Question for men, please, feedback requested

[Sketcher]

It really depends on what's making him cry. If someone close to him just died, that's going to be an entirely different matter than if he were crying over something insignificant. If this guy is a "crier" who will go into tears over just about anything, it is possible that he wants to be left alone because "pity" would make him feel worse. But if he's like I am, it would take a lot - like a death - to make him cry. In that particular case, some commiserating would probably be appropriate. I don't know, I haven't lost anyone recently (and I don't want to). I generally like to be left alone, and if I want someone to help me deal with my feelings, I will ask them. This is inviolable. It doesn't matter what I'm doing on the inside or the outside. Of course, if he's more liable to cry than most guys, he may be more girly and may appreciate the pity you can afford him.

That's a longwinded way of saying I don't know for sure. I'm in my 20's.

 

[Elijah2]

I wasn't talking about any particular man.

I asked this question because I wanted to examine my own behavior, not to "prove a point." I'm beginning to it's Attack Cruz Day.

Edit, after a few minutes to draw some deep breaths, to explain why I just said that.

On my other advice thread, I got attacked and judged for being divorced. Now, one of you has PM'd me again just to inform me that you had posted to this thread, and that I was trying to prove something simply by asking a question for my own education. The same person PM'd me off the divorce thread to tell me how out of God's will I was. I have added that person, first ever, to my ignore list and would like to request he no longer PM me. Thank you.

Well now that you have explained yourself, then we can understand why you have asked a question.

Well, I guess the silence that you got in the earlier part of your thread would indicate that some who read your thread, may have thought the same as me.

What is this person trying to prove?

So, I pray that you weren't offended by what I asked, as I am the person who you are referring to.

 

[cruztacean]

Dear brother Elijah, something (or should I say Someone) caused me to think twice, and to view your post. I have cleared my Ignore list and ask you to please forgive me for overreacting.

By nature I am sweet, sensitive, and affectionate, and if the man I love cries, I can't resist comforting him the way I would comfort one of my children. I'd been told that such affection with a man in pain emasculates him. This caused me to rethink myself, and wonder if it played a part in my divorce. And now that I am beginning to date again, I don't want to mess up. Really there is a connection between the two threads I started.

At this stage, I cannot even really call my new relationship a "relationship." Certainly it has not yet come to any degree of physical affection, and incidentally the gentleman does not strike me as highly emotional. He is apparently the first not-so-much-of-a-crier that I've dated. If such a time ever comes, maybe I'll be able to deal with it without getting all gooey on him.

Thank you, everyone, for your input. God bless.

 

[live4grace]

Warning: I have been at several websites asking men in general this question. I don't know why, but no man seems to want to touch it. However, I need to know, so even though the complete lack of response so far is hurting me, I'm still trying.

So, gentlemen,

If you cry in front of your special lady, would you rather she:

1.) Ignore it/pretend she doesn't see it?
2.) Cuddle, comfort, and fuss over you?
3.) Something else?

Your age group would be helpful, 20's, 30's or whatever, as I'd like to see if there is any connection to between a man's age and how he answers the question.

And while we're at it, can someone PLEASE tell me why men haven't wanted to answer this question so far? It's getting so frustrating I'm honest-to-goodness on the verge of crying myself.

Thank you very much for your help.

Answering your questions LIFO (last in, first out) - men want to talk about crying less than they like doing it AND your options are extremes. That is, I know of few WOMEN (the gender is irrelevant) who would want 1) or 2) because they're both immature and borderline robotic responses. They do NOT deal with the problem. That means men have to answer with 3) which means they have to commit to time to think about it and write down their feelings. Yuck.

Many men have been trained to not cry from childhood so to them, crying is failure and shame so why would they want to talk about that of which they are ashamed? This is by NO means all men. I am thankful to have been raised by a father who wept openly and honestly. I remember his weeping at the death of Martin Luther King Jr. as one of the most dignified, proper acts I've ever experienced.

But here goes. 3) is the only sane anwer, and what I want is for my wife to find out what's wrong and help me deal with it if she can or find out that all she can do is pray and support me if not. When I'm sad or angry generally the outbursts are not thought-out any more than when she is sad or angry. Such is the lion's share of normal emotional expression. That is, rare is the crying session that is preceded by an explanation or verbal instructions articulating its origin.

So the method of getting me to talk about what's eating at me differs and can be frustrating because honestly I don't always know why. But there are definitely places I don't want to go thought-wise. This is more true of anger, but tears are that way too.

