Question about your friendships

[Black-bird fly]

Preface - I totally and completely respect your decisions to remain child free!

Now, I do have a few questions. Answer as many as you wish. It would help me work through a friendship thing my husband and I have going on. Thanks.

1. Do you have friends who are parents?
2. Do you find it difficult ot be friends with them?
3. Does it bother you to do things with the parent friends if their children are there?
4. If so do you make the suggestion to do something with just the parents or do you avoid getting together at all?
5. Does it effect the friendship if the parent friends are in a tighter financial situation because they have children and can't go out to get together all the time?

Please feel free to add anything else that may give me some perspective. I'm really at a loss as to what is going on with our only couple friends.

 

[HeyHomie]

1. Do you have friends who are parents?

My closest friendships are with people who are single, and then Mrs. Homie and I are "couples friends" with a childfree couple and a couple who's on the fence. I have friends at church who are parents, but we don't generally socialize outside of church.

2. Do you find it difficult ot be friends with them?
3. Does it bother you to do things with the parent friends if their children are there?
4. If so do you make the suggestion to do something with just the parents or do you avoid getting together at all?
5. Does it effect the friendship if the parent friends are in a tighter financial situation because they have children and can't go out to get together all the time?

I guess I can't really answer these since I don't really socialize with any parents.

 

[Black-bird fly]

Can I ask if it just happened that way or if it was intentional?

 

[LoisGriffin]

1. Do you have friends who are parents? Yes
2. Do you find it difficult ot be friends with them? I tend to avoid at baby stage if they are likely to have the baby with them. Just not comfortable at all around babies. Children are fine.
3. Does it bother you to do things with the parent friends if their children are there? Depends what we are doing. One time I forgot about the child there and swore in front of him. Mostly I will spend time with them away from their children. They enjoy the break and the idea of spending time at a playground without playing on all the stuff myself isnt my idea of fun (I love kids toys).
4. If so do you make the suggestion to do something with just the parents or do you avoid getting together at all? Most of my friends are into having a takeaway and watching a movie or catching up so its pretty easy because the kids can be in bed.
5. Does it effect the friendship if the parent friends are in a tighter financial situation because they have children and can't go out to get together all the time? As the above we are more into meeting at each others homes. It makes things much easier and cheaper. The majority of my friends with children are pretty well off anyway so its us that would consider the costs more a lot of the time. One couple that were really struggling were paid for by others a lot of the time when invited out.

Please feel free to add anything else that may give me some perspective. I'm really at a loss as to what is going on with our only couple friends.

Sorry I am not much help. A lot of my friends are in their 30's so where already pretty financially settled when they had their children. Another thing that helps big time is most stayed normal. Some people change so much when they become parents they expect everyone else to change as well and act weird when the rest of us are still the same.

 

[snoochface]

1. Do you have friends who are parents?

Yes, some with little kids, some with older kids.

2. Do you find it difficult ot be friends with them?

It's a little harder, I think, than with friends who aren't parents. It's harder to arrange getting together because they have to find babysitters, adjust around bedtimes, school activities, etc., or they take the kids with them which is bothersome to me.

But overall it's just a different kind of work than other friendships where you might have to adjust for someone's work schedule, drinking problem, obnoxious laugh, etc.

3. Does it bother you to do things with the parent friends if their children are there?

Very much so. We avoid these situations as much as we possibly can. Even when we're looking for small groups at church, we try to find ones where kids won't be present. They are a distraction from the adult companionship, they get bored easily, I have to watch my language and subject matter, and it's just not as much fun at all.

4. If so do you make the suggestion to do something with just the parents or do you avoid getting together at all?

It depends on the couple. There are some that you know are going to bring their kids no matter what, and those we just avoid a lot of the time. There are some who we suggest going places that would be inappropriate for kids -- like to a bar for karaoke or something -- which gets the message across.

5. Does it effect the friendship if the parent friends are in a tighter financial situation because they have children and can't go out to get together all the time?

Sometimes. With some people, I just understand, that's how it is, and if I want to see my friends I know I'll have to adjust, like go over to their house and be around the kids for the evening. With others, I think unfortunately the friendship can diminish or even die a natural death.

Most of the time this has less to do with financial hardship than it does a shift in priorities. Understandably, the parents' priority, both with their time and their money, is going to be on their new family. That's fine, I get that, but it will sometimes mean that friendships fall by the wayside or become much more casual than close.

 

[HeyHomie]

Can I ask if it just happened that way or if it was intentional?

