Question: To get married sooner? Please help!!

[reesechic21]

My boyfriend and I are both 21 and have been dating for a year and a half.
I'm in school right now and will be done in three years (I'll finish with masters). My parents have told me that they'd pay for my schooling as long as
I don't get married, plus they really believe in getting an education first before
being married. We were fine with that until these past few months. We both have always had the idea of date to marry, God has already told us, yes this is the person I have for you, and we recently took a class that dealt with every aspect of marriage and what couples should discuss and know before they get married, it confirmed what God has told us and it has ignited us even more to get married sooner. I want to know what you think. Is getting married the best thing, or should we wait? Thank you for your help!

Reasons to get married
Gain independence from parents
Start our life together and begin to build a healthy and godly marriage
Develop a better relationship with my parents
Choose the church we want to go to and plug into community groups they have for our age group (Long story)
Be able to become one physically, emotionally, and spiritually
Not flee from sexual temptation anymore
Reasons not to get married
Save ourselves from having debt in the future
Save ourselves the pressure of making sure we'll be able to support ourselves every month
Be obedient to parents
The argument of: You have the rest of your lives to be together, why not wait just three more years

 

[Bella Vita]

My husband and I got married at 20 last summer we are 8th grade sweethearts and have know each other for 7 years. It isn't all peaches and cream though it is hard work not so much our marriage yet because we really love each other but because life is hard bills suck we struggle for money. My husband just had to get a second job working 3rd shift so I sleep alone pretty much every night. But that being said marriage is amazing and I wouldn't trade it for the world. You will never feel so completely connected to another person. But I don't know if a year is long enough to really know someone at 21 I would give it another 2 years then talk to your parents about school if you only have one year left they maybe a little more understanding then 3 years. The only reason why I got married at my age was because we knew each other for so long before hand if it was anyone else I would have waited longer but we have a really long history. At 21 a year is just not long enough if it is right you will still be together in 2 years if not then you know you were right to wait.

Good Luck =]

 

[k450ofu3k-gh-5ipe]

If you two feel like the pros outweigh the cons then get married. If not, then don't.

I think it's a decision that you and your fiance have to decide on. From the information you've given, you two seem well prepared for marriage, so it's essentially a pros and cons battle.

Having said that, if I were in your situation, I'm not sure what I would do.

 

[citizenthom]

While getting married as soon as you're ready is a good idea, starting marriage with one spouse completely free of school debt relieves all sorts of short-term and long-term pressures. Money is one of the two biggest areas of friction in marriages; having your school paid for helps alleviate a huge source of that friction among our generation.

 

[Autumnleaf]

If you put money before doing what you know is right then you've made the wrong choice. Trusting in money and trusting in God are mutually exclusive. God is too jealous to put up with such divided loyalty.

 

[xDenax]

I would wait and let your parents pay for school unless there is some HUGE reason you need to get away from them.

 

[DZoolander]

Part of being a parent, IMHO, is protecting their children from the simple fact that even though they think they know what they're talking about, more often than not they don't.

I'm sure if you were to go into the Divorce sections of this site, and ask people if they believed at one point that God had chosen that person for them, they would almost overwhelmingly come back with "yes".

At 21, you're like a veal. You're a couple of years out of HS (and in your case - that's almost meaningless because those years haven't been spent independently). Heck, you can't even say that a decade has passed since you were in elementary school.

...and what you're upset about is that your parents can't ignore that fact.

I'll let you in on a little secret... Those marriage prep classes are kinda useless. Their attestments that you are somehow meant for each other are meaningless. Sure - you both might have the fundamental ideas right (meaning, talk to your spouse, be clear about your priorities, etc) - but in the practical world having the required skills and having the maturity to properly use them are completely different things.

I've got a professional router table and all the bits in the garage. That doesn't mean that I'm able to bevel my projects with the skill and accuracy that someone else can with those same tools. It's the same thing with life...and that's what your parents are afraid of. The difference between an adult, and a kid, is recognizing that important distinction.