But my wife is my best friend and best friends push through in order to touch the deepest part of the hurt. If I'm sad or angry about HER (rare but it happens), it is no mystery. Resolving those things is a matter of constant confession and forgiveness, without which there can be no marriage.

After we've talked and things are out stuff like 2) happens.

Generally we're both fairly complex people and it takes some work to communicate stuff. But that's why God made the most humbling, wonderful institution on the planet - marriage. Some of our most wonderful tears are those we've shed together.

Oh yeah, my age. I'm a geezer.

 

[live4grace]

By nature I am sweet, sensitive, and affectionate, and if the man I love cries, I can't resist comforting him the way I would comfort one of my children. I'd been told that such affection with a man in pain emasculates him. This caused me to rethink myself, and wonder if it played a part in my divorce. And now that I am beginning to date again, I don't want to mess up. Really there is a connection between the two threads I started..

Ok, your husband is NOT your child. That can be a very bad way of thinking and can smother and demean a guy. But I would say that if you are truly sweet, sensitive and affectionate, that it was not the reason for your divorce.

If you are serious about a relationship, even thinking about marriage, you should be able to talk about this stuff openly, preparing each other for stuff to come. And, in times of emotional turmoil, you should be able to ask "what do you want me to do?" and your partner answer, even if he says "I don't know".

At this stage, I cannot even really call my new relationship a "relationship." Certainly it has not yet come to any degree of physical affection, and incidentally the gentleman does not strike me as highly emotional. He is apparently the first not-so-much-of-a-crier that I've dated. If such a time ever comes, maybe I'll be able to deal with it without getting all gooey on him.

Thank you, everyone, for your input. God bless.

Don't worry about the goo. Just be you (hey that rhymes ).

All men cry, even if they only do so inside.

 

[cruztacean]

If you are serious about a relationship, even thinking about marriage....(snip)

I was counseled not to even date a man I wouldn't consider marrying. Whether this is sound advice or not is a whole 'nother question, but it's what I'm following. The relationship is far from serious yet, but I want to be prepared for serious when serious happens.

Don't worry about the goo. Just be you (hey that rhymes ).

Cuuuuuute. Remembering that one.

Answering your questions LIFO (last in, first out) - men want to talk about crying less than they like doing it AND your options are extremes. That is, I know of few WOMEN (the gender is irrelevant) who would want 1) or 2) because they're both immature and borderline robotic responses. They do NOT deal with the problem. That means men have to answer with 3) which means they have to commit to time to think about it and write down their feelings. Yuck....(snip)

I think this may be the most insightful, helpful piece of information I have come across yet. God bless!

 

[CyberPaladin]

a dislocated shoulder? I know women who have given birth and popped their shoulder, the pain of the shoulder is worse. Sometimes, you can't help it.

It still though was a sign of weakness and proved that my father was right all the times called me a wuss, wimp, soft, and nancy.

 

[cruztacean]

It still though was a sign of weakness and proved that my father was right all the times called me a wuss, wimp, soft, and nancy.

Ugh! I disagree very much with your father. I think he must have some sort of masculine insecurity that he projected onto you. Refer to my post saying it's the men who DON'T show their feelings who are the wimps, because they're afraid somebody's going to look down on them.

However, you're not the only one to see it that way. Reportedly, though I can't vouch for the veracity, when Michael J. Fox was doing the hanging stunt in Back to the Future III, the safety mechanism on the noose failed. It took cast and crew a little while to realize that all the flailing around and struggling was not acting. The report goes that when they cut him loose, he was crying and demanding to know why they didn't get him down sooner, but that looking back on the incident later, all he felt was embarrassed that he'd cried in front of everybody. Well, if this story is true, then yegads, I don't blame him for crying. He's not a robot. Neither are you. (No offense to ChrisBot... )

 

[cruztacean]

....I don't know the details of your divorce, but it's a crying shame....

I JUST caught this. Was that pun intentional?

 

[CyberPaladin]

Ugh! I disagree very much with your father. I think he must have some sort of masculine insecurity that he projected onto you. Refer to my post saying it's the men who DON'T show their feelings who are the wimps, because they're afraid somebody's going to look down on them.

I don't think get what the problem is with most the men in the redneck clan that my Dad calls family if your a guy and you let anyone seeing crying outside of a funeral in there minds you are weak it's not whether or not people think you are weak.

