Question about talking with your spouse

[Nico]

I'm not married, but I'm dating and I'm troubled by something in our relationship.

I'm a talker--not a chatter or a mindless gabber, but I'm someone who bonds through talking with another person. Such talking can range from the banal to the profound, and that's how I sense a connectivity with that person. I enjoy talking about philospohy, religion, fears, joys, values, funny stories about the day....I admit that my topics of interest do tend toward the more intellectual and "deep", but I don't mind fun banter.

Anyway, I don't feel that my boyfriend and I talk that much. I love the idea of talking for hours, over a bottle of wine, about a fantastic book we just read, what we're looking for in our jobs, a new philosopher I just learned of, whatever. We'll have conversations about such things, but they normally last for about 10 minutes. I also understand his need to "decompress" after work, so if on nights that we're hanging out, low-key, and say he picks me up on his way home from work, I don't mind sitting in silence for awhile so that he can just decompress. But there's not really much discourse, even after the decompression.

And I guess I feel unfulfilled. The thing is, I'm trying to think back over my past relationships and often I find that it was missing there as well.

I'm just confused. I'm dating, and in dating I'm trying to discern whether or not the man I'm dating is someone I would like to marry. I enjoy my bf's company dearly. He has many fantastic qualities, but I this sense of intellectual stimulation is sorta missing. I'm trying to discern if this is a dealbreaker for me.

I don't know quite what I'm asking, per se, but do you and your spouse still talk? Even after 3, 7, 25 years of marriage? I want to be 80 and still talking about life with my husband....

 

[bliz]

We've been married for 30 years, and we still have a lot to talk about. We don;t HAVE to talk - being together and not talking is also nice... but we can still talk for hours.

If this is the primary way to express yourself, find a guy who loves to talk with you.

 

[oliveplants]

After 10 years, we talk a lot. About everything from day-to-day to church discipline and history and doctrine.

I wouldn't make a deal with someone I couldn't talk to.
The days we miss each other (scheduling problems, mostly) I feel very alone. Friends are nice (why I'm here), but there has to be that level of intimacy for me in my marriage.

 

[Evangelina]

Could it be that you haven't hit on topics that interest him (or that he knows much about), so he hasn't had much to say?

 

[Rebekka]

We've been married for 30 years, and we still have a lot to talk about. We don;t HAVE to talk - being together and not talking is also nice... but we can still talk for hours.

If this is the primary way to express yourself, find a guy who loves to talk with you.

I agree with bliz, if talking is so very important to you, this might become a dealbreaker. But maybe your boyfriend has other qualities that make up for this.

My husband and I talk a lot. It's what attracted me to him in the first place, we fell in love because of the great and deep conversations we had. Personally, I wouldn't have married him if he and I hadn't "clicked" so well in the communication department, because for me talking is one of the most important things in our marriage, perhaps even the most important thing.

 

[Ari5]

We've been married for 16 years this month. When we were dating we talked a ton, staying up till 1 or 2 am talking. Now my husband can go from talking most of the night to sometimes not much at all. I feel very disconnected when we don't talk, & he knows this. So much that when I had attention from another, I just soaked it up which caused some problems.

So, I would make him aware of your need to talk, sometimes guys feel after they have been with you awhile they don't need to pour out the affection as much. It is a constant work in progress. But I'd make sure you express your feelings, if he really wants to make it work he will make the effort to work on it.

One of the things we discovered is my husband is a boss at his job & he is talking all day, so when he gets home sometimes he is talked out. Us women can just keep going in our talking, with men they have a limited amount of words for the day. I'd say it is a give & take, sometimes talk & other times I have to learn to be quiet. Ari

 

[Filina]

Sometime you have a man who does all the talking.

When and if you try to share your point of view he is not really interested.
This kind of situation too it's hard to manage.

 

[Digit]

Myself and my fiance had similar concerns when we were first getting to know each. We had a long distance relationship, actually we met online in a computer game, and started talking over MSN, then Skype then webcams. We used to spend a lot of time talking on the weekends. On Saturday in particular we talked to each other for 15 hours straight. That sort of blew my mind, especially because our average chat time was around 4-8 hours each weekend.

We were very worried that after we got together in real life, we would have nothing left to talk about. Luckily, this has not been the case. In fact, if anything, we talk more now. So I think it's very important to have really good communication

Digit

 

[Robinsegg]

It's been said that while men have about 5,000 words per day, women have about 12,000. Which means a man can easily get "talked out" at work and have no desire to talk when home, while the woman still has 7,000 words to go! lol
What I'd say about this, though, is that if this is an issue you can't talk to him about, you shouldn't consider him marriage material for you. Husband and wife should be able to approach any situation (in a pleasant way) with each other and be able to figure out a solution. If you feel uncomfortable speaking to him about your feelings on this, move on.
Similarly, if you bring it up and he won't talk to you about it, or won't make an attempt to help you get what you need, don't marry him.

