Question about crying

[Chris†opher Paul]

My son is 11 months old and he seems to be pretty aware of how his actions can effect his parents. For instance, if he wants attention, he will pretend to go to the electrical outlet that he knows we dont let him go to, and when i get up to say "No" he just smiles.

Anyway, my question is in regards to always comforting him when he cries. We are trying to get him used to going to sleep on his own, and it seems to be working. He is crying less and less when we put him to bed, as opposed to the usual rocking him to sleep and tip-toeing out of the room.

Will it harm him emotionally if we dont always comfort him when he cries at night? If we dont go in to his room he goes back to sleep on his own, but I worry that he will feel unloved or something.

But then again, he seems to know how to get us to do what he wants, so maybe he knows he is loved and cried for effect?

 

[VOW]

It's hard to hear your baby cry. Since the kid has NO vocabulary to speak of, the cry is the only means of communication. It's often possible to discern one type of cry from another, but like grown-ups, many times a baby will have more than one thing wrong at a time, and the all-purpose cry must suffice.

If you KNOW he is warm, dry, clean, fed, and safe, there is no danger in letting him cry for a bit. The problem here is that infants are connected to parents (typically more to the mom than to the dad) by an "ESP." The parent tenses up when Baby cries, and Baby can SENSE this. This is the reason why many babies have trouble being put to bed. The rock-until-your-arms-fall-off, sneaking to the crib, and then tiptoeing away is often interrupted by an outrageous ROAR from a baby who was totally unconscious just moments before.

In that instance, you MUST put Baby to bed, then get OUT of the house if possible. Go take the trash out, walk the dog, clean out the car, anything to put some distance and a sound buffer between the two of you. You aren't abandoning Baby, you are eliminating feedback which is stressing you both.

If you have put Baby to bed, and he is waking up at 2 AM, crying a bit when he sees he's all alone, and then he will settle down and go back to sleep, don't worry. You aren't causing him such psychological trauma he's going to be a mass murderer or a CIA agent when he grows up. He's just testing his environment.

If the crying lasts longer than a couple of minutes, though, it's best to check. He could have a fever, he could be soaked up to his shoulderblades, or his blankie is on the floor.

If you go in there, and he lights up like a Christmas tree and decides that Daddy came to see him so we can play, that's something else entirely. That would mean his sleep patterns are out of whack, and you'll have to do a bunch of things to get him to understand that 2 AM does NOT mean playtime.


Peace be with you,
~VOW

 

[lucypevensie]

That's a very good answer

I'm sure he will accept his new situation soon--as long as you stick with it for a few nights. The first several nights are sometimes difficult, so be strong and don't give up on him.

 

[karla]

I have a 2 yrs. old and a 4month old and I went through the same thin with my daughter. I hated to hear her cry. It broke my heart. But, little by little we would let her cry when we put her to bed. Usually after about 10 minutes - she would be asleep. Now she is in a big girl bed and gives us no problems. We ask her what time it is and she says night night. We read 3 books, say prayers, and that is all until the next morning. I agree with VOW as long as you know they are safe, warm, dry, and not hungry at little crying won't kill them. Good luck!

 

[Miss Shelby]

Originally posted by s0uljah


Will it harm him emotionally if we dont always comfort him when he cries at night? If we dont go in to his room he goes back to sleep on his own, but I worry that he will feel unloved or something.

I don't think it will do any emotional harm.  When my two were that age (just a few years ago)--that's exactly how we got them to sleep.  Tell them a bedtime story give them kiss, put them in the crib and leave the room.

I actually long for the days when they were in the crib.  Now that they're in beds it's harder to get them to sleep.  

Michelle

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

Praise God! Thanks for this thread!!! I was feeling like a rotten, wicked witch this morning after a night of "why are you doing this to me???!!!" type of crying. I'd nearly given up until I saw the responses so thank you!

I'm currently trying to start this with my 4 month old as she is still sleeping in bed with me. She's still waking up for night-time feeds which is why I've put off putting her in her crib up until now. Each time she feeds in the night she falls asleep in my arms and then I put her down besides me and we both sleep until the next feed.

My question is - Is it worth starting to encourage her to sleep in her own crib now since she will be awake in the night for a feed and would normally fall asleep in my arms whilst feeding or should I try to wait until she sleeps through the night?

 

[karla]

My son is 5 months old. We started him in the crib in the very beginning. It was a great way to get my husband involved with breastfeeding. He got up and brought our son to be so I could feed him and then when he was finished he was back into his crib. We are not at the point where he is only getting up once during the night to eat and sometimes if we let him cry a little he goes back to sleep. Remember that babies make noises while they sleep and that just because they are crying doesn't necessarily mean that they are hungry. OUr ped. recommended that I nurse him to the point where he was drowsy, but still awake when we put him down at night so he remembers that the last thing he sees is his crib. It was very hard in the beginning when he would cry and cry. I wanted so badly to run in, but now he cries for about 10 minutes and then he gets himself to sleep. I think that it is way harder on the parents than it is on them. I would say do what you feel comfortable with, but remember to be consistent. If you are letting them cry for 10 min. before you respond then do that every time so they get used to it. Hope things work out for you and that others can offer you some good advice.

Karla

 

[IslandBreeze]

I don't have children, but I want to say that it is VERY VERY dangerous for your baby to sleep in the same bed as you. There is a very real danger of suffocation, or squashing. PLEASE put your baby in a crib. If you have to keep her in your room, fine, but please--for her safety--have her sleep in a crib.

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

Amen, and thanks Karla. I guess my problem started because my husband is currently working away and went when she was just 4 weeks old and so it's just me and her during the night feeds which was where I began to have her with me (too bad I didn't listen to my mom).  

But I will perservere! Each night is getting better than the last although she's still crying for a long time.

Thanks again and God bless!

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

Cammie,

Bless you and thanks for your wise words.

I agree, having a baby in bed with you is not generally considered a good idea particularly if you're a heavy sleeper or if you smoke for the reasons you mentioned previously plus also due to the risk of SIDS (cot death).

In my case, because she IS in the bed, my sleep is very light at best (Praise the Lord for the stay-at-home-mom option), non existant at worse. I spend most nights awake watching her pulling funny faces whilst she sleeps. Ironically she's happy to sleep in the crib during the day which is when I can catch up on my sleep but night-time is a different ball game.

But I'm limited to a time scale now, her dad is due home soon which means that she MUST be in her crib before he gets home. Whilst I tend not to sleep at night, he on the other hand sleeps like a walrus and needs all the space he can get.  

But I appeciate your concern.

God bless