At 21, after dating a year and a half, you're like me fumbling around with that table. The difference is - as an adult - I approach that thing with caution and I'm patient with it. I don't jump at it with irresponsible zealousness - because while the tool is good - I'm not good at it. What your parents are trying to do is give you more time to practice with those important tools before taking steps that might end up hurting you in the future.

...and I'd listen to them. Impatience is not a good sign of maturity.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

My boyfriend and I are both 21 and have been dating for a year and a half.
I'm in school right now and will be done in three years (I'll finish with masters). My parents have told me that they'd pay for my schooling as long as
I don't get married, plus they really believe in getting an education first before
being married. We were fine with that until these past few months. We both have always had the idea of date to marry, God has already told us, yes this is the person I have for you, and we recently took a class that dealt with every aspect of marriage and what couples should discuss and know before they get married, it confirmed what God has told us and it has ignited us even more to get married sooner. I want to know what you think. Is getting married the best thing, or should we wait? Thank you for your help!

A couple of your reasons to get married directly conflict with each other, like:

Gain independence from parents
Develop a better relationship with my parents

If your parents don't want you to get married, then you're not going to have a better realtionship by defying them.

"Choose the church we want to go to and plug into community groups they have for our age group (Long story)" is something you could do without being married.

"Be able to become one physically, emotionally, and spiritually" Well, if you're not already there, then you shouldn't be getting married. No switch is flicked when you say "I do" that makes that happen. This should be worked out long before you hit the altar and, as such, isn't a reason to get married.

"Start our life together and begin to build a healthy and godly marriage" Again, is something that you should already be doing right now. If you're not, then that needs to be addressed before you get married. This isn't something that should wait until you get married.

"Not flee from sexual temptation anymore" To have sex should never, ever be a reason to get married. Sex is an act in a marriage between two people, not the basis of a marriage.

"Save ourselves from having debt in the future" and "Save ourselves the pressure of making sure we'll be able to support ourselves every month" are both big warning signs to me that you're not really ready to get married as you're not practically looking at what your married life will be together. You will, at some point, most likely have debt you have to deal with. Credit cards, a house payment, buying a car, loans taken out for other reasons, draws for emergency money, payment plans for large bills (medical, etc), even renting is a form of debt... All of these things could and at least some will probably will come up in your married life at some point. You will not be saved from debt by getting or not getting married. And at no point will waiting or not waiting to get married save you from making sure you're able to support yourself. Financial emergencies come up, people lose jobs, get demotions, take pay cuts, budgets get broken... Financial stability has absolutely nothing to do if you're married or not, regardless of who pays for your schooling.

"Be obedient to parents" Is something to consider. Why do they feel the way they do? It's a valid concern that if you get married and start a family that your chances to finish school get smaller. Can it be done? Yes. But does it make it harder? Yes. Especially once kids come. Take it from somebody who has a young son with medical issues who works 3 jobs and is trying to get a degree. It would have been a lot easier for me to do at your age, and cheaper since I qualify for no scholarships anymore.

"The argument of: You have the rest of your lives to be together, why not wait just three more years" Why do you need to get married now? If your relationship can't survive that 3 years, it can't survive a marriage. Just because you believe God brought you together does not mean that God thinks, expects, or asks you to get married tomorrow. It could absolutely be part of God's plan that you wait another 3 or more years.

 

[If Not For Grace]

Honor your parents; If its Love, it will keep-the reasons for did not add up to much

when I read them.

 

[BFine]

You listed some pros and cons for marrying/not getting married.

What I don't see is the list of how the two of you will be able to support
having a home and all the other bills that come along.

Are you both working full time so you can pay for college should your parents stop footing the bill if you marry before finishing school?

Have you and your gf socked away money so you can pay for the rings & wedding? Do you all have a down payment for your own place?

When I was of age I found my own church to attend, no my mom didn't like that I wasn't going to her church any more.

I paid for my own education after high school and when it came time to marry I/we footed the bill.
Our parents didn't get to "manipulate" us. My FIL tried that and found out real quick that I wasn't bowing to his wishes just so we could get a fat check from him. I told him that if he wanted to give us money that was fine but if strings were attached to it he could keep his money and I handed him the check back! You should of seen his expression!
He looked to his son but that did no good (he sided with me) --FIL didn't try that again!

