problem with work colleague (forgiveness)

[jameshjr]

Hello all,

I hope that you are all well.

I work for my Dads business with my brother and another lad (Jamie). I have shared the gospel with Jamie many times and he even started to attend my church fairly regularly. He even professes to be a Christian now. However, he has a habit of muttering very disrespectful things under his breath. I have addressed this with him many times over the past year or so, and now i am finding it very hard to forgive him and very hard to even be around him. It is at the point where it is affecting the business adversely and i am strongly considering leaving the family business.

In the past, i found it much easier to forgive him, and to let these insults go; however, i am finding it very difficult to keep forgiving him. Of course, Jesus told us to forgive a brother, or anyone who asks us to forgive them, an infinite amount of times, but does this mean that i need to stay in the same job to have the same thing happen repeatedly? Additionally, Jamie, never acknowledges that he has wronged me, making it even harder to forgive him.

I am hoping to get the opportunity to speak with one of the elders at my church about this (as they also know Jamie) to seek their counsel, but am struggling with waiting, so i hoped posting on here, and receiving others' wisdom will help me in the meantime.

I have also been wondering abut forgiveness, and what it would practically look like. would it mean that i am friendly with him once more, or would it be wiser to be on my guard with him; if on my guard, would that allow me to be loving towards him? i.e. be as wise as serpents and gentle as doves comes to mind.

Thank you,

Blessings,

James.

 

[JohnC101]

Matthew 6:14-15 "For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins".

You may need to have a serious conversation with him alongside someone else.

Try to forgive him of what he's doing, some people may not think that what they are doing is wrong or offensive.

 

[seeking.IAM]

Think carefully about going to work someplace else. Every place has its own Jamie.

 

[Delvianna]

I think people often misunderstand what forgiveness actually is. Forgiveness isn't allowing people to use you like a doormat, or an excuse to be around people we don't want to be around.

"Do not be deceived: “Evil company corrupts good habits.”" - 1 Corinthians 15:33

You can forgive someone from afar and also have boundaries which include not putting yourself in that persons presence.
Forgiveness is letting go of the anger, letting go of the hurt and giving it to God to deal with and handle. It's giving that person over to God. For instance, If you have a sibling and that sibling hurt your feelings, you are supposed to go to your parents. When you do this, it is the parents job to reprimand your sibling, not you. So the idea is the same. You're saying, "God, you deal with this. I forgive them, but you take the wheel."

Now, that doesn't mean there is reconciliation which is completely different. That doesn't mean you have to then, go ahead and take them back. Look at how God deals with us. Could Jesus forgive every single persons sins whether they accept them or not? Sure, but he doesn't. He only takes the people that repent... the people that want to change, want to be better, want to do away with sin. He extends that forgiveness once there is a change of heart.

We see the same example with Joseph (Genesis 37) who was sold into slavery by his brothers. He didn't extend his forgiveness until he put them through a test to make sure they were remorseful and changed. THAT is when he embraced them and treated them with nothing but love and kindness. Because if you continue to be around people who aren't changed, that will eventually corrupt you as Paul says.

So forgive him between you and God, but also pull yourself away from the situation in any means you think is necessary. Bring it up to the family that is in charge of the business if you think it helps so make you can stay away from that person, or find employment else where. This keeps your heart in tact, and so his behavior doesn't corrupt yours. Forgive from a far, but forgive. If he changes, then embrace him and don't keep previous records of what he did in the past but he has to change first.

 

[timf]

Forgiveness to restore a relationship requires the offending party to ask for forgiveness. One-sided forgiveness is usually simply the forbearance to overlook an offense.

Sometimes a person will mutter something under his breath to give him a feeling that he has some small amount of control in a situation he feels oppressive. Rather than being offended at the expression of frustration, you might show more concern for what is causing the person to feel so constrained that he has to use this semi-secret method to vent his frustration.

If he is so unhappy, you might ask what could be done to resolve whatever it is that is frustrating him. Someone once called swearing the emotional equivalent of bleeding. If you are able to show sincere concern for his discontent, you might be able to make a connection with him that rebuking his actions cannot achieve.

 

[seeking.IAM]

Forgiveness to restore a relationship requires the offending party to ask for forgiveness. One-sided forgiveness is usually simply the forbearance to overlook an offense.

I disagree. Forgiveness is a decision not to let the other person live rent free in your brain any longer, to let go of bitterness, hard feelings, or malice. It is a gift you give yourself more so than a gift to someone having to ask for it..

 

[jameshjr]

Thank you all for your messages.

I have had a number of jobs before this one, and i am very aware that people will be insulting, awkward, difficult, sarcastic etc. etc. though it has bothered and upset me in the past, it didnt bother me this much.

I have spoken with a few people close to the situation and they think that one of the reasons Jamie's behaviour bothers me so much, is that he is claiming to be a christian. Obviously none of us know what is in the heart of someone else, so i cannot make a judgement on this. My parents and others think that Jamie probably went to church because he wanted to be friends with me, and saw it as an equivalent as going to the gym or pub together.

Also, on timf's reply, that is something i can try to keep in mind, though it is hard when someone is very insulting. I do appreciate that Jesus calls us to that standard and that it is a mans virtue to overlook an offence.

