The old school mentality was to raise kids right so they turned out right. This often meant the occasional beating, grounding, and scolding. Today it seems many parents opt to try and be friends with their children or try to justify themselves to their children. Which is better or is it none of the above?
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CF has always been a site that welcomes people from different backgrounds and beliefs to participate in discussion and even debate. That is the nature of its ministry. In view of recent events emotions are running very high. We need to remind people of some basic principles in debating on this site. We need to be civil when we express differences in opinion. No personal attacks. Avoid you, your statements. Don't characterize an entire political party with comparisons to Fascism or Communism or other extreme movements that committed atrocities. CF is not the place for broad brush or blanket statements about groups and political parties. Put the broad brushes and blankets away when you come to CF, better yet, put them in the incinerator. Debate had no place for them. We need to remember that people that commit acts of violence represent themselves or a small extreme faction.
Raising children...
- Thread starter desi
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BeanMak
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As you can tell, from my age, I was raised back in the day. I was NEVER beaten. I don't remember being grounded, and was scolded when I deserved it. I am a successful, lawabiding citizen. I knew my parents loved and trusted me. And I knew where they stood on decisions that I had to make.
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pmcleanj
Lord Jesus, have mercy on me, a sinner
Probably neither.desi said:
Beatings are certainly contra-indicated. Beaten kids who "turned out right" did so in spite of being beaten, not because of being beaten. Groundings and scoldings, depending on what you mean by these terms, are similar symptoms of authoritarian parenting. The authoritarian parent rules by his "rights as a parent" -- drawing a distinction between himself and his children that puts them in two different classes. He is unavailable as a mentor and confidante, because he has separated himself and limited the intimacy that the roles or mentor and confidante depend upon.
Justifying yourself to your children is also contra-indicated. Children are in the process of learning the high concepts of compassion, justice, and forgiveness. Asking our children to provide us with these reassurances, while they are still weak and dependent, is emotionally abusive. Our role as parents is to provide emotional security for them, not to expect them to provide it for us. Looking to our children for our emotional self-worth is a symptom of permissive or exploitative parenting.
In between is the happy medium of authoritative parent. The authoritative parent finds her self-worth in herself, and then models it to her children. She disciplines her children, but as a coach and partner in the great work of growing up, rather than as a despotic ruler. In place of grounding or scolding, she may encourage them to limit themselves, choose stories and illustrations that help them make right choices, allow natural consequences for their bad choices, and persistently refuse to enable other bad choices.
The accusation that permissive parents are trying to be their children's friends always smacks to me of a low understanding of friendship. Friendship is one of the three great relationships available to humans -- the others being worship and marriage. A friend loves and values you, teaches and learns from you, keeps faith with you, encourages you, leans upon you, turns to you when they are tempted and calls you back when you are tempted. Certainly this is exactly what we should seek to be to our children! What we do not want to be, is a peer. My children are, after all, decades younger than me. If I were to seek to act as a "peer" of an eight or eleven-year-old, I would be acting peurile. For them, it is appropriate. But great friendships can exist across generations without one party having to act beneath their dignity, or the other to act above their age-level. Friendship is able to accept such differences. The coach/athlete relationship is strengthened when it is also a friendship, as is the teacher/student relationship. Why should the parent/child relationship not also be enriched by friendship?
Hi, my name is Pamela, and I'm my children's Mother. And their friend.
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alaskamolly
Queen of the Tundra
Love is the true balance, because love involves both being a 'lamb' and a 'lion.'
That is what God is--we see that in Jesus, the Lamb of God AND the Lion of the tribe of Judah. I think that's a perfect recipe for parenting: We are playful, fun, cuddly, and gentle... and we are also in authority and have the power to back it up.
But maybe it's better to put it like Josh McDowell did:
"You can't have rules without relationship."
When you try to have one without the other, you get rebellion.
Blessings,
Molly
That is what God is--we see that in Jesus, the Lamb of God AND the Lion of the tribe of Judah. I think that's a perfect recipe for parenting: We are playful, fun, cuddly, and gentle... and we are also in authority and have the power to back it up.
But maybe it's better to put it like Josh McDowell did:
"You can't have rules without relationship."
When you try to have one without the other, you get rebellion.
Blessings,
Molly
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Thanks for the replies. I appreciate you sharing your perspectives on parenting. This topic came up as I was pondering parenting styles among generations and how children turned out.
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