Premarital discussions

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

If you could tell any couple that were considering marriage what to discuss before getting officially engaged, what would the topics be?

I'm just wondering, cos my bf and I are talking about marriage, and various relationship issues, and gradually working through them all, finding out about our family cultures, our belief systems on various issues, and what we each think is a good idea in regards to finances, kids, etc, but I'm wondering if there's anything we HAVEN'T discussed.

What would you have discussed before getting married, if you had the time over? What did you HAVE to have discussed before even thinking of getting married?

Thanks guys.

Sasch

 

[Ringu]

There will ALWAYS be something you missed. You are looking for some manual for what to discuss? Even after going through ALL the issues you can imagine and think of, you'll be so surprised when you actually get married. Oh, there will be stuff no books write about , believe me.

As for the topic, I and my fiance went through a book "Preparing for Marriage". I don't remember if what we went though was actually helpful... because real life school was so much better.

 

[MrsGnomeCrusher]

I don't think she's looking for a "guide" so to speak. Rather, I think she's asking married couples about issues that they didn't think were a big deal before they were married that turned into big deals AFTER the marriage?

Of course there's no better education than personal experience, but I think she's going about this relationship in a smart way and discussing a lot of important things before the event of marriage. I think this is a good idea for a topic, Sasch.

 

[LiberatedChick]

I agree there will always be something that comes up that was never thought about. General topics include how to manage finances, where you will live, kids...they're the major things at least. Some possible things to discuss for finances....joint account, separate accounts, combination of both? How much will you allow each other to spend on non-essential items each month? What would you class as non-essential? How will you ensure you both stick to the limits? How much will you aim to save each month? Will you both manage the finances or will one of you take care of them?

With regards to where you will live you need to think short term and long term. What kind of place would each of you like to live in....town, city, village, countryside, even another country? What kind of things do you look for in a good home? Would you be willing to undertake lots of work on a home to get it up to scratch? Who will manage the home? will you share out the chores evenly?

With kids most discussed topics are....how many? how will you discipline them? will either of you stay home to look after them? If so who? Will they go to a normal school or be home schooled? Will you set up a savings account for each of them and put money aside each month for them to have when they reach a certain age? If so what age will they be allowed to have the money and how much will you aim to save?

These are the kind of things we discussed though my husband and I never actually set aside time and said lets discuss x, y and z. We lived together before we were married so many of these things just came up and we discussed them as they did. Also just because you discuss one thing doesn't mean that a few years down the line the situation may have changed. Finances is an area that has come up several times between my husband and I because it's an area that usually requires re-evaluation to ensure that it's all working out how you hoped. Same with most things really....you can be given the best advice in the world but then on using it realise that it was the best advice for the person that gave it and not for you. You'll soon work out what works and what doesn't, what you both like and what you don't...it takes time and sometimes trial and error but that's part of learning to live with each other.

 

[Ringu]

I don't think she's looking for a "guide" so to speak. Rather, I think she's asking married couples about issues that they didn't think were a big deal before they were married that turned into big deals AFTER the marriage?

Well, there are practical things that they should discuss, important things that make difference. Like faith, money, parents, children, etc. But all books talk about it. Other practical questions are like "on which side of the bed do you like to sleep" or whatever about sex etc. does not really matter and you won't even possibly come to an agreement, you just have to learn it. Discussing stuff like that won't really affect marriage, you know what I mean? Some questions don't even make sence.

 

[isaiah5213]

one thing that came up for us, after marriage, was holidays...

some holidays were not a big deal to my hubby, but were huge for me.. & he didn't realize it, even when he got a big deal made out of his days.. (birthdays, spiritural b=days, valentine's day, etc...) he wasn't wrong, not to give me special treatments on these days, cuz he didn't know, he didn't understand, but at first, i thought he was mean & baaaad, because i was going on the "how could you not think this was a big day for me, because i did this and this and this..."... major sin on my part. it was just misunderstanding.. another day, was thanksgiving, & Christmases.. yikes. i thought everybody opened gifts on christmas morning, and i thought christmas meals were around 2.. in his family, christmas eve is HUGE. & then the morning is open for big christmas breakfast...

and a not so pleasant one... in my first marriage, i found out that on thanksgiving, in my ex's family, the women cook the food. the men eat the food. the men go to the tracks for the rest of the day...the women clean & take naps. did i have fun that day???? NO! my current hubby thought i was weird, to ask him about his thanksgivings when we were only dating! lol!

