Pursuit of Singleness?

[EpicScore]

Being single is a growing trend, apparently.

There is certainly many incentives for people to remain single, and many of them are ungodly. So keeping that in mind, how can I know whether my current lack of desire for marriage (or any relationship beyond platonic) is a call from God, or if this came from worldly influences that are spiritually unhealthy?

In the church "getting married" is still considered the ideal, and the only way most people there would consider that a person might be called for singleness is if they're on a full-time mission ministry where they need to frequently travel and live in remote areas--and even that is only as an exception, because plenty of missionaries do get married and have families.

Given my general preference of spending my time alone, it does often seem that my pursuit of singleness is based on selfishness rather than calling. On the other hand, whenever I do think of marriage, it is also usually based more on pragmatism rather than any genuine desire to commit myself to a significant other.

In fact, I don't believe I've ever had any serious romantic/sexual attraction towards anyone; but I've also been told that these things aren't actually essential to start marriage and make it work, in a "it's easier to act your way into a feeling, than feel your way into an action" kind of deal. After all, many fellow Christians have said, most marriages in the Bible were arranged for rather than decided by the couple involved, so no romantic/sexual attraction were involved in the relationship, at least at first. Although I also question the ethics of deliberately stepping into a romantic relationship with someone you have no romantic interest in.

So I guess I'm asking if there's any other signs that God could be giving to really be sure whether I should pursue singleness or avail myself to marriage.

Thanks.

 

[DragonFox91]

I have no idea. Someone truly called to being single will have to answer.

Your lack of desire for marriage is probably a good sign. You shouldn't feel pressured or forced. You should want to be married because YOU want to be married.

 

[com7fy8]

I don't think we can know ahead of time how marriage or celibacy will be. So, we do well to simply trust our Father to prepare us for what He will guide us to do.

Paul was a celibate, but I think he had close and deep relationships, as spiritually and emotionally intimate as marriage can be, though platonic. God's love is the same family caring and sharing love growing in every one of us > look at how God's love made Paul and Silvanus and Timothy relate with the Thessalonians > "as a nursing mother cherishes her own children" (in 1 Thessalonians 2:7).

Our Father's one love is family love.

So, we grow in this love and discover where God takes us.

The rules of relating are the same, basically, in marriage and in celibacy, I believe >

"submitting to one another in the fear of God." (Ephesians 5:21)

"Do all things without complaining and disputing" (in Philippians 2:13-16)

"And I will very gladly spend and be spent for your souls; though the more abundantly I love you, the less I am loved." (2 Corinthians 12:15)

"swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath" (in James 1:19-20)

"Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you." (Ephesians 4:31-32)

"with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love," (Ephesians 4:2)

And there is more scripture > any scripture, actually, can be used by God to help us find out how to relate in His love. And in case you would like to share with me for about thirteen minutes about how God's peace has us loving > search Youtube with "P1QCRyQztLc" and this should bring you to "obey God in His peace". I see there is a basic > Colossians 3:15 < we do well to submit to how our Father personally rules us in His own peace, and do not give in to any feelings, reactions, ways of seeing things, decisions about relationships, or desires and drives which are not in the ruling and personal guiding of His peace in our hearts

 

[EpicScore]

I don't think we can know ahead of time how marriage or celibacy will be. So, we do well to simply trust our Father to prepare us for what He will guide us to do.

Paul was a celibate, but I think he had close and deep relationships, as spiritually and emotionally intimate as marriage can be, though platonic. God's love is the same family caring and sharing love growing in every one of us > look at how God's love made Paul and Silvanus and Timothy relate with the Thessalonians > "as a nursing mother cherishes her own children" (in 1 Thessalonians 2:7).

Our Father's one love is family love.

So, we grow in this love and discover where God takes us.

