Rape when I was younger

[louise28]

What you did to me

You are a horrible person yet you think you were and are gods gift to woman. You used me you lied to me and you messed with my head. I hate what you did to me.
I was just 17, a virgin. I just wanted you to like me. I thought you were so cute and so did every other girl. You smiled at me and talked to me. You asked if I'd sit by you in Sunday school, I said sure.
You called me and invited me to the mall to hangout then to your house. You called and we talked night after night on the phone until the early morning hours. You called me from the stake center during a fireside inviting me to come. My mom drove me there and dropped me off. I went in the church and found you. You took me into the parking lot to talk. You took me in the bushes and started to kiss me. You pushed me into the bushes lifted up my dress and penetrated me with out me knowing what was happening. I had no idea you were about to have sex with me. I said stop you didn't. Blood was everywhere. All over my dress and running down my leg. I was shaking. You zip your pants and went in the church. I said I needed to stay outside. You left me there. I got a ride home and went straight to my room. I didn't cry I was frozen. I had no idea how that happened. I called my friend and told her what happened. I was scared. I was scared of him.

 

[Poppyseed78]

I'm so sorry. I'm praying that God grants you peace and healing. I also encourage you to seek counseling for what happened.

 

[Jeshu]

Praying you can give the bad life forced upon you to Jesus and await His good life back in return.

Could you talk with your parents or someone trusted in authority in Church about this? Or is that out of the question? I advise you to expose this person as to how he is towards girls for he will certainly make more victims if he is not stopped. However before you do that ask Jesus to give you the ability to forgive him for otherwise things are just put in reverse where he brought bad life to you and now you bring bad life in return to him. This is a very painful path to follow though I agree this person ought to be held accountable for his deeds.

To charge or not to charge him with rape is between you and Jesus, but please don't let this wolf in sheep clothing roam free with the innocent. He needs to be exposed as someone who is unsafe with girls in his current state and needs to be liberated by Jesus from the sexual sin living in him.

 

[MustardSeeed]

I am really sorry that happened to you! God bless you and I will pray for you

 

[chaoticfirefly]

How old are you now? Where do you live? If it hasn't been that long ago, you may still be in the limitations and can report him to the police.

When it comes to crimes like that, go to the police.

If nothing else, there's a legal documentation and cops can act on it more if someone else reports him.

and see a therapist too. not a church councilor, a therapist. They're trained to help with situations of rape and PTSD. RAINN is a good organization too.

 

[ripple the car]

It hurts..... How many other people know that this happened to you? Were you able to eventually tell your family?

 

[louise28]

My friend reported it to church authority's. They talked to him and just let it go. I didn't want my parents finding out. I had a horrible teenage life and I couldn't go to them. They were very verbally abusive. It's to late to go to the police now. I wish I would've but I was too shy and scared back then. I'm sure he's done this to more girls and I probably wasn't the first. When you're a person like he is you can talk your way out of anything and people believe you. I'm older now with children but the past haunts me to this day. I've talked to a therapist but nothing has brought me closure. I thought maybe if I wrote about it I could get rid of the pain somehow.

 

[louise28]

Some days it's to much to bear. I try and block it out but it haunts me in my sleep.
He deneyed it. He said I wanted it. He said I didn't say no. He played they victim. Everyone found out. Because I was quiet I was blamed or accused of lying. He said I ruined his reputation he said I make him look bad. I left the area. I moved away from my life, my family and friends. My life was ruined. I got married and started a family. But I'm depressed. I can't seem to be happy. Some days I don't want to live. I try and cope. My husband is very understanding but he doesn't understand why I can't heal. I can't understand either. Why won't this go away? Am I crazy??

 

[ripple the car]

My friend reported it to church authority's. They talked to him and just let it go. I didn't want my parents finding out. I had a horrible teenage life and I couldn't go to them. They were very verbally abusive. It's to late to go to the police now. I wish I would've but I was too shy and scared back then. I'm sure he's done this to more girls and I probably wasn't the first. When you're a person like he is you can talk your way out of anything and people believe you. I'm older now with children but the past haunts me to this day. I've talked to a therapist but nothing has brought me closure. I thought maybe if I wrote about it I could get rid of the pain somehow.

I can tell you that aspects of what you have been through will always hurt you. It'll be there. It'll colour parts of your life, but it need not paralize you. For many, praying for the grace to begin to forgive the attacker is a crucial step in healing.

Forgiving someone who has raped or abused us does not mean that what they did was ok. It does not mean that God is ok with what they did, either. Yes, they will face justice and punishment for their awful actions. But praying for the grace to forgive them essentially unburdens us from the weight of hatred, anger, sorrow, revulsion, and grief that can make life unbearable.

Give your pain to Jesus. He was also in His own way, abused and spitefully misused by men.