I always think of Jesus's level of forgiveness, when he, God, was being abused on the way to being crucified, and asked the Father to forgive his abusers, and I fall so far short of that standard.

then the passage in Jude that mentions the archangel Michael disputing with Satan for Moses's body, and how Michael said, the Lord rebuke you, and did not condemn the devil. I think how much more holy the angel is than me, and how much worse the devil is than Jamie, yet i still think i have the right to complain about Jamie and harbour bad thoughts towards him. It makes me very glad for Romans 7! i.e. wretched man that i am.

 

[com7fy8]

He even professes to be a Christian now. However, he has a habit of muttering very disrespectful things under his breath. I have addressed this with him many times over the past year or so,

It is possible you don't have to listen to him. It depends on what is really going on.

and now i am finding it very hard to forgive him and very hard to even be around him.

Well . . . Jesus makes it easy to forgive. We need to get stronger in Jesus' love so we can be generously forgiving. This is needed first, maybe I mean, maybe > when others still can get the better of us, this can mean I still am not strong like I need to be . . . so then people can't get to me, plus I can forgive them and pray for them and care about them with compassion. So, maybe God will "allow" "things" to keep happening . . . until I get with Him the way I need to. In my case, anyway, it has been like this for me. Once I get it right . . . all of a sudden, even, certain things can disappear, even.

So, if you need real change about forgiving, then it is maybe even likely that you could go somewhere else and the same problem will be ready and waiting. Or, Jamie could be removed, then some other item person would come along.

It might have been like this with our Apostle Paul > 2 Corinthians 12:7-15 < have you read and fed on Paul's "thorn in the flesh" experience?

My take is his "thorn" was a demon who had various powers to work Paul over like a boxer using jabs and swings and combinations to test and wear out his opponent and then get to him through his weak spots. And Paul was getting pretty displeased at how things could get to Paul who was supposed to be so strong and mature and our so great of a church leader and example.

And Jesus would not quick-fix it.

Paul had to discover how to live in God's grace which would give him almighty rest plus our Creator's creativity for how to take advantage of any trouble and use it for God's all-loving good > > > **n-o-t** only to make things nicer to Paul.

So, may be you have something in common with our great Apostle Paul!

It is at the point where it is affecting the business adversely and i am strongly considering leaving the family business.

How do you mean this? Is Jamie saying things against other people and this is causing you to lose business? Or, do you mean he is distracting to you? Or both??

Anyway, now you have us praying for you. Let us know, please, how you are doing. What helps you could help me and others, too, you know.

 

[Delvianna]

Thank you all for your messages.

I have had a number of jobs before this one, and i am very aware that people will be insulting, awkward, difficult, sarcastic etc. etc. though it has bothered and upset me in the past, it didnt bother me this much.

I have spoken with a few people close to the situation and they think that one of the reasons Jamie's behaviour bothers me so much, is that he is claiming to be a christian. Obviously none of us know what is in the heart of someone else, so i cannot make a judgement on this. My parents and others think that Jamie probably went to church because he wanted to be friends with me, and saw it as an equivalent as going to the gym or pub together.

Also, on timf's reply, that is something i can try to keep in mind, though it is hard when someone is very insulting. I do appreciate that Jesus calls us to that standard and that it is a mans virtue to overlook an offence.

I always think of Jesus's level of forgiveness, when he, God, was being abused on the way to being crucified, and asked the Father to forgive his abusers, and I fall so far short of that standard.

then the passage in Jude that mentions the archangel Michael disputing with Satan for Moses's body, and how Michael said, the Lord rebuke you, and did not condemn the devil. I think how much more holy the angel is than me, and how much worse the devil is than Jamie, yet i still think i have the right to complain about Jamie and harbour bad thoughts towards him. It makes me very glad for Romans 7! i.e. wretched man that i am.

You have the right to complain, but you don't have the right to harbor bad thoughts (Matthew 5:43-48) but it's good that you're aware of what's going on and trying to fix it.

We are allowed to righteously judge (John 7:24), so when it comes to behavior, we are allowed to judge actions. That's why we have the teachings on wolves in sheeps clothing and false brothers. The point was to show that there ARE false brothers and there ARE wolves within the ranks of the church and so we can protect ourselves.

Luke 6:43-45 (NKJV)​

“For a good tree does not bear bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. For every tree is known by its own fruit. For men do not gather figs from thorns, nor do they gather grapes from a bramble bush. A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.”

We can know people by their fruit, so it's not a bad thing to judge a person by their character if you are looking at it for the point of being around someone. Essentially, you have every right to not want to be around murderers if you don't want to and that doesn't make you wrong for doing so. God just doesn't want us to judge self-righteously or hypocritically. So if it bothers you that much to be around him, you don't have to be. Some people might want to try and help him, but that doesn't mean you have to.

I'm not saying Jamie is unsaved, he could just be at the beginning stages of faith, but my point is, you can use discernment in what you think is the most Godly thing to do for you. God doesn't want us to put ourselves out there if it's only going to create stumbling blocks for our faith and it looks like right now it is since you're struggling with forgiveness. So regardless, there is nothing wrong with pulling back and saying that this relationship is just not something you are able to spiritually handle right now. Keep your walk with the Lord intact first and foremost. Maybe later on down the line, you might want to revisit, but it sounds like right now, you need a break.