The rules of relating are the same, basically, in marriage and in celibacy, I believe >

"submitting to one another in the fear of God." (Ephesians 5:21)

"Do all things without complaining and disputing" (in Philippians 2:13-16)

"And I will very gladly spend and be spent for your souls; though the more abundantly I love you, the less I am loved." (2 Corinthians 12:15)

"swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath" (in James 1:19-20)

"Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you." (Ephesians 4:31-32)

"with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love," (Ephesians 4:2)

And there is more scripture > any scripture, actually, can be used by God to help us find out how to relate in His love. And in case you would like to share with me for about thirteen minutes about how God's peace has us loving > search Youtube with "P1QCRyQztLc" and this should bring you to "obey God in His peace". I see there is a basic > Colossians 3:15 < we do well to submit to how our Father personally rules us in His own peace, and do not give in to any feelings, reactions, ways of seeing things, decisions about relationships, or desires and drives which are not in the ruling and personal guiding of His peace in our hearts

Thank you. I guess it's also because a lot of people around me like to talk about the disadvantages of marrying late, so I start to develop the mindset that if I'm not meant to be celibate, I should just get married quickly and get it over with. Not the best mindset to have when thinking about such a commited relationship, I know.

Sometimes I also wonder if I'm setting my bar too high and if I should give other people a chance, but to be honest, whenever I get introduced to someone with the clear intent of building into a romantic relationship, I'm actually less likely to get along with that person.

 

[Sketcher]

You don't have to pursue singleness, you already have it.

 

[bèlla]

The answers depends on your maturity and temperament. Some know they’re called to marriage due to an internal desire to settle down or emotional longing. Others want to marry for physical companionship.

I like men and I’m attracted to them. But I don’t yearn for a partner. I date and have relationships and my life is complete without a man. I don’t feel I’m missing anything. I’m wholly content being single. It doesn’t anger or sadden me.

I learned how to live and thrive where I am years ago when I was ill. It forced me to stop dwelling on tomorrow and what I lacked. I had to come to grips with the here and now and make the most of it. That was the greatest gift my illness provided (I’m no longer sick).

I learned to wait. I learned to live with uncertainty. I silenced the what ifs and maybes and learned to live. One day at a time. That brought me to a place of peace and joy.

~bella

 

[HisGraceAbounds]

I'm confused with the question - either you know your reasons for remaining single, or you don't...I guess?

Incentives to remain single? That's something else entirely. Freedom in your 20s because of singledom is one thing, but let it drag on into your 30s...and your 40s and see how you feel. Maybe you won't feel different. Maybe you will.

Being single has ALWAYS felt right to me. I went against that feeling when I got married, and it turned out quite badly. I haven't made the mistake again and I am not likely to. Being THAT single though...for THAT long...I don't see many incentives.

When I had my cancer scare...and had to be in the ER...all alone...in the middle of the night...having tests run on me I've never had...I really could have used a steady, loving hand at that point.

When I passed my kidney stone and clenched my jaw so hard I broke 4 of my molars...and had to go to the ER...alone...again in the middle of the night...there was nobody there.

The years I spent taking care of my father...career put on hold indefinitely...social life abandoned...all pursuits of self-betterment put on hold...I had nobody. Nobody to encourage me. Nobody to comfort me.

To this day, I still know it is best for me to remain single, but that doesn't mean I don't get awfully lonesome from time to time. You can be called to be single and it doesn't mean that you have to 'celebrate' it.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Being single is a growing trend, apparently.

There is certainly many incentives for people to remain single, and many of them are ungodly. So keeping that in mind, how can I know whether my current lack of desire for marriage (or any relationship beyond platonic) is a call from God, or if this came from worldly influences that are spiritually unhealthy?

In the church "getting married" is still considered the ideal, and the only way most people there would consider that a person might be called for singleness is if they're on a full-time mission ministry where they need to frequently travel and live in remote areas--and even that is only as an exception, because plenty of missionaries do get married and have families.

