puberty

[hedrick]

Ok, I just can't seem to come to terms and tell my son, I know what you did, I know it feels good but please make sure you do that in private...

I mean OH MY LORD, my son is masturbating...

First, I'm not sure you know that.

Second, I don't think the other parents are telling you to say that masturbation is OK, just that it's not your first order of business at this point. It's time to start talking with him about sexuality, to help him decide how to get to know girls, etc. Maybe at some point you'll want to talk about masturbation, but don't start with that.

Christians actually don't agree on masturbation. Even conservatives. I've seen conservative Christians advice married men on a long trip who think they might be tempted to use a prostitute that masturbation while thinking of their wife is a better alternative. Similarly for older teens who are worried that they're not going to be able to resist pressures to have sex.

The Bible doesn't deal with it specifically. The usual concern is that it can be part of a pattern involving porn and inappropriate attitudes towards women. But Jesus' statement about not lusting doesn't mean that it's wrong to think about women. The underlying Greek term has implications of a desire to possess. (The same word is translated "covet' in other contexts.) This is not a child wondering what it's like to have sex, or imagining himself with his favorite TV star.

For that reason you'll find Christian statements on the subject less clear than you might expect. Dobson is a typical example of someone who believes in sexual purity but whose experience working with kids suggests that you don't want to emphasize it. He's often quoted as saying the masturbation is OK, and I suspect he sometimes has said that. But his more common position is more ambiguous: Talking About Sex and Puberty - Focus on the Family

But I think the point people are making isn't that you should say "go ahead," but that it shouldn't be your focus or the way you start. You probably want to start talking with him. You don't need to talk about what you saw on his sheets at all unless you think he's worried about what you saw. No matter what he does you're occasionally going to see sperm on sheets or pajamas. As I understand it, the advice has varied between ignoring it to having him do his own laundry.

If you want to understand Dobson's concerns, browse the Christian advice and young adult forums. Young people can easily get obsessed by guilt over masturbation. Even if you think it's a bad idea (and i don't think it always is), the amount of guilt that it often causes isn't something Jesus would want.

 

[Lindas Place]

My personal opinion is no...
When ours were toddlers if I caught them masterbating on the couch or wherever I would say "I know that feels good but that is something we do in private, so I would appreciate it if you go to your room to do that". Toddlers do not like being locked up away from the action (TV, other people, etc) so of course they would stop.
Trust me at his age Im sure he already knows what that means (as another poster pointed out). Just leave him, because if you confront him he will be mortified and your relationship will never be the same!!

I’ve never heard of a toddler doing that…. I adopted and I didn’t have the pleasure of having all five of my children as tot’s … but of the three I did have as toddlers, none of them ever did that…

 

[mayasmom]

First, I'm not sure you know that.

Second, I don't think the other parents are telling you to say that masturbation is OK, just that it's not your first order of business at this point. It's time to start talking with him about sexuality, to help him decide how to get to know girls, etc. Maybe at some point you'll want to talk about masturbation, but don't start with that.

Christians actually don't agree on masturbation. Even conservatives. I've seen conservative Christians advice married men on a long trip who think they might be tempted to use a prostitute that masturbation while thinking of their wife is a better alternative. Similarly for older teens who are worried that they're not going to be able to resist pressures to have sex.

The Bible doesn't deal with it specifically. The usual concern is that it can be part of a pattern involving porn and inappropriate attitudes towards women. But Jesus' statement about not lusting doesn't mean that it's wrong to think about women. The underlying Greek term has implications of a desire to possess. (The same word is translated "covet' in other contexts.) This is not a child wondering what it's like to have sex, or imagining himself with his favorite TV star.

For that reason you'll find Christian statements on the subject less clear than you might expect. Dobson is a typical example of someone who believes in sexual purity but whose experience working with kids suggests that you don't want to emphasize it. He's often quoted as saying the masturbation is OK, and I suspect he sometimes has said that. But his more common position is more ambiguous: Talking About Sex and Puberty - Focus on the Family

But I think the point people are making isn't that you should say "go ahead," but that it shouldn't be your focus or the way you start. You probably want to start talking with him. You don't need to talk about what you saw on his sheets at all unless you think he's worried about what you saw. No matter what he does you're occasionally going to see sperm on sheets or pajamas. As I understand it, the advice has varied between ignoring it to having him do his own laundry.

If you want to understand Dobson's concerns, browse the Christian advice and young adult forums. Young people can easily get obsessed by guilt over masturbation. Even if you think it's a bad idea (and i don't think it always is), the amount of guilt that it often causes isn't something Jesus would want.

I think this really good advice. I want to clarify my previous post . When I was suggesting you talk with him I meant about puberty and the changes he is going through. I dont think I would talk about touching yourself specifically. I dont think it's really necessary at this age unless you think he has a problem with it. Maybe you could find a book about puberty for boys at a christian book store or online and use it as a way to start the conversation. Just a suggestion!

 

[mom2teen]

No, I will not explain masturbation, I think he already knows that part. I would be too embarrised to explain that aspect of sex anyways.

