punishing children

[porcupine]

You should use "the rod" for deliberate offenses, not mere childishness. However, you should warn only once, then move to the spanking immediately. If there are repeats of the SAME offense, there should be no warning.

I raised six children and am helping to raise 13 grandchildren, and I can testify that the Bible is correct. The father that does not chasten his son, hates his son. In the end, the lack of that sure and certain discipline will result in the child headed toward Hell.

 

[SqueezetheShaman]

Well, first of all, i am not judging you, because I too have spanked my son. But I think it is done out of our own impatience and ignorance. When I have spanked him, I was at a loss for what to do, or overly angry, and those aren't the right reasons. Not cleaning her room the right way? Are you setting an example of how to? Are you consistently in there every night, watching her and guiding her the right way to do it? I have a problem with my own son's messiness, but I can't expect him to do what he is supposed to every time, when I can't even remember enough to remind him. know what i mean??

 

[ACougar]

Instead of asking yourself "Should I be spanking my child or not." Perhaps you shoudl be asking youself why you allow your child to engage you in a battle of wills. Be consistant, be firm and there should be no doubt in the childs mind that failing to abide by your rules will result in punishment. Throwing a temper tantrum is simply not worth spending 15 minutes siting in a corner, especially if there is no doubt in the childs mind that this is what will happen.

As for spanking, I don't think it's an absolute necessity. As a parent you have an unlimmited toolbox of punishments and restrictions you can impose. Personally, I prefer to keep spanking in my toolbox. I use it rarely, only when I'm not angry and I use my hand instead of some object that doesn't allow me to adequetly gauge the amount of pain being inflicted.

 

[Zen_Woof]

Any advice on how to punish children?
I have a 9 year old daughter, the only method to get her to listen ( such as cleaning her room) is to threaten spanking, which I follow thru maybe once a week or less.
She battles me over everything until she sees the wooden spoon, and then she is motivated to do it.
She doesnt seem to hold any anger towards me as she is happy and affectionate with me when I give her positive feedback afterwards for a job well done,even when I had to spank her before,

Any advice?

The only thing I can suggest is to be consistent. I don't advocate spanking. I think it inspires fear rather than obedience. It also shows that violence is acceptable, which I do not want to demonstrate.

My brother was spanked often as a child. My mother kept escalating the punishment until one day, he turned to her and said "What are you going to do, Mom? Kill me?" In addition, to control me, he would beat up on me, lock me in closets, threaten me with knives, etc. (My parents did not intervene.)

With my son, I have tried hard to respect his sovereignty as a person, to respect him, and to listen as much as I can. The only matters I make an issue of concern safety (his or others). I try to instruct on all other matters knowing that he'll make his own choices.

Good luck!
ZW

 

[HeatherJay]

With a 9 year old, I'd imagine that the strongest message you can send is one of consistency...be consistent with the rules and follow through with what you've defined as punishment.

I have smaller kids (5 and 2) and I do spank them on occassion (though, never with anything other than my hand), but there are more effective means of getting them to comply. For example, if they mess up their room, throw toys everywhere...the first time, I help them pick up or at least hang out with them while they clean. If, 6 hours later, their room is in the same state again, I take a garbage bag and start bagging up the things "they don't care enough about to put away." That's the warning, and if they don't immediately begin picking up, then we give those toys away to the mission. I don't threaten to throw there toys out and then NOT do it...all that does is show them I don't mean what I say. Never threaten to do something that you're not prepared to follow through on.

Also, it's very important to never spank out of anger and frustration. And always, ALWAYS assure her of how much you love her afterwards. It's so important for kids to know that their parents ALWAYS love them, even when they're upset over a messy room.

 

[evolisamyth]

As for spanking, I don't think it's an absolute necessity. As a parent you have an unlimmited toolbox of punishments and restrictions you can impose. Personally, I prefer to keep spanking in my toolbox. I use it rarely, only when I'm not angry and I use my hand instead of some object that doesn't allow me to adequetly gauge the amount of pain being inflicted.

Excellent! But for spanking, I prefer not to use my hands. My children associate my hands as loving, comforting, and safe. I use something with a little more give that won't knock vertibae out of line but still gets the point across.

Parents who spank, why and when do you spank?
Is it punishment or correction?

