RE: Married man but having feelings for another woman

[BoBoMan]

I had to create a new thread because my initial one was locked due to some off topic discussion. This is my initial thread I'm referring to:

Married man but having feelings for another woman

Anyway, I'm not sure how to even start this thread, but I'll start by asking for your continuous prayers as I'm still struggling bad. I was going to private message a few of the ones who responded and ask for advice directly instead of starting a new thread but I wasn't able to figure it out so here I am again. I've went back and read over and over all of the great advice and comments from my brothers/sisters in Christ and if it wasn't for your comments/advice, I'd probably already be in a very bad position with this other woman so thank you all for that and for God for His strength but it's still very hard today.

I'm here again because I would like to elaborate more on what I'm going through and feeling and ask for further explanation and advice. I'm not trying to justify anything or rationalize anything so I can be with this woman, I know what is wrong and what is right. Since my last thread, I have had detailed, lengthy conversations with my wife about our marriage, this woman and all of our shortcomings and even what all I have to do going forward and things have been getting better in the marriage. I want to explain a few things that I've been battling before I go into details. I don't know how to really explain this but I'll do my best. My wife and I have been together for 15 years total, 10 of which have been in marriage. I don't really recall how I felt 15 years ago so I can't elaborate on that however today I can tell you that after us talking about everything meaning our current marriage, this new woman and what I'm going through, we both agreed that we've been apart a while physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc;. We also have both agreed that we're not "in love" with each other however we did love each other and that we need to fall back in love like we were 10-15 years ago. I believe this in itself is partially to blame for me being in a position where I could even be tempted with another woman. After much prayer, regardless of whether my wife and I were in love or not, I feel like the reason this situation happened is because first and foremost, I haven't loved my wife as Christ loves the church. I've been just doing the typical husband thing as in working, taking care of everything outside and helping on the inside when I can. I do everything I can where I can however I can say I haven't done the best I can do in every category so to speak such as communication, helping cook, wash dishes, etc;. Next is because my wife and I haven't been "close" and "in love" in a long time and add in a 19 month old and it makes us even farther apart emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc; because everything is now focused on the baby. We've been together for 15 years total and neither one of us has been tempted or faced anything like what I am going through right now.

The other main reason I'm back is what I'm feeling today. The feelings I still have for this woman are so intense it scares me. It's one the strongest romantic feelings I've ever had towards anyone, even my wife. I don't know if it's real feelings or if it's just sin and my flesh is watering at the mouth. This woman is a good bit younger, very attractive, easy to talk to, smart, funny and the list goes on. We have so many things in common and share so many interests it's scary. I know and have explained to her though, until the day comes where I'm no longer in this covenant with God, and it's not my fault, there's no way we can have a Godly relationship and she acknowledges and agrees. But even knowing and believing this, my feelings are still intense towards her. Why? How? Just a thought of her puts me in a better mood and makes me smile. I fight it everyday, thoughts about her, hearing her voice in my head, etc;. I created the initial thread on July 5th, 2018. Since then I have spoken to this woman on and off as I see her in the office but always around coworkers and never alone. I'll admit thought I've texted her a few times here and there but nothing like we were prior to this as it was daily before. Even when I go days without seeing her or talking to her at all, she's all I can think about and I miss her so bad. Why? I honestly feel like, if I were to spend much more time with her, around her, talking to her, I could easily fall in love with her. I want to make sure I say this to. The fact that I actually want to be with her scares me.

So my questions are, are these feelings real feelings or are these feelings fed by sin only? I ask this because, she's single and she feels the same as I do.

Is there anything I can do to get rid of these feelings?

How do I move forward knowing I can't have a Godly relationship with her but yet still have intense feelings for her, want to be with her, and can't seem to get her out of my mind/thoughts/dreams, etc; ??

I want to thank everyone in advance for taking the time to read my post and respond.

 

[Paul of Eugene OR]

Just realize such feelings are to be ignored. It is a struggle that will be a great joy when you realize you have won.

 

[drjean]

Feelings are real but they lie to you.
What to do? Fall back in love with your wife! You say you can't recall?
Begin again by dating and chatting and not about problems! Usually the very reasons people marry are the reasons they get divorced... opposites attrack.

Do what you know GOD would have you do and stop those evil thoughts about the grass on the other side of the fence.

