Question....

[Michie]

So my BIL & SIL are basically slandering me. Saying the craziest things. My husband knows it & the whole rest of the family knows it.

I'm praying for them every night but I'm still very angry & hurt. I went to Church today & prayed for them but I still have some feelings that are not good. I do not wish them harm but I'm just feel extremely hurt. It made me question whether I should go up & receive communion. I don't think I am in mortal sin but I was still wondering about it. I have not been this hurt in quite sometime.

So I decided to go up to communion but offer up the benefits & graces for my BIL & SIL. I have been meaning to go to confession to hash this out but have not been able to go yet. I'm just wondering if I did the right thing in this situation.

If you are feeling angry & hurt is it acceptable to receive communion?

 

[Chrystal-J]

I find that receiving communion while I'm having emotional suffering helps that suffering a lot. It gives me a break from the stress. I may get stressed again later, due to circumstances, but at least I can feel His Peace while at Mass.

 

[Michie]

I find that receiving communion while I'm having emotional suffering helps that suffering a lot. It gives me a break from the stress. I may get stressed again later, due to circumstances, but at least I can feel His Peace while at Mass.

I have not experienced that. This situation has been going on for a week today. It all started last Sunday after Church. I'm just beside myself about it all & I am really struggling.

 

[MikeK]

That doesn't sound like sin to me, Michie. It is not a sin to be hurt and offended by people who wrong you. You're praying for them and doing your best not to contribute to the situation, what else can you do?

 

[Michie]

That doesn't sound like sin to me, Michie. It is not a sin to be hurt and offended by people who wrong you. You're praying for them and doing your best not to contribute to the situation, what else can you do?

I don't know. They refuse to talk to me. I tried & they slung the phone across the room twice. My husband went over there & the things they said were (literally) insane imo.

It was like they were trying to turn my husband against me. I can't stop thinking about it & yes, I'm praying for them, etc. But I can't stop thinking about it. I catch myself in my thoughts calling them names, etc. I know it's normal but it made me think I should not go up to communion but was not sure. The whole thing is driving me crazy.

I just feel very uncomfortable.

 

[gurneyhalleck1]

It sounds like you're having trouble, UNDERSTANDABLY, forgiving them. Sometimes I "pray" for someone I can't stand at work, someone who is harassing me or being extremely disrespectful, nasty, gossipy about me, let's say. I pray for them, but in my heart I still hate their guts. I TELL myself I've forgiven them and they're in the wrong while I'm the good guy, but honestly I'm harboring bad thoughts.

When this happens, and I dwell on a bad feeling even if I'm fighting it, I think it's time to go to Confession.

Now I know Catholics have these rubric-minded trips to confession. You guys tend to look if it has all these necessary ingredients to be "mortal" or "venial," but for us, we look at something weighing on our soul that is causing us spiritual harm. We look more at the medicinal side, not the legal. For us, the refusal to forgive is a serious struggle that impedes our spiritual growth. I say this because I have had GREAT trouble forgiving a coworker who has been bad to me. I confessed it actually a FEW times! I prayed about it a ton. Finally I have gotten to a healthy place spiritually and emotionally and actually don't hate her guts.

I think the best time to approach the Eucharist is when we're of the mindset to forgive. Only you can assess in your heart, Michie, if you have TRULY done that. On more than one occasion I "told" myself I had forgiven, but my thoughts betrayed me as I imagined my enemy put to shame, getting "what's coming to her," and hoping for negative things to happen to her. That is NOT forgiveness, and I had to admit my hypocrisy.

I wouldn't approach our Sacrament in my church unless I'm spiritually giving good will to others. If I were you, I would schedule confession and keep confessing and praying until this is resolved. But like I said, all the folks in here, myself included, don't truly know your heart. It's VERY hard to forgive enemies. We all say we do it, but it's TOUGH!

Hang in there!

 

[Rhamiel]

yes
God knows you are human

you do not wish harm on them
you are not seeking revenge
you are human, and humans get hurt and mad sometimes

 

[Michie]

It sounds like you're having trouble, UNDERSTANDABLY, forgiving them. Sometimes I "pray" for someone I can't stand at work, someone who is harassing me or being extremely disrespectful, nasty, gossipy about me, let's say. I pray for them, but in my heart I still hate their guts. I TELL myself I've forgiven them and they're in the wrong while I'm the good guy, but honestly I'm harboring bad thoughts.

When this happens, and I dwell on a bad feeling even if I'm fighting it, I think it's time to go to Confession.