If, however, you bring it up to him, and he tries to help you hash out some kind of solution, you have something to build on.

Rachel

 

[LynnMcG]

Every couple is different. And everyone has different needs. Make sure you're clear about your communication needs!

As for us, we've always been talkers. We'll be together 17 years this May, married for 12 and we do still talk, alot.

 

[Nico]

Thanks so much for all the thoughtful replies.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that discourse is how I measure intimacy. I think it's a dealbreaker thing for me.

One thing that's great about him is that he's a fantastic listener. But so far, the sustained discourse is lacking.

I told him last night about wanting to have a conversation about having conversations. I also told him I wanted to talk about our respective desires for a spouse. He's very willing to have such a conversation, which is great. But he's crazy busy at work and we probably won't be able to have a good old fashioned conversation till next week.

He emailed me some very sweet things today to let me know he's thinking of me, which I appreciate.

And I appreciate his willingness to talk about it and see if we can make this work. However, if it's just not in his nature to have good long talks, then I really don't think that this can continue.....

 

[Robinsegg]

One thing that might help is if you both read The Five Love Languages by Chapman, and then discuss which each of you think fits you best. That way, you can each try to "speak the others' language".
Rachel

 

[ranyhyn]

While I do find that communication is an extremely important part of marriage I don't think it's the make or break part. Now don't get me wrong...if that's what is the single most important aspect of the relationship to you then that's your prerogative.

My wife and I, before we met in person, used to spend quite a bit of time talking on the phone. Since we've been married we probably don't talk as much as we used to but we do find time to talk about the important issues.

He has indicated that he's willing and you admit that he's a good listener. Which would you prefer? Someone who listens or someone who just wants to talk all the time? People are usually one or the other. Either they like to talk and not listen or they listen and are people of few words. I tend to think that those who are patient listeners are great thinkers and when they do speak it's usually pretty profound.

As someone suggested...perhaps the common ground for conversation material hasn't been met yet. Without knowing how long you've been in this relationship it may be hard to ascertain things. I'm am in no way suggesting that you continue the relationship if you feel that the conversation aspect is the main issue. If it's something that you cannot manage to make it through then by all means it's better to end it now then to become miserable later on.

I certainly hope that the two of you can work out the issue and continue a healthy relationship

 

[MaidforHim]

Have you tried telling your boyfriend what you just shared here? Does he know that conversation is important to you?

I think more women in general enjoy this type of conversation then men. Which is not to say that no men enjoy it, I just think more women do.

Both my husband and I get in moods where we like to talk or we don't. Those moods don't always coincide with eachother. He might be in the mood to chat, I might not, and vica versa.

On top of that the topics we enjoy discussing are not necessarily the same either.

We still talk, sometimes I do more listening to things I am less interested in and I learn something. And sometimes he does more listening to things he's not so interested in and he learns something. Even if we're just learning things about eachother it's good!

However, I think we both try not to overwhelm each other if one of us is not in the mood to talk. Otherwise you get this mind numbing conversation that seems to drone on and on. You might be interested at some other time, but if your mind is preocupied with other things and you aren't really able to take in the conversation it's nice if your partner can just sit with you and enjoy the peace and quiet too.

Sometimes we do like to talk about the same things and sometimes we are both in the mood to talk. That's fun

I think as long as you can be flexible and understanding of eachother and still get some of what you each enjoy your doing alright. If he never engages you in these meaningful conversations you enjoy then I'd see a warning flag.

I would suggest telling your BF how you feel about things. He may be unaware. Who knows, maybe he'll share some things that make him feel connected that your unaware of.

 

[Nico]

Again, I really appreciate all of the thoughtful insight here.

I have shared with him my concern over our lack of discourse, but have not gone into great detail about it--i.e. how important it is to me and why. We had a 5 second conversation about it last night. I had expressed my desire to have a thoughtful conversation about these issues--when he's less overwhelmed with work. He expressed that he's willing to have such a conversation, but he wants me to realize that he's a listener. And sometimes he's a talker, but mostly he's a listener.

They dynamic between us is odd in this regard. While I bond through talking, I'm not a gabber, not a droner. So I'll bring up a topic: "how's that book going?", "what are you hoping for in your job search" and if I get a more flat answer, I won't push the issue. And silence ensues. Until the next question is brought up, usually not on the same issue, so issues are addressed, but not in depth. And thus, I do not have a sense of engaged conversation.