 

[strength in Jesus]

You and the other woman are toying with the temptation. It isn't worth the cost as others have pointed out and losing a good relationship with God. I agree with what open heart stated which I pasted below. If I were you I would think of what she said everytime you start to think about so and so. Confess scripture out loud when you're tempted like, "I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me. I love my wife as Christ loves the church." Pray earnestly for God to help you overcome the inappropriate feelings and thoughts you have and to make you love your wife. Fasting makes prayer more powerful.

Open heart said,
The other woman is not going to give you what you think she is. Nor is she the ideal woman you are imagining her to be. You are infatuated, which means you are not seeing clearly. Any relationship you establish with her will be contaminated because it will be built on a rotten foundation, ready to crumble. You will never be able to trust each other to remain faithful, because your relationship was built upon infidelity

 

[All4Christ]

Honestly, I believe it is important to totally cut off contact with the other woman...no texting, no emails, nothing. Until you do that, it will be even more difficult to get past that.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

You need to realise that any further contact with this woman will destroy your Christian life and any hopes of having a ministry for the Lord. That is the price you will pay. You and your wife are one flesh before the Lord, if you both split because of this other woman, you will destroy her status with the church as well, and if you have children, they will suffer. And think of all the souls you could have won to Christ who will not be won because you destroyed your ministry and testimony because you allowed your feelings to dominate you instead of preserving your love and feelings for your wife. It is a big price to pay, and I assure you, you will deeply regret it for the rest of your life!

 

[mama2one]

you owe it to the child you created with your wife to be there now for your child

the first few years of a child's life are very important
children are a blessing and your child deserves you and your wife's attention and care

 

[Brian Mcnamee]

I had to create a new thread because my initial one was locked due to some off topic discussion. This is my initial thread I'm referring to:

Married man but having feelings for another woman

Anyway, I'm not sure how to even start this thread, but I'll start by asking for your continuous prayers as I'm still struggling bad. I was going to private message a few of the ones who responded and ask for advice directly instead of starting a new thread but I wasn't able to figure it out so here I am again. I've went back and read over and over all of the great advice and comments from my brothers/sisters in Christ and if it wasn't for your comments/advice, I'd probably already be in a very bad position with this other woman so thank you all for that and for God for His strength but it's still very hard today.

I'm here again because I would like to elaborate more on what I'm going through and feeling and ask for further explanation and advice. I'm not trying to justify anything or rationalize anything so I can be with this woman, I know what is wrong and what is right. Since my last thread, I have had detailed, lengthy conversations with my wife about our marriage, this woman and all of our shortcomings and even what all I have to do going forward and things have been getting better in the marriage. I want to explain a few things that I've been battling before I go into details. I don't know how to really explain this but I'll do my best. My wife and I have been together for 15 years total, 10 of which have been in marriage. I don't really recall how I felt 15 years ago so I can't elaborate on that however today I can tell you that after us talking about everything meaning our current marriage, this new woman and what I'm going through, we both agreed that we've been apart a while physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc;. We also have both agreed that we're not "in love" with each other however we did love each other and that we need to fall back in love like we were 10-15 years ago. I believe this in itself is partially to blame for me being in a position where I could even be tempted with another woman. After much prayer, regardless of whether my wife and I were in love or not, I feel like the reason this situation happened is because first and foremost, I haven't loved my wife as Christ loves the church. I've been just doing the typical husband thing as in working, taking care of everything outside and helping on the inside when I can. I do everything I can where I can however I can say I haven't done the best I can do in every category so to speak such as communication, helping cook, wash dishes, etc;. Next is because my wife and I haven't been "close" and "in love" in a long time and add in a 19 month old and it makes us even farther apart emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc; because everything is now focused on the baby. We've been together for 15 years total and neither one of us has been tempted or faced anything like what I am going through right now.

The other main reason I'm back is what I'm feeling today. The feelings I still have for this woman are so intense it scares me. It's one the strongest romantic feelings I've ever had towards anyone, even my wife. I don't know if it's real feelings or if it's just sin and my flesh is watering at the mouth. This woman is a good bit younger, very attractive, easy to talk to, smart, funny and the list goes on. We have so many things in common and share so many interests it's scary. I know and have explained to her though, until the day comes where I'm no longer in this covenant with God, and it's not my fault, there's no way we can have a Godly relationship and she acknowledges and agrees. But even knowing and believing this, my feelings are still intense towards her. Why? How? Just a thought of her puts me in a better mood and makes me smile. I fight it everyday, thoughts about her, hearing her voice in my head, etc;. I created the initial thread on July 5th, 2018. Since then I have spoken to this woman on and off as I see her in the office but always around coworkers and never alone. I'll admit thought I've texted her a few times here and there but nothing like we were prior to this as it was daily before. Even when I go days without seeing her or talking to her at all, she's all I can think about and I miss her so bad. Why? I honestly feel like, if I were to spend much more time with her, around her, talking to her, I could easily fall in love with her. I want to make sure I say this to. The fact that I actually want to be with her scares me.

