Hi, all! It's very cool to be apart of this forum, and I want to start off by wishing you all a Happy Thanksgiving!
I guess to start this off, I should give a little unique background info on myself, just so all of this makes sense and doesn't get taken out of context. Throughout my entire life, I've had a contrasting struggle between the strength of my faith and how to deal with it compared to earthly desires driven by the talents God gave me. Since I was 16, I've done some things that a lot of people wouldn't be able to say: I've been a professional wrestler, a published horror novelist, and even produced, wrote and performed in 2 hip-hop LP's, all this without a high school degree, GED or any form of "qualified" higher education.
Despite all these accomplishments, I feel very empty and unaccomplished. Not to give too much detail, but one of the reasons I've always set out in accomplishing things in the more fantastic aspects of life is because of how I grew up and up until recently still lived in. My father died when I was very young, leaving me to live primarily with my mother, sister, and brother who is 5 years older than me. This brother, a half sibling, was not allowed around us a lot due to my alcoholic father holding something against him not being his own blood, so therefore it was a bit of a culture shock after Dad died and we moved in with them. A traumatic experience had happened to my sibling when he was very young, leading to most of his early life being a struggle of drugs and mental issues that unfortunately grated on me due to my own submissive nature, which ended up manifesting as a form of mental and emotional abuse which kept me from learning and aspiring for some very basic things: learning how to drive a car, and seeking higher education, for instance. When I would try to do these things--things for myself, including making friends--he would and still does get very angry, even if they are things that don't affect him at all.
Obviously, developing close relationships with anyone else was basically impossible. Couple that with my faith, and I'd decided very early on that a dating life was something that would not be a possibility for me, and would only be something I'd pursue if it was true love and something I couldn't deny. At the age of 26, I have never had a one night stand, with only 2 romantic relationships in my entire life--one at the age of 13 that I regret, and the most recent one at 25, which has hurt me very much.
As this most recent girl and I got to know each other, we got very detailed about our hopes and what we wished to accomplish with each other. 7 years my senior and seemingly possessing the same moral attitudes as me, she convinced me to do many good things, including taking care of an on-going drinking problem and making myself attempt to learn some of those very basic things that I missed out on due to the isolation of my youth. We swore we'd both do anything for each other, and that we'd always forgive as long as we made an honest effort to try better. This was all great...until she bought her own house and got a new job. We were literally attached to the hip up to that point, with some minor problems in between that I'm sure every couple goes through.
Before these new, yet not unexpected developments occurred, we discussed what they would mean for us, her always telling me they would benefit us and bring us together more. Obviously, me not having any degrees or the ability to drive has made it very difficult for me to find a good job, a major insecurity that she assured me would not be something she would judge me for. As time went on, though, she began openly questioning my dedication to money--even after I'd left my job of seven years in order to pursue something better.to prove to her how much I wanted to contribute (something that, because of my major social issues, was very hard to acclimate to after being at the same place for so long). Upon finding out she was getting this new house, she asked me not to search for an apartment in order to get away from my hostile family situation, because we would be living together and it "made her sad" to think I didn't want that with her.
Fast forward a short time later, my brother and I get in one final fight where I decide because.of what this girl had me agree to, I can finally just stand up to him, leave this hell, and have a secure life where I can sit down to breathe for a minute and get this stuff in order--not to take advantage of this girl, but because she told me that's what she wanted for me and I would do the same if not more for her were the situations reversed. I bounce back and forth between friends and family, waiting for this woman who will he my wife to get settled in and we can begin to settle. Yet, after all this happened, I couldn't help but notice our communication, the basic foundation of our relationship, becoming less and less, to the point she moves into this new house and doesn't even ask me to help her move, despite the fact my dislocation has forced me to relinquish my job and become unemployed for the first time in 9 years.
This continues on and on. Finally, I confront her about it in a very detailed Facebook message. She reveals to me very coldly that in her normal life she is not a very relationship oriented person, and she made a mistake with acting how she did before she got all this stuff for herself. Next week, I go into suicide watch at the hospital, then I call her and ask her to come and talk with me, she does, everything's fine, and then next week she breaks up with me on Facebook and we haven't seen each other in 3 months since.
All my life, the one thing I've always prayed for was a sense of normalcy. I figured if I kept myself "pure" as far as my Biblical learning is concerned, God would one day reward me with the one thing I didn't think was possible: someone I could completely trust. All this book.writing and wrestling stuff sounds like a lot of fun, and they were, but the hard truth is that just because you have innate talent in something doesn't mean it's necessarily gratifying from a financial or spiritual sense. But these are what I had to keep me sane, and because of this girl's dedication to "practicality" that she notified me of during the end, I can't even focus on silly things like these anymore.
Which I guess leads me back to my faith. Between some of the filthy things I've said in my music and later in my writing, I've always felt very conflicted about my talents and how I was using them. Looking at how hard everything has hit me, the failure and wasted time of so many things I've been willing to dedicate every ounce of my energy and time to, I have to not question God's intentions, but wonder if I'm missing a huge obvious lesson that maybe He is trying to teach me.
I'm not even sure what a proper ending to this should be...I realize a lot of people are going through a lot worse; divorces, losing a child, etc.; it just seems like there's no point to anything anymore. Thank you guys for reading, and I truly appreciate it!
