Questioning myself and feeling torn

[YeshuaTourniquet]

i'm new here and i hope i will be welcomed here for posting this

background: as a child my parents were very abusive, both physically,emotionally and sexually, my "dad" (can't stand calling him that) went to prison for something unrelated to this and my biological mother commited suicide so i went into foster care, everything up untill this i KNOW is wrong, i KNOW it was wrong what these people did but after being placed in foster care i was in a home from 14-17 where i had a sexual relationship with my foster mother.

now i KNOW this was wrong just like what my parents did was wrong, and i KNOW it was sexual abuse but i can't really bring myself to call it that.....because honistly i liked it, unlike what my parents did which i hated this i knew even then how wrong what she was doing was but i liked it. and i also had a strong emotional connection to my foster mother, i loved her and when i was aksed by my social worker if i was ok with my foster parents i said that i liked living there very much, i also had my first taste of alcahol in her home, which she gave me, and she would frequently smoke pot and offer me some as well

i could never bring myself to tell anyone that could have gotten her in trouble and to this day, even knowing how wrong all this was i can't bring myself to accept it as abuse in my heart, i mean i can agree with my brain that it was but not with my heart

after leaving her care at 17 i was placed in a group home, which i ran away from and unofficially stayed with her again (not foster care, just crashing at her house) at this point her marriage was over and she wasn't taking in foster children anymore and we did the same things

it's not so much what happened, it's the fact that any thearpist or counseler i even considered seeing has told me that i need to accept it was wrong before the healing can even begin but i just can't really believe it

not sure if it plays in but i'm also bi-polar

the next part is in am a position of leadership in my congregation, so it's not like these insecurities are something i can openly discuss with anyone

so i find it easier to talk about here then in person

 

[daughterofzion]

because of the abuse and neglect you went through in your real family you developed a false sense of what love is. because your foster mom was kind to you in essence and more like a friend you found something there you probably didnt anywhere else. when we are starved for real love and affection we tend to take what we can get no matter how warped it is.

I agree you need to acknowledge that what she did was abuse, this doesnt mean there was nothing good about her or your relationship. It doesnt mean you have to hate her. Its natural for abuse victims to actually enjoy the abuse on some level - as we get older its a natural reaction. its like we adapt, we find pleasure in pain because we are so used to pain. we are so used to twisted love.

because of your age transition - one you were early in puberty it seems or soon after when this started with your foster mom it could be almost like sexual experimenting to you. and because of your age and willingness to take part - i think you may need to repent as a part of being set free from this. (not saying that you havent and please do not consider this me telling you that it was your fault in any way).

 

[YeshuaTourniquet]

thank you DaughterofZion for your support, the mental stuff with her went deeper then i could ever even begin to get into on here, and i basically know the lack of love is what caused it, i don't hate her, infact i think of her in a very loving manner, i found my Messiah (or rather HE found ME) later that same year, at 17, baptised in the Holy Spirit, 120 degree turnaround and eventually got into youth ministry.

she contacted me in 2004 and told me that she became a believer......and was dying

the year she passed is the same year i became a youth pastor, that's what i meant about not really being able to talk to a lot of people about this
because any time you mention Youth Pastor and sexual abuse in the same sentence the red flags go off and people start questioning you and your intentions

my intentions are only to be a humble servent, it's just hard not being able to talk to another flesh and blood person about this

 

[restore]

U r v brave to post here.

I maybe can not give many helpful words,cuz myself in similar situation before , and still in healing path. But I understand deeply, It is not your faults or our faults.
Pls keep on growing and seeking help for healing and setting captive free, find whatever resouces u need.
Remember, God will make everything negative for His glory finally.