Question about a guy from my past...

[Kylie]

Okay, a bit of back story...

I've known my husband (call him M) since we were in high school, and we were dating then. But without going into any details, we had a big fight while we were dating back then and I very stupidly broke up with him. It was just out of anger, in the heat of the moment. But while I was upset and we were broken up, I slept with another guy, a friend who I was quite attracted to and had developed a fairly close relationship with (call him D). Of course, it didn't take me long to realise it was a mistake, and after a lot of effort with my husband, we got back together, and we've been going pretty well ever since. And he knows what happened as well.

Recently, I found a few friends on Facebook that I knew from high school (it was up in Queensland and my husband and I have since moved to Sydney), and I added them, since I haven't seen a lot of them in years and it's great to be able to chat to them. Now, I saw that D is a friend of a friend of one of these friends from Facebook, and I've seen them posting comments on a few of their pages. I'd like to add him as a friend, even if it's to try to make peace with him (we parted on not the best terms, he was pretty upset with me when he found out that I'd only broken up with M out of anger and he was, well, a rebound thing), but I'm worried about how M will react. He's always been rather uncomfortable about that whole thing.

Please bear in mind that I'm an atheist, so I'm not really looking for a Christian perspective on this, so no Bible quotes please. But I am interested in hearing other points of view so I can see things I may not be able to see...

 

[RobertMerton]

G'day.

First of all does M know about you and D?

To be honest from your post it sounds like you are looking for trouble.
I would not add D and I would not try and 'put things straight' with him.
This is more of an issue if M does not know about you and D.

 

[Armoured]

Ouch. Facebook can be bad like that. I don't really have advice, but I wanted to say I sympathise. It can be hard to know what's worse, whether they reply or ignore you. If you need a sympathetic ear, PM me any time.

 

[Odetta]

This interlude with this guy was obviously a big deal for you if you're posting about it for advice. In that case, I would advise you to not add him.

 

[ChristianGolfer]

Don't add him. Making peace with him isn't worth upsetting your husband. Leave it in the past where it belongs.

 

[ValleyGal]

Let's try to figure it out from the other way. If your husband had done what you did, how would you feel (or what would you think) if he friended her on FB?

 

[Niffer]

Playing with fire.
If you're in a happy and good place in your marriage and want to keep it that way, don't go bring more drama into it.
Being married is hard enough without making more strife (which this inevitably would)

 

[Scottmcc1]

Why add your old short term flame to Facebook? What good would it do? But the havoc that it may cost you is great.

 

[Hetta]

Don't add him. Making peace with him isn't worth upsetting your husband. Leave it in the past where it belongs.

^^ This.

There's no need to make an apology for something that happened so long ago when everyone was young and silly.

Let it go.

 

[katautumn]

Bad idea. It's just opening the door wide open to trouble. If your husband isn't comfortable with the relationship you had with this guy, all the more reason to avoid him on FB.

 

[sdmsanjose]

I am a man and I think most men would react like I would regardless of religion or no religion.

If you were my wife and you became a friend of that man I would seriously think about dumping you!

 

[LinkH]

I think it's unwise to friend him on Facebook. If you feel like you have to, check with your husband to see how he feels about it first and go along with what he says. If you don't think you should talk about it with your husband, just don't do it.

 

[akmom]

It seems odd to ask for advice on a Christian forum and request that it not be Christian advice. But here goes.

If you want to establish goodwill, just "like" a comment that he has made on a mutual friend's post. If you're nosy, stalk his page privately. But I don't know what you'd have to gain by adding him as a friend on Facebook. I mean, "friending" someone on Facebook is more like adding a contact to your Rolodex than "befriending" someone, so don't confuse the two. If you want to befriend him or make amends, it will have to go beyond "friending" on Facebook - which is even less advisable, I think. But really very little is accomplished by simply adding someone as a Facebook friend. Except maybe the virtual equivalent of awkward silence and conjecture... "Why did she add me?" "Do I really have to accept her request?" "Is she going to say something? Where is this going?"