It just worked out that way. We didn't deliberately seek out singles or other childfree couples to be friends with -- it just worked out that way.

 

[Black-bird fly]

Thanks for sharing everyone. Sadly, I fear I am at the beginning of the end with a friendship. I have an intense oldest daughter and it makes me sad but I think I am loosing this girlfriend of over 8 years because my daughter is so intense and we don't currently have the financial means to pay a sitter to watch 3 children for a couple of hours and still go out to eat. Just makes me sad. The husband has been friends with my husband since they were in Jr. High and are now in their 30s.

 

[127.0.0.1]

Thanks for sharing everyone. Sadly, I fear I am at the beginning of the end with a friendship. I have an intense oldest daughter and it makes me sad but I think I am loosing this girlfriend of over 8 years because my daughter is so intense and we don't currently have the financial means to pay a sitter to watch 3 children for a couple of hours and still go out to eat. Just makes me sad. The husband has been friends with my husband since they were in Jr. High and are now in their 30s.

Don't give up hope. Usually where there's a will there's a way. Maybe you can't pay a sitter, but everyone needs a break. When I was a kid my parents would have me stay with my grandparents for maybe a week or so. They lived across the state...so I was quite a ways away. Just a thought. At any rate, kids get older. Besides, email can be good sometimes.

 

[Rembrandtfan]

1. Do you have friends who are parents? Yes, but most of them have older or adult children. My closest friends are either single, childless/childfree, or empty-nesters.

2. Do you find it difficult ot be friends with them? It is difficult with people who have small children because they have to find babysitters or bring the children along. Or they have to try to fit you into their busy schedules. It is difficult because we are each in different phases of life, and it's hard to make it work effectively.

3. Does it bother you to do things with the parent friends if their children are there? I don't have a problem with them bringing children as long as the children are not disruptive, but oftentimes they are. I don't like trying to have an adult conversation with children constantly interrupting, or making the time unpleasant by throwing a tantrum.

4. If so do you make the suggestion to do something with just the parents or do you avoid getting together at all? I usually avoid getting together because I am afraid if I suggest "adults only" they will be offended or think I'm being unreasonable.

5. Does it effect the friendship if the parent friends are in a tighter financial situation because they have children and can't go out to get together all the time? No. I don't think we have to do something that costs money. Just getting together to talk or play games is good enough for me.

 

[Rebekka]

1. Do you have friends who are parents?
Yes.

2. Do you find it difficult ot be friends with them?
Yes. I think we will grow apart further, the older the children get and/or the more children they have, because they don't have much time for us anymore and our lives are so different. Also, when people become parents, their interests seem to change drastically. I don't really have much in common with one of my parent friends anymore; the other one is such a recent parent (a month ago) that I can't tell yet.

3. Does it bother you to do things with the parent friends if their children are there?
It doesn't bother me if the children are at home and we visit them, but I don't like it if they bring their children with them to our house. We don't have toys, and usually children don't like my food and I don't have enough energy and cooking space to cook another meal especially for the children, and there are other practical problems so the thought of children visiting us stresses me out. I also realise that it is difficult for the parents to leave their children at home (with a babysitter or something) so I don't see my childed friends very often (also because of distance).
I hardly see my friend at other places than her home or our home. I'm not good with children so unless they are quiet/in bed I usually don't like it when they're present.

Another reason why I'm not a fan of children being there is that I don't find them very interesting, and ignoring them is not polite. They tend to interrupt conversations on a constant level (especially my niece and nephew) and I have a hearing problem, so that makes conversation with the parent (my friend) very difficult.

4. If so do you make the suggestion to do something with just the parents or do you avoid getting together at all?
I avoid getting together at all, I'm afraid. The children are so small, the parents take them with them anyway.

5. Does it effect the friendship if the parent friends are in a tighter financial situation because they have children and can't go out to get together all the time?
No - my husband and I are in a tight situation too. But their not having time for pre-parenthood friends does affect the friendship. And when their interests change (can only talk about the children anymore), that affects it too.

 

[desmalia]

1. Do you have friends who are parents?
Yes, most.

2. Do you find it difficult to be friends with them?
No.

3. Does it bother you to do things with the parent friends if their children are there?
No, though usually we plan adult things so the kids aren't involved much. If they always were, I suppose it could be uncomfortable at times possibly.

4. If so do you make the suggestion to do something with just the parents or do you avoid getting together at all?
We're still trying to find things we can all do together and until then we won't do much other than Bible Study/Small Group stuff.

