioning my eating habits, when this happened I went back to "normal" before they could really see what they was thinking might be true.


Currently, I feel like I am losing an even bigger battle to Builemia, Wednesday for the first time I forced myself to throw up the food I had just eaten. Afterwards I felt so much better in a way I had felt happy yet ashamed of what I had just done. I love the feeling it gave me afterwards, and I like the fact that I didn't feel hungry after doing so. Everytime I eat on thursday and friday I was near my mother or my best friend everytime I ate, so I wasn't able to get rid of the food I had just eaten. On friday when I ate by myself for the first time after throwing up for the first time. I almost went into a panic mode. I started crying and breaking down because I wanted to throw it back up so bad. I was really debating back and forth about doing it, then I felt worse because I didn't do it when I know I should have. Lately I haven't stepped on a scale (in some months now) but I know that I have gained weight. When I got on the scale it showed I was loosing but when I looked in the mirror it felt like I was gaining weight. I was in my friends bathroom today and there was a big mirror, when I looked in the mirror I couldn't just see my face and body as "beatiful" like I have once before. All I could see was my flaw. I felt like everyone could see how big I am getting. It's like when I am not around family and friends I literally walk back and forth from out of the bathroom trying to stop myself from throwing up. The reason I didn't do it was not because I think it's wrong, but because I don't want to get caught and don't want anyone to think something is wrong.

I once heard before that having this type or other types of eating disorders is like saying you don't think God did a good job. But I don't look at it that way, it's not God's fault that I have gained weigh (in reality I have gained weight over the years). It's not his fault that I didn't do what I needed to do to stay smaller. But it's like I don't fault him for it, it's not about self-esteem it's about needing to just do what needs to be done to see results. Lately I haven't been able to fast either, I can have the right intention of fasting but it's like mentally I know the fasting would end up not being for spiritual need or anything but a great excuse for not eating or something of the sort. I am not thin, by the BMI standards I am somewhat overweight and tall as well which makes it worse.


I am saying all of this to say that I think that I need help, do you think maybe it's just a teen stage and will pass over time, do you have any help or advice for me?

ThankS

But the thing is, I don't feel like there is anything wrong with it, as long as I can keep it under control. It's like I do feel there is something wrong but at the same time I don't feel there is anything wrong with it.

Thanks for replying I appericate it, since I have only thrown up once, do you think I still need to tell her and get help? I will be honest I am not sure if I need help or if anything is wrong. At times I feel like I do (like after eating) but after a little while I feel better it's getting through the first 15 or so minutes after eating that is sometimes a challenge. I will also admit, that the thought of throwing up to me is a bit gross, but it's like after throwing up, it's like this feeling you get. Like your in control, like your causing yourself not to gain weight, It's like right after I am proud of myself for doing it. It's like I feel better because I know that sooner or later I will see a difference in my weight. But it's like after throwing up I can look in the mirrow at myself and feel proud. It's when I don't decide to throw up I feel worse.

I was kind of thinking that as well the problem with AN is I would get to points where I would have to eat because it was so visible that I started not eating or only eating one small meal a day. This went on for a while.

But even if I throw up like once a week or something just for a month or two, I figured I wouldn't really be putting myself at risk for passing out, tooth decay and all. They do care alot for me but it's like I don't want anyone in my real life to know about it. Because I know that they don't view the situation I do. I don't want them to think I have a problem or that I am not okay.

I really don't want to discuss this with my parents because I don't want them to think I have an eating disorder, or that I am depressed/unhappy, or that I am not okay. I am sure they won't view or see it the same way I do. On top of that I partly blame my dad for the weight gain.

Just wanted to share this what I posted in another thread of mind, but I wanted to let you all know that I will be praying about the sitaution and I will be trying to get in touch with the counselor at my college, I am starting to see I think that's what I need to do

Over the past week or so I have been thinking about what you have said, and what others have said. I have to agree with you, even though I have tried it only once. I have to admit that I loved the feeling after throwing up, I am starting to realize that it is something that I could get addicted to. But I have been trying to view it as something that could be controled, but as you have said I keep getting this feeling that I will be sucked in before I realize it and heading down the road path, it's like in my mind I shouldn't do it and all and I see the dangers, but it's like in my heart, I look pass it all towards the goal of feeling better and losing weight and all.

Beleive me I know what you mean, I was actually shocked when I looked in the mirror and for the first time in a long time I actually liked what I saw. Part of me feels like the result was from throwing up and another part felt better because I ate a banana before I went to sleep and didn't think about throwing it up.

I am starting to see what your talking about and my nails use to be healthy, good length and strong and not they are weak, chipped and everything else. I am not sure why even though I don't have a full fleged ED or anything, I been for the time being over some time been restricting my diet, part of it is on purpose and part of the time I realize it's hard to break out of the habit of eating like eating one meal or like two small meals a day. Even though we are suppose to have three meals a day and all. But for the longest time I would only try and eat once a day and it would be evening time by then. That has gotten better I try to force myself to eat when I feel hungry and don't feel like eating.


But this week has been alot better, but I do think I do need to talk to a couselor before the feeling comes back stronger, but I am happy to say that I did eat by myself today and didn't throw it up or debate about throwing it up. But I gotta do something, I slipped up and mentioned to my mom over the weekend that I just wanted to throw up so bad because I didn't feel well after eating. I use to throw up alot, not now but about a year ago for about four years, because during that time of the month I would be in so much pain that I would throw up and feel better, I don't know because I am talking pills for that reason, but I have wondered maybe I got too use to throwing up, at one point each month I would throw up between #-# times in one to two days. I told her today when talking about throwing up (like when mucus is draining into your thoart/stomach and throwing up is like the only way to get it out other than coughing it up). She mentioned she can't stand throwing up, I told her throwing up doesn't bother me anymore because I have gotten use to it and all. But I think I am going to take up that offer to talk to a counselor though as well as my doctors for a good diet plan or possibly pills I can take for it.

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Living4him09

I just wanted to inform everyone that I am doing alot better. I think 2010 will be a wonderful year.

Thanks