Problems/ Benefits with Age Gap Relationships

[Stanfi]

What do you think are some of the problems and benefits of age gap relationships. For example where there is 10years in age diff, and the woman is older.

I find myself questioning whether such a relationship is "normal" or emotionally/ mentally healthy?

 

[FatBurger]

I knew someone who was 20 and married a 30 year old woman. Absolutely everyone they knew were for it, and thought they were perfect for each other and should get married. And the marriage was working out great.

It's not common, that's for sure, but it can work out and be a very healthy relationship. I think it comes down to how mature the younger person in the relationship is.

The younger person needs to really find out whether they are in the relationship because they truly love the person they are with, or if they simply like the idea of being with an older person. It's easy for some people to find themselves drawn to someone who is almost a father/mother figure, or to idolize the older, sophisticated Hollywood ideal.

The older person needs to understand that they are with someone who has less life experience (and very likely less maturity), and that it will definitely be a learning experience, and frustrating.

The specific benefits and problems in such a relationship depend far too much on the individual people. For example, a possible benefit could be that the older person is better at managing money, with more years of practice. However, it could be the exact opposite! A potential problem could be that the younger person is simply not mature enough for a relationship, and is still figuring out who they are. Again, it could be the opposite.

The best advice I can give is to talk to people in your life that you respect. Find out if they really think it's a good idea, and what problems they can foresee. You might be surprised by some of the responses (good or bad), but their input is invaluable.

 

[PurpleBunny]

What do you think are some of the problems and benefits of age gap relationships. For example where there is 10years in age diff, and the woman is older.

Well, I am 4 years older than my fiance and we are getting married in July.

Some observations I've made during the past two years...

--he was ready to settle down before me
--I'm at the career stage of my life whereas he is still looking at going to school (he has his B.A. but is working on getting into grad school)
--he is better at not blowing money on small things but I am better at not blowing money on more expensive things, so that sort of balances
--as far as maturity goes, his relationship with his parents isn't the greatest (they still treat him like a child) whereas my parents and I have an adult-to-adult relationship.

In every other aspect of life that we've come across thus far, we seem to be pretty evenly matched--in fact, my friends didn't believe how much younger than me he is until he pulled out his driver's license and showed them

 

[Stanfi]

I would be confortable with 4 years diff, i think that is acceptable, and considered "within your age", but 10 years is over the mark.

 

[fluffy_rainbow]

Well, here are my opinions based upon observing couples I've known where the woman was significantly older than the man.

Drawbacks:
1. Depending upon her age, she may have already passed her childbearing years, thus eliminating the possibility of the two of you having children. Plus, if she has children from a subsequent marriage or relationship, she may not be receptive to having any more children in the first place regardless of whether or not she was physically capable of it.
2. If she has been single that long, she may have difficulty adjusting from taking care of herself to being a wife.
3. Women are typically the more mature sex, age-wise. If the woman is, say, 40 and the man is 30 her morals and values may be totally different from the man's.

Benefits:
1. Because she is older she is more likely to be stable and not quite as flighty as some younger women.
2. Because she is older, the probability of her morals changing is unlikely.
3. She has acquired the wisdom from being on this planet ten more years than the man.

 

[Grommit]

*SIGH*

Does age REALLY matter? If the two of you can get along then what more do you require? I think maturity and education levels are more important than age. The more I think about it (which is not much, really) it's just a matter of personal comfort. I think everyone is just too caught up with social expectations and are too self-conscious to step "out of bounds" from the norm. And for the disputatious ones out there, No I am not endorsing the dating of little kids. Especially since toy's nowadays cost more than most dates!

Oh well...

Personally, I'm older than my gf by 6 years but I make up for that by being immature.

 

[kiora]

well, I am 18 and my fiance is 21 we have been going out since I was 15 and he was 18. We sort of balance out really, I have always beeen really mature for my age and he is not the most mature not as in he is doing boy things but the sort of thing that he would have no idea what to do without Mummy and without being looked after, whereas I have klived alone since I was 16

 

[rebel_conservative]

I don't see anything wrong with age-gap relationships, personality and compatibility is more important. my gf is 29, I just turned 22, but I've never really thought about the age-gap, I love this woman with my mind, body and soul and we will raise a family together, and I will take care of her forever.

we do not have any of the problems of age-gap relationships that fluffy propose, my gf has no children, and I am a very mature and sensible guy - I am not being big-headed or anything, everyone says so. also, we both want exactly the same things out of life - each other, love and to raise a family together

so IMHO age doesn't matter, personality and compatibility are more important, but what matters most, is love and mutual respect. if you have those things, don't worry about age, that is just lines on a tree and candles on a cake.

