Premarital Counseling

[Bootstrap]

I'm interested in exploring premarital counseling, which I'd like to do before getting engaged. (If one of the reasons for this counseling is to help decide whether to marry, it just makes sense to me to do it before getting engaged.)

What's out there? What's good, and what's bad? What should we want premarital counseling to do for us? How well does it work?

Jonathan

 

[unkern]

try to get pre-marital counseling from a close pastor. You want classes that will not only help you to know each other, but also expose things that havent been talked about before

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I only got halfway through an 8 week course, so I can't tell you how well it worked, but I can tell you there was some good stuff in it and I would want to go through this with someone I was thinking about marrying. The course went through the top areas that cause dissent in marriages. The parts that I did get were about roles, how to "discuss" issues, and I forgot the rest. I know sex and money were coming up. The course had a married couple as a leader and there were about 9 other couples in it. This was a program at a foursquare church.

I don't see this as even being close to the few sessions a pastor may require before performing a marriage. My friend did a few session with a pastor and she voiced that she wasn't sure she was ready. The pastor looked at him and asked him if he was hearing. She still married him and the pastor performed the wedding. They were married less than a year. You might want to look into Engagement Encounter after you decide to get engaged. Marriage Encounter did miracles with my parents marriage.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

try to get pre-marital counseling from a close pastor. You want classes that will not only help you to know each other, but also expose things that havent been talked about before

This is a good reason to choose a pastor/therapist who isn't close to you so they aren't afraid to rock the boat and the couple isn't afraid to expose themselves. If they aren't married, the pastor isn't qualified to teach a whole class. It should be a married couple who can give some insight from both sides.

I forgot to mention that learning how men communicate differently and need different things to feel appreciated was an education.

 

[peanutbutter12]

I disagree that the pastor HAS to be married. It's part of pastoral training to give premarital counseling, so they should know what to bring up and topics to discuss. I also don't think there should be another person involved besides the 3, boy/girl/pastor because the more people who are there, the harder it will be to be as open as possible. Also there is the pastor/couple digression he should stick to and none of the information given should leave the walls, much like confession or discussing issues in our lives.

I also recommend using the pastor whom is close to you simply because they will know more about which topics to hit on judging by knowing you rather than someone who is scripting it. It will end up being more personal and more beneficial to the couple in the long run. Any good pastor who wants the couple to succeed in their marriage will "rock the boat" simply because they will want to get any issues of importance worked out beforehand rather than later.

 

[peanutbutter12]

I only got halfway through an 8 week course, so I can't tell you how well it worked, but I can tell you there was some good stuff in it and I would want to go through this with someone I was thinking about marrying. The course went through the top areas that cause dissent in marriages. The parts that I did get were about roles, how to "discuss" issues, and I forgot the rest. I know sex and money were coming up. The course had a married couple as a leader and there were about 9 other couples in it. This was a program at a foursquare church.

I don't see this as even being close to the few sessions a pastor may require before performing a marriage. My friend did a few session with a pastor and she voiced that she wasn't sure she was ready. The pastor looked at him and asked him if he was hearing. She still married him and the pastor performed the wedding. They were married less than a year. You might want to look into Engagement Encounter after you decide to get engaged. Marriage Encounter did miracles with my parents marriage.

You're right, that was a bad way to go about it. Marriage counseling is a personal thing, not a classroom thing. I can see how it would be hard as, if it's one of those Foursquare Churches out west, they are huge and might not be able to have the time to do things individually, but they sacrifice quality counseling because of that, which is one of the reasons I hated being part of one when I was out there. Everyone who worked for the church was always so busy.

As for your friend, the pastor should have brought up with them the discussion that if they weren't ready, that they shouldn't go forward with it, which I'm sure is the case. However, if she wasn't ready, why did she not pull out of it? Apparently she changed her mind at some point because the ceremony continued on. There is only so much a pastor can do in these counseling sessions. They aren't miracle workers or dictators and in the end, it's the responsibility of the couple to make the decision. Some pastors would have put their foot down and not married them, most wouldn't have because they just would have found another pastor to marry them somewhere else. While it's the job of the pastor to give information, it's also the job of the couple to soak in that information and make the final decision themselves.

Premarital counseling isn't a fail safe system, but it can provide you the help to get through hard problems. After that, it's up to the couple to apply that information or not.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I disagree that the pastor HAS to be married. It's part of pastoral training to give premarital counseling, so they should know what to bring up and topics to discuss. I also don't think there should be another person involved besides the 3, boy/girl/pastor because the more people who are there, the harder it will be to be as open as possible. Also there is the pastor/couple digression he should stick to and none of the information given should leave the walls, much like confession or discussing issues in our lives.

Do you know of any pastors who do 8 weeks of pre-marital counseling? I've never heard of such a thing. The most I've heard of is 3 weeks and there is no way such sessions are going to touch on the same subjects in any kind of depth. Most people don't go to a pastor until they're ready to set the date. After going that far, there are many people who will continue on despite doubts just because they made a decision.
Some of the couples in the pre-marital classes I went to were already engaged, some were married, some were trying to figure out if they were ready to get engaged. These pre-marital classes would be followed by meetings with the pastor if the couple was ready to set a date.

Do you realize that most pastors are not licensed counselors? A pastor should be able to give counsel on scriptural matters and on basics, but an unmarried, non-licensed pastor preparing a couple for marriage? Come on. I can see him saying something like, I'm told wives will feel hurt if you XXXXX. That has almost no meaning unless he's experienced it himself. I have no problem with an unmarried pastor going through the routine questions prior to performing a marriage, but I think it would be ridiculous for a single to try to teach the type of in-depth pre-marital classes I was referring to.

As far as there being other couples there..... it was beneficial. You got to hear other people's experiences, trials, advice. Each week there was homework to do with your partner. That is where some serious in-depth talking would occur. The leading couple was also available for private conversations.

Any good pastor who wants the couple to succeed in their marriage will "rock the boat" simply because they will want to get any issues of importance worked out beforehand rather than later.

I wish they were all good. Obviously with the divorce rates the way they are, what's being done isn't enough.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

You're right, that was a bad way to go about it. Marriage counseling is a personal thing, not a classroom thing. I can see how it would be hard as, if it's one of those Foursquare Churches out west, they are huge and might not be able to have the time to do things individually, but they sacrifice quality counseling because of that, which is one of the reasons I hated being part of one when I was out there. Everyone who worked for the church was always so busy.

Right about what? My friend's counseling took place at another church and she didn't do the 8 week pre-marital counseling I discussed. She and her fiance went to a few sessions alone with the pastor.

The four square church I've started attending, which is the same one I went to for the pre-marital counseling about 3 years ago, is nothing like you've described. There is no "sacrificing" of quality counseling going on. The pastors do marriage counseling if asked. They also offer (and I was told it was just about required before a couple could marry) the 8 week pre-marital classes. A couple would still have to talk to a pastor before getting married. The 8 week class wasn't taking the place of pastoral counseling.

I was told that it was a regular occurence after these classes that some couples would break up. These couples explore issues before getting married and often find they weren't as compatible, flexible, or as commited as they thought they were.