So my questions are, are these feelings real feelings or are these feelings fed by sin only? I ask this because, she's single and she feels the same as I do.

Is there anything I can do to get rid of these feelings?

How do I move forward knowing I can't have a Godly relationship with her but yet still have intense feelings for her, want to be with her, and can't seem to get her out of my mind/thoughts/dreams, etc; ??

I want to thank everyone in advance for taking the time to read my post and respond.

Your situation is sad and I will be blunt with you as James clearly speaks in chapter 1 Blessed is the man who endures temptation; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him. 13 Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am tempted by God”; for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He Himself tempt anyone. 14 But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. 15 Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death. You have planted that seed for the other woman and you have sinned in giving the place of desire to another woman. You sin is not full grown but is getting their. You see the clear path and the temptation is getting stronger. You should remember if you eye causes you to sin pluck it out... this is not literal but you need to cut off the other girl immediately. The path you are on could lead to divorce and unfaithfulness and it can have a generational effect. You need to find a strong brother in the LORD who will pray with you and hold you accountable.

 

[EastCoastRemnant]

Nobody talks much about it but one of the keys to success in a long term relationship is to know it will change in structure, dynamic and intensity both up and down. We are sold that "romantic love" is the only love shtick so when our longer term relationships start evolving as they naturally will, we think something is wrong.... and sometimes, as in your case, we try and find that "spark" to reconnect with that infatuation stage. Satan will more than willingly put what he knows your heart desires right in front of you. God allows him to do this so He can see who your loyalty is to. This more than just about you and your marriage, temptation is a continual referendum on your love and faithfulness to God.

If you don't love God with all your heart, then the rest is kinda pointless...

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

Jesus measures our love for Him by the measure of how we, as married men, love our wives. If you love your wife less than some marriage-destroying floozie who flutters her eyelids at you, then Jesus would determine that you love that floozie more than you love Him. I wonder if there will be married men who got so involved in Christian work that they neglected their wives and families, and who will stand before God saying, "Lord, Lord" and He will say, "I never knew you. You loved Christian work more than you loved your wife and family, and therefore you did not truly love me. Therefore depart from Me, you workers of iniquity."

 

[vinsight4u]

text something nice to your wife instead

 

[JoeP222w]

I had to create a new thread because my initial one was locked due to some off topic discussion. This is my initial thread I'm referring to:

Married man but having feelings for another woman

Anyway, I'm not sure how to even start this thread, but I'll start by asking for your continuous prayers as I'm still struggling bad. I was going to private message a few of the ones who responded and ask for advice directly instead of starting a new thread but I wasn't able to figure it out so here I am again. I've went back and read over and over all of the great advice and comments from my brothers/sisters in Christ and if it wasn't for your comments/advice, I'd probably already be in a very bad position with this other woman so thank you all for that and for God for His strength but it's still very hard today.

I'm here again because I would like to elaborate more on what I'm going through and feeling and ask for further explanation and advice. I'm not trying to justify anything or rationalize anything so I can be with this woman, I know what is wrong and what is right. Since my last thread, I have had detailed, lengthy conversations with my wife about our marriage, this woman and all of our shortcomings and even what all I have to do going forward and things have been getting better in the marriage. I want to explain a few things that I've been battling before I go into details. I don't know how to really explain this but I'll do my best. My wife and I have been together for 15 years total, 10 of which have been in marriage. I don't really recall how I felt 15 years ago so I can't elaborate on that however today I can tell you that after us talking about everything meaning our current marriage, this new woman and what I'm going through, we both agreed that we've been apart a while physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc;. We also have both agreed that we're not "in love" with each other however we did love each other and that we need to fall back in love like we were 10-15 years ago. I believe this in itself is partially to blame for me being in a position where I could even be tempted with another woman. After much prayer, regardless of whether my wife and I were in love or not, I feel like the reason this situation happened is because first and foremost, I haven't loved my wife as Christ loves the church. I've been just doing the typical husband thing as in working, taking care of everything outside and helping on the inside when I can. I do everything I can where I can however I can say I haven't done the best I can do in every category so to speak such as communication, helping cook, wash dishes, etc;. Next is because my wife and I haven't been "close" and "in love" in a long time and add in a 19 month old and it makes us even farther apart emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc; because everything is now focused on the baby. We've been together for 15 years total and neither one of us has been tempted or faced anything like what I am going through right now.

