question about returning to husband

[praisehim79]

Hi everyone , my name is Layla and I'm still pretty new to the board. I have a question I am struggling with. I recently left my husband who I am now realizing was very abusive towards me. Not only emotianal abuse but physical punishment and isolation as well. I'm staying with family now and getting counseling. However my husband calls me continously , sometimes he asks me nicely to come home, other times not so nicely, but last night he said that he made a mistake and is willing to talk about it if only I come home and give him a second chance. He said he has fasted for a week and he believes it is god's plan for us to be married. It all sounds good but I am afraid also I dont ever want to be treated like that again. I think he deserves to be alone and I don't want to end up abused. I get all kinds of mixed messages, my sister and deacons at the new church tell me that I need to stay away from a abusive relationship like that. My husband his members from his church are saying I need to forgive him and give marriage a second chance. Plus when we took our vows, I vowed to be with him 'till death do us part. Im very confused, what do you all think or has anyone been in this situation before? God bless and thanks

 

[Wakeup2god]

My opinion is that if your husband wants you back and admits he's in the wrong he should agree to counseling (Christian). Aslo he / both of you should be accountable to a church leader. If he's as sorry as he's making out he won't mind laying his cards on the table for people to see. That will make him accountable for his actions in the future.

If he isn't willing to do most anything to get you back he doesn't deserve you. It's not a lesson in humiliation but more a lesson in humility and repentance. If he refuses to adress the issue then stay away. Nothing gives him the right to abuse you in any way.

Hope things work out.

 

[Lorie]

Now wait a minute.

u tell him that if he leaves the crazy church he is involved with and get some counseling (not from a church) and after a year you will re evaluate what you should do. if you go back now u are crazy!!! this sounds like a minipulation trick to me!

You have come so far DONT TURN BACK NOW!

 

[heartnsoul]

Layla, from what you described to us in your last thread, your husband is physically and mentally abusive, not to mention he is mentally disturbed. For your mental and physical safety, STAY AWAY FROM HIM!!!

Keep going forward in your life and never look back. Seriously consider getting yourself some counseling to heal from the trauma of what just happened. Even you are not in the right mental state of mind to have ANY kind of relationship right now. Take time out for yourself to heal...please.

Change your phone number, cut off all communication with him. Get a restraining order on him and file for a divorce.

I also hope you join a good church and take two years out to strengthen your relationship with God. You need to learn who God is and what is a godly marriage. Please make the commitment to yourself to heal and renew your relationship to God. I believe if you could commit yourself to do these things and take time out, you will have a new perspective on what a healthy life is all about. May God give you the strength and love so you can learn to love yourself more. God bless.

 

[bliz]

He is your husband and he therefore should be given a second chance.

That second chance starts right now, while you continue to live with family. Will he go to counseling with you to a counselor of your choice? Is he willing to see you in public places only? Is he willing to make changes in his life? All of those things need to happen before you can even think about moving back in with him. Expecting those things to happen before you move back is part of giving him a second chance.

 

[Katydid]

Lorie, I agree with you.

For those of us who saw your last post, we can't imagine you going back until at least two things happen.

1. He needs to leave that church and attend somewhere else.

2. He needs to go to counseling.

Sorry if we seem harsh, but I believe many of us feel very close to your situation and want what is best for you. I know that you have been in my prayers and will remain in my prayers. I would also suggest that you not speak to him except on your terms, to avoid the emotional abuse. I think you should set up a specific time for him to call maybe twice a week. And then only if he agrees to the two stipulations stated earlier. I know you want to do what is right, and I commend you for that, but your safety is very important to us. Be strong and listen to the deacons at your church, they know, and have probably dealt with situations like this before.

 

[Jenna]

I agree with bliz. While I know that it is great to get input from people, also remember that the Lord's will is what really counts. So, please spend a lot of time praying and going through God's Word. He will not abandon you through this trial. *hugs*

 

[Flipper]

After reading what you wrote, my first instinct is to tell you to run away as fast as you can and not look back.

However, if you want to try saving this marriage (though you are more than justified to just leave), I would stipulate that he get counselling on your terms, and for a long enough period of time to satisfy you that he won't ever abuse you again. To be honest, if I were in your shoes, a year or longer separation with him in counselling might be the bare minimum. You would need to be completely comfortable without any doubt he would abuse you again for you to move back in - and you should take a lot more than his puny assertions. If he doesn't agree with those terms, then back to my first instinct, which is to run.

