prenuptials

[jthayer]

Let me give you a brief about how my finance and I got together first. We met a couple times a few years ago and this past year he went on the Declores weekend. While on the weekend he was praying about a mate and I came to his mind. So he did what he thought was obeying God and called a friend to find out if I was married yet, had kids, etc. He found out I was single (I almost got married last year to someone I dated for 5 yrs) so he called me and we've been together since. He proposed after only 4 months and we're supposed to be getting married January 1st.

He brought up the prenuptial idea to see how I felt about it. I told him it's like signing the divorce papers ahead of time and I will not marry anyone that would even suggest it. He seemed o.k. with my decision, but what bothers me is that he asked and he's seeking out to get opinions about it as well.

I just have a hard time believing that this would be God's ideal marriage. He is well established and we both have a son each from a previous relationship. So we're blending families. I'm open for opinions on this topic.

 

[IslandBreeze]

I told him it's like signing the divorce papers ahead of time and I will not marry anyone that would even suggest it.

I feel the same way, and I would stick to my guns on the issue. Prenups are nothing but a bad idea.

 

[HeatherJay]

I agree...you should live your marriage as though divorce is not even an option. Good luck

Love, Heather

 

[JOYfulbeliever]

Ditto to what they said

 

[JillLars]

I agree that you should stick to your guns about it, but don't blame your fiance for suggesting it, he may just be curious, I once brought up the subject with my fiance, not really for any particular reason. Just let your fiance know why you believe how you do, and let him know that you want him to trust your judgment on the matter rather than seeking others opinions. Be careful not to jump all over him though, he may just be curious about them and not fully understand your beliefs on the issue (that was the case when I brought it up).

 

[jthayer]

Thank you so much for your responses! He said he wouldn't ask me to sign them if I didn't want to, but he is trying to gather information and try to explain where he is coming from. I told him to please pray about it because I don't want him to marry me and just agree when he has doubt or may be nervous about it. I don't want our marriage to be one-sided, I want him to be comfortable with the decision too.

Regardless of where he is coming from I won't sign one and I won't get married until he spends time praying about it. Marriage is a covenenant not a contract!!!!

 

[Job24]

I think that in a situation where the spouse is extremly wealthy and wants to protect his or her assets but will agree to an acceptable offer to his or her spouse in the unfortunate situation that they got divorced... they can ruin a males entire career. I know that is almost assuming that they will get divorced but sometimes as a wealthy person you have to assume risks and make sure to cover yourself. Now if you are a middle class or not a wealthy person then you have no reason to sign one.

the only reason I can see why is because in American society men are routinely railroaded in the court system and woman can often use children against the man so that he will pay more to her. I am not saying dont pay child support or take care of you wife but I have seen many lop-sided battles lost because the system constantly batters men......

 

[JillLars]

Good Points Job!

 

[YouthPastor]

Job does make some good points and I agree. Normally I would say that a prenap. is not the thing to do.

However, like Job mentioned if you have this person that is very wealthy person (all done before marriage) - if a divorce happens - why should the spouse get half when they did not contriubute totally?

However, I do not think that if a divorce did happen that the "not wealthy" spouse whoudl walk a way with nothing either.

so basically - what Job said

 

[Peter]

If a man is concerned with losing his wealth, then he loves his money more than any other thing. Beware of such people.

As to the idea of the contract, it all depends on how you view marriage. If you see it as merely a legal contract, then why not? However, if you view marraige as a sacrement and as an icon of Christ's relationship with His church, then the contract is not needed.

BTW, what's a "Declores Weekend?"

Peace.

Peter

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Gee. Could this guy just come out and say, "I dont trust you." instead of beating around the bush?
When I got married, there was no doubt in my mind it was the right thing to do. No second thoughts or reservations ever crossed my mind.
I would not want to get married under the circumstances you are in. If you have any questions in your mind or issues like this presented to you, I don't think marrying is a good idea. I agree that prenups are signing divorce papers in advance.
You said you would never marry under those circumstances. I say do not compromise your ideals. Settle for nothing less than what you want.
I can tell you have a bad feeling about this.

 

[HeatherJay]

BTW, what's a "Declores Weekend?"

Peace.

Peter

I think this is what the OP was talking about. It's called "De Colores." Here's a link to an event coming up in Kansas City.

http://www.cursillo.org/kckcursillo/3day.html

I don't know much about it but I think it's a retreat for those people already somewhat 'advanced' in their walk with God. I might be a little off based, but maybe you can check it out

Love, Heather

 

[Peter]

Ah, it's a para-Catholic movement.

 

[chriso]

Don't make too big of deal out of it. He may just be wanting to protect his son's future. You could look at it from different angles. If you aren't willing to sign one then you could be considered "money hungry". If he wants you to sign one he may have some reservations about the marriage. If you truly feel this is the man God has in his plans for you. Go for it and sign the agreement. And don't worry needlessly. God Bless You in your decisions.

 

[jthayer]

Peter,

Have you heard of The Emmaus Walk? Declores is the same thing pretty much. It's a weekend retreat, Thursday - Sunday night. They have a men's walk, women's walk and one for the youths. It's a life-changing experience. Your first night you spend in silence, relaxing, praying whatever. There are no phones, and no clocks the entire time. Then you're in groups most of the time and you listen to lectures pretty much. After each lecture you participate in group activities that point out what you got out of the lecture. There's lots of worship and you eat a ton!

 

[jthayer]

Don't make too big of deal out of it. He may just be wanting to protect his son's future. You could look at it from different angles. If you aren't willing to sign one then you could be considered "money hungry". If he wants you to sign one he may have some reservations about the marriage. If you truly feel this is the man God has in his plans for you. Go for it and sign the agreement. And don't worry needlessly. God Bless You in your decisions.

You are right he is worried about his son's future. He's afraid that "if" we got divorced the court system would take him for half of everything he has. And of course I could honestly tell him now that I would never do that to him regardless of what my attorney tried - but it's not enough. My word is not enough!!! I can understand where he is coming from - but I'm broken and very sad about this whole thing. I'm almost ready to say forget it, he's the not the kind of person I want to marry. I like to have nice things but it's not the most important thing to me. I had a pretty good job and gave all that up so I could stay home with my son this past year. It kind of stinks because I can't just go and buy nice things like I used to, but I was willing to sacrafice that for spending more time with my little guy during the most precious years of his life. And even my finance said to his mother, I don't get it she doesn't know when she's getting her next paycheck and yet she's such a giver! I am a giver because I love to be a blessing to others. He has a hard time parting with things and just giving things away to a family that could really use it. He'd prefer to get at least $20 out of it. We're just so different in this area. And I have a hard time going into a marriage saying, "What if?" I wish I could hear God loud and clear about this whole thing!!!! If God tells me it's o.k. I will still bless your marriage if you sign a legal contract with him - I will do it.

 

[IslandBreeze]

If a man is concerned with losing his wealth, then he loves his money more than any other thing. Beware of such people.

I just want to re-iterate what Peter said.

 

[chriso]

Try to be understanding. He may have had a really bad first marriage. Just because he wants a prenup doesn't mean he will not treat you right and be a good husband to you and father to your son. That doesn't mean he will not be comitted to you. Maybe he is a little insecure and that is just a little insurance for him. Go with your feelings and don't let this stand in the way of a wonderful future with this man. God Bless You!!