 

[andiesmama]

This one seems really little & petty, but HOUSE HOLD CHORES!! Are you expected to do all housework? Cooking/cleaning up dishes? How about emptying the garbage, taking it out? Who does the yard work? Who does laundry? Who pays the bills/balances checkbook?

Even tho you may decide to split everything 50/50 or say, you will take care of inside the house & hubby will take care of the outside, it's good to have the understanding ahead of time, does that sound silly?

By the way, that's what we did....I do inside the home, hubby takes care of outside & anything inside that needs "fixing up" (changing lightbulbs, dripping faucet, etc). The way he got out of mowing lawn & doing our bushes, etc was hiring a lawn service!!! sneaky.....

 

[LiberatedChick]

This one seems really little & petty, but HOUSE HOLD CHORES!! Are you expected to do all housework? Cooking/cleaning up dishes? How about emptying the garbage, taking it out? Who does the yard work? Who does laundry? Who pays the bills/balances checkbook?

Even tho you may decide to split everything 50/50 or say, you will take care of inside the house & hubby will take care of the outside, it's good to have the understanding ahead of time, does that sound silly?

By the way, that's what we did....I do inside the home, hubby takes care of outside & anything inside that needs "fixing up" (changing lightbulbs, dripping faucet, etc). The way he got out of mowing lawn & doing our bushes, etc was hiring a lawn service!!! sneaky.....

That doesn't sound petty at all. When I moved in with my husband before we were married (weren't Christian then) these things did come up. If we hadn't moved in before marriage we would have discussed them before no doubt. Right now I usually ask him to take out the rubbish and he cooks most of the time. I then wash up (he hates washing up), hoover and do other general cleaning and tidying (My husband must either not see mess or he purposefully ignores it lol)

 

[Buzz Dixon]

#1 -- The biggest challenge every couple faces will be about MONEY.

#2 -- Repeat.

Past that, keep your zippers up and be slow to anger, quick to forgive.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Thanks so much guys,

At the moment, we are living together (we were flatmates before we started this relationship), but that'll be changing within the next month. My personal convictions tell me that in order to have a healthy, God-honouring relationship, that will be blessed, I need to do this. We've been pure and 'good' (as mum puts it ) since we got togethere, but I must admit, because we came from flatmates, the stuff like who does what in a relationship (ie his views on housework, cooking, etc) haven't really been discussed, solely cos we were in a flatmate situation. It doesn't seem to have changed much since we started dating, but it's something I need to talk to him about.

Most of the stuff you have suggested having conversations about, we are all ready discussing, but some things I feel need a bit of clarification. The thing is getting him to think about it for a while, and actually getting him to come back to me with what he believes about an issue (ie. joint finances) - when I ask, he'll say, 'I think I like this idea, let me think for a bit', and then it seems he forgets to get back to me about what he REALLY thinks, and a few weeks down the track it'll come up and he'll go, 'oh yeah, what I said the first time'. That gets a bit frustrating, cos he tends to make the decision on his feelings and then forget to let me in on the belief he's formed so we can discuss it. We're still working on that one! He's very forgetful on things like that - it's not a chauvinistic thing, he just forgets until I bring it up.

Thanks for the suggestions, and keep them coming.

Sasch

 

[pegatha]

Don't forget in-laws. How much time do you expect to spend with his family? With yours? Which holidays? How much will they be involved in your everyday life? In your children's lives? If there are conflicts between you & your ILs, how will they be resolved? What indications are there that your BF will actually make you & the family you create together a higher priority than his family of origin? How does your BF's family handle conflicts and disagreements within the family?