Do other children touch at age 11 though, I mean have you caught them and had to speak to them about it whether you feel it's right or wrong.

 

[hedrick]

The most academic source I could find in a quick search is this: Research on Masturbation | Adolescent Sexuality by Dr. Karen Rayne

Note that the article is fairly explicit. If you look it be prepared. Summary: a lot of kids start before 11, although at adolescence it becomes more explicitly sexual.

 

[united4Peace]

I’ve never heard of a toddler doing that…. I adopted and I didn’t have the pleasure of having all five of my children as tot’s … but of the three I did have as toddlers, none of them ever did that…

Ya children do touch themselves...they rub against pillows or explore. The old saying..."Wash your hands first thing in the morning as one never knows where there hands were".
I know one person who would always smack their child. I disagree with that. I just explained, what your doing feels good but please do not do that ___(any where in public).
Ive explained to my kids as young as two yrs of age about privacy.
They can touch themselves (in private) however if anyone else does to say NOOO and to tell their father or I. Toddlers need to know about privacy IMO.
Here are some websites on touching yourself and children. There is even a Christian one that I posted.


Masturbation by Kids: Is Sexual Self Stimulation Normal for Preschoolers · Women's Health articles | Family's Health center | SteadyHealth.com

Dealing with Toddlers and Genital Touching - Associated Content from Yahoo! - associatedcontent.com

Children and Masturbation

Masturbation | BabyCenter

 

[united4Peace]

Ok, I just can't seem to come to terms and tell my son, I know what you did, I know it feels good but please make sure you do that in private...

I mean OH MY LORD, my son is masturbating...

I did not say to say that to a 11 year old. I said that is what I told my kids as young as 2 and 3. As they did not want to be in their room alone, they would stop and find something else to do. I did not freak out, slap hands, etc.
At your sons age, Im sure he knows what he is doing.
Im sure my kids are doing that as well, however what they do behind closed doors is their business when it comes to touching yourself....I just do NOT want to know

 

[CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN]

He's 11, seriously I doubt he'll be having sex at this age. Has he been through sex-ed at school (I was in middle school)?

I never thought he's having sex,but it doesn't hurt to take about sex at some time.I wouldn't depend on sex-ed at school either.I just wouldn't bring up,I know u had a wet dream or touch a few days ago,because it's on your sheets.

 

[CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN]

No, I will not explain masturbation, I think he already knows that part. I would be too embarrised to explain that aspect of sex anyways.

Do other children touch at age 11 though, I mean have you caught them and had to speak to them about it whether you feel it's right or wrong.

They touch as young as 2 or 3 years old,so yes some 11 yearold are masturbating.

 

[mom2teen]

oh my lord, ok now I am in the hot seat. Last night talking a bath, I found his [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] in the tub . I need to speak to him but I also don't want to embarise him either,, what should I say or do

 

[united4Peace]

Leave it be!!

 

[mom2teen]

Everyone,, first and far most I want everyone to know that I am not excited about knowing my son masturbates. I am not here with a weird fetish about my own son masturbating.. I am trying to be the best parent I can be and it's never easy.

On New Years Eve we had a party to attend and running late as usual, I told my son to get in the shower and get dressed and then I would take my shower. After my son was done, he got out to get dressed and I then took a shower but to my surprise I found [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] .[bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse],, this is disgusting . I finally had to say something to him. I felt embarrassed but at the same time felt relieved that I finally talked to him about this. He was devastated , didn't talk to me for like 2 hours. I know he was embarrassed but I had no option.

I am beside myself still but like I said, relieved that I finally talked to him

 

[Darkhorse]

Well, we seem to be coming from entirely different worldviews, but please give me the benefit of the doubt as a former-adolescent boy who masturbated frequently, starting at age 13...

Politely tell him that, if he is going to touch, then he has a responsibility to clean it up, the same as anything else he does which makes a mess. He needs to wash out the shower or bathtub, use toilet paper or tissue in other places, change his sheets after ejaculations (regardless of the source), and wash his hands. This is common courtesy.

I really think emphasizing the "wrongness" of masturbation will do more harm than good in the long run...

By the way, I have 2 teenage boys, and I follow my own advice!

Hope this helps...

 

[hedrick]

Yeah, it's probably good that you talked. My concern, based on previous postings, is what you said. It's completely appropriate to ask him to clean up. But he's going to have nocturnal emissions or touch (probably both). If he thinks that both of them upset you, he's in an impossible situation.

 

[Timahani]

Tell me about it I am a single parent I am raising my sixteen year old brother and he has been struggling with alot of impurity in his life....thus I have to confront him and talk about uncomfortable things...whatever you do mom DONT IGNORE thi critical stage in his life....if he doesnt gain the knowledge that he needs from you he will get his information from friends...not good...and you as his mother may feelthat he is too young but trust me he hasbeen exposed to more than u can imagine...so my ad advice is ....: Start SMALL....talk about perhaps about how are bodies are our temples anx how we should respect ourselves and girls...Acknowledge thet he changing and will sopn be experiencing the changes from boy to a man....so start small and build up from there......on this issue become his friend and confidont.....also....u can encourage him thatif herver had questions...that he can write them in a journal and u can answer him back
.that way if he is to embarrassed it gives him another outlet to communicate with you...I promised my foster daughter that on the sex issue I will never be mad...ever! and she really opened up to me.