The other main reason I'm back is what I'm feeling today. The feelings I still have for this woman are so intense it scares me. It's one the strongest romantic feelings I've ever had towards anyone, even my wife. I don't know if it's real feelings or if it's just sin and my flesh is watering at the mouth. This woman is a good bit younger, very attractive, easy to talk to, smart, funny and the list goes on. We have so many things in common and share so many interests it's scary. I know and have explained to her though, until the day comes where I'm no longer in this covenant with God, and it's not my fault, there's no way we can have a Godly relationship and she acknowledges and agrees. But even knowing and believing this, my feelings are still intense towards her. Why? How? Just a thought of her puts me in a better mood and makes me smile. I fight it everyday, thoughts about her, hearing her voice in my head, etc;. I created the initial thread on July 5th, 2018. Since then I have spoken to this woman on and off as I see her in the office but always around coworkers and never alone. I'll admit thought I've texted her a few times here and there but nothing like we were prior to this as it was daily before. Even when I go days without seeing her or talking to her at all, she's all I can think about and I miss her so bad. Why? I honestly feel like, if I were to spend much more time with her, around her, talking to her, I could easily fall in love with her. I want to make sure I say this to. The fact that I actually want to be with her scares me.

So my questions are, are these feelings real feelings or are these feelings fed by sin only? I ask this because, she's single and she feels the same as I do.

Is there anything I can do to get rid of these feelings?

How do I move forward knowing I can't have a Godly relationship with her but yet still have intense feelings for her, want to be with her, and can't seem to get her out of my mind/thoughts/dreams, etc; ??

I want to thank everyone in advance for taking the time to read my post and respond.

"Falling in love" is not a Biblical concept. Jesus loves the most unlovely ones who ever walked the earth, He loved rebel sinners who were His enemy. Jesus' love is a perfecting and holy love. Jesus' love is not a warm fuzzy where your heart beats faster and your face flushes. It is love that is pure, holy, self-sacrificing and edifying. It is not self seeking, it is not based in feelings and emotions.


Friend, it appears that you are lusting after this woman who is not your wife. You need to repent, you need to break any and all ties with this woman (no more conversations, no more texts, nothing). You need to find a new job as soon as possible, if this woman is in your work environment. It would appear because you have so little ability to control your thoughts in her presence, there is no way to have a "Godly" relationship with her.

Matthew 5:27-30 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ (28) But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. (29) If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. (30) And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.


You need to seek biblical counseling with your wife and you need to come completely clean with your wife. You need to ask for her forgiveness for your unfaithfulness. You need to speak to your Pastor and/or Elders about the situation and ask for their prayers and help. You even need to come under church discipline if needed.

God never tells us to see how close we can get to sin without sinning. He commands us to flee from sin and temptation. Not play with it as if it is some shiny toy. God is holy and good and that should terrify you if you are giving wink to your sin. How serious does God consider sin? He sent His only begotten Son to die for you.

If you continue in a habitual pattern of sin, the Bible grants you no assurance that your have eternal life. But if you turn from sin, being radical in how you remove sin from your life, God is faithful to forgive and grant you a pure heart. Cry out to Him and turn to Him. Stop playing with fire, you will get burned.

 

[SkyWriting]

So my questions are, are these feelings real feelings or are these feelings fed by sin only? I ask this because, she's single and she feels the same as I do.

I have very strong feeling for another mans wife.
The times we were together were amazing.
So I never communicate with her. That works best
to eliminate comparisons with my wife.

 

[LoricaLady]

"There is pleasure in sin for a season and then comes the judgment." You don't want to face that kind of judgment.

It starts in the head. "Be transformed by the renewing of your mind." You say you can't get her out of your mind, but yes, with practice you can. It might take a month It might take longer, but you can train yourself to think of other things when thoughts of her intrude. As long as you choose to enjoy those thoughts, though, you will not succeed at all. It's a choice.

Remember that our Savior said that if anyone lusts after a woman in his heart then that person has already committed adultery. it is hard to be infatuated with someone and not have some lustful thoughts.

Pray to be able to train your mind to turn to other thoughts than of that woman.
If you get your mind on other things every time she pops into your head, even if it is pretty much constantly as you say, like on prayers, like on ways to show love to your wife and child, on politics, solving mental puzzles, anything else - then you will have won this battle and satan will have lost it.