I am very afraid that if you just move back in with him now, we might be hearing about your funeral.

Even if you want to work it out, please call your local courthouse about getting a restraining order. You said he hit you, and can be threatening - he doesn't even have to hit you to be threatening. You need to protect yourself right now, and that is one way to start doing that. If he really wants to work things out, he will honor it. Your yellow pages should give a hotline for abused spouses - it will also have directions to get a restraining order. If you don't do anything else, please at least do that.

 

[heartnsoul]

Also, I think your husband isn't ready for any relationship either right now. He needs to get himself some serious counseling too. Like others have said, he needs to quit the church he's going to and enroll himself in a state-mandated "Anger Management" class for men that are physically abusive towards women.

Our concern is more for you because your personal safety is at risk right now. You can even call the hotline number for women who have had physical abuse. A support group would probably do you some good so you can begin healing.

Do everything you can to protect yourself. Instead of emailing us, you should be calling the police and getting a restraining order. We will be praying for you.

 

[Yitzchak]

You should follow the advice of the people who are helping you at your new church. I think also I remember that your sister is helping you. It is extremely difficult to be objective for someone in your situation. You are experiencing all kinds of emotions which make that difficult. So lean on the wisdom of those who have helped you thus far.

 

[InTheFlame]

*huggggggggggg*

Layla, I suspect you promised to LOVE him till death do you part... not to be physically with him always (that'd be pretty hard). That might sound like splitting hairs, but I believe sometimes we have to remove ourselves from a person's bad behaviour so that they realise that it's not acceptable. It doesn't sound as though you've decided that the marriage is irrevocably ended, after all - but you're willing to do whatever you can do to make sure your marriage is healthy and Godly.

I think the fact that he said he's willing to work things out is good. However, HE needs to prove to YOU that he's changing things for the better, before you let him back into your life in any significant way.

This church he belongs to - is it an independent? Or is it part of a denomination? Is there any human hierarchy above this church who you can contact? I'm thinking that if it's a member of a denomination and it's gone off the rails, its own denomination will be able to do something... sack the minister, send someone else in to run the men's group, etc.

You've seemed really strong and determined so far - I'm impressed! I'm praying for both of you.

 

[Jennifer615]

Layla, I beg you, don't get back with this man!!!!!!! Abusive men like that will say ANYTHING to get you back! They will go through the motions, conjour up tears, make endless promises, pretend to be humble and say and do anything to break you and get you back. I promise you, it will not last for long. Once you are back in that studio, the rules will be tougher and he will probably put a lock on the outside of the door and lock you in all day!!

I left my ex-husband because of mental, emotional and spiritual abuse. He was not as bad as your husband. When I finally plucked up the courage to leave, he did the same thing. I moved into my parents house with our 3yo daughter and at first he was furious, quoting scripture to me and getting as many people on his side as possible. He then started the waterworks, promising he would be a better husband. He firstly went to a Christian psychologist and told me she changed his outlook and he had changed. We would date, and his true colours would always reappear. He then joined a Christian men's accountability group (would I would strongly recommend for your husband), and told me that had changed the way he thought, but again, his true colours would reappear. I was separated from him for 3 years before I divorced him. I am so glad I didn't listen to some fundamental Christians and go back to him as that would have been a disaster.

If there is any hope for your husband to change, he would have to go to counselling or a Christian men's accountability group for at the very least, 1 year, preferably 2 years. He would have to be completely changed from the inside out, which would be evident to you over a long period of time (don't forget, my ex could play the part for a while, then his true colours would always come out). His mind would need to be completely renewed. I also believe he needs psychiatric help too. I don't think counselling alone would be sufficient. Saying to you "sorry, I'll be better next time" isn't enough! He needs to completely understand all he did to you and the extreme damage it caused you. Needless to say, he would need to have nothing more to do with his church, as they are cheering him on!

I think there may be one or two people on this thread who haven't read your last thread, and don't know your situation. Also, Layla, be careful about taking advice from some fundamental Christians, who are legalistic and who would probably say that if he killed you, it would be for God's glory, because you obeyed the scriptures. Those Christians exist, as you would know. There is, however, alot of very good advice here.

