I've started to feel like I'm being withheld a blessing from God.
I've been reading the bible lately, and Deuteronomy and Joshua has been catching my attention. Literally just a few people sin, and God commands Moses to completely obliterate whole societies. Some of the people pray and such, but God ignores them because of what they have done.
I feel the same way in my situation. I want to change, so I start praying for more will and such and changing my ways. Then while I'm waiting for my blessing, I slip up because I don't have the will to resist my tempations yet. So I end up miserable; I almost feel like I'm being punished for what I did. So I make amends and start over fresh. And the cycle begins again as I can't keep my resistance up long enough to recieve a blessing.
What is your opinion on this?
be careful when reading the old testament. I don't know exactly what passages you are talking about, but when i read most of the stories in the Old Testament, it talks about how almost EVERYONE sins. Some examples - God destroyed the entire human population except for Noah and his family because of how bad sin had gotten, God destroyed the entire cities of Sodom & Gamorrah because He couldn't find even 10 righteous people, Most of the old testament deals with God's people, Israel, and how they continue to sin and worship other gods, and then repent, then God saves them, then they sin again. I think that if you look a little closer you will see that God is always longsuffering, patient, and just. Yes, he punishes those severly who continue to rebel against Him, but as soon as they repent and turn from their evil ways, the Lord is quick to forgive.
Also, in the old testament, Jew's would have to provide offerings to the Lord. It was a very difficult time in which to be in favor with the Lord. Think about it, even Moses, David, Solomon, etc. all sinned. When Jesus came and died on the cross, all those sins were wiped away, and the ultimate offering was completed. We no longer have to give God offerings for our sins because Jesus gave all that needed to be given to pay the price for our sins. That is why we now live in a time of 'grace'. Therefore, there is nothing you can do to gain some 'blessing' from the Lord. The ultimate blessing has already been given. It is up to you to receive it.
Also, don't get too wrapped up in worrying about sinning again. you will sin again. we all do. even Paul continued to sin after he came to know Christ. read Romans chapter 7. Paul says he does the things he doesn't want to do, and he doesn't do the things he wants to do. Even after you accept Christ, it is still a constant battle between your sinful flesh and your renewed spirit. For we worship the Lord in spirit. This doesn't mean you can go out and knowingly sin and think you can get away with it - God will not be mocked. But if you understand what Jesus has done for you and you ask Him into your life, why would you want to do anything that is against His will?
So try to relax. You will sin again. I do it. Every Christian does it. But the great thing is that Jesus not only forgives us the sin we just committed, but all sins in our past present and future. From your post it sounds like you are trying and want to know the Lord more, which is a very good thing. Just continue in prayer and bible study, and through the grace of Jesus Christ, you will find all you ever needed.
In Christ...