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Problems with BF being late
- Thread starter JustLiz87
- Start date
read a book called 'boundaries' by henry cloud. its brilliant-it explains ways you can deal with things that you consider important and how to clearly explain that to others, as well as stick by your guns !
tell him its important for you....of course youve done this and it hasnt worked right?
well, one time when you are waiting for him to get you or whatever, instead of waiting for him, drive yourself, or be REALLY late picking him up to something HE thinks is important... he'll get the message. talking about it and saying you hate it doesnt always make the message clear. it may sound nasty, but just talking about it is not the most effective method always. we are talking about HABITS here...
tell him its important for you....of course youve done this and it hasnt worked right?
well, one time when you are waiting for him to get you or whatever, instead of waiting for him, drive yourself, or be REALLY late picking him up to something HE thinks is important... he'll get the message. talking about it and saying you hate it doesnt always make the message clear. it may sound nasty, but just talking about it is not the most effective method always. we are talking about HABITS here...
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~Beauty_from_Pain~
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Hmm...I didn't see the laughing part but now reading back, I see it. Yes, that is rather odd. He should know it is important to you. I would give him a chance; let him know for sure that you are not going to tolerate it because it is important to you.
If he won't try or doesn't want to...then I think it is time to move on and let him go.
If he won't try or doesn't want to...then I think it is time to move on and let him go.
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I think the reason he laughed is because he feels I overreact sometimes, which I do. I have my own problems with dealing with things and he knows that, so I guess that is his way of telling me "hey this is a not a big deal, stop stressing over it". Because when I'm stressed or in a bad mood, certain things, such as him being late bother me even more. I tend to overreact. Honestly, I wish I hadn't have wrote that he laughed because it is giving some of you the wrong picture. He is not a bad person at all. His laugh was in conjunction with telling me I'm really stressed and I need to calm down. Honestly, he's right, I get overly stressed and he's the one of the few who can actually make me forget about it. I'm normally a very happy girl who laughs at a lot of things, so if he laughs, I realize that this isn't as big of an issue as I'm making it out to be. Yet, it would still be a good thing for me to try to implement certain suggestions. I'm sure he'll be willing to try to fix things.
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I don't know. We would have to be there and see and hear the interaction to see what is really going on. It could all be as you said... his laughter at your overreaction.
BUT, I'm not totally convinced. Part of your stress and therefore part of your overreaction is that he was 90 minutes late meeting up with you!!!!! So what I see is him causing you distress and then blaming you for overreacting, and, worst of all, you agreeing that it is all your fault, as if expecting someone who claims he loves you to show up close to when he says he will is unreasonable.
To frequently leave you waiting on him is GARBAGE! (I'd use stronger language, but it would be deleted...) It's not as if he was tied up performing life saving medical procedures... If he is going to treat you this badly while you are courting, think what it will be like when you have been married for 10 years.
Rethink this relationship!!!!!!
BUT, I'm not totally convinced. Part of your stress and therefore part of your overreaction is that he was 90 minutes late meeting up with you!!!!! So what I see is him causing you distress and then blaming you for overreacting, and, worst of all, you agreeing that it is all your fault, as if expecting someone who claims he loves you to show up close to when he says he will is unreasonable.
To frequently leave you waiting on him is GARBAGE! (I'd use stronger language, but it would be deleted...) It's not as if he was tied up performing life saving medical procedures... If he is going to treat you this badly while you are courting, think what it will be like when you have been married for 10 years.
Rethink this relationship!!!!!!
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Mskedi
Senior Veteran
nahMish said:read a book called 'boundaries' by henry cloud. its brilliant-it explains ways you can deal with things that you consider important and how to clearly explain that to others, as well as stick by your guns !
tell him its important for you....of course youve done this and it hasnt worked right?
well, one time when you are waiting for him to get you or whatever, instead of waiting for him, drive yourself, or be REALLY late picking him up to something HE thinks is important... he'll get the message. talking about it and saying you hate it doesnt always make the message clear. it may sound nasty, but just talking about it is not the most effective method always. we are talking about HABITS here...
I would have to say that this is the absolute worst thing you could do. If you want him to respect what you think is important, than you should show him that you respect what he thinks is important. We can't expect what we don't give.
