Protecting "Normal" Friendships While Employed In Ministry

[Mark Rogers]

Over time, one of the most damaging aspects of employment in a church or Christian ministry is the deterioration of "normal" relationships. Most often when a minister's employment ends, their relationship with the church does also. That is not God's intent.

In my own church employment, I once had an associate tell me that I had to look at people first through the eyes of a staff pastor before looking at them as a friend. I politely pointed out the difference in our backgrounds and asserted that I could and would retain normal relationships with friends. And I assured him that could be done while keeping absolute pastoral integrity.

If you are employed at a church or other ministry, don't let anyone, regardless of how respected, tell you that you cannot retain normal friendships with people outside the ministry staff.

After being employed for 9 years at a church, ending that employment through resignation, my relationship with my church remains strong. My family and I will likely be there serving till Jesus returns. That was pulled off because I guarded close friendships throughout my employment. And that does not mean other staff friendships.

It was a few of those great friends who walked me through and supported me when I knew it was time to resign. It is those friendships that are pure gold now that I'm no longer employed at the church. All is as it should be with the church and my family.

No matter where employed, let friendships outside the staff develop normally and guard them vigorously.

 

[MPaul]

All very true, but the difficulty may lie in how the other person of the relationship views your friendship. Is that person's conception of you realistic, or does it have idealistic expectations, that you actually never will live up to? And if the friendship is not based on reality, then what is it?

 

[Mark Rogers]

All very true, but the difficulty may lie in how the other person of the relationship views your friendship. Is that person's conception of you realistic, or does it have idealistic expectations, that you actually never will live up to? And if the friendship is not based on reality, then what is it?

Well, this is really not about specific friendship "personal issues" with any given individual. The situation you're describing could exist in any relationship.

This is a broad issue about a minister's attitude toward friends and friendships in the context of being employed at a church or other ministry. Those can develop and remain as normally and strong as in any other situation.

 

[MPaul]

Well, this is really not about specific friendship "personal issues" with any given individual. The situation you're describing could exist in any relationship.

This is a broad issue about a minister's attitude toward friends and friendships in the context of being employed at a church or other ministry. Those can develop and remain as normally and strong as in any other situation.

But what I was trying to say is, that my attitude is affected by the expectations of people who want to be friends, because they think I'm someone that I am not... it can really put a kink in things. I have to adjust my attitude accordingly, and it is not like having a friendship outside the church at all.

 

[Mark Rogers]

But what I was trying to say is, that my attitude is affected by the expectations of people who want to be friends, because they think I'm someone that I am not... it can really put a kink in things. I have to adjust my attitude accordingly, and it is not like having a friendship outside the church at all.

I understand. And that's why it has to be intentional and determined. While most any Christian church will claim to do things "according to the Bible", that most often is true until it comes to the church staff.

The employment expectation becomes the expectation of the congregation toward the staff. And the staff should be as much a part of the church, in a Biblical capacity, as any other church member. That includes in the area of relationships and friendships.

Over 9 years of employment at a large church hundreds of people came "through our lives" so to speak. The ones who became true friends were the ones that accepted our humanity, while correctly respecting my position. It becomes a matter of balancing responsibility with the determination to correctly relate to other Christians.

With us, it took a lot of sorting things out with people. But it was worth it.

A minister, not allowing people into their life, with the potential for friendship, will result in isolation. That's whether it's in a small church or a church with thousands.

When an assignment ends under those circumstances it often leaves the minister and their family without a church home and confusion about where to go and what to do.