 

[Armoured]

I think it's unwise to friend him on Facebook. If you feel like you have to, check with your husband to see how he feels about it first and go along with what he says. If you don't think you should talk about it with your husband, just don't do it.

Probably the most sensible advice you;re going to get.

 

[Inkachu]

Okay, a bit of back story...

I've known my husband (call him M) since we were in high school, and we were dating then. But without going into any details, we had a big fight while we were dating back then and I very stupidly broke up with him. It was just out of anger, in the heat of the moment. But while I was upset and we were broken up, I slept with another guy, a friend who I was quite attracted to and had developed a fairly close relationship with (call him D). Of course, it didn't take me long to realise it was a mistake, and after a lot of effort with my husband, we got back together, and we've been going pretty well ever since. And he knows what happened as well.

Recently, I found a few friends on Facebook that I knew from high school (it was up in Queensland and my husband and I have since moved to Sydney), and I added them, since I haven't seen a lot of them in years and it's great to be able to chat to them. Now, I saw that D is a friend of a friend of one of these friends from Facebook, and I've seen them posting comments on a few of their pages. I'd like to add him as a friend, even if it's to try to make peace with him (we parted on not the best terms, he was pretty upset with me when he found out that I'd only broken up with M out of anger and he was, well, a rebound thing), but I'm worried about how M will react. He's always been rather uncomfortable about that whole thing.

Please bear in mind that I'm an atheist, so I'm not really looking for a Christian perspective on this, so no Bible quotes please. But I am interested in hearing other points of view so I can see things I may not be able to see...

BAD idea. Leave the past in the past. Your husband does not need to know that his wife is "friends" (even on FB) with someone who had sex with her before.

 

[favoritetoyisjoy]

BAD idea. Leave the past in the past. Your husband does not need to know that his wife is "friends" (even on FB) with someone who had sex with her before.

+1

 

[Armoured]

BAD idea. Leave the past in the past. Your husband does not need to know that his wife is "friends" (even on FB) with someone who had sex with her before.

My wife is friends on Facebook with someone she had sex with before me. I'm friends with a couple of people I had sex with before her, too. It isn't necessarily a bad thing, as long as you genuinely have closure from the former relationship. If either or both people still carry a torch for the other, well, that's where you're going to get problems from.

 

[PreachersWife2004]

My wife is friends on Facebook with someone she had sex with before me. I'm friends with a couple of people I had sex with before her, too. It isn't necessarily a bad thing, as long as you genuinely have closure from the former relationship. If either or both people still carry a torch for the other, well, that's where you're going to get problems from.

Same with me (not hubby, cuz he's not on FB and he was a virgin when we got married).

I've asked him how he feels and his reply is simply "I know who you sleep with at the end of the day and it's not them. Why would I be jealous"

 

[Ana the Ist]

What do you possibly gain by talking to D again? I can see lots that you would lose, nothing you would gain.

 

[DZoolander]

This is where I might begin to sound a little chauvinistic - but what's up with chicks and "closure"?

As a guy - I can tell you that I spend about

>.< <----- that much time fretting over women I've known in the past and how/what transpired between us. I don't think guys sit there spending all their time worrying about why some juvenile relationship did not work out...and we certainly don't need it explained to us. We move on. We forget about you. You become like the random crush that we had on a girl in the 5th grade...meaning...we know it happened...but we don't care.

If some random girl that I had relations with in the past popped up out of the blue wanting to discuss whatever happened, I'd view her as a potential stalker. No input, nor further contact (unless I was a sleezeball wondering where it might lead), is desired. You may feel guilty and/or need closure - but I can't imagine he feels the same way.

Most likely if you've noticed him - he's noticed you - and he doesn't care. Leave things be. Put your weird need for additional explanation that will serve no good end to rest - and respect your husband/the relationship you have.