Question regarding divorce

[Randombitsofstring]

Hello, long time lurker, first time poster. I’ve often in the past seen very good, non biased advice given here so I’d thought I’d give it a try. I’m not really sure where to start; my husband and I have been married for nearly 13 years—but for the last 7 or 8 years it really hasn’t been much of a marriage. We don’t fight, but we also don’t communicate very much, we rarely ever spend time together and our sex life has suffered quite a lot. My husband says he likes things the way they are and doesn’t want to change. He says we’re at that stage were married people do not need sex or need to spend much time together and I should be happy about that. In the past few years I’ve tried to get him to come around and be more active in our marriage by getting him to do things as a family, and I’ve asked him to see his doctor about his lack of interest in sex. But he always insist that I’m the one with the problem and not him. He also likes to tell me that since we do not want any more children that having sex just for fun is sinful—but he doesn’t claim to be religious so I don’t even know why that would bother him.

Even our children don’t want to be around him. He never wants to spend time with them, or go to their school plays and go out and do things together or even sit down at the table and have a family meal. He either wants to sleep, work, or play video games—if he has to do anything else he complains about it.

Frankly, I’m at the point now where I’ve given up. I’ve also feel like I do not want to spend any more time trying to convince him otherwise. I’ve spent too many night alone while he stayed up all night playing video games, and too much time alone to even want to try and make it work. I’m at the point where I just want out of this marriage. I no longer feel any thing for him. Not even anger. I just want to get away from him and maybe find someone who would like to actually be a lover and a friend. No one seems to understand that just because we don’t fight doesn’t mean we have a happy marriage. Yes, he is a good provider, but so am I. In fact I have to work because he is so extravagant with our money that we need two incomes. (I don’t mind working though; I just wish we could save more.) The last time I talked to a pastor about this he felt that if my husband wasn’t abusive or if he isn’t cheating on me then I should have no reason to want a divorce. That simply being neglected wasn’t reason enough to get a divorce. So I guess what I want to ask is, all things considered is it selfish of me to want to divorce him?

 

[Athene]

I don't believe it is selfish of you to want to divorce him, it doesn't sound like you have a marriage anymore, you're two people with seperate lives who just so happen to live in the same house. Neglect is abuse - you are a parent, if you never spoke to your children, never showed them affection, were emotionally distant from them- how do you think it would affect your children? It would make them miserable and it would have long term effects on them.

You only have one life and you deserve to be happy.

 

[Godisgr8r]

I agree with Athene, although I will probably make someone angry saying that. He promised to love, honor, and cherish you, which to me, doesn't sound like he is doing.

 

[TheDag]

Have you tried counselling? Even if he won't go it can be helpful for yourself to go. Or ask him to go with you saying well if I have a problem then it needs to be fixed but I will need your help. Maybe that is a bit deceptive but may work in getting him to go with you. I agree that continued neglect is abuse and that it doesn't sound as if you have much of a marriage. As far as the sex for fun is a sin comment maybe try to find out why he believes that. It was after all a fairly common thought in the church at one stage. Sadly though alot of people have views of christianity that are based on incorrect beliefs.

 

[MaraPetra]

I had to read this several times before I felt I had the gist of what was being said between the lines. Bear with me, sweetie, grab some tea, and get ready for a long read.

The first thing I wondered is exactly why your husband is trying to emotionally escape from the situation. The symptoms he displays are thus (not in order of importance):

1. Sexually apathetic
2. Extravagant in money
3. Not interested in spending time with you.
4. Not interested in spending time with the kids.
5. He doesn't communicate with you.
6. He gets absorbed in video games for hours at a time.
7. He's emotionally disengaged, so much to a point that his kids don't want to be around him.
8. He's not paying attention to day-to-day family life, and doesn't participate.
9. He's in denial that there's a problem.

Are there any other issues that I missed in the above list? If there is, let me know. Is he abusing alcohol, smoking a lot, or relying on ephedra or other OTC medications that can give a 'high'?

It's not just him; you both have major problems here. Marriage takes two, and you're trying to do it alone. It's simply impossible to keep a marriage alive in this way. You've ended up becoming a "pursuer", while your husband has become a "distant". Thus, you probably feel like you're living in an emotional wasteland, but still craving that emotional connection.

