Processing things people say about you

[memoriesbymichelle]

For me, self reflection is very important. It didn't use to be when I was younger. Back then, I wanted people to accept me for who I was and not try to change me.
Nowadays when someone says something about me, especially when it is negative, I reflect and ask God "is this true?" and if so "what should I do about it?"

So kind of odd ends of the spectrum, but recently I found out thru my step daughter being upset with me, that she has thought that I always have acted "holier than thou" So I'm reflecting....I don't see myself that way and I think in that case she is entitled to her opinion, but I think since she said it in anger she was trying to hurt me (which it kind of does) but in the future conversations with her I will have to make a more concentrated effort to show I am not "holier than thou".

So then....I was talking with a friend that dated/lived with my husband's best friend for 7 years. He has since passed away. Now this guy was an odd person. He was a great friend and really helped me take care of my husband when he was ill before he died, but there was always an air of secrecy about him. Well come to find out he had alot of secrets. But when I was talking with her this weekend, she told me something that completely blew my mind (and my opinion of this guy). I have never wanted to say something bad about him because of all the times he was there for me before, during and after my husbands passing. Even though there are some shady things in his past and some of the things he would say would make me go , I defended him because of all the times he was there for me when I needed someone to take care of my husband while I had to work etc.
But anyway, I was talking to his previous girlfriend this weekend and she told me that he told her that shortly after my husband passed away, I showed up at his house in a see thru neglache! and supposedly he told her that he just had to walk away.....THAT NEVER HAPPENED! It is SO not even me it's pathetic! I don't even know how to process this. I think he must have been trying to get his gf jealous? IDK, but I'm glad she told me, so that I could tell her that that never happened, but I can't even believe that he told her that (but I do believe her, why would she lie? I mean he's dead so...)

SO.....the big question for this thread is......How do you process things you hear that people say about you? Do you just slug it off? Do you care? Do you confront them (if their still alive)? How do YOU process things people say about you?

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Nowadays when someone says something about me, especially when it is negative, I reflect and ask God "is this true?" and if so "what should I do about it?"
Sounds about right. I think when we are young we tend to think we know everything and expect people to accept us. I guess its why the say "We were all young and stupid at one point!". Now that I am older I examine myself when someone brings up something and I ask other "I was told I am this... be honest, do you agree?".

...that she has thought that I always have acted "holier than thou"...

There are some that do that, but they are not the majority. I've seen alot of your posts and you don't come off like that. Most people who say someone is being holier then thou I notice say it out of anger because they see that person is better then them at something.

Example, my mother has anger/bitter issues from being sexual abused as a child. So naturally I learned to get angry in my teens after watching her act that way. But now that I have it back under control shes gets mad when I tell her "Why are swearing and so upset about <insert event>?". She tells me "Oh sorry, Mr.Holier Then Thou now that your changing!" >.<

Lets be honest, when it comes to being a christian its hard when someone else tells you that you are failing in some part of your christianity. We want to be perfect, even though we know its impossible, we still don't like when someone points out the imperfections (even if they are wrong).

SO.....the big question for this thread is......How do you process things you hear that people say about you? Do you just slug it off? Do you care? Do you confront them (if their still alive)? How do YOU process things people say about you?

As stated above I examine myself. I ask others if they see anything I need to change that I may not see. I pray about it and so on. In the end I don't get annoyed when someone says something. Even if they say it to aggravate me I forgive them and move on. However if they are right I thank them for pointing it out.

 

[MorkandMindy]

Hi Michelle,


I look for the motive behind the words


My guess would be the secretive man wanted to impress his girlfriend and lied to her to that end without taking full consideration of the other consequences.

And perhaps your step daughter feels neglected and is saying things to see how much you care and claims you are putting yourself on a pedestal above her and don't fully accept her as a loved equal.

But I may be wrong, I usually am.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Hi Michelle,


I look for the motive behind the words


My guess would be the secretive man wanted to impress his girlfriend and lied to her to that end without taking full consideration of the other consequences.

And perhaps your step daughter feels neglected and is saying things to see how much you care and claims you are putting yourself on a pedestal above her and don't fully accept her as a loved equal.

But I may be wrong, I usually am.

I don't know what my friend's motive was other than to "appear" to be sought after? He had nothing, but always acted like he was da man. He told other people how he was in this business or that business, but in reality he wasn't. Sad for him. I always knew there was something "off" about him though.
As far as my step daughter is concerned. I'm sure her motive was to hurt me. I don't really even mind the holier than thou comment so much. I don't think I act that way, but I do try to be a good christian. NOT a perfect christian, but the best me I can be. I actually get agitated sometimes with my other christian friends because I KNOW how judgemental they are and even some things about me might cause them to quit associating with me if they knew, so I definitely am not holier than thou.
The thing she said that really stabbed my heart was that she said her dad beat her cuz of me! First of all, he never beat her. When she was little she did get spankings but he would always sit down and talk with her first and make sure she understood what she was getting a spanking for. When she became a teen (and a very wild one at that) there are two altercations I can remember. One was we went to her teacher conference and she was doing really bad in school, but was telling us that she was doing great. My husband did get really mad that time and tried to spank her, but she resisted and he ended up pushing her against the wall and then sitting on top of her to hold her down because she was like a wild animal. To hear her tell it he threw her across the room and she slammed into the wall. In reality she was already at the wall and he pushed her back to hold her there because she was flailing and swinging and kicking at him. Another time they got into it because she shaved the underneath part of her hair without permission and when he saw it and asked her about it she said "It's just a F N hair cut! and then he hit her. But she is saying he beat her while I was away, and yet she is in her 30's and this is the first time she mentions it? in anger? So I definitely think she was saying it to hurt me. Funny she gets mad if I say my husband would have loved to have a free college education. She says don't speak for him cuz he's dead, but she can say he beat her cuz of me and he's not here to answer or defend what she said. I love how tolerance only seems to go one way.

 

[blackribbon]

I find that people who accuse others of being "holier than thou" often are dealing with some sort of guilt within themselves. It seldom has anything to do with the other person. They are trying to "accept" or excuse some sort of behavior that isn't really acceptable even to them...and being around the "holier than thou" makes them realize it. It is a rebellion against God, really.

 

[MorkandMindy]

Greetings Michelle

It appears to me that confirms your friend's motivation - he was out to impress others and would say anything to achieve an impression even things that make you look bad.

I would guess your step daughter is very dissatisfied with the overall success she is experiencing in life and is finding people to blame for it to reduce her pain.

 

[MorkandMindy]

I do agree entirely with both of you.

The reason she is exaggerating the events is because it helps in a more obvious way to bring the pain into the proportion that she experienced in herself. Even just words from someone who is a pillar of your life can cut very deep. She has no way to express how much it hurt; even exaggerating doesn't achieve what she needs to say.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Yep I agree agree agree with you both!

 

[MorkandMindy]

"You cannot solve problems with the same level of consciousness that created them." --Albert Einstein

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

"You cannot solve problems with the same level of consciousness that created them." --Albert Einstein

excellent my dear Watson!