I think you should just work on yourself and your relationship with God, and for the near future, keep away from your husband, and for the long term, require him to prove to you that his heart, soul and mind has completely been renewed and he is completely repentant of what he did to you. If he will one day be genuine, then he can wait 2 years to prove it to you.

God bless you, Layla. Please keep us posted.

 

[Wakeup2god]

I think you should just work on yourself and your relationship with God, and for the near future, keep away from your husband, and for the long term, require him to prove to you that his heart, soul and mind has completely been renewed and he is completely repentant of what he did to you. If he will one day be genuine, then he can wait 2 years to prove it to you.

God is able.

Now as the only man here I risk being stoned by the angry mob!

Having read this thread through I'd say there's been some emotional nonsense spoken but mostly lots of good advice. Many have judged his church for a start. Do any of us seriously believe for one moment that this man has stood up at his church and told them the whole truth of how he has treated our sister. I doubt it. If someone in your fellowship confessed to a similar sin you wouldn't back him would you?

First thing Layla needs to do is get settled in a safe environment with lots of love and support so she can get her head round what's going on, looks like that's happening. Secondly as time passes decide does she want to go back to him, not as he was, that's not an option. If she decides she wants to work at it then look at what state of mind he is in and take it from there. Flipper gave good advice.

This is a marriage we're discussing, it's sometimes too easy to just tear up the papers and walk away. OK, I'll duck and run now.

 

[heartnsoul]

God is able.

Now as the only man here I risk being stoned by the angry mob!

Having read this thread through I'd say there's been some emotional nonsense spoken but mostly lots of good advice. Many have judged his church for a start. Do any of us seriously believe for one moment that this man has stood up at his church and told them the whole truth of how he has treated our sister. I doubt it. If someone in your fellowship confessed to a similar sin you wouldn't back him would you?

First thing Layla needs to do is get settled in a safe environment with lots of love and support so she can get her head round what's going on, looks like that's happening. Secondly as time passes decide does she want to go back to him, not as he was, that's not an option. If she decides she wants to work at it then look at what state of mind he is in and take it from there. Flipper gave good advice.

This is a marriage we're discussing, it's sometimes too easy to just tear up the papers and walk away. OK, I'll duck and run now.

You can run, but you can't hide from us!
All kidding aside though, before you jump to conclusions on this thread, I would encourage you (and others who have NOT read her first thread from a week ago) to go and read all the posts completely before responding to this thread. Here is the link: http://www.christianforums.com/t1233484-i-need-advice-from-christians.html

This is not just about a minor marriage squabble. This is an ungodly marriage that presents serious personal safety issues for Layla. I would caution that you also keep in mind of the good possibility of her getting killed by her husband. I would also encourage you to read up on physical abuse so you have a complete understanding of the dangers involved. Understand that many of us on this forum are in support of *godly* marriages, not *ungodly* marriages. There is a BIG difference between the two.

 

[Wakeup2god]

OK thanks for enlightening me I do appologise if I've offended anyone.

The man seems to be mentally ill! Either he's just wacko and in his madness interprets what he hears at the mens group to mean 'treat your wife like an animal or less' or he's a member of a cult! I'd say probably the first and that he's not being honest while there.

Anyhow, in view of this new evidence I'd say stay well away unless the Lord does miraculously renew this mans mind. And even then I'd still leave him to the Lord. Sounds like he's got a life time of healing needs doing. Makes you wonder what makes him that way.

 

[Diane_Windsor]

Not only emotianal abuse but physical punishment and isolation as well. I'm staying with family now and getting counseling. However my husband calls me continously , sometimes he asks me nicely to come home, other times not so nicely, but last night he said that he made a mistake and is willing to talk about it if only I come home and give him a second chance.

I can't count the number of times I've heard this coming from abused women-"he promised me that he'd never hit me again if I gave him a second chance." Then a week after they get back together with their abuser they end up in the hospital. Then of course their abuser will plead again, etc.

For your own safety stay away from your husband, and divorce him if neccesary. You didn't vow to him that you would stay with him if he abused you. Abuse if right up there with desertion in my book, and is grounds for a biblical divorce. Try to find a support group for abused women.

