problem with best friend - PLEASE RESPOND

[malli3210]

Alright, this is a real long story, but as short as possible:

Basically her and i (a girl also; i'm 19, she's 17) are best friends, for the past only like 9 months we are inseperable, like sisters. i love her sooo much and we know more about eachother than we know about ourselves.
Lately, i've been realizing that as thankful that i am for her, this friendship sucks. i love her to death and am willing to give her anything or do anything for her, but that feeling and devotion is not mutual. she kinda treats me like ****. we are both christians and she even admits that she doesn't know why i love her so much because she is so mean to me, but it doesn't really change anything. its not like she's really MEAN to me all the time, she just doesn't really care about me the way that i care about her.
And see, personality wise: I am very emotional and deep and a huge people pleaser, i hate conflicts and every time we get in an argument i usually end up apologizing just cuz i want to end it. Also, considering that she is extremely stubborn and independent and won't apologize or admit her wrong for the life of her and she acts like she doesn't need anybody, she can do EVERYTHING on her own. (If anyone knows temperments, i'm phlegmatic meloncholy and she is sanguine choleric....i know!!)
So, when ever i tell her i feel like she doesn't love me or at least she doesn't show it and it scares me because i don't want to lose her, she makes me feel dumb for even caring and looking so deep into it.
anyway, i'm just sick of constantly crying over her. and i'm angry that God would even give me a friendship that is so jacked. i would do anything for her and i love her more than i ever knew i could love anybody (until i meet my husband hopefully), but i feel like she uses me and i'm just kinda a casual best friend and she doesn't really care about my relationship with Christ, or my feelings, or my life. so yeah, it sucks...
i don't know, i'm desperate...does anyone have any thoughts, reactions, understand at all, questions about it, i don't have anyone else to talk to about it besides my best friend and she doesn't really care, whatever, just anything.......

 

[malli3210]

by the way, i didn't know they were going to star the c-word up there, sorry...it looks bad. i would consider "jacked" or even "sucks" worse than "c" plus "rap", but oh well....

oh and also, i forgot to add that i'm also sad i guess that i can't have a close Christian relationship with any of my friends. not that i can't, i just don't. i would want my best friend to be the one that can keep me accountable and pray with me and stand by me when i'm struggling and encourage me, and even though i do all that for her it is not returned...sucks i know...a little discouraging, kinda depressing...............and i don't want a different best friend, i love her too much to give her up...

 

[Jenster]

Hi Malli,

Sorry to hear this relationship has got you tied up in knots. After reading your posts, I'm not what exact advice to give you. I do hear you, though, and I see what you're saying about how much you care about her and her not caring as much.

So I'll just tell you what my impression is. You seem not only to love her but to idolize her. Friends are very very important, but it sounds like you feel like you're nobody if she doesn't care about you. Maybe I'm not reading you right, but that's what it sounds like. The thing is, you totally ARE worth something. God completely adores you, head to toe and inside and out. Whether your best friend cares 100 percent or not; God right now cares about you deeply and unconditionally. More than your best friend ever could.

So anyway. I think your friend probably finds your attention and affection overwhelming. You need her to be everything to you, but she is putting you off because she can't be that. And she can't make you her whole world either; she doesn't seem to want to.

It's good you realize you want a close Christian relationship in your life. Those relationships take time. One person cannot ever fulfill all your needs (not even a husband). I encourage you to make more friends and spend less time with your best friend. You can still be friends with her, but give her some space. She won't leave you. She might even treat you better if you're not always depending on her.

Well, that's all I can think of. Take care, Malli.

 

[Nater_Tater]

You sounds SO much like me durring my first year of high school. I only had one friend and I hung around him constantly, but the situation was kinda like yours. I finally had enough of it and made some different friends. We still hung out every now and then, but I had alot better friendships with other people.

I think that's what you need to do, make more friends.
Pray to God to put the right people into your life. Remember, good friends will help you GROW in your relationship with Christ, bad friends will only distract you.

 

[rogsr]

God always draws a greater good out of every situation...if you give yourself to Him...completely

I am not going to sit here and lay judgements on your friend but I would suggest finding a new friend. People that treat you $#%@ don't give a %#$@ about you. Another life lesson that you will learn soon in your life is going to be the one about how most 'friends' are simply using you to attain something. Honestly, this person sounds like she is using you like a door mat. She is probably not happy with some aspect of her life and takes it out on you. Welcome to your first adult 'friendship.'

 

[JVD]

Some people just don't consider close friendships as important as other people do. It may have something to do with her personality. It sounds to me like you are being a very good friend but she is not responding in kind.

I don't think there is much you can do about that except to try to find other friends.