I have to say, unless you're going into the priesthood..., being Christian and having no desire for marriage, is rather uncharacteristic of your typical Christian. I honestly have never met such a person that was both Christian and anti-marriage. It's like an oxymoron.

In the early days of the 1940s and 50s, this was THE thing to do...get married, have kids, etc. Otherwise you were considered a spinster.

Now, we don't necessarily consider people "spinsters" as that's an outdated term, but...I do tend to look at someone sideways if they are Christian with no desire for marriage.

The ONLY people that don't desire marriage or just unmarried couples, living together. Or I've met some women that actually remain single, by choice, regardless of religious motivation. Usually this is result of being jaded from a previous marriage.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

The answers depends on your maturity and temperament. Some know they’re called to marriage due to an internal desire to settle down or emotional longing. Others want to marry for physical companionship.

I like men and I’m attracted to them. But I don’t yearn for a partner. I date and have relationships and my life is complete without a man. I don’t feel I’m missing anything. I’m wholly content being single. It doesn’t anger or sadden me.

So you never go through...moments...in your life where you are sadden or long to cuddle with someone? I know I do. I do admit that.

I think it's because I was born an only child, and...I only had close bonds with my immediate family members. Once my mom and dad are gone, that's that. It's me.

I guess I am more needy than others I suppose.

I also have little relatinship experience. Never had my first girlfriend until my late 20s. I could rarely land a date in my 20s and 30s. Even today, I go long time without a date with a woman. I typically get reject or blown off a lot. but I do get that occasional response.

The last few gals I dated, every single one of them dated me because of my personality and actually said they could care less about physical appearances...which shows the amount of women that I meet do care.

 

[bèlla]

So you never go through...moments...in your life where you are sadden or long to cuddle with someone? I know I do. I do admit that.

I had no exposure to Protestant Christianity until adulthood. The perspective on marriage commonly articulated in Christian circles wasn't an influence. I never heard it. My relational approach wasn't inspired by religious ideologies.

Marriage was a choice. It wasn't a spiritual experience, God writing my love story, or sending me a companion. My identity isn't interwoven with companionship because it wasn't drilled in my head. It's a slice of the pie. Not the whole kahuna.

I don't struggle to meet men or form relationships. So no, I don't have the same longings as others because I've had suitors who wanted to settle down. It hasn't eluded me. I'm not afraid of being alone because I know it isn't permanent.

I think it's because I was born an only child, and...I only had close bonds with my immediate family members. Once my mom and dad are gone, that's that. It's me.

I guess I am more needy than others I suppose.

My daughter is an only child but she wasn't isolated. Building a support network is important. We need others to lean on. I have a family first mentality. They're my advisors. But they aren't the only ones. God brought others and the tribe has grown. Perhaps you need the same.

I also have little relatinship experience. Never had my first girlfriend until my late 20s. I could rarely land a date in my 20s and 30s. Even today, I go long time without a date with a woman. I typically get reject or blown off a lot. but I do get that occasional response.

I'm at a loss why many are struggling. I've asked older relatives for input to determine if the same was true years ago. And everyone said no. It wasn't the norm to be in your twenties or thirties with little to no relational experience. This is a modern problem.

Whatever you feed will grow. Marriage has been fed to a degree where it's do or die for some. If you don't accomplish it you've failed. That places a lot of pressure on the person and fosters desperation. You've gotta make it happen. The ideal is reinforced in the culture. You see the reward at church, Christian events, and materials.

That golden carrot is hanging over your head and you've gotta have it. But getting it is hard with that mindset. There's no way to contain the want and need we carry within. We can't hide the loneliness, fear, or angst. It comes out.

Oftentimes we don't realize how much is spilling out. We think we're hiding it. But longing produces a hunger that's recognizable. It reveals itself in our discourse and body language. Fear's in the driver's seat and we have a scarcity mindset. It dominates our thoughts and conversation. Every discussion returns to that subject.