That said, if you want to be late for hangout time because you're in the middle of doing something and you'd like to finish it up first, then you should feel free to do that. It took me a lot of practice to do, but I can do it now. We'll say, for example, that we're going to hangout around 4 on Friday. But I'll end up on a roll with my lesson plans for next week and, rather than stop, I'll keep on going and let him know I'm running late and just say I'll get there when I get there.
I'll admit I've only done that a few times, but knowing that he doesn't mind is actually rather freeing.
And, like I said before, there's flexible times and set times. Limit your stress to the set times and I'll be willing to bet that the problem will largely go away.
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~Beauty_from_Pain~
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My bf would never laugh because I got upset at him for showing up late. He would apoligise.
I think you just have to talk about it and see what he says. I mean, you say that this is only for once a week when you see him. I think that he should show up on time for you when this is the only time that he even gives you. I don't think it is fair to you to have to wait for him for a long time because he just isn't thinking.
You'd be surprised though how many times men just don't think....it's their downfall.
I think you just have to talk about it and see what he says. I mean, you say that this is only for once a week when you see him. I think that he should show up on time for you when this is the only time that he even gives you. I don't think it is fair to you to have to wait for him for a long time because he just isn't thinking.
You'd be surprised though how many times men just don't think....it's their downfall.
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~Beauty_from_Pain~
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Mskedi said:I would have to say that this is the absolute worst thing you could do. If you want him to respect what you think is important, than you should show him that you respect what he thinks is important. We can't expect what we don't give.
That said, if you want to be late for hangout time because you're in the middle of doing something and you'd like to finish it up first, then you should feel free to do that. It took me a lot of practice to do, but I can do it now. We'll say, for example, that we're going to hangout around 4 on Friday. But I'll end up on a roll with my lesson plans for next week and, rather than stop, I'll keep on going and let him know I'm running late and just say I'll get there when I get there.
I'll admit I've only done that a few times, but knowing that he doesn't mind is actually rather freeing.
And, like I said before, there's flexible times and set times. Limit your stress to the set times and I'll be willing to bet that the problem will largely go away.
Thanks for your suggestions! I'm glad to hear them. I really didn't want advice such as rethink the relationship because this is the biggest problem we have and I feel that a large amount of this is due to the fact that he just runs late normally. He's just that kind of person. I thank you for giving me constructive advice.
While he may be disrespectful in regards to showing up on time, my boyfriend makes up for it in other ways, like other posters have said of their boyfriends. His tendency to be late isn't just with me, although he is on time for things with a set time, such as church and work and whatnot. I know it is important that we spend time together, but when it is just hanging out, I feel he sees that as a bit of leeway. It is not solely his fault we only see each other once a week. This happens because I am currently in college, while he works 40 some hours a week. The weekends are our only free time.
I'm sorry some people have gotten the wrong impression. I'm not defending him as some say I am. I realize he shouldn't show up late all the time. That's why I'm asking for advice on how to fix it. At the same time, I know he cares about me and he shows it in other ways. Yes, it hurts me when he is so late, but I have to deal with it by disccussing it with him and taking the advice from posters, such as keeping myself busy with other things.
He is not a jerk who disrespects me. He is a man with the tendency to run late. He loves me and I love him. I just want to do something about his tardiness.
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Tuffguy said:
He used to not call me at all, but I talked to him about that. Now, he waits to call me when he leaves, so I know when he's on his way. Still sometimes he forgets his phone or he forgets to call.
He'd lose his head if it weren't attached.
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Catholic Wife
Senior Veteran
My husband has been late for things his whole life. Everyone in his family knows this and jokes about it. There were even jokes made that he would be late for our wedding.
I've known from the beginning of our relationship that he usually runs late for things. He was almost an hour late for our first date!!! It's not that he didn't/doesn't respect me, he just doesn't view time the same way I do. He has that whole "hakuna matata" view of life and I'm the type of person who would rather show up early than late for anything. His lateness bothered me until I understood and accepted that this is the way he is and I learned a few tricks to help me cope. I don't know if these tips will help your boyfriend, but hopefully they will.