I could go on and on, because in-law problems have truly been a huge stress for me ever since I married. My situation probably isn't the norm (at least I hope it isn't!) but you should both be aware that IL problems can be terribly destructive to your marriage, if you aren't both committed to putting the marriage first.

 

[bliz]

An interesting way to get at some of these issues can be for a couple to think ahead to scenarios they will face.

For example, you could pose the scenario: It's our first Christmas. Starting with Christmas eve, what do you see us doing?

...or... We both have a day off in the middle of the week! How do you see that day unfoldiing?

... or... a fantastic house next to your parents comes up for sale at a really great price. Should we buy it?

Often when you come on issues head on: "What abour seperate checking accounts?" we give the answers we think we are supposed to give, even as we are trying to be honest. When you come at them through scenarios you often get more accurate answers.

Not that such answers will make or break the marriage plans, but they can give you a good ides of what lies ahead and what things you will need to work out.

A friend of mine is married to a great guy whose mother was, shall we see, quite the fastedious housekeeper. The first time they had a cookout in the back yard she discovered that his mother would always rinse out the soda cans before putting them in the recycling or trash and wash off the paper plates before putting them in the trash! She had never heard of such a thing! Now, 20+ years into the marriage, she rinses out cans to make him more comfortable, but she does not rinse off paper plates, although she does take such trash out of the house right after the cook-out. She still thinks rinsing cans is stup[id, but she does that out of love and he has learned to tolerate unwashed paper plates. It's hard to predict what the issues in a marriage really will be!

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Hmm, have another thing to discuss with this...

I've been talking with my bf, and it seems like in a lot of issues that can affect a marriage, he sits on the fence, and hasn't made any deep down decisions on his beliefs. We had a BIG discussion (not an argument) on this last night, as I have looked towards marriage in this relationship, so want to know his beliefs on issues so that I know if there are any major differences in what we think about stuff, and start addressing that, so that I know if marriage is a sensible idea in the future for us. He, on the other hand, never had to think about this stuff seriously before, so hasn't, and finds his opinions being shaped by his mood at that moment. So, I honestly have nowhere to start in trying to see how our beliefs allign.

That confuses me. My opinions are fairly strong, as in just cos I'm not in the greatest mood doesn't mean they change - they are open to compromise however, so long as I can see where I've made a wrong decision, or can see that another view is just as right as mine. From a very young age I've been working out what I believe in regards to issues in the world, so to be in relationship with someone who hasn't, is a bit of a challenge. Cos he doesn't have a strong opinion on quite a number of issues (finances, family, approaching arguments, etc), they seem to change according to this mood.

Bit worried about this at the moment. Don't want to push him to start thinking seriously about different topics (he agrees that we have the potential to get married, it's not that he doesn't see us married, just hasn't thought so much about issues as I have), but would like to know EXACTLY what he feels about different issues.

Any advice on how to encourage him in thinking out these issues, without making him feel pushed?

Sasch

 

[pegatha]

Don't want to push him to start thinking seriously about different topics (he agrees that we have the potential to get married, it's not that he doesn't see us married, just hasn't thought so much about issues as I have), but would like to know EXACTLY what he feels about different issues.

Any advice on how to encourage him in thinking out these issues, without making him feel pushed?

Sasch

Sascha, the best thing I can think of is to just come out and ask him, in a loving way, of course. Something like, "You know that I believe pretty strongly in X, Y, and Z, and it's really important for me to know how you feel about those things. I wish you'd give them some thought, and maybe next Saturday we could talk about them over a cup of coffee." Or whatever expresses your wishes in a kind but direct way.

I understand that you don't want him to feel pushed, but on the other hand, there will probably be times in marriage when one or the other of you has no choice but to "push" an issue. What's important is how he reacts when he's pushed, or to put it in broader terms, when there's any sort of disagreement or difference between you. Does he handle conflict or uncomfortable topics in an open, loving, respectful sort of way? Or does he tend either to retreat from conflict, or become angered by it? I'm not saying you should ask him uncomfortable questions just to get a reaction out of him, but since an area of discomfort has arisen naturally, his reaction to it might tell you a lot about him.