 

[Created2Write]

As someone who is married and also in school, perhaps I can offer some perspective.

I married at twenty, and my parents weren't too thrilled about it. I had a job, up until less than a month before the wedding. We married anyway, and despite the financial difficulties, I wouldn't change a thing.

Being married, I get all kinds of grants and scholarships to pay for school because I am not under the income of my parents. DH and I don't make very much, so we qualify for quite a bit of financial aid. I will graduate with a double major, and will(most likely) not have to have any student loans. So, you may not actually have to pay for a lot of school.

I would not change our choice to marry. Granted, it's been tough, but we're managing.

 

[blythe_ann]

hey, Reesechic

I won't lie, my personal story makes me a little biased on your situation. I was married young with unhappy-about-it parents and church family. I don't regret that decision at all.
But, I don't want to be completely biased, because while your list of reasons were all good reasons both directions, a list of reasons does not your relationship make, and I don't know you personally to be able to say either way.
So, I'll just say be cautious. Going through an engagement when people aren't happy is hard. It hurts to have your major life decisions fought by your family members, to not be congratulated by people that should. It is awful to go through even your wedding day knowing that most in attendance aren't happy about this.
Marriage is work. Even if you know each other very well before hand marriage is different and it takes work and sometimes it will be more work than you want. Life in the "real world" is also work. Financial stress is the worst kind.

On the other hand, if you learn to budget early, it helps the future. If you are careful and protective of your marriage and are sure this is the path you are meant to lead, you will succeed. It's amazing to be, as you said, as connected as you are once you are married. It's great to start early. I'm 24 and celebrating my 5th anniversary soon. There are some definite positives to be married young.

So, I can't tell you either way, but I think you just need to decide for yourself anyway .

 

[Autumnleaf]

My step brother waited to get married until his girlfriend finished school. He worked hard to pay her way through school then they got married. A few years later, after they saved awhile, they had two kids. A few years later she divorced him. I don't get it. Except maybe since they were not married from the beginning of their sexual relationship it was build on sand instead of concrete they could build on. I know many couples who 'dated' for years before they got married and after that things went bad. To begin and face the hard times together as husband and wife is what will make you and him more solid and it will be what you will be able to tell grand children about. 'They never thought we'd make it...'

 

[richard william]

i got married at the age of 20 and i have never been happier before , now we have a 2 year old son and fatherhood is an ever greater blessing.

 

[anunbeliever]

Many christians get married too young - in my opinion. Its something you dont realise until you're much older. Your late teens and early 20s are the time to discover who you are as a new adult person. Travel, get educated, get started in a career. There's plenty of time to get married and have kids later. After all being a young single only comes once in a lifetime.

 

[Boss_BlueAngels]

Why rush into things? You both have a lot of stressful times to get though, the last thing you need to deal with is planning a weding and dealing with that additional stress. There is nothing wrong with waiting a bit for a better financial situation. And again, if you both love each other, there should be no problem in waiting it out.

My wife and I met, and fell in love, our first quarter of our first year in college when we were 18 and 19. It wasn't long before we knew we were meant for each other and we spoke a lot about getting married. We dated for 8 years before getting married. That included a year and a half of a long distance relationship while she finished her college. We loved each other and figured we didn't need a piece of paper or a ceremony to prove it and waited for the time to be right for both of us. It's been an amazing (almost) 2 years and were happy every day that we waited for the right timing.

 

[LinkH]

I married my wife when I was 27 and she was 23. If there were some kind of time machine that put my consciousness now, with all of my experiences, into my body when I was in college, I would wait until I graduated college, go get a job in Indonesia, meet my wife and see if I could marry her to marry me when I was 21 and she was 18. I wouldn't want to spend up that time without her. I would do that if the Lord was okay with my plan and I had peace about it. He may have had us meet at a particular time in our lives for a reason.

There are advantages to marrying young. Sons born to a man in his youth are like arrows in his quiver. You don't know much about parenting when you are young. But what do you know a few years later? At least you have the energy to chase the kids around.