 

[Inkachu]

Hi all

I am new here and something happened this morning where I am stuck and I don't know who to turn too.

I have a son who is 11 and ( okay I am blushing ) but when I stripped his bed to wash his sheets, I think he may have had a wet dream.

Now I am so embarrised and as a single mom, I don't know what to do. Do I approach him and explain why this happened? What if it wasn't and he was masturbating,,,, I am like feeling so clueless right now and feel like a failure being his mom and parent...

Can someone help me

Lost mom

OK, I know this thread is really old, and the kid is like 13 now, but it's still a topic worth discussing.

I was a single mom to a boy for 11 years, so I can relate!

First of all, have you even had "the talk" with him yet? If not, do it now! Kids are exposed to sex earlier and earlier these days, and you need to arm this boy with knowledge. He's going to get a sex education from either YOU or the world. Where do you want him to get his information from? If it's you, start talking TODAY. Be honest. Don't be afraid to be graphic. Answer his questions. It's OK if you turn red and stutter and feel like you want to disappear. Just STICK WITH IT and do your best to make him comfortable by not showing your own discomfort if possible lol. Impress on him that sex is natural and created by God, and his feelings and thoughts and bodily functions are completely normal. Tell him he can come to you with any questions or concerns he has; this is CRUCIAL. You're the only parent he has, and if he isn't comfortable coming to you, he's going to go to his pre-pubescent friends or the internet, and you don't want that.

As for the sheets, if he hasn't mentioned it, I wouldn't. My son used to think he had wet the bed. I never noticed, honestly. But when he finally mentioned it to me (he's pretty open with questions and comments), I told him it's perfectly normal, it's just part of his "manly parts" getting ready to grow up and function like a man, it's like a test run to make sure everything works. He was fine with that. Like, the other night, he apparently had an erection while trying to use the bathroom. He wasn't overly embarrrassed or horrified, he knew what it was (we'd talked about that, too) and just came out and told me how frustrating it was to try to pee lol. It's not something a mom wants to think about; her little baby turning into a sexual being. But it's life! And we have two choices: hide from it and make our kids feel awkward and embarrassed, or face it head on, and reassure them that it's natural, normal, and we're here for their questions! After all, WE grew up and had sex, or we wouldn't be moms sitting here talking about this, right?

 

[Inkachu]

I'm kind of in the same boat as far as masturbation goes. If it's happening, I don't want to know. I always knock before entering my son's room, he sleeps like a rock (he doesn't lie awake after bedtime, he's out in about 30 seconds) and he gets himself up in the mornings on his own. I'm on the fence about whether I think it's an OK thing to do or not. If he wanted to talk about it, I would probably tell him that God wants him to be pure, to respect his body, and that he should pray on it. I know this is a very impressionable age when it comes to sexual things, and this is also the age when boys can fall into porn or just become way too addicted to masturbation in a way that's not healthy... so I'm really gonna have to leave him in God's hands. There's only so much a mother can do or say; what happens in the privacy of a kid's room, is up to them.

 

[Johnnz]

First of all, have you even had "the talk" with him yet? If not, do it now! Kids are exposed to sex earlier and earlier these days, and you need to arm this boy with knowledge. He's going to get a sex education from either YOU or the world. Where do you want him to get his information from? If it's you, start talking TODAY. Be honest. Don't be afraid to be graphic. Answer his questions. It's OK if you turn red and stutter and feel like you want to disappear. Just STICK WITH IT and do your best to make him comfortable by not showing your own discomfort if possible lol. Impress on him that sex is natural and created by God, and his feelings and thoughts and bodily functions are completely normal. Tell him he can come to you with any questions or concerns he has; this is CRUCIAL. You're the only parent he has, and if he isn't comfortable coming to you, he's going to go to his pre-pubescent friends or the internet, and you don't want that.

As for the sheets, if he hasn't mentioned it, I wouldn't. My son used to think he had wet the bed. I never noticed, honestly. But when he finally mentioned it to me (he's pretty open with questions and comments), I told him it's perfectly normal, it's just part of his "manly parts" getting ready to grow up and function like a man, it's like a test run to make sure everything works. He was fine with that. Like, the other night, he apparently had an erection while trying to use the bathroom. He wasn't overly embarrrassed or horrified, he knew what it was (we'd talked about that, too) and just came out and told me how frustrating it was to try to pee lol. It's not something a mom wants to think about; her little baby turning into a sexual being. But it's life! And we have two choices: hide from it and make our kids feel awkward and embarrassed, or face it head on, and reassure them that it's natural, normal, and we're here for their questions! After all, WE grew up and had sex, or we wouldn't be moms sitting here talking about this, right?

That's really healthy. There is openness about his bodily development and sexuality which is great.

John
NZ