When we engage with the opposite sex it's evident. They have the missing link; the thing we're longing for. That can express itself in many ways: nervousness, anxiety, clinginess, emotional declarations (too soon), and so on. There's a heaviness, intensity, or seriousness we project which shouldn't be present. It isn't time.

Women aren't accustomed to seeing that behavior in men. The fairer sex are usually the ones who obsess about marriage, dream about their weddings, etc. Men don't do that. He may desire to marry but it doesn't consume him. It isn't on the tip of his tongue.

Overemphasis and emotionalism can be detrimental to men. You may be shooting yourself in the foot and repelling suitors unknowingly. Desperation contradicts the strength and security women seek and diminishes masculinity. The association is feminine. We're accustomed to seeing women fret about marriage. Not men.

The last few gals I dated, every single one of them dated me because of my personality and actually said they could care less about physical appearances...which shows the amount of women that I meet do care.

Appearance matters and it goes beyond attractiveness. Health, fitness, and well-fitting clothes enhance our look. Personal care is a reflection of self-esteem. If we're slacking we need to address it.

 

[ReesePiece23]

Well, at the risk of sounding redundant, you sound as if you're living a perfectly authentic life. So why worry about changing it?

People have responded to this thread with dissertations and I'm confused as to why. Honestly, guys, you should waste more time watching YTPs or something.

 

[Sir Robbins]

I'm on the fence. I'm 31 going on 32 and never dated myself or done anything since grade school. I just look around at all of the chaos and frustration and rather bizarre expectations and I say "no thanks" to that world. I'm happy being free from another but then I have to tolerate loneliness in a physical sense.

I feel that because I'm on the fence, I should stay away from dating because I don't want to come off as uninterested or that I lack motivation.

Perhaps you are going through the same? I feel like I'm pursuing singleness more out of avoidance of the troubles or relationships and dating these days is utter nonsense compared to 15+ years ago

 

[HisGraceAbounds]

Well, at the risk of sounding redundant, you sound as if you're living a perfectly authentic life. So why worry about changing it?

People have responded to this thread with dissertations and I'm confused as to why. Honestly, guys, you should waste more time watching YTPs or something.

If a couple hundred words makes a 'dissertation' for you, might I suggest you not waste your precious time reading all of it? Obviously our replying to a thread with heart-felt words upsets you deeply enough you had to speak from the corner of your mouth to tell us we are wasting our time. Gosh, I don't know how I'll live with myself for not spending my time here at CF or the Internet in general the way I am 'supposed to'.

I might have to go have a big cathartic cry in my blanket fort. Might could.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

I'm at a loss why many are struggling. I've asked older relatives for input to determine if the same was true years ago. And everyone said no. It wasn't the norm to be in your twenties or thirties with little to no relational experience. This is a modern problem.

Right, and often times I feel I was born in the wrong era. I envy them sometimes. I never went to the prom, never had a homecoming date. Of course, I've met those that can admit the samething.

I don't think you shouldn't be at a loss as to why others are struggling, it's society of selfish and entitled people out there that I keep coming across.

Whatever you feed will grow. Marriage has been fed to a degree where it's do or die for some. If you don't accomplish it you've failed. That places a lot of pressure on the person and fosters desperation. You've gotta make it happen. The ideal is reinforced in the culture. You see the reward at church, Christian events, and materials.

That golden carrot is hanging over your head and you've gotta have it. But getting it is hard with that mindset. There's no way to contain the want and need we carry within. We can't hide the loneliness, fear, or angst. It comes out.

Oftentimes we don't realize how much is spilling out. We think we're hiding it. But longing produces a hunger that's recognizable. It reveals itself in our discourse and body language. Fear's in the driver's seat and we have a scarcity mindset. It dominates our thoughts and conversation. Every discussion returns to that subject.

When we engage with the opposite sex it's evident. They have the missing link; the thing we're longing for. That can express itself in many ways: nervousness, anxiety, clinginess, emotional declarations (too soon), and so on. There's a heaviness, intensity, or seriousness we project which shouldn't be present. It isn't time.