 

[LinkH]

Some advice for the OP.

If you've found who the Lord wants you to marry and the Lord has let you both know that, that is great. I think you have a good thought process for reasons for and against marriage.

Abstaining from fornication is a pretty big reason in favor of marriage. But obedience to parents is a huge reason not to marry now. It was really important for me as a Christian man to have my father-in-laws consent to marry my wife. In the Old Testament, the father had the right to give his daughter away in marriage. Depending on how its interpreted, I Corinthians 7 may refer to the same concept. (He that giveth her in marriage...)

If it were my daughter, and the man were godly and suitable for my daughter-- especially if we perceived the Lord were behind the marriage-- and the man had a bachelors and a decent job to support her--I wouldn't push my daughter to get a masters degree before marriage. I would expect the husband to be able to support her somehow.

Actually, my wife had a few classes and a thesis left before finishing school. I did not really push her to do her thesis, and we left the country and she finished it up after she came back, about three years after our marriage, and finally graduate. Her parents had really wanted her to finish school, though they weren't really financing it.

You could pray about your parents' hearts and maybe you they could agree, even if it is somewhat reluctantly, to the marriage. I don't think you should marriage if they actually oppose it. If a man is willing to pay for your education to have you, that would say a lot, too.

Have you considered talking about some of the more sensitive reasons you want to marry sooner with your parents? Maybe with your mom? Are they believers? Abstaining from fornication may be difficult to talk about, but if they are believers, they accept the marriage is from the Lord, they may be able to sympathize with your concerns. If you can talk to mom, she may be able to talk to dad.

I think it best, though, that you be able to support yourselves somehow without their help financially if you are going to marry--e.g. him having a job first.

 

[LinkH]

"Not flee from sexual temptation anymore" To have sex should never, ever be a reason to get married. Sex is an act in a marriage between two people, not the basis of a marriage.

Sure it is a reason. If there were no sex, there would be no kids. There would be no family. There would be no reason for marriage. You could just be really good friends with someone. 'Two shall be one flesh' is an aspect of marriage.

And the desire to avoid sexual temptation is a legitimate reason to get married sooner rather than later. Paul wrote, "To avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and every woman her own husband."

It would be unwise to get married to just anyone to just have sex. But if you found the person you know you are going to marry, and you simply have a choice between marrying soon, or marrying later and struggling with sexual temptation for a long time, why not choose marrying soon?

Of course, those aren't the only factors. Your parent's desires do factor in to the equation, or should. If the man is not able to support a wife yet, that is also a big factor against marrying now.

 

[blackribbon]

1 Corinthians 7:8-9 does say to flea sexual tempation is a reason to get married. I don't think I've ever read a verse that says finishing school or getting financially stable is a reason to wait.

If you get married, life will be rough. You will probably not be able to afford the typical college activities...hotdogs by candlelight will be a romantic dinner...and dumpster diving by moonlight is how you will furnish your first home. If you think your relationship is strong enough to stand this, then you will be building the memories and experiences that can tie a life together though any type of hardship.

The married students I knew were tired and poor...but they made the best grades because they had a real reason for passing their classes and getting out of school as fast as possible.

Also, I think that we wait too long to get married...saying "no" for over 10 years is a hard habit to break...not saying "no" brings damaged hearts into marriages. Yes, there are some dangers in not being sure...but there are also dangers that come from waiting...even down to just "wasting" a few years that you might have been building a life together instead of building false expectation of how great will be IF you wait. It is hard no matter what age you start.

I think you need to sit down with your parents and he sit down with his parents and find out if there is a reason they object to you getting married for any reason other than "situational". If they think he has too hot of a temper or his parents think you are a little self-centered...then look at this a bit more closely. I there reasons only are being more financially stable or other situational...then I wouldn't put as much weight on them. If there are no real objections to the "who" in the relationship, then make sure you two have a plan for handling the "how are we going to do this" because you can't eat love...but you can live on Campbell's soup reasonably healthy for a very long time. Then get on your knees and listen to your heart.