 

[Jeshu]

Some days it's to much to bear. I try and block it out but it haunts me in my sleep.
He deneyed it. He said I wanted it. He said I didn't say no. He played they victim. Everyone found out. Because I was quiet I was blamed or accused of lying. He said I ruined his reputation he said I make him look bad. I left the area. I moved away from my life, my family and friends. My life was ruined. I got married and started a family. But I'm depressed. I can't seem to be happy. Some days I don't want to live. I try and cope. My husband is very understanding but he doesn't understand why I can't heal. I can't understand either. Why won't this go away? Am I crazy??

No you are not crazy but you are infected by the bad life this boy forced on you. Like was pointed out before, forgiveness is the first step to healing in your heart. This is because when you forgive then you let God's love into the part of you that was misused and hurt by bad life and God's love will begin to undo the damage caused by this bad life.

It is essential that you bring all the bad life in you to Jesus to rebuild into good life. This is a big process, especially if many years have past since the bad event occurred - for festering wounds produce much push. It is a heart job for the bad life forced upon you is in you so when you see the vultures within you then you know that the dead need to be buried there and the place marked as a grave(yard). You know Jesus is finished when what brought forth bad life within before now brings forth good life instead. An awesome reality to be if you have suffered much there before, let me assure you!

In case you wonder I have been sexually assaulted and almost got murdered when I was a kid and ended up with P.T.S.D, which in my life is made up of bouts of unexplainable anxiety, severe depression and uncontrollable rage. The bad life these three young men put into me that day basically split me in two that is how severely it impacted on me at the time.

It took me years to understand why I stressed so much and so easily and why those severe bouts of anxiety would drive me in panic attack after panic attack and why I was feeling so down and tired all the time. However I had concealed the whole event - even from my parents and my wife and hid the bad life hurting me like hell out of shame and guilt that such would be in me. The problem was bad life consumed me and I was ill all the time and often unable to function properly. However when the bubble burst and all the bad life oozed out and made a mess of my life (and my family,) then I had no choice but deal with my bad life.

Good counseling. Good meds and lots of loving to death of bad life within, is the best recipe to get over the bad life hurting you so badly all the time.

God bless you with much love and goodwill to get this sorted.

 

[Tempura]

It's a horrible thing. I once dated someone, a few people in fact, with similar experiences to yours. Turns out I'm co-dependent and so were they, so we attracted each other. But about these people. They got better in time, though they too thought it would never end. I guess they went through the trauma long enough, and realized that they couldn't get justice and slowly but surely started to concentrate in what they have and what they can do to others, instead of tormenting themselves with what they couldn't do to help themselves or how they didn't get justice. Please don't take this the wrong way, as if I'm saying that justice doesn't mean anything. I'm not saying that. It's weird, because I was obsessed with "getting justice" on their behalf. I regularly fantasized of hurting and even killing those who had hurt those people I loved and who were clearly suffering. I often couldn't even sleep because of my rage, and I can only imagine how they felt. Often they felt guilt and impotent, desperate anger with nothing real to do with it. So it was consuming, and I'm sure I don't need to tell you more about this because you already know.

But they got better. They had to learn a lot about themselves in the process. And in a way, they let the burden go. It took time, some treatment, and I believe both found God. But they let the burden go, because eventually they were ready for that.

I'd still recommend therapy. My reasons for going to therapy were different, but I think one thing applies to everything regarding it: it's a commitment. Sometimes the therapists aren't good, but more often than not, we ourselves aren't ready and we're impatient. We're not prepared for long-term healing and processing, because we don't believe in it (or we don't believe such things are for us) and we're much more inclined to desperation in bursts. But try again. And again, if you have to.

What you've been through will not define you. Said a prayer for you, hoping for God to guide you and ease your burden. Take your time. I'm sure many people here can relate to what you're saying, and many of them having personal experience about these things. God bless.

 

[chaoticfirefly]

Some days it's to much to bear. I try and block it out but it haunts me in my sleep.
He deneyed it. He said I wanted it. He said I didn't say no. He played they victim. Everyone found out. Because I was quiet I was blamed or accused of lying. He said I ruined his reputation he said I make him look bad. I left the area. I moved away from my life, my family and friends. My life was ruined. I got married and started a family. But I'm depressed. I can't seem to be happy. Some days I don't want to live. I try and cope. My husband is very understanding but he doesn't understand why I can't heal. I can't understand either. Why won't this go away? Am I crazy??

It won't go away until you've processed it and started healing. Starting therapy is a good resource, if you're in the US, there are group therapies for rape and incest victims.

You're not crazy.

I've been there. I was raped. It's a long and on going battle.

 

[Newsgurl]

I was molested when I was 10, and though I've forgiven the person that did this to me I still can't get that memory out of my head. Rape is very traumatizing no matter what you do you can't get that memory out of your head. I would speak more about it to others, maybe like to some teenage girls somewhere so they won't have this happen to them if they're in this situation. I still shake when I get near the person that molested me and the thought of seeing him every day scares me. You can overcome this just look all of what you've accomplished in your life. You can get through this just keep talking to someone you trust and maybe you can find a way to cope with this traumatizing memory. I'll pray for you.