 

[live4grace]

...
However, you're not the only one to see it that way. Reportedly, though I can't vouch for the veracity, when Michael J. Fox was doing the hanging stunt in Back to the Future III, the safety mechanism on the noose failed. It took cast and crew a little while to realize that all the flailing around and struggling was not acting. The report goes that when they cut him loose, he was crying and demanding to know why they didn't get him down sooner, but that looking back on the incident later, all he felt was embarrassed that he'd cried in front of everybody. Well, if this story is true, then yegads, I don't blame him for crying. He's not a robot. Neither are you. (No offense to ChrisBot... )

I had never heard this story. Wow.

But as long as your citing movies, and if you want to see into the male soul dealing with emotion, watch George Bailey's inability to communicate in It's a Wonderful Life when he comes home desperate to get the $8000 and his wife is the FIRST person he should be talking to (indeed, when she gets involved, things start getting resolved). Now imagine if he couldn't even cry like he did. The way the inner struggle spills out is incredibly messy.

 

[cruztacean]

I read James Stewart's own remarks on that scene...

The tears were real and unintentional. He, the actor, was just moved by the whole scene, but then the director wanted to work it into the script for real and Stewart of course couldn't duplicate it. So, painstaking editing, zooming every frame in for a closeup...and they ended up with what we now see.

 

[cruztacean]

UPDATE

Earlier I said I cannot call my relationship actually a relationship. That is still true. We are still in the testing-the-waters phase, but everything looks good. How close are we becoming? Well--we're dancing all the way around the L-word, but not actually saying it.

Some of you have advised me to ask the particular man in question what I should do. At the time, I really could not say that there was a particular man in question. I just wanted to know if men in general would feel demeaned by my tendency to fuss over them, and to comfort them when they cry.

The particular man who is now in question, is a king-size mountain of a guy. Both of us are in our 40's. During our most recent chat on the phone, this very subject arose. I was "pickled tink" to hear him say almost word for word what I said earlier: that a braver man will cry than will fear being called weak. I answered that, in my observation, generally, it's the big men who are the criers. I suppose they don't feel they have anything to prove, so it is safer for them to show their feelings. My big bear of a guy tells me he wears his heart on his sleeve.

And the best part is, he's the one who brought the subject up. Reason he did: In the conversation just prior to that one, he'd said something to me that was so sweet it brought me to tears. So this time I lightheartedly promised him I wasn't going to puddle up on him, and he assured me he didn't mind. Then he went directly into this dissertation about men not being "allowed" to show their feelings, and how he thinks that's a bunch of bullfrogs....

I for one would look toward him with far more admiration than I would some unemotional bundle of testosterone.

And continuing the request for advice--men and women--at this point (a month of "testing waters") I am ready to say I love the person I think he is, though I reiterate that neither one of us is saying "that word." What are your thoughts on the speed of a relationship? I think many of mine have failed by moving too fast.

Thank you for your continued prayers for me.

 

[JPH]

Warning: I have been at several websites asking men in general this question. I don't know why, but no man seems to want to touch it. However, I need to know, so even though the complete lack of response so far is hurting me, I'm still trying.

So, gentlemen,

If you cry in front of your special lady, would you rather she:

1.) Ignore it/pretend she doesn't see it?
2.) Cuddle, comfort, and fuss over you?
3.) Something else?

Your age group would be helpful, 20's, 30's or whatever, as I'd like to see if there is any connection to between a man's age and how he answers the question.

And while we're at it, can someone PLEASE tell me why men haven't wanted to answer this question so far? It's getting so frustrating I'm honest-to-goodness on the verge of crying myself.

Thank you very much for your help.

I think it depends on what you are crying about.Are you in pain? Did someone die? Did your wife just deliver your baby?
I cant remember the last time i cried,but it is not something I try to avoid or stop I just havent had an emotional reason that would bring me to tears.
But If i did cry a lil comfort would be fine or I may just want to be alone.It depends on the circumstances.
PEACE

 

[Exiled]

I think it's perfectly acceptable for a man to cry. I was raised during a time when society didn't encourage the display of such emotions. There was also a time when it was thought that men hugging was unacceptable. I think if a man cries he too should be comforted. When I feel like that, talking to someone who will listen is very helpful. For some men, myself included, it's very difficult to cry. It's not because I don't feel like it, but it's because the tears just won't come. I'd probably feel a lot better if I could cry. The last time I did cry, it was 2004 and I was alone. Thank you for asking this question.