 

[tootfany]

WOW!!! I have resently had a relationship like yours. At the time I was 18 and she was 17. I helped lead her to the Lord our Sophmore year in high school. After that we were like sisters, everyone knew who we were because we were always together. Then slowly she began to get mad at me for no reason. She would always point out the bad thing I do and everything she didn't like in my personality. A lot of times she would make my cry. I would always wonder why she did this.
Sometimes I would "make her so mad" that she would just start yelling at me. I loved her so much and she would NEVER show the love in return. I would never yell back at her. I just stood there listening to what she was yelling. At times I had to bit my toung so I wouldn't say any thing. Soon she didn't want to have anything to do with me. I tryed to say "hi" and things like that but she acted like she hated me. And now she'll call me every once in a while telling me how much she misses me. I'm nice to her still because I know God loves her.
It's hard sometimes to love someone who has hurt you deeply, but we need to remember that God loves them so much He sent His only Son to die for them, and me and you. Just remember that!

 

[Alternate Carpark]

(If anyone knows temperments, i'm phlegmatic meloncholy and she is sanguine choleric....i know!!)

This is the crux of the matter malli.
Being a phlegmatic meloncholy, as I am, you think deeply, feel deeply and are very sensitive to the world and people around you.
These are all your qualities that God has designed you with.

You are a depth dweller, while at the other end of the scale, the Sanguine person is a surface dweller,
and Cholerics are serious unemotional(compared to meloncholies) factual types.

You are extreme opposites and opposites attract, but not always for the best reasons.
You and your friend speak different languages, percieve life differently and analyse life differently, it's a simple as that.

And that is why you are now percieving this problem. You may find that your friend loves you very much,
but in her Sanguine choleric way she is unable to love you the way you love her because that's how God designed her.

Opposites attract each other because each person sees in the other, abilities and traits that they want so they are attracted to that person.
Character clashes will be a part of these "opposite" relationships.
They logically have to be because of the opposite nature of each person.

Now that just explains the situation...what of the solution.

Love- Each person has the ability to sacrifice their personal aggenda for their neighbour.
Transformation- A personal relationship with God encompasses a continuous growth and transformation of our souls
into one that reflects the love and attitude of Christ.

Now just because God designed each of us with certain characteristics doesn't mean who we are now is not what we are meant to be.
All of us are who we are by feeding on information and processing this information on a daily basis from the moment we were born.
But because we live in a cursed world, we are not perfect. This is why God desires to transform us into the image of Christ.

So, knowledge of our personality types is not the end of the road of understanding who we are,
if anything it is just one small path that will lead to greater understanding.
And this perfect understanding can only come from a deep and open relationship with God.
He designed each and everyone of us and He has a particular purpose for each and everyone of us.
And WE ALL have a great destiny in Him, if we choose to trust and follow Him.

So you have to get these questions answered....
1: Is this friendship really what God wants or you is it what you want ?
2: Will you're friend ever be able to love you like you love her ?
3: What will become of you if the friendship ends or never develops to your God designed needs ?
4: Why did God design different personality types or are we just imperfect ?
5: Was Jesus perfectly displaying all of the personality types and it is us who only have parts of them because we are imperfect ?
6: What needs are you really looking to get fulfilled ?
7: Should you be looking at others to fill these needs or from God ?

That's just a few things to think about.
LOL I love it that God designed me the way I am, I love to delve deep.
But I clash frequently with my daughter because she too is Sanguine Choleric.

Now with all that said, so you can ponder the vastness of the situation, there is a quick way to look at your situation.

If you feel unloved, then hang around others who are like you, who explore life as you do.
Hang around similar personality types to see what it's like.
Compare the relationship you have with all the other personality types there are.

Now, I am not saying to end the friendship you have.
What I am saying is this, if you have emotional needs that a Sanguine CANNOT fulfill because they are sanguine and not because they don't want to,
then find fulfillment with someone of similar traits.
Finding fulfillment with someone else doesn't mean you have to end the current friendship does it ?

Personally, I believe that as we are transformed and become more and more like Jesus, we show an equal amount of ALL of the different personality types.
But we are not perfect at this time and complete perfection is not obtained till we get to heaven.

So it boils down to being in Christ and Christ being in us to develop our character to whatever it's meant to be.
And every decision we make in the meantime should always be in harmony with God's will.

 

[TheMainException]

Most likely she is just trying to save herself from so many problems that she is dealing with. Don't drop her in a heartbeat, stay with her, but just don't put so much into the relationship as before...keep loving her, be there when she needs you, even if she never returns the love...we are to love others with a love from the father alone. Keep God's love spread out good and thick, love her with all you've got and more. Don't cry over her though, simply love her like God loved sinners all around.

 

[TheMainException]

I do suggest that you look for some good Christians friends to start hanging with...go to a Christian club or some other Christian organization and see if you can start meeting people there...even if they don't seem to like you at first or don't seem like you, stay with it for a while, they may just be wary of new comers, be out there and search for them...don't make them search for you. Godbless sister!

 

[Richard]

tell her how you feel