I guess to start this off, I should give a little unique background info on myself, just so all of this makes sense and doesn't get taken out of context. Throughout my entire life, I've had a contrasting struggle between the strength of my faith and how to deal with it compared to earthly desires driven by the talents God gave me. Since I was 16, I've done some things that a lot of people wouldn't be able to say: I've been a professional wrestler, a published horror novelist, and even produced, wrote and performed in 2 hip-hop LP's, all this without a high school degree, GED or any form of "qualified" higher education.
Despite all these accomplishments, I feel very empty and unaccomplished. Not to give too much detail, but one of the reasons I've always set out in accomplishing things in the more fantastic aspects of life is because of how I grew up and up until recently still lived in. My father died when I was very young, leaving me to live primarily with my mother, sister, and brother who is 5 years older than me. This brother, a half sibling, was not allowed around us a lot due to my alcoholic father holding something against him not being his own blood, so therefore it was a bit of a culture shock after Dad died and we moved in with them. A traumatic experience had happened to my sibling when he was very young, leading to most of his early life being a struggle of drugs and mental issues that unfortunately grated on me due to my own submissive nature, which ended up manifesting as a form of mental and emotional abuse which kept me from learning and aspiring for some very basic things: learning how to drive a car, and seeking higher education, for instance. When I would try to do these things--things for myself, including making friends--he would and still does get very angry, even if they are things that don't affect him at all.
Obviously, developing close relationships with anyone else was basically impossible. Couple that with my faith, and I'd decided very early on that a dating life was something that would not be a possibility for me, and would only be something I'd pursue if it was true love and something I couldn't deny. At the age of 26, I have never had a one night stand, with only 2 romantic relationships in my entire life--one at the age of 13 that I regret, and the most recent one at 25, which has hurt me very much.
As this most recent girl and I got to know each other, we got very detailed about our hopes and what we wished to accomplish with each other. 7 years my senior and seemingly possessing the same moral attitudes as me, she convinced me to do many good things, including taking care of an on-going drinking problem and making myself attempt to learn some of those very basic things that I missed out on due to the isolation of my youth. We swore we'd both do anything for each other, and that we'd always forgive as long as we made an honest effort to try better. This was all great...until she bought her own house and got a new job. We were literally attached to the hip up to that point, with some minor problems in between that I'm sure every couple goes through.
Before these new, yet not unexpected developments occurred, we discussed what they would mean for us, her always telling me they would benefit us and bring us together more. Obviously, me not having any degrees or the ability to drive has made it very difficult for me to find a good job, a major insecurity that she assured me would not be something she would judge me for. As time went on, though, she began openly questioning my dedication to money--even after I'd left my job of seven years in order to pursue something better.to prove to her how much I wanted to contribute (something that, because of my major social issues, was very hard to acclimate to after being at the same place for so long). Upon finding out she was getting this new house, she asked me not to search for an apartment in order to get away from my hostile family situation, because we would be living together and it "made her sad" to think I didn't want that with her.
Fast forward a short time later, my brother and I get in one final fight where I decide because.of what this girl had me agree to, I can finally just stand up to him, leave this hell, and have a secure life where I can sit down to breathe for a minute and get this stuff in order--not to take advantage of this girl, but because she told me that's what she wanted for me and I would do the same if not more for her were the situations reversed. I bounce back and forth between friends and family, waiting for this woman who will he my wife to get settled in and we can begin to settle. Yet, after all this happened, I couldn't help but notice our communication, the basic foundation of our relationship, becoming less and less, to the point she moves into this new house and doesn't even ask me to help her move, despite the fact my dislocation has forced me to relinquish my job and become unemployed for the first time in 9 years.
This continues on and on. Finally, I confront her about it in a very detailed Facebook message. She reveals to me very coldly that in her normal life she is not a very relationship oriented person, and she made a mistake with acting how she did before she got all this stuff for herself. Next week, I go into suicide watch at the hospital, then I call her and ask her to come and talk with me, she does, everything's fine, and then next week she breaks up with me on Facebook and we haven't seen each other in 3 months since.
All my life, the one thing I've always prayed for was a sense of normalcy. I figured if I kept myself "pure" as far as my Biblical learning is concerned, God would one day reward me with the one thing I didn't think was possible: someone I could completely trust. All this book.writing and wrestling stuff sounds like a lot of fun, and they were, but the hard truth is that just because you have innate talent in something doesn't mean it's necessarily gratifying from a financial or spiritual sense. But these are what I had to keep me sane, and because of this girl's dedication to "practicality" that she notified me of during the end, I can't even focus on silly things like these anymore.
Which I guess leads me back to my faith. Between some of the filthy things I've said in my music and later in my writing, I've always felt very conflicted about my talents and how I was using them. Looking at how hard everything has hit me, the failure and wasted time of so many things I've been willing to dedicate every ounce of my energy and time to, I have to not question God's intentions, but wonder if I'm missing a huge obvious lesson that maybe He is trying to teach me.
I'm not even sure what a proper ending to this should be...I realize a lot of people are going through a lot worse; divorces, losing a child, etc.; it just seems like there's no point to anything anymore. Thank you guys for reading, and I truly appreciate it!
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