Now I know Catholics have these rubric-minded trips to confession. You guys tend to look if it has all these necessary ingredients to be "mortal" or "venial," but for us, we look at something weighing on our soul that is causing us spiritual harm. We look more at the medicinal side, not the legal. For us, the refusal to forgive is a serious struggle that impedes our spiritual growth. I say this because I have had GREAT trouble forgiving a coworker who has been bad to me. I confessed it actually a FEW times! I prayed about it a ton. Finally I have gotten to a healthy place spiritually and emotionally and actually don't hate her guts.

I think the best time to approach the Eucharist is when we're of the mindset to forgive. Only you can assess in your heart, Michie, if you have TRULY done that. On more than one occasion I "told" myself I had forgiven, but my thoughts betrayed me as I imagined my enemy put to shame, getting "what's coming to her," and hoping for negative things to happen to her. That is NOT forgiveness, and I had to admit my hypocrisy.

I wouldn't approach our Sacrament in my church unless I'm spiritually giving good will to others. If I were you, I would schedule confession and keep confessing and praying until this is resolved. But like I said, all the folks in here, myself included, don't truly know your heart. It's VERY hard to forgive enemies. We all say we do it, but it's TOUGH!

Hang in there!

I don't hate them...I'm shocked more than anything. I can forgive them but I'm not sure if I can ever trust them. That's the thing. I've bent over backwards for these people & they flat out lied about me. I mean, they even said I was mentally ill.

This coming from people that believe in loony conspiracy theories, UFO's, etc.

And the thing is...that will not talk to ME. They talk about me.

They say their feelings towards me have been going on for 3 years but obviously not so badly they could not accept help from me. We just gave them a riding lawnmower 2 weeks ago & they accepted it all the while twisting a knife in my back?

It has always been a very one sided relationship. They are practically hermits but I always just took it as they were odd. Not mean spirited.

I know I need to go to confession but my Church only offers it once a week. So I have to wait.

 

[Michie]

yes
God knows you are human

you do not wish harm on them
you are not seeking revenge
you are human, and humans get hurt and mad sometimes

Do you go to communion feeling hurt & angry?

 

[gurneyhalleck1]

I'm not referring so much to hate as just the unwillingness to TOTALLY forgive. I don't know your thoughts, Michie, so I'm NOT AT ALL judging YOUR thoughts. I'm merely pointing out my own failings. I've had moments where I didn't HATE so much as hold resentment and this 'quiet' little desire to see my enemy fail or get what he/she deserved. I wasn't quite "there" yet with forgiveness.

If you have forgiven them 100%, you have good feelings toward them and wish them well, and the hatred or anger or refusal to forgive is absent and washed away, then YOU are not the one with the problem. You have nothing to confess. But if you harbor resentment (and like I said, only YOU know that, not us!) then you should hold off for communion. That's all.

You sound like you've done everything spiritually, mentally, and prayerfully right.

I don't hate them...I'm shocked more than anything. I can forgive them but I'm not sure if I can ever trust them. That's the thing. I've bent over backwards for these people & they flat out lied about me. I mean, they even said I was mentally ill.

This coming from people that believe in loony conspiracy theories, UFO's, etc.

And the thing is...that will not talk to ME. They talk about me.

They say their feelings towards me have been going on for 3 years but obviously not so badly they could not accept help from me. We just gave them a riding lawnmower 2 weeks ago & they accepted it all the while twisting a knife in my back?

It has always been a very one sided relationship. They are practically hermits but I always just took it as they were odd. Not mean spirited.

I know I need to go to confession but my Church only offers it once a week. So I have to wait.

 

[gurneyhalleck1]

That's a good point. St. John Chrysostom, our Orthodox "Father among the saints," once said that we Christians must look to OURSELVES when we're angry and hurt, and wonder what is so VERY WRONG WITH US that we allowed that hurt to happen? And that's not a good state to be in stepping up to the Eucharist.....at least from our point of view. I'm not Catholic.

St. John Chrysostom would have a lot to say about me I'm sure. I allow people to hurt me all the time, especially at work. I take things HARD sometimes, and feel a lot of pain when someone rips me. It endures with me for months sometimes. I hate that about me. And St. John is speaking to folks like me. There is a defect in ME, in my spiritual life that I still, after all these years, haven't gotten to a better place where I can not be hurt emotionally by the slander of others.

Do you go to communion feeling hurt & angry?

 

[MikeK]

It has always been a very one sided relationship. They are practically hermits but I always just took it as they were odd. Not mean spirited.

I know I need to go to confession but my Church only offers it once a week. So I have to wait.

I suppose they're too close proximity-wise to ignore or that your husband isn't willing to sever that bond? I have a mentally ill aunt and I can appreciate how hard it must be. We live far from her, but the rest of my Dad's siblings stayed close to home and she caused them no small amount of torment. Still, she's family and I wish her the best.

