Question about "abuse"

[LadyDJ]

Does lack of tact, sarcasm or dumb comments = abuse?

I guess I made an assumption that abuse encompassed a intention to demean in order to put a person in a place of submission or serventude. If speaking before we think is how we define abuse these days, then I'm hosed - I'm not the most tactful person in the world, so I must by definition, be an abusive person. ????

It can be a fine line, but from our conversations, I don't think you fall into that category of an abuser. I'm not the most tactful person either and have been known to be sarcastic...but over the years I've learned who I can let fly with (friends and family who know me VERY well)...otherwise, I put my natural shyness to use when with other people...it keeps me from saying anything and gives me time to think about it first

 

[BeanMak]

Bkg, I am CERTAINLY not calling you an abusive person, I don't know you and would never make that supposition!
Tactlessness on occasion is something of which we are guilty! I have trouble with folks who say things that are hurtful and then retreat into "hey, that is who I am, like it or lump it." Tact is something that is learned, and we all should work HARD at it so that we can be an example of Christ in our life. No one should be stuck on stupid.

Sarcasm can be effective on occasion. It can be used to lighten a mood, or to get a point across. Persistant sniping at a person starts to be just plain wearing. A stinging wit some times is just stinging. If interaction with a person is a string of sarcastics remarks, even if it is a defensive mechanism, communication WILL break down, and no one will benefit.

Again, I am NOT pointing fingers at anyone, just making observations of life around me.

 

[bkg]

Bkg, I am CERTAINLY not calling you an abusive person, I don't know you and would never make that supposition!

And I definitely didn't think that you were. While I agree with your comments that lack of tact and poor sarcasm can be wearing on a person, I just really struggle with the leap to calling that abuse.

I am horribly sarcastic (though getting much better), and sometimes to the point of hurting a persons feelings. But is that abuse? My response would be that the person who is hurt needs to say so, rather than jumping to the opportunity to call me (or anyone else with a odd sense of humor) abusive. Sarcasm can be very bad, I know this. Yet I know no one with a sarcastic personality who has any desire for their attempts at humor (no matter how good or bad) to cause another person abuse.

Again, I come back to intent to cause harm by the person doing the abuse. I think there's a certain responsibility on the "abuse-ee" to state "I am not comfortable/happy/okay with this" before jumping to "you are an abusive person"...

My $132.55...

 

[BeanMak]

and well worth it
I agree, that intent has bearing, and the "abusee" has some responsiblity in requesting it to stop. If that request is made, and no change on the part of the sarcastic partner is seen, then maybe abusive could be applied. If nothing is ever said, i agree, it is a pretty far leap to call someone abusive.

 

[ineedaprayer]

WOW... If any of you would like to read on the abuse I left and he has been serving the Lord for 10 years.. yep and not only to me but my children too.. But not to say God loves the abuser too I need to say I don'g agree at all that this word is used lightly
The bible states exactly how God ordainded marriage and I don't ever recall reading any where in his word that would state us physical means to get your wife or husband for this reason truly it can happen to men also. Thank god we serve a forgiving GOD

 

[Jennifer615]

I respect Bliz for her wisdom and experience. I think she has a very good understanding of abuse.

A good book is "Love is a Choice". There is alot about abusive, controlling relationships in it.

I was mentally, emotionally and spiritually abused by my ex-husband. I could write 3 forum pages with my experiences, but I won't.

He mentally abused me by constantly undermining my ideas, thoughts, opinions, always telling me how stupid I was. At the end I really doubted my intelligence and really thought I was a moron.

He emotionally abused me by berating me as a person. He attacked the very soul of me, the very person I was. I was constantly put down. He would make me cry, then put on Christian music and sing, so he won't have to hear my sobs.

He spiritually abused me by using the Bible as bullets against me. I led him to the Lord, but within a few months, he was saying what a bad Christian I was, when I spoke in tongues he said it wasn't really tongues (I still don't speak in tongues anymore), he made himself to be superspiritual and myself a horrible, failing sinner.

I also get angry when people misuse abuse. To me it's like a woman crying rape when she truly consented to sex, which makes all rape victims look like liars.

Genuine mental, emotional and spiritual abuse is very very real. A human being is only able to be humiliated, yelled at, put down, criticized, laughed at, made fun of, manipulated, disrespected, controlled, invalidated etc etc etc for so long. After that they have to leave, or go insane themselves.

 

[lost72]

I agree that there are many kinds of abuse, and some woman/men do use the word lightly. Of course there is physicaly abuse when one's body is in danger of being harmed. But I do believe in mental and verbal abuse. Is is right for a husband/wife to utter threats? Threating to leave if you don't do this or don't do that? Or I will cheat if you don't give me more sex. I have struggled with this lots. Although the bible does not specify as an *exception clause* for divorce, I don't feel one should stay in a situation where they are not safe. Especially when children are involved.

 

[fluffy_rainbow]

I think alot of people also tend to overlook financial and sexual abuse within relationships as well. Marital rape is a very tabboo subject, especially in your more conservative churches in which women are to cater to their husband's every whim. Financial abuse is when the husband refuses to let the wife work if she needs to or won't let her have access to the family finances just to be mean-spirited. It's a control method. There are different types of abuse. For me, the words my ex-husband used to say to me left far more pain and scarring than him balling up his fist and punching me in the face.

 

[lost72]

I think alot of people also tend to overlook financial and sexual abuse within relationships as well. Marital rape is a very tabboo subject, especially in your more conservative churches in which women are to cater to their husband's every whim. Financial abuse is when the husband refuses to let the wife work if she needs to or won't let her have access to the family finances just to be mean-spirited. It's a control method. There are different types of abuse. For me, the words my ex-husband used to say to me left far more pain and scarring than him balling up his fist and punching me in the face.

I as well have been punched in the face! And there is nothing more painful and scarring. How can a person you gave yourself to treat you like that. How can you have faith and trust in this person? My heart goes out to anyone that has been abused in any way! I have been taught it is not a scriptural exception for divorce. I would love to find more information on the subject.