If you spank while angry, it's neither punishment nor correction. It's all about you. Venting or retaliating does not help your child understand why he or she is being corrected. Also, the physical act conducted while emotionally charged may escalate to something which was not initended, and unarguably illegal...a beating.

Suggestion:
1. Make time to calm down. Explain to your child exactly why what they did, said, didn't do, didn't say was wrong and that corrective action will be forthcoming. (Even if they are fighting you all the while, they hear you)
2. Place them in a location that they do not associate with safety and comfort and where they do not have access to distractions such as toys. i.e. don't send them to their bedroom. Hallway works really good in my house.
3. Instruct them to think about what went wrong.
4. You then go to another part of the house and take time to calm down. Pray for wisdom, patience, and anything else the situation might require.
5. THEN determine the appropriate means of correction required and to what degree. If it is to be spanking, do it without anger and let them cry it out and think about what led to it. Teach them to come to you and ask for your forgiveness (which should be right on the tip of your tongue and ready to be given when asked for just like God is ready to forgive us when we ask), stating what it was that they did wrong in the apology. ex: "Daddy/Mommy, I am sorry, please forgive me for ____________."
6. Love on them (this is key) and let them know that you love them and that you forgive them. Reinforce with a hug and kiss. Oh, and do try to smile and be sincere.
7. I have taught my children to go to the Lord in prayer afterwards. They ask Him to forgive them for disobeying His word in regards to obedience to parents. It usually leads to them praying on other matters as well because we use the achronym P.R.A.Y. Praise Him. Repent. Ask forgiveness and for any other needs. Yield to Him and His will. They begin and finish their prayer and, of course, Mommy and/or Daddy then pray for their own part as well. (parents, you know good and well you've had some not so holy thoughts when your kids were not marching to the right drum beat...get them confessed, forgiven, and out of the way!)

Not as easy as it looks in black and white. It takes patience and consistancy. This works well in my home. I've got a 6 year old daughter and 4 year old son. They are both very stubborn (got it from me) but they mind very, very well.

It's not a beating and it's not punishment. I don't "punish"...that's for hardened criminals and beasts, not my babies. I correct because I love them and want them to grow up with the proper values.

I know a few couples with children still in the house and some grown who have never (and swear that they will never) spanked their children. What a big difference! One couple for instance, use time-outs and the occasional grounding and tv/phone/game restriction, has a 6 year old, and 8 year old, a 13 year old, and a 19 year old. The latter is no longer living in the house with them. He is in jail after he and a couple of his malcontent friends beat a woman nearly to death because she stopped a convenience store clerk from selling them beer underaged. The 13 year old is a young lady who can hardly be called a lady. Walks all over her mother who she considers weak and her father who she looks at as a joke. The 8 year old is a spoiled brat that takes every opportunity he can find to see how much he can get away with. Time-outs are great to him. He spends them in his room...with all his toys! The 6 year old is mommy's little angle but is already showing signs of rebelion. And, if left unchecked will only lead to all out war. Oh, she gets plenty of time-outs...she even sits there quietly...pouting. (Glowering angrily at Mommy or Daddy or anyone else who happens to come into view. Wonder what she could be thinking?) Still repeats the same things over and over again. How effective does this set of parents seem to you? They lean heavily on those psychological, self-help, child-rearing books too. Not that these are terrible things mind you. It's just that that's all they use.

I'm not anti-spanking...but it should not be the exclusive form of correction. Nor should it be left out. Ballance, pro-activeness, consistency, complete dedication, immediacy & follow-up, and decernment are all key elements for successful correction. (list not all-inclusive)

Proverbs 23:13 Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. (please, please, please note that the usage of the term "beatest" in the 1611 english is not the same that we use today for "a beating".)

Proverbs 22:15 Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from them.

Jeremiah 17:9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?

Proverbs 29:15 The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.

Evo

 

[evolisamyth]

Oh, one more thing.
As for spanking for a messing room...no-go for young children like my 4 and 6 year olds.
I don't spank for the state of the room. That comes when they fail to obey the order to pick it up or help me/my wife pick it up.
Young children WILL mess up their rooms. BUT...they will aslo learn how to clean it up again. The white-glove at 0545 sharp and again at 1700 is still a few years away.

Evo