Part of the problem, I realize, is me--I guess I'm not good at asking the right questions to engage someone. I'm actually an introvert, and I think it is for that reason that engaged conversation is important to me, for the thoughts I have about life are revealed through intimate conversation--which does not happen for me with everyone, therefore, I see it as a sign of intimacy.

I like conversations where there is thoughtful engagement, a back and forth. If he's thoughtfull, but more of a listener, and I'm not a prober, then perhaps, while we have a wonderful time together and think the world of each other, we are mismatched....

 

[michaelishere]

Anyway, I don't feel that my boyfriend and I talk that much. I love the idea of talking for hours, over a bottle of wine, about a fantastic book we just read, what we're looking for in our jobs, a new philosopher I just learned of, whatever. We'll have conversations about such things, but they normally last for about 10 minutes. I also understand his need to "decompress" after work, so if on nights that we're hanging out, low-key, and say he picks me up on his way home from work, I don't mind sitting in silence for awhile so that he can just decompress. But there's not really much discourse, even after the decompression.

And I guess I feel unfulfilled. The thing is, I'm trying to think back over my past relationships and often I find that it was missing there as well.

I'm just confused. I'm dating, and in dating I'm trying to discern whether or not the man I'm dating is someone I would like to marry. I enjoy my bf's company dearly. He has many fantastic qualities, but I this sense of intellectual stimulation is sorta missing. I'm trying to discern if this is a dealbreaker for me.

I don't know quite what I'm asking, per se, but do you and your spouse still talk? Even after 3, 7, 25 years of marriage? I want to be 80 and still talking about life with my husband....

Nico ....

I've been married for a little over 4 years and my wife and I have recently been talking to each other about this. You mentioned spending time with your bf after he gets off work ... are you also working or have you been home all day? I ask because my wife is home all day with our 7 year old, and when I come home, she is ready to really talk with an adult. Like your bf, I often like to decompress after work, and I like the idea of just sitting alone together and not having to say much ... I need that.

But, having said that, I also think it is very important to sit together, without any distractions (no tv, etc) to have some "in depth" conversation. I have found from experience, that in most cases we need to set a time each day (if possible) to talk. Make it part of your day just like having dinner. It helps keep us close.

On another side of this, I think this is something that the two of you can work out, but it needs to be adressed before you get married. As you know, communication is extremely important in a marriage, and if he is unable to communicate with you in a way that meets your needs now, it won't get any better after you're married.

My advice is to try to find some quality time (not after he gets off work) and try to develop the ability to really communicate with each other.

I do wish you the best!

 

[Nico]

I, admittedly, am not currently working. I'm a student and stay home all day writing my thesis.....

I do probably need to re-adjust some expectations, and not expect great conversations after a long work day (and he works hard, long hours). The thing that's tugging at me is the fact that even in the moments where one isn't decompressing from the work day--a weekend, for example, the conversation's still not as stimulating as I'd like.

Well. I shall keep you posted. We'll be having a conversation about it later, when he has time and his work has calmed down....

 

[Evangelina]

Maybe you could sit down and think of some questions to ask him about something you know interests him... something he's passionate about. Ask how he got interested in it, what he'd like to do with it, etc. And try to avoid too many extremely open-ended questions like, "how's that going?". For some people this is nowhere near specific enough and causes 'blank mind' syndrome where they can't think of a single thing to say... whereas a more specific question (or 2 or 3) would bring forth a flood of information. More effort for the questioner, of course... requires a lot of knowledge and interest in the person!

 

[Digit]

Hey Nico, something I should have thought of earlier, which we got shown during our Marriage Preparation course, is the Johari Window.

This could probably help you quite a lot, because it's about a cycle of disclosure and feedback. It basically breaks down what we know about ourselves, each other, and the unkown things into a manageble visual square. Then it clearly shows that in order to grow as a couple, you need to not only disclose things, but also to receive feedback.

There are things which both partners know.
There are things which only our partner knows about us.
Things which we know about us but they do not.
and lastly - Things which we do not know, and are hidden in our subconscious as well as being hidden from our partner.

Give the link a read, and see if it helps. I actually found this really helpful when chatting to my fiance, because often as another poster rightly pointed out above, she would talk and contribute more to a subject than I would. Perhaps I would agree by saying, "Yeah." or something, yet I would have thoughts about it that extended beyond just 'yeah'. This helped me realise I needed to voice those thoughts, and actually contribute.

All very interesting. Your guy sounds like a really nice person, and I'm very glad he is keen to talk to you about these things. I too was very busy with work once, and I know how much it sucks having something like that between you. So my thoughts are with you both.

Cheers!
Digit

P.S. The Johari window is called as such because it was invented by two people, one called Joseph, one called Harry. I love simple things like that.