5. Does it effect the friendship if the parent friends are in a tighter financial situation because they have children and can't go out to get together all the time?
Wouldn't know since our financial situation is no better than theirs.

 

[StLGirl]

1. Do you have friends who are parents?
I do, but I find most of them have kids that are school-aged. If not they are more like casual acquaintances.

2. Do you find it difficult ot be friends with them?
If the kids are toddlers or babies, yeah at times. But it depends on the person. I have 2 neighbors - one has an almost 2-year old and she's interesting, well-rounded and has a lot to say. The other one who has wanted nothing but to be pregnant and after 2 years is, but all she does is talk about the baby, the pregnancy dominates every aspect of her and her husbands life. She has no other interests in life. I avoid her now.

3. Does it bother you to do things with the parent friends if their children are there?
Not if the kids are well-behaved. I quit a friendship over the mother trying to "negotiate" with her 4-year old about a toy. She would have given into his fit but she had no money. We spent 45 embarassing minutes in there. The kid was BAD. She got angry but she didn't put her foot down and bought him another toy! He basically dictated EVERYTHING. If we had plans and he "didn't wanna" then we did what HE chose and I HAD to go along! Most friends with kids are fine by me though, because the parents I'm friends with now make sure they behave.

4. If so do you make the suggestion to do something with just the parents or do you avoid getting together at all?
Usually the parents of school-aged kids are easy, we do stuff like lunch during the day or plan ahead "girls night out" etc. It's not all that often but it happens more than I'd expect.

5. Does it effect the friendship if the parent friends are in a tighter financial situation because they have children and can't go out to get together all the time?
I'm not sure because we don't have a lot more finances than some of the friends. In fact I feel like they spend more than I do. I choose to spend my funds on college and traveling, they go to Longaberger and Pampered-Chef parties and expensive lunches so actually I feel it's harder on me. Now, the couple across the street, the one who is pregnant and obsessed, we used to hang out some with them, but she decided she prefers sitting at home all night. Now that she is pregnant, she basically does nothing if it's not baby-oriented or just running errands. We don't hang out anymore, that's too bad. I know that their finances are an issue, but now that the baby is on the way ALL finances are for BABY only. So no more going out for fun or doing anything "frivilous". If it's not pregnancy related, it's "frivilous" by the way.

Otherwise I can honestly find cheap things to do. I'm on a budget so if a childed friends needs cheap then I have no trouble accomodating that. I don't need someone to have a lot of money to be my friend.

I know this is a bit late of a reply, hope it helps.

 

[RedheadedPrincess]

1. Do you have friends who are parents? I would say over half of my friends now have kids. Each year it becomes more as friends start their families.

2. Do you find it difficult ot be friends with them? No, most of my friends I have had in my life since middle school, high school, or college. I made good long lasting friendships with the people long before the kids came around.

3. Does it bother you to do things with the parent friends if their children are there? No, as long as I can have some adult only time with them sometimes too. I understand babysitters are hard to find and cost money. My friends also have well behaved children and love being parents. I am happy for them and I love their kids. Most of my friends kids call me aunt because we are that close. I may not want my own but a few hours with well behaved children does not hurt me.

4. If so do you make the suggestion to do something with just the parents or do you avoid getting together at all? I definitely don't avoid getting together, I might ask my girlfriend if her husband can watch the kids so the two of us can have a girls nights.

5. Does it effect the friendship if the parent friends are in a tighter financial situation because they have children and can't go out to get together all the time? Now that I am going through a divorce I am in a tough spot financially, but most of my friends are just starting families so they are not well off. We usually watch the money when we go out, and this has never been a problem. I don't think you should ever let money come between friends.

 

[RedheadedPrincess]

Thanks for sharing everyone. Sadly, I fear I am at the beginning of the end with a friendship. I have an intense oldest daughter and it makes me sad but I think I am loosing this girlfriend of over 8 years because my daughter is so intense and we don't currently have the financial means to pay a sitter to watch 3 children for a couple of hours and still go out to eat. Just makes me sad. The husband has been friends with my husband since they were in Jr. High and are now in their 30s.

I know you would love to do things as a couple but since you can't afford a sitter. Maybe you and your husband could take turns going out with your friends and then the other one could watch your daughter. I know it is not the greatest option, but it may allow you to save the relationships. You could do girls night and guys night, instead of couples night. Just a thought for you of something you could try.