 

[Maeyken]

my bf is 8 years older than I am, but it works out very well. When we first met each other, we had a hard time believing we were that many years apart. I was very cautious to start dating someone that much older than me, especially cuz I'd never dated anyone before. Most of my concerns had to do with what other people would think. We talked about it some, and decided that really, what does it matter what other people think, as long as we're in a happy, healthy relationship. And that's how I still feel after a year

 

[sculpturegirl]

My fiance' is 9 years older than me. The benefits I see are:

1) Men take longer to mature than women. He is mature
2) He is settled into a career and ready to support a family
3) He owns a home (i.e. ready to support a family)
4) Has gotten all that "youthful craziness" out of his system
5) Is fiancially mature (i.e. ready to support a family)
Start to see a trend? With education taking as long as it does and the unstable job market it takes men a long time to settle into a career and mature enough to take on the daunting responsibility of supporting a family.

As for women, we tend to mature more quickly and have a time limit on having children. While we are able to have children in our 30s, it is much easier and healthier while we are still in our 20s. Just biology! So for a woman, who is ready to start a family to marry a man who is ready to support one seems to me the best option Of course, I am a wee bit biased because I love me dearest fiance' so much!

 

[halifaxhoney]

First off, an age gap relationship is not for everyone. When I talk with single friends I recommend the ones that I think are mature themselves.

I'd have to agree with sculpturegirl about the benefits. My boyfriend isn't as settled career wise but he's pretty much there. Older men tend to have their priorites straight. Most of the guys my own age that I know don't really. Nice guys just lost and missing direction.

So as far as I can see there aren't any problems with age it just depends on who the couple is.

Crystal

 

[Smashed Pumpkin]

I thought girls like guys to still have a little bit of "youthfull craziness" in them...

If you ask me an age gap of any more than about 10 years seems a little weird. Because if you think about it, when one person in the relationship was 20 they other was only 10 or under..... seems a little crazy to me.....

I think this opinion of mine might be because i'm still quite young. I think later on in life age difference becomes less of an issue due to people leaving full time education and activities that generally place same aged people together.

 

[YahwehLove]

What do you think are some of the problems and benefits of age gap relationships. For example where there is 10years in age diff, and the woman is older.

I find myself questioning whether such a relationship is "normal" or emotionally/ mentally healthy?

Im 39 and my wife (to be ) will be 22 in June.

Ive been married twice before to habitual adultresses and had decided to take Pauls advice and remain unmarried after I left my second wife when she refused to give up her lover, then moved in with him.

I met my ladyfriend right here on CF and we talked for near a year online and on the phone before we ever met.

I moved here in September so we could date and get to know each other more.

I have to say that she is more responsible and mature at 22 that any 35 year old woman Ive ever met.

I was a bit worried about her only being 22 at first. But she has shown me to be far more able to be in a sustained, faithful relationship than anyone Ive ever met.

Her absolute persistance in making this relationship work and showing me that she is not giving it up or tossing it aside for anyone or anything other than God Himself has made me see that there are indeed still women out there worth taking in marriage....and that age is not a factor with every individual.

Personally at 25, theres no way I could have appreciated her very wonderful qualities.
Even in my early 30s I would have been unable to see her for the wonderful person she is.

I think at 37, when we met, was the first time in my life that I could have seen the person she was inside and knew that this is the person I wanted.

As for your implication that such an instance may not be emotioanlly healthy, I think you need to consider that my lady friend has had some emotional issues that years of therapy could not even scratch the surface of.

She has severe phobias that her therapist of years told her she could do nothing more for and dropped her.

Before her and I even met in person, thru our talks, prayer and bible study alone she overcame the most major fear she had that she had been dealing with most of her life.

Since then shes tossed aside many more and is working on the final stages of the last ones.

Id be very careful, if I were you, of stereotyping because of age.

Lots of younger women are much better off with older, more mature and caring men who can respond to their needs sincerely and who arent driven by sexual urges as teenage boys and young men in the 20s mostly seem to be.

 

[YahwehLove]

I would be confortable with 4 years diff, i think that is acceptable, and considered "within your age", but 10 years is over the mark.

But you see, this is nothing but YOUR opinion.
IT has no actaul bearing on reality.

it is what YOU are comfortable with and that is fine.

But when you judge me and my relationship, then you have stepped on my toes and the toes of the woman I love and who loves me.

In all honesty, the situation would actaully be none of your business or anyone elses.

 

[YahwehLove]

I thought girls like guys to still have a little bit of "youthfull craziness" in them...

Well, Im 39 and I I like to wrestle and tickle her and play in the snow sometimes with her.
we have a lot of fun...maybe its because I refuse to to let go of some of the playful boy in me.

If you ask me an age gap of any more than about 10 years seems a little weird. Because if you think about it, when one person in the relationship was 20 they other was only 10 or under..... seems a little crazy to me.....

your opinoin.....duly noted, but irrelevant.

Im 39, shes 21.
I have been very careful to make sure at every stage in this relationship that she feels very comfortable knowing she can tell me she just wants to be firends and it wil remain there.

The thing is, when I was your age, theres no way I could have done that.
I would have been like any young man and even put pressure on her to stay with me, even if she didnt want to.

Good women deserve more than some young man who just doesnt want to be alone, as I was.

