Rage and Sorrow

[tarnished silver]

For years I've had mild deppression, but in the last year it's changed. Instead of being down on myself, I'm down on God. At first I felt like all the promises in scripture were true for everyone but me, like God's there for others but not me. It's more complicated than that, but basically, I don't trust God to be there for me when I really need him.
I know all the usual responses, things like "you just have to choose to believe that God is there", "Have faith that God's promises are true", "trust scripture instead of your feelings", " just repent of your sins and return to God's presence", and things like that. I know I need help, I feel like I'm sinking into a black pit of dispair and I can't stop myself from spiraling down. But it seems like the more I try to encourage myself, the more I try to renew my faith in God, the less I actually trust Him to be there.
I feel abandoned by God, as backwards as that seems theologically. And sometimes this makes me angry, at God, at myself, at the world in general, and sometimes it makes me sad, so all I want to do is disolve into a puddle of tears. I want help, but please, spare me the encouraging Bible verses and lofty promises that God is always there for me. On one hand I know it's true, but it's been so long since I've actually felt like God was even listening when I cry out that that sort of encouragement rings hollow.
I know somewhere in there I must have started running from God, how else do you explain the distance I feel? But I also know that I've been crying out to God to help me find my way back. But it seems like the more I begged God for help, to show me the way, to change my heart, the farther away He got...
Wow this is long and deppressing... Um, I'm not suicidal, just horribly, terribly lost and alone. Can anyone help me?

 

[goldenviolet]

i would like to talk to you one on one. if you consent, pm me and let me know

there's nothing better than having a person to talk with personally instead of just posting. love dee

 

[AvgJoe]

I pray that the following link will be helpful to you. The link is to an ebook concerning victory over depression. The ebook can be downloaded for offline reading. It is a free download.

http://www.cathedraluniversity.com/depression/index.asp

God bless!

 

[HoneyComb Son]

hello tarnished silver..you know i felt like you not so long ago.i was severly depressed..i thought God blessed others besides me..i thought he left me till last..i thought he wasnt kind to me..i thought bad about God..didnt trust Him..thought He had nothing for me..i was really down..angry at God..but you know what..God was always there..you might be saying it happened to him..but for me?.. i felt the same way..i am not lying....but the thing is tarnished silver..God brought me through..and is blessing me..He has healed me..delivered me..it took time yes!..it takes time..but it is worth it..have hope tarnished silver..i was deep in despair..suicidual..and thought i was left alone..the last..but God is soo much in love with you..so much..He is soo kind...so very kind..He has good for you tarnished silver..you may not see it now..but God does have good for you tarnished silver..

i feel compassion for you tarnished silver..i feel similarities between us..i just want to encourage you from a standing of similar feelings..have hope..God will help you get through this!..i will help you..as much as i can

rdee has offered to help you and pm you..i am offering too..if you want..i am a guy..but whatever you want is fine..i will pray for you too if you want...God bless

 

[the_cheat]

I hate platitudes too, so I'm going to be as straightforward as possible.

I see that you're fifteen? It sounds like you're losing your childhood blind faith - and that's totally normal. Children are, in general, so much more open and trusting than adults. Now that you're not a kid anymore, you will need to really examine your thoughts and the world around you now to find truths, where before they seemed to leap out at you. Be patient with yourself, and be patient with God. It will take time, and that sucks. But eventually you will find your way.