Does your husband's family have a history of depression? Many of the symptoms above strongly indicate depression. Depression is a silent illness, often manifesting itself in symptoms (such as what you indicated) long before the person admits that there may be a problem. If your husband was a naturally melancholy person when you married, then it just makes the above assumption more logical.

His saying that you're at a stage where you don't need sex and you don't need to spend time together...HUH????? Those are the two building blocks of any marriage. He's basically cut off any and all emotional "togetherness" that you two have. Why would he feel the need to do so? Was he always emotionally distant? Or is this something where depression manifests itself in very physical symptoms?

Only you know what the exact situation is. Look up depression on Google, or WebMD. If that's not the situation, then my apologies, but at this point you may want to research what's going on.

So, let's address divorce in this situation. Your pastor's right; divorce isn't an option that should be invoked simply because the marriage is dead in the water. Abuse, infidelity and spiritual deadness (and in this one, it's only an option if the unbeliever wants to leave) are the only Christian loopholes for divorce. Neglect simply isn't one of those options.

Now, let's say that depression is the likely culprit for your husband...How do you handle that? If the symptoms jive, and you're pretty sure this is the culprit, then get ready. You could always discuss what you've observed with your physician, and see what options are available to your husband. Sometimes, depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, and is treated with medication. For other sources, heavy-duty therapy/counseling may be in order. But in order for anything to happen, you first need to determine exactly what's going on with your spouse.

My prayers for you, hon. I know the situation is hard, but just hang in there and depend on God. He is, of course, the ultimate Physician!

 

[Mayzoo]

Seek a medical evaluation and counseling alone or together. A vow has been made. Total strangers can help you by encouraging counseling only. We know so little of the whole picture, it would be preposterous of us to presume otherwise, and naive of you to accept/inact any advice given by strangers who know virturally nothing of your situation.

 

[Catholic Wife]

Have you considered that you husband may be mildly depressed? Can you talk to his doctor about this possiblity and let the doctor talk to your husband? Is he willing to see a counselor, both together and separately? It's worth a shot before you look into divorce.

 

[AutumnDreamer]

I am assuming that since you came to a christian site for advice, you are looking for biblical advice. Biblically speaking you do not have grounds for divorce and remarriage. Divorce itself is not a sin. The scriptures say you can give your spouse a certificate of divorce, but you must remain unmarried or recocile with your spouse. I agree with looking into depression as a the culprit, another culprit could be diabetes, or even being borderline diabetic.

 

[fulltime]

I have been married for 17 years now and know that marriages have there ups and downs. It sounds like it is making really hard on you and your family. I wih I could say that you should seek counselling before you take a really big step. Ask him to go to counselling and hope for the best. The kids will suffer without two parents. I will pray for your situation.

 

[lin1235]

Another vote for the depression option. If at all possible, get him to a doctor - or even just discuss his symptoms with your family doctor. And get help for yourself. You cannot change him, but you can change how you react to him.

 

[Million Pieces]

Hun, I can identify EXACTLY with what you've described. It's tough all around. My dh has actually seen that his feelings are doing damage, and is actually trying to help solve the problem. He hasnt' been to his doctor yet, but once he began to recognize that he was being hurtful, he made a specific decision to turn his own actions around.

Prayer.

Pray.

Ask God.

Pray some more. It takes time and patience and lots and LOTS of love. I'm so sorry it seems so bleak right now. I hurt so bad for you my Sister. Please send me a Private Message if you'd like to talk more about it or share some moral support.

 

[Momma2H]

I think you guys need some marriage counseling. Sounds like he is disconnected, maybe because of depression or work realted issues. He kind of sounds like my dad. He used to just play video games all night, sleep, and go to work all the time. I would say his and my stepmom's marriage wasn't too good (and still isn't). But, he didn't do those things for no reason, she wasn't all that great of a wife either, always gone all the time, never wanted to be with him, unless she needed money. So there must be two sides of the story. Maybe he's feeling the same way about you that you're feeling about him, but about different things?!?!? I think you should let him know where you stand on this and that you're not happy with your marriage. He can't read your mind and so you need to tell him. Regardless of how bad things seem, he may actually be clueless. Like I said, counseling would be helpful in this situation, IMO.