Women aren't accustomed to seeing that behavior in men. The fairer sex are usually the ones who obsess about marriage, dream about their weddings, etc. Men don't do that. He may desire to marry but it doesn't consume him. It isn't on the tip of his tongue.

Are you saying that a man who is longing for marriage is a bad thing? I know what you mean, but can it really be a "man/woman" thing? I don't believe a man desiring marriage the way a woman does is a bad thing...I mean, I recall jokes about men forgetting anniversaries to be an equivalent. However, me...I don't forget such things. These ladies basically wound up with the wrong guy.

I recall noticing a woman having changed her attire in one evenining. We were playing board games at someone's house. A couple of hours later, she changed outfits...and I took notice...and she goes, "Men typically wouldn't notice such things".

I don't know if she saw me as odd or was flattered? I sometimes find myself wanting to ask, "Is that a good thing?"

Overemphasis and emotionalism can be detrimental to men. You may be shooting yourself in the foot and repelling suitors unknowingly. Desperation contradicts the strength and security women seek and diminishes masculinity. The association is feminine. We're accustomed to seeing women fret about marriage. Not men.

Oh well, I hope I can find a woman that doesn't have a problem with that.

You'd think a woman in the CHRISTIAN community would find her equal when it comes to a man who equally desires marriage as much as she does.

Appearance matters and it goes beyond attractiveness. Health, fitness, and well-fitting clothes enhance our look. Personal care is a reflection of self-esteem. If we're slacking we need to address it.

I am health conscious and stay active. I just have to keep on keeping on with the women that I have succeeded in attracting (the ones I mentioned) and stay in that lane.

To accept me for me.

 

[ReesePiece23]

might I suggest you not waste your precious time reading all of it?

I didn't.

- I Read the OP
- I composed a relevant reply.
- And threw in a harmless quip - which has been a theme of my posts since I signed up.

There was no "speaking from the corner of my mouth." I really DO feel as if the OP knows who they are and knows what they want - so I didn't see the point in complicating it. Sometimes these heavily nuanced questions demand a simple straight answer.

When society has such rigid expectations, it's common for people of a certain age to feel as if "they should" just because. But it isn't so - nor is it ideal to follow that way of thinking. Because I feel as if fulfilling society's mandate (or attempting to) will not only damage people in the long run, but it will also limit their opportunity to find TRUE authentic happiness and spiritual abundance. (The two most valuable commodities that a human being can experience.)

But you know that - and I KNOW you know that, so I'm not patronising you here or telling you something you didn't already know. But the point is relevant...

Authentic happiness and spiritual abundance are two things that the OP is already actively prising out. They even mention a complete lack of desire to marry and say that they have never really experienced romantic attraction towards anyone; so, we can all agree, that they should absolutely be encouraged to continue on their journey, WITHOUT the church bullying them into being anything else other than authentic. Because to do otherwise, would be to intervene with God's plan.

I'll probably get accused of 'gas lighting' by someone now, but I honestly think you read WAY too much into my post. I just saw walls of text (didn't stop to see who they were, so it wasn't personal) and thought, yeah I think these members work themselves too hard.

That's it.

Hopefully I haven't offended you, because I can 100% guarantee that if you were ever unhappy or needed to vent - and you wrote a thread of your own (and I saw it) that I would take all the time that is necessarily to write you a well thought out reply. I have an attitude, sure. I'm arrogant as well, possibly. But I'm not a mean spirited person.

 

[bèlla]

Right, and often times I feel I was born in the wrong era. I envy them sometimes. I never went to the prom, never had a homecoming date. Of course, I've met those that can admit the samething.

What did your parents say? Did they try to matchmaking?

I don't think you shouldn't be at a loss as to why others are struggling, it's society of selfish and entitled people out there that I keep coming across.