1. I told him my views and feelings about time and being late. This helped him to understand our differences and to be more understanding of my needs.
2. I would ask him to pick me up 1/2 hour earlier than needed because I knew he usually would be 1/2 hour late for pretty much everything.
3. I would make sure he knew which events were really important to me for us to be on time, like mass or baseball games. He made an extra effort to be on time for those events.
4. I would keep myself busy doing things I needed/wanted to do until he arrived. If I was in the middle of something, he would have to wait for me to finish what I was doing.
5. He would call me when he was leaving his apartment so I would know that I had about 30 minutes to wrap up what I was doing. If he took too long getting around to come pick me up, I would tell him to forget our plans and reschedule them for another time. This upset him, but he soon realized that his actions affected me and that there were consequences to his being late.
Over the years, he has made more of an effort to be on time and is getting better about not being late - especially for the "important" things (like me).
I've known from the beginning of our relationship that he usually runs late for things. He was almost an hour late for our first date!!! It's not that he didn't/doesn't respect me, he just doesn't view time the same way I do. He has that whole "hakuna matata" view of life and I'm the type of person who would rather show up early than late for anything. His lateness bothered me until I understood and accepted that this is the way he is and I learned a few tricks to help me cope. I don't know if these tips will help your boyfriend, but hopefully they will.
1. I told him my views and feelings about time and being late. This helped him to understand our differences and to be more understanding of my needs.
2. I would ask him to pick me up 1/2 hour earlier than needed because I knew he usually would be 1/2 hour late for pretty much everything.
3. I would make sure he knew which events were really important to me for us to be on time, like mass or baseball games. He made an extra effort to be on time for those events.
4. I would keep myself busy doing things I needed/wanted to do until he arrived. If I was in the middle of something, he would have to wait for me to finish what I was doing.
5. He would call me when he was leaving his apartment so I would know that I had about 30 minutes to wrap up what I was doing. If he took too long getting around to come pick me up, I would tell him to forget our plans and reschedule them for another time. This upset him, but he soon realized that his actions affected me and that there were consequences to his being late.
Over the years, he has made more of an effort to be on time and is getting better about not being late - especially for the "important" things (like me).
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JustLiz87 said:
I can relate. It sounds like you have tried talking to him about it, but bring it up again, and make sure he is clear on how important it is to you that he is on time. Tell him that when he is late it makes you feel not as important because he is capable of being on time fore everything else. I know it's hard because I'm in a very similar situation with my bf, and if you want to talk feel free to IM or PM me. Also pray about it. It'll at least help calm you down. Lastly, as hard as it is, if you love him, you may just have to learn to accept it. Me and my bf have been going out for over a year, and nothing has changed for us either, so I'm starting to get the feeling it probably won't. We'll see what God does though.
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YouthPastor
Name = Brett
I wonder - how many times would he be late to his job before getting fired?
Most people like this do not have a problem getting to work on time
Most people like this do not have a problem getting to work on time
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Well, I haven't read through all of the responses, so I may just be repetitive, but I understand how you feel. My boyfriend and I have struggled with this SO many times it is ridiculous.
You said that he has said to you that he doesn't have to be "on time" to spend time with you, right? Well, you have to change that if you want the situation to change. I know that can be hard - I know. But you can't get a different result by continuing to do the same thing. I really do like the idea of leaving or getting involved in something else 20-30 minutes after he has said that he will arrive. When I am busy, it seems that a) I am not so wrapped up in what my BF is doing and b) he somehow seems to be on better behavior if I'm not so concerned about him and his agenda. I don't know why. I've been extremely tied up lately and he's been more punctual than ever. Super odd.
What else? There is something to be said for accepting people's flaws to a point. He may never be exactly on time, but you obviously get the feeling that he is not sensitive to your concerns. That should change, if he really understands and cares.
Hope everything's getting a little better.
You said that he has said to you that he doesn't have to be "on time" to spend time with you, right? Well, you have to change that if you want the situation to change. I know that can be hard - I know. But you can't get a different result by continuing to do the same thing. I really do like the idea of leaving or getting involved in something else 20-30 minutes after he has said that he will arrive. When I am busy, it seems that a) I am not so wrapped up in what my BF is doing and b) he somehow seems to be on better behavior if I'm not so concerned about him and his agenda. I don't know why. I've been extremely tied up lately and he's been more punctual than ever. Super odd.