 

[Hazelelponi]

Resist the devil and he will flee from you. JAMES 4:7

the first portion of that verse is Submit to God.

What you need to do, is tell the woman your lusting after to get lost. Don't know how you know her but avoid her. If you met her at work get to finding another job, change your phone number, stop visiting the internet site you talk with her on.. whatever.

Cut all ties with her and do it permanently.

After that occupy your mind. Read a book, engage in a hobby, do something that is not sitting around fantasizing about a woman your not married to.

Before long you'll realize exactly what she was.. nothing more than a cheap fantasy sent by Satan to destroy you.. Greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world. Don't let the lesser thing destroy you.

Next... love is not lust. It's not a "feeling". It's something based in mutual trust, appreciation and admiration of the other, which takes time to develop. It doesn't happen in a month or even a year, it happens when the other can be counted on to nurse you back to health when illness strikes, to give a kind word when you need it, to eat ramen with a smile when its all you can provide, among a multitude of other such things.. that is love..

Every marriage has is downtimes.. no ones is all high notes. If your wife isn't worth fighting for how can you say God should fight for you? Shouldn't you consider how you would want God to treat you? Would you like God to throw you away when you bore him?

 

[Persis]

BoBoMan, I am so sorry, it is good you came here to confess.. It sounds like you are in mental and emotional torment. Somewhere along the line.. you compromised, and opened that door just a crack, and every time you compromise and think it's just a little bit, no harm.. it is actually the devil lying to you. It sounds like you could be super close to the edge of a cliff. Your flesh is screaming and you are losing control. Anymore fantasizing will get you to a place of having to act it out. A lot will depend on the woman.. how she views you (which may not be how you view her). and if she is married, or not.

Regardless, I wouldn't wait to know. You need to do something right now - ASAP -- don't wait.

I'm not sure what is the best. I'm not sure if getting another job is feasible, as jobs are hard to come by these days. You could go for Christian counselling, maybe with your wife, as well. Maybe in a group marriage class at Church. You could find somebody, a buddy, who also holds you accountable. But No.1 is drawing ever closer to God. You cannot do this without Him.

Here are some really good understandable principles on how to deal with lust:

Just some food for thought.. The grass always looks greener and fresher and more exciting on the other side, but you know what..it will need to be mowed, too. So stop listening to the lies!

I wish you all the best. I know you and God can do it!

Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

 

[BoBoMan]

Thank you all for taking the time to read my situation and respond. I understand and believe what you're all saying especially the part about me needing to run the other way. It's very difficult, especially feeling the way I do about this other woman and knowing the situation with my wife. I want to do what is right and Holy regardless of emotions or the way I feel, which is why I'm here crying out for help.

I can't remember if I have mentioned this or not so I do want to elaborate on a few things that I've been battling as I've been watching the replies and praying about this situation. Since my wife and I have been together, even while we were dating, she's always battled a temper/attitude problem and how she talks to me and others as in her tone. I went through a lot of physical and emotional abuse as a child and over time being with her has caused me anxiety and at times depression which I take medicine for as needed. I think I did mention this in the initial thread. When we married, I was not saved and treated her badly meaning I cussed at her and talked down to her, etc;. It wasn't until I got saved that this stopped. It hasn't been an issue since. I say that to say this, she has not changed at all with her temper/attitude problem and how she talks to me, and now our daughter and other people. I view it as psychological abuse as it makes me feel like I did when I was a child getting screamed at all the time.

I wanted to mention this, not to rationalize a way out of the marriage, but to provide a glimpse of why it's so difficult for me to actually want to fight for my marriage when she talks to me like I'm nothing a lot of the time, regardless of how I treat her or what I do for her. This in itself has been a battle for a long time and is now even more difficult. I guess what I'm saying is, feeling the way I feel for this other woman has really highlighted the problems I've been battling before this situation was created with her.

I know and believe that it's going to take God's divine strength for me to be able to have the desire to really focus and stay focused on my marriage and to love my wife as Christ loves the church. What I can't stop thinking about is, how hard it is to do this for someone who talks to you like dirt and makes you feel like crap a lot of the times no matter how hard I try and what all I do for her.

 

[Persis]

Thank you all for taking the time to read my situation and respond. I understand and believe what you're all saying especially the part about me needing to run the other way. It's very difficult, especially feeling the way I do about this other woman and knowing the situation with my wife. I want to do what is right and Holy regardless of emotions or the way I feel, which is why I'm here crying out for help.