Pro tip! If your Church offers daily Mass, you can likely sneak in a Confession before or after Mass. If you have a Catholic Hospital nearby, you might find that they have daily Mass (usually around noon) and a retired Priest who would be happy to hear your Confession or offer spiritual direction. If you feel the need for the Sacrament, there's no requirement to wait until Saturday or whenever it's scheduled. I don't think you have a sin to Confess, but if you feel you do and you'd be less anxious getting it off your chest, you might have an opportunity to.

Try to comfort yourself with the knowledge that God loves you and wants you to be free from stress and anxiety. Trust in Him, focus on the important things, and breath easy.

 

[Michie]

I'm not referring so much to hate as just the unwillingness to TOTALLY forgive. I don't know your thoughts, Michie, so I'm NOT AT ALL judging YOUR thoughts. I'm merely pointing out my own failings. I've had moments where I didn't HATE so much as hold resentment and this 'quiet' little desire to see my enemy fail or get what he/she deserved. I wasn't quite "there" yet with forgiveness.

If you have forgiven them 100%, you have good feelings toward them and wish them well, and the hatred or anger or refusal to forgive is absent and washed away, then YOU are not the one with the problem. You have nothing to confess. But if you harbor resentment (and like I said, only YOU know that, not us!) then you should hold off for communion. That's all.

You sound like you've done everything spiritually, mentally, and prayerfully right.

I know you are not judging me. I cannot say I do not have the normal human reactions. Resentment? Probably. I do wish them well & no harm. I can't say I would not like it if they changed their mindset about everything in general but I have been praying for them. Offered up communion for them. Just trying to go against my feelings of shock about it all. I know I need to go to confession to discuss this but I was mainly concerned if I should have received communion at all today. These are the things that confuse me about being Catholic. I know I cannot feel what I feel about it. This was the first time I went to Church feeling this way where I wondered if I should. Maybe if you wonder you shouldn't? And if I should not have I guess I'm in trouble.

 

[Michie]

That's a good point. St. John Chrysostom, our Orthodox "Father among the saints," once said that we Christians must look to OURSELVES when we're angry and hurt, and wonder what is so VERY WRONG WITH US that we allowed that hurt to happen? And that's not a good state to be in stepping up to the Eucharist.....at least from our point of view. I'm not Catholic.

St. John Chrysostom would have a lot to say about me I'm sure. I allow people to hurt me all the time, especially at work. I take things HARD sometimes, and feel a lot of pain when someone rips me. It endures with me for months sometimes. I hate that about me. And St. John is speaking to folks like me. There is a defect in ME, in my spiritual life that I still, after all these years, haven't gotten to a better place where I can not be hurt emotionally by the slander of others.

I'm far from perfect...that is for sure. I need to read up on this.

 

[Michie]

I suppose they're too close proximity-wise to ignore or that your husband isn't willing to sever that bond? I have a mentally ill aunt and I can appreciate how hard it must be. We live far from her, but the rest of my Dad's siblings stayed close to home and she caused them no small amount of torment. Still, she's family and I wish her the best.

No my husband has severed the relationship. It's over. Much to their dismay because they thought they were going to get away with it & have a relationship with him while treating me like an outcast. He said he is tired of making excuses for their behavior. We both wish them the best. But it is like my husband said, you cannot reason with unreasonable people. But I have a feeling the family gatherings are going to be very tense from here on out.

Pro tip! If your Church offers daily Mass, you can likely sneak in a Confession before or after Mass. If you have a Catholic Hospital nearby, you might find that they have daily Mass (usually around noon) and a retired Priest who would be happy to hear your Confession or offer spiritual direction. If you feel the need for the Sacrament, there's no requirement to wait until Saturday or whenever it's scheduled. I don't think you have a sin to Confess, but if you feel you do and you'd be less anxious getting it off your chest, you might have an opportunity to.

I thought about calling for an appt. Given the small town I'm in there are not many options.

Try to comfort yourself with the knowledge that God loves you and wants you to be free from stress and anxiety. Trust in Him, focus on the important things, and breath easy.

Thanks Mike. Say a prayer for me. It really is consuming me because I want to fix it. But I can't because we are dealing with things that never happened.

 

[Chrystal-J]

I don't hate them...I'm shocked more than anything. I can forgive them but I'm not sure if I can ever trust them. That's the thing. I've bent over backwards for these people & they flat out lied about me. I mean, they even said I was mentally ill.

This coming from people that believe in loony conspiracy theories, UFO's, etc.

And the thing is...that will not talk to ME. They talk about me.

They say their feelings towards me have been going on for 3 years but obviously not so badly they could not accept help from me. We just gave them a riding lawnmower 2 weeks ago & they accepted it all the while twisting a knife in my back?

It has always been a very one sided relationship. They are practically hermits but I always just took it as they were odd. Not mean spirited.