What else? There is something to be said for accepting people's flaws to a point. He may never be exactly on time, but you obviously get the feeling that he is not sensitive to your concerns. That should change, if he really understands and cares.
Hope everything's getting a little better.
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alwayz_remember_Calvery
Active Member
If you think something is important you don't waste it. No matter what it is. For example: If my parents would have only let me on the internet (and it was important to me) for a few hours a week, i wouldn't waste it doing dumb things. If being with you was/is important to you BF, then he won't waste it.
Many posters gave great advice, like waiting for 20ish minutes and then leaving to do something else. I have to agree with this. Also, is this something you can deal with forever? Can you handle having to tell you husband to show up to something 30+ minutes earlier than he's suppose to JUST so he's on time?
I think what you should depends on how serious you are and how much this bothers you. Personally, i can't handle people who are more than 20 minutes late. If my bf told me that he'd be at my house at 6:00, but didn't show up until 7:00, i'd be fuming and he'd better have a very good excuse why he was late and why he didn't call. He's been around 30 minutes later once or twice since i started dating him and he quickly learned that being that late is NEVER acceptable with me.
You also said that he get's irritated when you're late, but he expects you to wait for him? To me, that is unreasonable. I'd be having a serious talk with the boy. Tell him that you can't take the double standard anymore and that you won't wait an hour for him. Tell him that from now on you'll wait for him for a few minutes and then you're going to go do other stuff. If he has a problem with it, he can either change or leave.
Many posters gave great advice, like waiting for 20ish minutes and then leaving to do something else. I have to agree with this. Also, is this something you can deal with forever? Can you handle having to tell you husband to show up to something 30+ minutes earlier than he's suppose to JUST so he's on time?
I think what you should depends on how serious you are and how much this bothers you. Personally, i can't handle people who are more than 20 minutes late. If my bf told me that he'd be at my house at 6:00, but didn't show up until 7:00, i'd be fuming and he'd better have a very good excuse why he was late and why he didn't call. He's been around 30 minutes later once or twice since i started dating him and he quickly learned that being that late is NEVER acceptable with me.
You also said that he get's irritated when you're late, but he expects you to wait for him? To me, that is unreasonable. I'd be having a serious talk with the boy. Tell him that you can't take the double standard anymore and that you won't wait an hour for him. Tell him that from now on you'll wait for him for a few minutes and then you're going to go do other stuff. If he has a problem with it, he can either change or leave.
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YouthPastor
Name = Brett
I would give him 10 minutes (traffic etc.) if he is later than that & he has not called you to tell you he will be late (witha good reason or there will always be a reason) - the date has been cancelled.
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I
Inperfected
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Heres my thoughts... n they may've already been said...
my fiance and me have had a few areas that clash. so we had to find a way to sort them coz like this issue, they can't be left undealt with. So what did we do? We picked our 'big" problems with each other... For me it was particuallly inpatience (i was towards him) and also worried about time constantly... and his problem was grumpiness getting grumpy easily...
These all still happen, but on alesser scale, and usualy are fine. Infact we help each ohter with these problems too... i'd say the time we need to leave once, and he'll "Try" to stick to it. And I'll stop frustrating him as much.
That's your big issue, so tell him it's a dealbreaker. If yu can't see change in that area in the next while, it's over. But beware he may bring up an issue with u.
my fiance and me have had a few areas that clash. so we had to find a way to sort them coz like this issue, they can't be left undealt with. So what did we do? We picked our 'big" problems with each other... For me it was particuallly inpatience (i was towards him) and also worried about time constantly... and his problem was grumpiness getting grumpy easily...
These all still happen, but on alesser scale, and usualy are fine. Infact we help each ohter with these problems too... i'd say the time we need to leave once, and he'll "Try" to stick to it. And I'll stop frustrating him as much.
That's your big issue, so tell him it's a dealbreaker. If yu can't see change in that area in the next while, it's over. But beware he may bring up an issue with u.
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