The stages of a musician's life:
Who is name?
Get me name.
Get me someone who sounds like name.
Get me a young name.
Who is name?
A family of three tomatoes are walking down the street. BABY
Tomato starts lagging behind. So father tomato turns around and
goes back, stomps him into red paste and says, "KETCHUP!"
"Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache."
"He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty double crosser."
"Man who tell one to many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"
"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."
"Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed."
"Man who drive like h3ll bound to get there!"
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"
"Man who sit on tack get point!"
"Man who runs behind car gets exhausted!"
"War not determine who's right, war determines who's left."
A lovely young couple is doing some shopping in town. Having purchased everything they need, they return to the parking lot to drive home. Where's the car? Good golly, someone has stolen it!
They notify the police from a phone booth inside the mall and make a report at the Police station. A young detective drives them back to see if any evidence remains from the scene of the crime. But, what do you know, there is the stolen car, back in the exact spot! A note is on the windshield with two tickets to a concert attached. The note thanks the young couple for the use of their car, but the culprit's wife was about to give birth and had to be rushed to the hospital. The young couple's faith in humanity is restored and they go to the concert and have a wonderful time.
They arrive home late that night to find their entire house robbed, with a note on the door reading, "Well, I gotta put the kid through college, don't I?"
-------
* RETIREMENT FROM A CHILD'S POINT OF VIEW
One year after Spring Break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holidays. One small child wrote the following:
We always used to spend holidays with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick home, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They all live in little tin boxes. They ride on big three-wheeled tricycles and they all have name tags because they don't know who they are. They go to a big building called a wrecked hall, but they must have got it fixed, because it's all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very good. There is a swimming pool there, but they stand in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.
As you go into their park, there is a doll house with a little man in it. He watches all day so they can't get out without him seeing them. When they can sneak out, they go to the beach and pick up shells.
My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks, they just eat out. They eat the same thing every night: early birds. Some of the people don't know how to cook at all, so my Grandma and Grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall and they call it "pot luck."
My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life and earned his retardedment. I wish they would move back up here, but I guess the little man in the doll house won't let them out!
A girl had been dating a very wealthy boy for a few months and suddenly discovered she was pregnant. She tearfully broke the news to her father, who immediately confronted the father of the boy.
"Now, now, don't get excited," the millionaire told the girl's father. "I'm certainly going to do the right thing by your daughter. If the child is a boy, I'll give him one hundred thousand dollars and if it's a girl, seventyfive thousand dollars. Isn't that fair enough?"
"And if she should have a miscarriage," asked the girl's father, "will you give her another chance?"
A travelling salesman was about to check in at a hotel when he oticed a very charming bit of feminity giving him the so-called "glad eye". In a causal manner he walked over and spoke to her as though he had known her all his life. Both walked back to the desk and registered as Mr. and Mrs.
After a three-day stay he walked up to the desk and informed the clerk that he was checking out. The clerk presented him with his bill for $ 1600.
"There is a mistake here," he protested. "I have been here only three days."
"Yes," replied the clerk, "but your wife has been here a month."
A man got on a bus with at least ten small kids. A curios old biddy asked him if they were all his.
"Of course not," he snapped, "I am a contraceptive salesman, and these are all complaints."
A distinguished senior citizen was to present the annual scholarship awards. Arriving at the school, he was apalled at the appearance of the students in attendance. "You can't tell a boy from a girl anymore," he complained to one of the professors. "Look at that one," he groaned, "What is it?"
"It's a girl," snapped a bystander, "and she happens to be my daughter."
"I'm sorry, madam," came the quick reply, "I didn't know you were her mother."
"I'm not," was the response, "I'm her father."
I had parked my car in the supermarket parking lot and was walking past an empty cart when I heard a female voice say, "Mister, are you using that cart?"
"No," I answered. "I'm only after one thing."
As I walked toward the store, I heard her murmur, "Typical male."
Who is name?
Get me name.
Get me someone who sounds like name.
Get me a young name.
Who is name?
A family of three tomatoes are walking down the street. BABY
Tomato starts lagging behind. So father tomato turns around and
goes back, stomps him into red paste and says, "KETCHUP!"
"Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache."
"He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty double crosser."
"Man who tell one to many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"
"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."
"Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed."
"Man who drive like h3ll bound to get there!"
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"
"Man who sit on tack get point!"
"Man who runs behind car gets exhausted!"
"War not determine who's right, war determines who's left."
A lovely young couple is doing some shopping in town. Having purchased everything they need, they return to the parking lot to drive home. Where's the car? Good golly, someone has stolen it!
They notify the police from a phone booth inside the mall and make a report at the Police station. A young detective drives them back to see if any evidence remains from the scene of the crime. But, what do you know, there is the stolen car, back in the exact spot! A note is on the windshield with two tickets to a concert attached. The note thanks the young couple for the use of their car, but the culprit's wife was about to give birth and had to be rushed to the hospital. The young couple's faith in humanity is restored and they go to the concert and have a wonderful time.
They arrive home late that night to find their entire house robbed, with a note on the door reading, "Well, I gotta put the kid through college, don't I?"
-------
* RETIREMENT FROM A CHILD'S POINT OF VIEW
One year after Spring Break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holidays. One small child wrote the following:
We always used to spend holidays with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick home, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They all live in little tin boxes. They ride on big three-wheeled tricycles and they all have name tags because they don't know who they are. They go to a big building called a wrecked hall, but they must have got it fixed, because it's all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very good. There is a swimming pool there, but they stand in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.
As you go into their park, there is a doll house with a little man in it. He watches all day so they can't get out without him seeing them. When they can sneak out, they go to the beach and pick up shells.
My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks, they just eat out. They eat the same thing every night: early birds. Some of the people don't know how to cook at all, so my Grandma and Grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall and they call it "pot luck."
My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life and earned his retardedment. I wish they would move back up here, but I guess the little man in the doll house won't let them out!
A girl had been dating a very wealthy boy for a few months and suddenly discovered she was pregnant. She tearfully broke the news to her father, who immediately confronted the father of the boy.
"Now, now, don't get excited," the millionaire told the girl's father. "I'm certainly going to do the right thing by your daughter. If the child is a boy, I'll give him one hundred thousand dollars and if it's a girl, seventyfive thousand dollars. Isn't that fair enough?"
"And if she should have a miscarriage," asked the girl's father, "will you give her another chance?"
A travelling salesman was about to check in at a hotel when he oticed a very charming bit of feminity giving him the so-called "glad eye". In a causal manner he walked over and spoke to her as though he had known her all his life. Both walked back to the desk and registered as Mr. and Mrs.
After a three-day stay he walked up to the desk and informed the clerk that he was checking out. The clerk presented him with his bill for $ 1600.
"There is a mistake here," he protested. "I have been here only three days."
"Yes," replied the clerk, "but your wife has been here a month."
A man got on a bus with at least ten small kids. A curios old biddy asked him if they were all his.
"Of course not," he snapped, "I am a contraceptive salesman, and these are all complaints."
A distinguished senior citizen was to present the annual scholarship awards. Arriving at the school, he was apalled at the appearance of the students in attendance. "You can't tell a boy from a girl anymore," he complained to one of the professors. "Look at that one," he groaned, "What is it?"
"It's a girl," snapped a bystander, "and she happens to be my daughter."
"I'm sorry, madam," came the quick reply, "I didn't know you were her mother."
"I'm not," was the response, "I'm her father."
I had parked my car in the supermarket parking lot and was walking past an empty cart when I heard a female voice say, "Mister, are you using that cart?"
"No," I answered. "I'm only after one thing."
As I walked toward the store, I heard her murmur, "Typical male."