I know I need to go to confession but my Church only offers it once a week. So I have to wait.

They sound like one of my sisters. She tells bald-faced, crazy lies and my mother won't confront her about them cuz she doesn't want to get "stressed out". So, she just pretends to believe my sister's insane lies--it drives me crazy! I've asked my mother to not even tell me about the lies as it gets on my nerves so bad and my mother obviously never intends to correct her. My mother at least (basically) respects that and doesn't tell me too much. Once in a while, she slips and tells me some craziness that my sister is spreading and I shudder. I'm SO glad I cut all contact with her. Because if I hadn't--the crazy lies she spreads would include me. But, she can't get any "ammo" against me cuz I never go anywhere near her.
*Hugs* sorry you're going through this. It's a horrible situation.

 

[Michie]

They sound like one of my sisters. She tells bald-faced, crazy lies and my mother won't confront her about them cuz she doesn't want to get "stressed out". So, she just pretends to believe my sister's insane lies--it drives me crazy! I've asked my mother to not even tell me about the lies as it gets on my nerves so bad and my mother obviously never intends to correct her. My mother at least (basically) respects that and doesn't tell me too much. Once in a while, she slips and tells me some craziness that my sister is spreading and I shudder. I'm SO glad I cut all contact with her. Because if I hadn't--the crazy lies she spreads would include me. But, she can't get any "ammo" against me cuz I never go anywhere near her.
*Hugs* sorry you're going through this. It's a horrible situation.

I think that is part of the problem. People do not want the stress & are afraid of a big family blow out so they do not say much. And the behavior continues. I'm thinking that separation will be the case here as well. I do not see them ever admitting to being wrong or admitting to anything. I'm sorry for your family troubles as well. It just seems to be more commonplace as time goes on.

 

[Chrystal-J]

I think that is part of the problem. People do not want the stress & are afraid of a big family blow out so they do not say much. And the behavior continues. I'm thinking that separation will be the case here as well. I do not see them ever admitting to being wrong or admitting to anything. I'm sorry for your family troubles as well. It just seems to be more commonplace as time goes on.

It's just sad--the unnecessary hurt that happens for other people's amusement (I guess). My sister's daughter lies even more than her mother--it's really unbelievable. She takes it even further than my sister. She was telling people about her "brother"--she's never had a "brother" of any kind (no full, half or step brother). And this is a 24 year old woman--not some kid with a fantasy.
I just stay totally away from that branch of my family. I know I've saved myself a lifetime of headaches.
I will pray for you tonight Michie--that the peace of Jesus Christ will cover you and give you a break from this stress.

 

[Michie]

It's just sad--the unnecessary hurt that happens for other people's amusement (I guess). My sister's daughter lies even more than her mother--it's really unbelievable. She takes it even further than my sister. She was telling people about her "brother"--she's never had a "brother" of any kind (no full, half or step brother). And this is a 24 year old woman--not some kid with a fantasy.
I just stay totally away from that branch of my family. I know I've saved myself a lifetime of headaches.
I will pray for you tonight Michie--that the peace of Jesus Christ will cover you and give you a break from this stress.

Doesn't it make you wonder about mental illness? I have wondered that about my BIL & SIL. I don't understand people that pull things out of thin air or take situations & twist the truth of what really happened. Say things & then say they did not say it or say that is not what they meant. Or say no & mean yes. It's just bizarre. Thank you for the prayers. I will pray for your situation as well. I'm very curious what the priest will say & advise on this.

 

[Chrystal-J]

Doesn't it make you wonder about mental illness? I have wondered that about my BIL & SIL. I don't understand people that pull things out of thin air or take situations & twist the truth of what really happened. Say things & then say they did not say it or say that is not what they meant. Or say no & mean yes. It's just bizarre. Thank you for the prayers. I will pray for your situation as well. I'm very curious what the priest will say & advise on this.

With my sister and niece, I think it was a combo of some mental issues, but my parents never corrected my sister when she'd get caught in a lie. They didn't want the "hassle" of disciplining her over it. Now it's totally out of control and my niece has followed in my sister's foot-steps. My sister had another daughter who's nothing like her mother and sister. I don't think she has much to do with them--keeps her contact limited. She was never like my sister--from day one, she was nicer and more honest. I feel really bad for her because she had to deal with my sister's nonsense through-out her childhood. I don't get to see her much, but she seems to have turned out well. So, I'm glad for the glimmer of goodness in that mess.

Some people just like to hurt others because they're hurting and they want to drag others down with them. About 20+ years ago, I just refused to take the bait with my sister. My thoughts where that if she wants to play these games with people, she can count me out. I do pray that she turns to Christ, but other than that, I stay away from her.