Problems at home - Where is the truth?

[BigRed]

I am new to this forum and am glad to have found it. I am a firm believer that it is one thing to talk about the walk and another to walk the talk. I am trying to the best of my abilities to practice in my daily life what I am learning. I believe that I have been experiencing great life hardships so that in the end I seek GOD once and for all. That it is so I become the kind of person who lives the word of Jesus all the time rather than when I want to or find it convenient. I am concerned that my wife’s behavior is impacting out ability to have greater prosperity.



With that in mind to follow with my dilemma.



I have been married for 13 years and have 3 children ages 7 to 12. My wife on a regular basis makes commitments to me and other and breaks them. We have discussions about our children and household, from which the material facts are always changing. In some cases they are small things such as "I will be home at 6:00 or call" only to have her roll in at 9:00 without a call. Some seem more serious to me such as "I need to borrow $250.00 to pay the utilities" to find out that she did not pay the bills and can't payback the money. In all cases I find out by someone else or by accident in our conversations, she does not come to me as the events change.



I am so frustrated and feel lied too on a regular basis and my trust in her is fading.



I can also see this friction as a lesson for me, so that I relax and let go of my way of seeing things which are much more exacting and accountable.



The source of her problems is a business she is trying to get started. In some cases she anticipates what others will do and then act accordingly such as "Expecting a person to pay her for work done and therefore she will write a check for groceries. Only to have the people not pay her and therefore she has a bad check out, which she borrows the money to cover."



Sorry if this isn't really clear, she dropped another one of these little gems in my lap, for which I sought to find some online help.



What do I do?



Thanks

Don

 

[Jenna]

This may sound too simplistic to you, but if she can't be financially responsible, then why not remove the bill paying and such from her plate? She needs to understand that you can't spend money that you don't have, even if you think that it is coming. If she cannot learn to be more shrewd with the money, I don't see there being any success in the business that she works at. Maybe it is time to hang it up? It would be something to talk about at least? If shopping is a problem, and you worry that grocery money isn't going toward food, you could go shopping as a family. At the times when my husband and I have had problems with that, it really helped to have the checks and balances system of having each other around during money spending.

 

[desi]

I'm glad you said that instead of me Jenna.

 

[E-beth]

Welcome to CF Big Red!

Your wife sounds like she is very financially immature. If she can't be trusted to make the bills, and she asks you for money to pay a bill, then write a check out to the bill company, not given to her in cash. You have to look out for the kids and keep the family going.

I learned long ago that you can't spend money you don't already have because then there is always a chance you won't get it. I think Jenna is right...you are gonna have to step up and be very active in the finances because it seems she has her own agenda and you can't let her take the whole family down too.

 

[bliz]

As a wife, I have always had my own bank accounts and credit cards and I would scream bloody murder if my husband tried to tell me I couldn't have them... BUT it is clear that, at least for the time being, your wife is in way over her head in managing finances.

She will probably not want this to happen for fear that you will see what a mess her finances are in but she may secretly be hoping for help. You need to reassure you that you will love her no matter what and you cannot get angry over what you learn.
Perhaps it will be better if someone other than you helps her unwind the business finances and teaches her better ways to manage the money. An accontant may be willing to work with her for awhile to set things right.

Some people are simply not good with money, and your wife may well be one of them. She may also benifit from some business or accounting courses at a local business school or community college.

 

[DaveKerwin]

Don, take over the finances.

Express to her very clearly your concerns about her lack of consistency with following through on stuff, tell her how you feel in responce to her actions. If things seem unclear, get a third party to help. Above all, pray.

 

[BeanMak]

Just a suggestion- avoid conversations that start with "You never...." or "You always..."
There is nothing wrong with you taking over the finances- or better yet, the 2 of you sit down together each month and do the bills. Set up automatic bill pay from your checking account. Quicken is great for helping to manage. Just a question- why is she "borrowing" from you- you are in this together, why isn't the bills coming from a joint account?

 

[selune]

I agree that it would help to have you start paying the bills, but the way you stated it concerns me. If your wife feels she has to "borrow" money to pay family bills, what kind of situation is going on there? The money coming into the household is the family's money, not hers or yours. She shouldn't have to "borrow" to get necessary bills paid. Maybe it's just a wording issue, but I'm concerned that she may feel like she has no freedom and this is a way to exert freedom by using the money as a way to get back at you for holding the money and not using it as a joint family account. Hope things work out.

 

[BigRed]

First, thank you for the responses so far.



I had thought the conversation would drift into one about how to view the issues from a spiritual perspective. That is what I wanted; because that was what I had thought should happen. That by itself is funny as my thinking one more time messed me up.

If that is what I wanted us to discuss, then I should have said it clearly. I apologize.



I believe that everything happens for a reason and it is from that perspective I am looking at the following.



The issue with my wife is not just focused around money. It has to do with making a commitment and sticking to it. It has to do with the reasoning she uses that does not allow for Murphy’s Law.



If I had done a better job in presenting the issue in my first post, I would have asked the following.



1. How do I know if these events are happening in our life to cause me to change what I am doing or for her to change what she is doing?



2. Is it possible that it is in my life so that I can be beaten into reasonableness when it comes to relaxing my stringent way of looking at things?



3. If it is happening in her life to bring pain unto her so that she will seek God’s will, does that mean that the family as a whole will suffer a lack of prosperity until she does?



Thank you

Don

 

[jwebhead]

1. How do I know if these events are happening in our life to cause me to change what I am doing or for her to change what she is doing
2. Is it possible that it is in my life so that I can be beaten into reasonableness when it comes to relaxing my stringent way of looking at things
3. If it is happening in her life to bring pain unto her so that she will seek God’s will, does that mean that the family as a whole will suffer a lack of prosperity until she does?

Going by the info requested by these questions this is just my humble opinion

answer to question 1. If you think there is a possibility that God is using this situation to change YOU, focus on that

answer to question 2.God does not use force or 'beats' people to do anything. If it feels that way I assume it is from your wife and you need to gently and compassionately tell her how this is making you feel. (If she comes across like she is 'beating' you and I understand what you mean, come to her humbly, quietly and lovingly. She may not mean to be so tough she may just be frustrated and not know how to express her fears without being hostile.)

answer to question 3. Sometimes we do go through pain to learn something. As a family, yes that may mean all of you suffer. There is no 'hanging the other out to dry' as they go through something hard. The things that you feel are directly affecting your family and their well being (I.E. money) then you need to be the head of the house and come to a decision (hopefully together) for the handling of the money. Perhaps even just an 'allowance' for her finical needs for her business. The necessities for the house, groceries, utilities then you need to take on 'more' responsibilities (for a lack of a better word) and do these things yourself. I realize it may be more than originally decided (who does what jobs in the marriage) but you have to be that head of the house but also balance it with love and honor and understanding to her as well.

It is not an easy situation but hang in there. One day at a time and fully lean on look at Christ. Take time each day to get refreshed by the Lord and the ONLY person we can change ourselves. Find what God is trying to teach you.
I hope and pray for peace and wisdom for you.