Hi Lostandconfused

I am empathetic with your past and present plights but it is good to see that in the space of a few days that something positive seems to be coming from your seeking. Hold onto that! Keep your focus on God. It is important to seek companionship with other Christians and I think it's great that you're making the point of worshipping God in church, but please (and I plead sincerely from what I've been feeling in response to all your posts) do not let your focus slip from God onto people...
People, especially 'Christians', seem to have become synonymous with hurt for you. You are not going to out-grow that sentiment overnight. You will have to learn to trust others, but first you need to learn to trust God - ok?
Think about it - If you cannot believe that our infallible, perfect, honest and merciful God wants to keep to His word and save you and love you and bless you as His child..then you will never be able to believe that any human/imperfect person is capable of treating you with the respect and kindness that all of us deserve.
So, to begin with, try to give up worrying about what people will think of you. And if you experience negativity, or people speak negativity over you, turn to God and replace those thoughtless, empty words with the fullness of God's statements for you - the Truth! He loves you - has always loved you, he looked upon you with sad fondness and tenderness when you were in your lowest, darkest pit covered with the grime of sin, with curses on your tongue - He loved you even then, just as He loved me in my own equally dire moments. I have a past of physical and emotional abuse by a parent, and even today as a stubbornly faithful Christian, that abuse affects my understanding of God's love for me - so I understand your questions.
I know God's Words, I (finally) understand them to be true but I just don't know what to do with that love, how can I accept it? How can I possibly contain it? I mean, God's love isn't a simple love...it's WHOLE love: desire for my company; wooing and pursuit of me for Himself; self-sacrifice; complete understanding of and empathy with my past, present and future; whole acceptance of my entire being; joy in my growth; affection towards my uniqueness; faith and trust in my abilities and capabilities; compassion with my weaknesses; steadfast and predictable in discipline; just in both punishing me and blessing me; devoted to listening; passionate in protecting me .... the characteristics of God's love are imnumerable! And all ARE GOOD. Anything that you experience to the contrary of this goodness is either Satan trying to corrupt what you've got with God, or your fleshy sinful nature looking for immediate gratification.
God IS all to me that my human parents couldn't be because of their own battles with their own sin. He IS the perfect Father and He IS the perfect Mother. Where you have missed out on these crucial parental influences in your life, God can fill and repair these areas - only He is capable. He hates the sin that drives people to hurt us. Yes, He allows it, He lets Satan tamper with our lives,
but why? (I cried out for years!)
Potentially multiple reasons! In my situation, looking back with greater knowledge and on the other side of the experience, I know now that a few factors where involved that allowed Satan to provoke my mother to abuse me. He attacked her with depression and used her weakness to anger easily with the intention to destroy my young life and ruin my future prospects. He used my dad's childhood disicpline experiences and parental immaturity to ensure that I had no escape in the sheltering love of the other parent. Satan also made sure that my younger sister was favoured and as she became efficient at blaming me for her wrongs the abuse impounded etc. All this Satan used to harm me and tear our family unit (which should have glorified God) to tatters. BUT GOD intervened and ruined Satans plans
God is alive, even in the places where the foul stench of death and ruin lingers
God took the opening that was my aunt's prayer for me and my family and moved right in to save us from our oppression (Dad is the only one still resisting Jesus). But even after I was saved and I prayed and prayed with the innocent tears of a child for Mum to find God and stop hurting me, it was years before she was saved and the abuse stopped - but God heard and He did act. We learned later, through intercession and a prophetic word from someone I gradually learned to trust as God's servant, that there was a generational iniquity passed down my mother's side of the family and that occultic involvment (specifics we don't know) had given Satan 'legal' spiritual access to our family. We applied Jesus' blood to that iniquity and renounced that occultism and we are now free from any association by blood/family. Satan no longer has any legal right before God, to control our family (though, he stil has access through dad and even us Christians when we give him strongholds in our sin or doorways in our choices).
I've gone into this information with the intent of helping you see that God is greater than Satan and his miniscule powers. Some believers don't like to think about spiritual warfare or or even conceed to it's biblical existence, but I've experienced the release that only the power of Jesus' blood can give. The truth is, sometimes God has to allow Satan to have his horrible way with us, simply because WE have allowed him in. God doesn't discount and surpass our freewill...if we are ignorant to the fact that we've
invited Satan to have a part in our lives, God will bring it to our attention so we can deal with it. As believers in Christ, whose powerful blood atoned for our sin while at the same time
abolished Satan's previously
automatic ownership of our lives, we have the power and authority through Him to tell Satan and his demons where to go!
If you feel an oppressive spirit in your house, you have the right to tell it to get lost. God wants you to feel safe in His presense, how can you if you're aware that Satan is right there? Here's a prayer from Cindy Jacobs book "Deliver Us From Evil" that you may like to use:
Father, in the name of Jesus Christ, I now bind and take authority over all demonic spirits, which may have attached themselves to me. Demonic spirit, I forbid you from manifesting or harming me or my family in any way. I cover myself with the Blood of Jesus Christ and ask you, Father God, to send your angels to protect me, my family, my loved ones, and my possessions. In Jesus' name. Amen.
When I'm feeling oppressed or tempted to sin I'll simply say something like: Satan back off now, you have no right to be here, I am a child of God, leave in Jesus' name! And then I'll start worshipping God (Satan hates that - he wants me to fear him) and I'll get out my Bible and read scripture aloud and thank God for His words

The father of lies hates hearing God's pure Truth. Really stick it to him, afterall, he certainly enjoyed making your life miserable!!
Because you've been involved in paganism (however slight) you might want to take the initiative and renounce all your involvement with un-godly religions. From the same source here's a prayer:
Father God, I now repent for all occult involvement, forgive me for participating in those practices that are forbidden by you in your Word. I now renounce and repent from my involvment in: [whatever it was] I did this myself, to make sure all my ties with Satan were cut because I was involved in a séance as a young Christian and I used to read horoscopes etc.
Whatever you decide to do, I am pledging to faithfully pray for you. One thing I've learned from my suffering is that God is so merciful! Today, I would not change one thing about my childhood because I love who I have become. All my merits are a result of my coming through that trial. All my faults do to, but God has shown me the amazing truth that HE can help me change despite my upbringing (I couldn't do it on my own). I am growing into what God designed me to be and He is using my filthy past to help others in similar situations. God will use me powerfully to save and assist others and if I only ever help one person acheive their God-made purpose, that will, truly, be well worth my 15+ years of turmoil!
Further than that - through prophecy God has revealed that my entire family will do amazing things in this world for His Glory - no wonder Satan attacked us without mercy, he wants to prevent God's designs on our life because he hates God and he hates us because God loves us.
I believe the same for you. God will turn this right around.