I can't remember if I have mentioned this or not so I do want to elaborate on a few things that I've been battling as I've been watching the replies and praying about this situation. Since my wife and I have been together, even while we were dating, she's always battled a temper/attitude problem and how she talks to me and others as in her tone. I went through a lot of physical and emotional abuse a child and over time being with her has caused me anxiety and at times depression which I take medicine for as needed. I think I did mention this in the initial thread. When we married, I was not saved and treated her badly meaning I cussed at her and talked down to her, etc;. It wasn't until I got saved that this stopped. It hasn't been an issue since. I say that to say this, she has not changed at all with her temper/attitude problem and how she talks to me, and now our daughter and other people. I view it as psychological abuse as it makes me feel like I did when I was a child getting screamed at all the time.

I wanted to mention this, not to rationalize a way out of the marriage, but to provide a glimpse of why it's so difficult for me to actually want to fight for my marriage when she talks to me like I'm nothing a lot of the time, regardless of how I treat her or what I do for her. This in itself has been a battle for a long time and is now even more difficult. I guess what I'm saying is, feeling the way I feel for this other woman has really highlighted the problems I've been battling before this situation was created with her.

I know and believe that it's going to take God's divine strength for me to be able to have the desire to really focus and stay focused on my marriage and to love my wife as Christ loves the church. What I can't stop thinking about is, how hard it is to do this for someone who talks to you like dirt and makes you feel like crap a lot of the times no matter how hard I try and what all I do for her.

So you are a believer and she is not. . is that correct? Have you ever sat down with her and told her what you said here, and if so, what did she say ?

 

[BoBoMan]

So you are a believer and she is not. . is that correct? Have you ever sat down with her and told her what you said here, and if so, what did she say ?

No, she has been a professing believer since I've known her. I have not. I was saved about 2 years after we married. About a week ago, I sat her down and explained to her everything I was feeling, from the verbal abuse, to the problems with the marriage, and the feelings for this other woman. She responded to the verbal abuse by agreeing with me that it has to stop but that's it. This has been said numerous times throughout our relationship with no change. Her response to the feelings for this other woman was that I need you to stay away from her and don't be in a situation where you're alone with her.

 

[LoricaLady]

Well it is admirable that you are trying to do the right thing and looking for ideas in that regard. I know how you feel about having an abusive person in your family, though I don't have to live with mine. Even then it is very stressful.

It is also admirable that you told you wife about that woman

Now, having learned more, it seems to me, the biggest problem is not the other woman but the verbal abuse of your wife.

One thing I wonder is if you control the finances. If I were a man and in control of the finances, to any significant extent, I would put my wife on a behavior modification system. If you both work and you make more than she does, she probably is using "your"money for luxuries. Give her cash for groceries, threaten to cancel credit cards if you can do so, and do that if you need to, as long as the "mean mouth" continues.

Actually it wouldn't have to be just about money. It could be that and/or about what chores you do, whether you go with her to certain events, whatever. I would put up a big paper, with a chart, somewhere. There would be pluses and minuses each day - or something along those lines. Each time something mean was said that would be a minus and I would actually write it down on the paper, so that the words were coming back to bite, not just a kind of hit and run thing and easily forgotten by the attacker.
Naturally you will get resistance. But she can't make you give her extra money, or take her to certain places, or whatever. You really can be far more in control than you realize.

I would say "You want this and that out of me. Fine. I want something out of you, too. I want you to stop the verbal abuse and treat me with respect. If you don't, let the garbage pile up by the door, you do the grocery shopping, you cut the grass - whatever. I'm tired of the abuse and I'm not going to make your life easier while you make mine so unpleasant." Just don't put up with it anymore.

Then stick to what you said you would do no matter how much she hollers or complains - and ignore all histrionics, even just walk away whistling or humming a cheerful tune. And be matter of fact, even pleasant, about it all. Give it at least a month. If it works, and she relapses, which seems likely, go back on the system. Now she will probably complain to friends and relatives who will maybe sympathize with her. But chances are excellent that they know darned well she is abusive, so don't worry about them. They can mind their own business. And you can gently, but firmly, tell them that if they try to interfere.

I would be very surprised if a pastor or even a counselor would change the behavior of someone who is that deep, and long term, into hostile interactions with others, personally. I would expect that, as before, you would get admissions of guilt, promises and maybe tears, then more of the same sooner or later.

Well, I'm rambling on. That's mho. I pray you will find the solution that is right for you