Selfishness and entitlement always existed. Human need is diminishing. That's the change.

Are you saying that a man who is longing for marriage is a bad thing? I know what you mean, but can it really be a "man/woman" thing?

I don't think a desire to marry is wrong. But I don't support imbalance.

I recall noticing a woman having changed her attire in one evenining. We were playing board games at someone's house. A couple of hours later, she changed outfits...and I took notice...and she goes, "Men typically wouldn't notice such things".

I don't know if she saw me as odd or was flattered? I sometimes find myself wanting to ask, "Is that a good thing?"

It was a compliment and recognition it would be ignored by others. Not a bad thing.

Oh well, I hope I can find a woman that doesn't have a problem with that.

You'd think a woman in the CHRISTIAN community would find her equal when it comes to a man who equally desires marriage as much as she does.

Desire and expression aren't one in the same. That's what I'm referring to.

Longing isn't an indication of effort or performance. It doesn't mean they'll be a good spouse. It means they want to marry. But a lot of people want things and that's the driver. When they secure them they're off to something else. That's what feeds them.

Many of the '180 stories' reflect this. Getting to the altar is the goal. Once they do it's business as usual.

I am health conscious and stay active. I just have to keep on keeping on with the women that I have succeeded in attracting (the ones I mentioned) and stay in that lane.

To accept me for me.

Do you have friends (single or married) who support you? That helps a lot.

 

[HisGraceAbounds]

k

 

[EpicScore]

Wow, thanks for all the insights you all.

My basic question really stems from my family and church members, who both seem to put a higher premium in marriage than singleness. Marriage and raising family demands responsibility, dedication and commitment, and they often seen as one of the best ways you can exercise God's love to those nearest and dearest, so to speak.

They often cite Genesis 1:28 to justify the claim that God's original design is for His people to get married and raise lots of godly children, and that desiring otherwise (especially if you're not involved in a full-time ministry that would leave you with little time for family) is seen as a selfish choice motivated by a self-centered secular trends (e.g. desire for convenience, personal freedom and lack of accountability) rather than obedience to God's word.

I admit that whenever I try to weigh out the pros and cons for either options, it's mostly based on laziness and pragmatism (e.g. having more time for myself vs. sharing household responsibilities).

So I guess I'm trying to explore and make sense of my own motives for staying single as well, like whether I'm being selfish/unloving/closed-off when I'm actively going out of my way to avoid romantic relationships.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Wow, thanks for all the insights you all.

My basic question really stems from my family and church members, who both seem to put a higher premium in marriage than singleness. Marriage and raising family demands responsibility, dedication and commitment, and they often seen as one of the best ways you can exercise God's love to those nearest and dearest, so to speak.

They often cite Genesis 1:28 to justify the claim that God's original design is for His people to get married and raise lots of godly children, and that desiring otherwise (especially if you're not involved in a full-time ministry that would leave you with little time for family) is seen as a selfish choice motivated by a self-centered secular trends (e.g. desire for convenience, personal freedom and lack of accountability) rather than obedience to God's word.

I admit that whenever I try to weigh out the pros and cons for either options, it's mostly based on laziness and pragmatism (e.g. having more time for myself vs. sharing household responsibilities).

So I guess I'm trying to explore and make sense of my own motives for staying single as well, like whether I'm being selfish/unloving/closed-off when I'm actively going out of my way to avoid romantic relationships.

Often times, and this is no offense intended, people of this type tend to wonder if the person choosing to stay single is gay. (Is he gay?) Or some judgy comment like that.

For me, it's not for the lack of trying. lol

 

[ReesePiece23]

Often times, and this is no offense intended, people of this type tend to wonder if the person choosing to stay single is gay. (Is he gay?) Or some judgy comment like that.

For me, it's not for the lack of trying. lol

I'm just as bad with my aspersions on them. I usually refer to such people as "spiritually ignorant."

Which isn't fair at all really.

But there you go. We all do it.