 

[Carri20]

Divorce is NEVER the answer and frankly I'm shocked that some people who call themselves Christians are encouraging divorce here. You want answers? Read the Bible. God hates divorce.

 

[Momma2H]

Divorce is NEVER the answer and frankly I'm shocked that some people who call themselves Christians are encouraging divorce here. You want answers? Read the Bible. God hates divorce.

Well, I think in some circumstances, divorce is necessary. Like in unequally yoked marriages where one spouse is saved and the other absolutely refuses to get saved and is abusive and has affairs, then that IMO, would be grounds for a divorce. In the OP's situation, I don't think divorce is the answer. There is just lack of communication and that can be fixed.

 

[Athene]

Divorce is NEVER the answer and frankly I'm shocked that some people who call themselves Christians are encouraging divorce here. You want answers? Read the Bible. God hates divorce.

It must be reading the Da Vinci code, it's made me completely morally corrupt . . . and they say books don't affect people.

 

[Carri20]

Well, I think in some circumstances, divorce is necessary. Like in unequally yoked marriages where one spouse is saved and the other absolutely refuses to get saved and is abusive and has affairs, then that IMO, would be grounds for a divorce.

What about the Bible passage that says if your spouse is unsaved you must live with them for as long as they'll live with you? Does the Bible not matter to anyone anymore? We can just toss it aside and make up our own rules to suit our own petty desires, or pick and choose which commands we want to obey? "I think God makes all kinds of exceptions to His laws"? What the heck is happening to Christianity if this is how Christians think??

 

[Athene]

Nevermind.

 

[ImaginaryVoyager]

Well, it's quite clear that divorce is not an acceptable option in this particular case, based on the description in the OP. I think counselling is the obvious next step.

Furthermore, Random, I hope you do not take too seriously anything anyone says here. Nobody knows your situation, and many here haven't even been married a decade, and I don't think there are too many Christian psychologists here. You already spoke with a pastor and he said that divorce is not an option. I hope you weren't coming here for a second opinion.

Finally, I believe marriage is something of value to be fought for. Barring serial adultery or abuse (and this doesn't even come close to abuse) a marriage should be kept together. Christians aren't supposed to just throw in the towel just because times get tough.

 

[Southern Cross]

Your marriage sounds exactly like mine. Many of the circumstances you are describing match what my wife says about me. But... there are two sides to every story. What does your husband feel is lacking in your marriage? What specifically is he unsatisfied with about you? Have there been one or more emotional or physical affairs on either side? Sometimes those things will help give us a bearing on where your relationship stands and make suggestions. I agree with the others though, counseling is definitely in order.

Unless you are willing to go against scripture, divorce is not an option. Emotional and sexual abandonment is not "abuse" unless you subscribe to a very lenient definition of abuse where anything goes. It is either an intentional effort to simply deny you of one of the most important responsibilities a husband can fulfill, or it's a symptom of greater issues (depression, addiction to gaming, etc.) that need to be worked through.

I know when I felt like this towards my wife, I was burned out. I was sick and tired of being required to move mountains at work, tired of the responsibility of providing for a family of six with no help or encouragement, tired of NEVER having any downtime to do things that I enjoyed. So I changed my profession to something I thoroughly enjoy, learned how to do without my wife being proud of me or offering words of encouragement, and I take time for myself occasionally. And what did I learn? Things are definitely better, but I learned my wife has her own issues to work through that have nothing to do with my behavior. While I definitely have grounds for divorce, it has not come to that yet.

Don't give up on your marriage. Don't let another guy occupy even one inch of your heart. Stay with your husband and children and work through this. I want the same things you want. But looking outside of your marriage is not the answer.

I'd also like you to think about throwing the darn computer out the window .

 

[RedTulipMom]

I think youve been given some good advice here. I would talk to your husband and tell him you are not happy with the way things are. Ask him if he would go to marriage counseling with you. I would also see if he would be willing to go see a psychiatrist, it does sound like he is depressed and might need some meds! I would do everything you can to make changes. I know it takes two, but make sure YOU are giving 100%! Dont give up! Things may never be exactly as you want them to be but they can improve with alot of work and effort! Divorce is not the answer! Work it out! Huggs.
karen