Diane

 

[isaiah5213]

well, really, i am gonna be the one who will get stoned here, i think. i read the previous thread. i have been in abusive relationships before...

and i know from the posts, layla, that you want your marriage. you want your husband to truly change. and you want to believe that God will change him.

so pray that in spite of yourself and or/your husband, that God reveal his true heart, his true motives. if he honestly has changed, then it will be revealed in not just his words, but in his actions. and if he has not changed, then that too will be revealed. i am with everyone here, tho, when i say don't immediately run back home. beg God for truth and knowledge as to what his true intentions really are... like, if he was truly repentant, honestly? then he would give you back the money. he would put it back in your bank--your account. and he would call you and tell you that the car is in a hugely public place, and tell you to go get it.

he would give you back these things, w/out you having to ask, beg, or plead.

and he wouldn't get.."not nice" over the phone. it takes more than a fast to change a person. and this is coming from a woman who hugely believes, and advises people almost daily to fast on these boards, when huge issues come up in their families, careers, schools, etc. honestly, by what you put, he still doesn't get it. and i don't know if he really does, but you didn't give us enough information, or if he truly is doing and saying whatever it takes to get you back, because if he can't have you, no one can, etc etc etc...

honestly, i think you should be putting God first first. that means, don't go back to this man till you are strong in your relationship w/God. continue your Bible Studies that you are going to. continue making true and lasting friendships. if going back to this man jeapordizes your feelings toward God, your fellowship w/other believers, your interpretation of the scriptures verses your husband's, your freedom in being loved by Christ and feeling taken care of when you are picturing your intimate relationship w/Christ, your daily quiet times of prayer and bible reading, then going back to this man is the wrong wrong wrong thing to do. if you are w/this man and you are confused and constantly arguing w/your husband about what the scriptures mean when they say this or that, if you are in despair and turmoil when it comes to going back to him, then stay away for now. continue to pray that God reveal your husband's true form. that the truth, again i say, be exposed in spite of you or your husband. then you will know what God needs you to do.

don't let satan talk you into believing that you have done the wrong thing, if you have taken the most godliest way.. remember, satan, too, has the mentality "if i can't have you, i sure will make you pay". so beg God that he make satan stay out of your life and heart, and God make clear what he needs you to do to not only get you to heaven, but get your husband to heaven as well. it may not, and in this case, most likely not, mean going back to your husband. you have to realize that if you know your husband hasn't changed, deep down in your heart, yet you choose to go back to him, then you are excusing his behavior. that would displease God.

in your marriage, it looks to me like your husband tried to make him your God. he didn't know it. but he was. you were supposed to be bowing to him. obeying him above all. submitting to him not as a wife should a husband, but as a slave to a master, as an unknowing idolator to a false god. and you can tell you tried. you tried to see where the scriptures said to obey your husband, and the scriptures say slaves, obey your master.. but again i say, somewhere, your husband made a huge push to stand in between you and God. those members in your previous church and your husband actually decided that your husband was going to choose how you worship God. no one can get to heaven on their spouse's coattails. and no one can drag another person to heaven, do or die. period.

 

[praisehim79]

deleted

 

[Lorie]

Well I have been praying and seeking counsel. I asked my husband if he would be willing to go to counseling, he said yes but only with his pastor, his pastor is the man who sat in front of me and told me it was godly for my husband to lay his hands on me for punishment. So I said, no way, counseling must be with a neutral party. He said, "That will not be happening". He said if I return home now, he will give me back my settlement check and car. I told him that this isn't about money or cars, it is about how he has treated me like less than a human being. He said, we are both human beings but I am a man, what I say goes. I said, not if what you say goes against god. He was quite angry at this point. I said, Look, if you want to renew our relationship, we can get counseling with another pastor and you need to listen to me. Basically he told me that this was my last chance, he said that god will never bless me again for leaving my marriage. He also hinted again about revenge. I simply hung up and made my decision, I will not be returning to him. Right now I will be focusing on my relationship with the lord. Also, my new church gave me a part time job !!!!!!!! What a blessing! Keep praying for me, thanks again and god bless all of you

Yahoo!!!!

I am glad you are standing up for yourself!!!

sounds like your husband wants a slave not a wife.

 

[heartnsoul]

I'm glad and relieved to hear you are standing up for yourself Layla. Good for you!! You mentioned about the hint of revenge in his voice. It may be in your best interest to go to the police station and file a restraining order against him so he can't come near you. Please be careful and watch your back. Also, try not to take anymore of his phone calls. He may try to lure you away to hurt you. Men who have anger problems struggle with the issue of control. Now that he can't control you anymore, he will be even angrier, so just be careful.

Please keep us posted and stay safe.