Problem with Parents (Long read, but require advice)

[guitarintro]

I am getting more depressed as I stay at home. My parents are making me feel very uncomfortable; they are insecure, controlling and guilt-trip me constantly. My brother who is married and almost turning 40 gets told by my mother when he is allowed to have sex with his wife and how many times per week. This over-controlling is ridiculous! The problem is my brother is extremely passive and lets my mother dictate everything. As a result, he does not have his own opinion.

As the youngest child in the family, I feel I am a good person. I don’t do drugs. I have never had pre-marital sexual intercourse. I never got drunk. I don’t smoke. I don’t hang with gangs. I grew up in a church family. My close friends are Christians. I’ve completed my bachelor’s degree and now working full-time and saving. When my parents ask me to do something, I help them. I spend time with them. More importantly, I also love my family, but they are really hindering me right now. I just want to live my own life without their outrageous demands.

They demand so much from me that it’s starting to hurt me. And it makes me depressed whenever I am around them. When I hang out with church friends at a dinner, my parents are not supportive. Instead, they guilt trip me and say ‘you hang out with them, but not us’. The crazy thing is, I still eat out with my family! Sometimes I even treat them! It just seems like I can't have a good time with someone else without being guilt-tripped. They say things like 'we gave you so much and now you need to return the care'.

Their guilt-trip tactics are starting to really get to me and somehow they’ve manipulated my brother to do the same on me. He is now saying how I should stay at home more and now it is my responsibility to take care of them since he is going back home. I just find this very burdensome. I’ve already been splitting time between my work, friends and my family, and yet they are still demanding more out of me? Am I not allowed to have a life of my own? What they are saying seems so insenstive, as I have been doing what I can. I have friends who already left at a young age, friends who were teenagers when they ran away from home. I feel like they are really taking me for granted. Meanwhile, my sister and her husband is on vacation...

Then there is the money part. When it comes to money, my parents have always been very conditional. They may say they will pay for something, but they withdraw it mid-way. And if I talk about it, I get in trouble.

I know they just want to spend time with me, and I do. But I just feel like they want ALL of me, which is not something I can do, because I need to build my career, network, see friends, see church people, church activities. Yet they passively and actively pressure me.

The worse part is this has all made me very OCD and anxious. I’ve become less confident in myself because whenever I disagree with something, I am always wrong with them. I self doubt myself, but I know there are cases I am right. Sometimes the conversations we have do not have a right or wrong response, but I always have to agree with them or I get in trouble.

I need advice, please pray for me. I want to move out. I’ve talked about this on the forum before, but I don’t know how to go about it. I really need help. The past few days I have been unhappy and I just drive out to the suburbs and walk around by myself to clear my head. Sometimes I just stay out by myself with no agenda because I can’t handle being at home. I don’t even want to be around them at this time because I am so frustrated with how unreasonable and unfair they are.

 

[HorsieJuice]

I want to move out. I’ve talked about this on the forum before, but I don’t know how to go about it.

You go on the internet and look for apartments.
Then you contact the landlords of said apartments to go view them in person.
Then you pick one you like and sign a lease.
Then you rent a truck and have some buddied help you load it at your current place and unload it at your new place.
Somewhere in there, you call the utility companies to turn on the gas/electric/cable/etc and you switch the mailing address on your various accounts.

That's it.

 

[hedrick]

Those are certainly the steps. But you don't necessarily have to do it alone. Talk with some of the other young adults at your church or at work. You can probably get advice from them on places in your area. Someone might even be willing to go along with you. You might also find someone to share a place with. That's gong to be less expensive, and you might prefer not to live alone.

There's a pretty good chance that there are others around you who are in similar situations. Talking to someone in person may be helpful.

 

[AndrewZinc]

I suggest talking to someone about this, perhaps your minister or pastor? If they understand the situation they may be able to help by talking to your parents, who will hopefully respect that person.

However, if things do not get better it seems to me the best thing to do would be to move out, even at the risk of hurting them.

You must respect your parents (and obviously, you do) but they must also not exasperate their children, and so they realise you feel like this but are unwilling to change, then it is them who are not following biblical commands.

 

[EazyMack]

Any of your friends looking for a roommate?

When it comes to toxic relationships, you need to keep the contact to a minimum. Unfortunately, this can even be the case with your own family. It's hurtful, especially when you start wondering if they're right about the things they say when they guilt-trip you. But you can honor your parents without bending to their demands. It would be more honoring to them to show the world how independent and self-sufficient you've grown up to be.

 

[guitarintro]

Any of your friends looking for a roommate?

When it comes to toxic relationships, you need to keep the contact to a minimum. Unfortunately, this can even be the case with your own family. It's hurtful, especially when you start wondering if they're right about the things they say when they guilt-trip you. But you can honor your parents without bending to their demands. It would be more honoring to them to show the world how independent and self-sufficient you've grown up to be.

Thanks for this.

I think the main fear I have is 'honouring them'. I want to honour them and live my own life and find a balance between that. I just feel very suffocated living under the same household because they constantly make demands from me.

 

[Messy]

In Holland we have houses where students live and only have to rent a room. Don't know if you have that. When I was 19 I couldn't stand the control of my father anymore, he controlled everything I did. Go to your room, you have to study! It was really hard to find such a room, but I prayed and two days later someone told me he found a christian students home.
I recently was divorced and had to live with my parents for a few weeks (I'm 43) and my dad came downstairs and got angry because I was up so late. I felt like 20 years back again, my goodness. Glad I have my own house. Don't forget to pray for it.