I think this opinion of mine might be because i'm still quite young. I think later on in life age difference becomes less of an issue due to people leaving full time education and activities that generally place same aged people together.

Now see, you just earned my respect and you make me see that you are much more mature than Id have thought.

You dont just toss out your opinion and think your right...you have evaluated WHY you might be feeling the way you do and accepted that it may not be entirely the proper perspective on the issue (unlike others, it seems).

Id say if you can do this for the remainder of your life, you most likely will make some woman a wonderful husband when you do marry.

Its not about age, its about 2 people who take the time to fall in love with each other.

Sure, 10 years ago she was too young for even a serious bf.....but now she is almost 23 and knows what she wants in her life.
She wants a mature, kind, loving, attentive man who can make her feel secure and cared for.
Someone who she trusts will be there for her.
Someone who will wake up with her at 3am when she is scared or sick or even just needing to talk.

Im sorry to say that a lot of younger men just dont offer that to a woman.

 

[rebel_conservative]

Lots of younger women are much better off with older, more mature and caring men who can respond to their needs sincerely and who arent driven by sexual urges as teenage boys and young men in the 20s mostly seem to be.

hmm... being a "young man in my 20s" I could very well take offence at that! lol but I don't offend easily and it is sadly very true

now I really don't want to judge, but those obsessed with sex, drinking, partying and such are not, imho, "young men" they are nothing but Yahoos

of course no-body is perfect, I most certainly am not! but what passes for 'kultya' these days really depresses me

 

[MLM103169]

I find it rather interesting that you felt the need to point out that relationships where the woman is older may not be mentally stable. That insinuates that it is ok for a man who is older but not a woman. Isn't that hypocritical?
Maturity levels have more to do with life experiences and how you handle them. Someone younger may very well have experienced more in life than the older person.
Isn't there enough hate and negativity in this world? If they are two consenting adults, let them love who they choose to love.
I am 43 and my guy is 31. He was the one who pursued me. I turned him down at first but the more I got to know him, the more I cared for him. We have been together for the better part of nine years just as of last week.
I thought this was a Christian site. To judge others simply because you aren't in love with someone 10+ years your junior, doesn't make it illegal or morally wrong. To judge age difference between two adults is like getting on here saying "I think it's wrong or mentally unstable for blondes to be with brunettes". Do you realize how silly that sounds? It's your personal preference. I am not going to walk away from someone I love just because someone else is uncomfortable with it. Don't approve? Then don't sit in my pew.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

When I was 29 I was dating a woman who was 41. Which was about my limit for age gaps. As my dating life went on over the years I found myself dating women over 25 preferably. I mentioned in another topic I don't think men or women hit a mature enough level to marry until around 25. Its around that point we finally realize our teenage/young adult ways seem silly and we focus on more important things like our life ahead.

My wife is almost 28 now and I am 31. So its perfect for me and her. She knows a woman from her country whos 25 and married a man in his 50s. I wasn't going to tell her what I think but sometimes theres a massive age gap for totally wrong reasons.

 

[K9_Trainer]

To me, the biggest issue is probably going to be potentially different stages of life and may want different things for the future, particularly if the individuals are still young. A 20 year old marrying a 30 year old...Well, the older individual probably already has a steady, stable job and may be ready to start having kids. The younger one is just beginning and may not even know what he/she wants in life. Their future is less clear.

There may also be a slight generational gap that could make it harder to relate to one another. You didn't grow up in the same decade, which means you didn't get exposed to the same things.

But really, 10 years is insignificant, especially for older couples. My boyfriend and I have a 5 year age gap and it's not a big deal. I'm younger, but I'm working on my masters degree, and he's getting his BS this year. He's not working, but living off money he's saved up. I still live at home, but work 2 jobs part time. Stages of life really aren't that far apart. Plus we both agree no kids.

 

[Fenny the Fox]

There may also be a slight generational gap that could make it harder to relate to one another. You didn't grow up in the same decade, which means you didn't get exposed to the same things.

I would say this is definitely one to think of if there is much of an age gap. I have been, for the 5 months or so now, in a somewhat relationship with someone 8 years my elder. And am now actually dating them. And yes, that generational gap does play into things now and then - every once in a while he references something that goes over my head. But then again, we both love older, classic TV, music, etc., so it works out pretty well really.

I am a bit "well-read" if you will, and get called an "old soul" a lot, so I guess it isn't that much of a surprise that I ended up with someone a bit older than myself. I also know what I want in life and am working to get it, so I am happy to have some else who is mature about where they are and what they are working for.

Surprisingly, we aren't that far off of each other life-stage wise. Well, in some departments. He has been in a long-term relationship before (ten years before it ended), while I have not. He has his BFA and I am working to finish my BS (have it by December). And he has held more jobs than me.

But otherwise - we both are renting out living space. He only recently found a regular job after a year or so of free-lance work while I work contract labor when I have a job.

The age gap doesn't make a big difference to us, honestly.