Prayers for an Aspie

[rsully2013]

Hello,
My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years has Asperger's and lately it's begun to take a toll on my life. I've gotten accustomed to his quirks and I accept him the way he is, but lately he has been very irritable and has me worried. During this time that he's been so mean to me for doing small things "wrong" I've just been quiet, not knowing how to respond to him. I still love him, and I know that he loves me in his own way, but he has been off lately.

The other day I suggested that we talk to a counselor together to help our communication and to help me cope with his quirks. He exploded on me again.

I guess the point of this post is to reach out to anyone else in this situation. Please keep my boyfriend in your prayers, and me as well since I am losing my faith and my mind slowly in this relationship. I need support because right now I just feel so broken. I also know that my boyfriend has stopped going to church and pray that he will be listening for God to call him as well since he has not been saved.

Just keep us in your prayers, and please leave any support you can.

Thank you.

 

[Sabertooth]

Praying for you.

This is from an adult with Aspergers [me]:

This is from a communications gap. There are two parts to the solution,

If you want to pursue this relationship, I would seek out a spouses of Aspergers support group, on-line or in-person, and see if they include girlfriends.

Secondly, we Aspies tend to be perfectionists when we are young and tend to get easily frustrated when things don't go the way we expect them to. (Some of us never grow out of that.) This can frustrate attempts at social adaptation. If you learn how he ticks (through a group like above), you can roll with that, but until he lays down his perfectionism,* he will always be a de facto tyrant. Even if his assessment of a situation is correct, he needs to give people room to fail (short of at the expense of life or limb or criminal implication). He can even offer his best advice, if sought, and withdraw support for what he thinks is a bad decision, but he needs to leave your final decisions, right or wrong, to you.

*See my blog post, Perfectly Mistaken. If he is saved, have him read it, too. If he is not saved, he will have little motivation to change.

 

[rsully2013]

Thank you so much for that. It really helps me to understand how much of a perfectionist he is, and your blog is amazing at outlining perfection from God's point of view rather than ours.

I'm continuing to pray that he will be receptive to working on our communication.

 

[Sabertooth]

If he can wrap his head around that higher perspective, he can still pursue a sanctified type of perfectionism and remain faithful to God at the same time.

 

[LovedSparrow]

Hi rsully,
A red flag comes up in my mind of, is this abuse? Is his 'real' character starting to show? I was in an abusive relationship and so when I read your post, it got my attention.

It sounds as if his anger is really starting to wear on you. It doesn't seem that you can do many things right around him. That is draining.

If he is yelling at you, examining every area of your life to a detail, exploding on you and taking his anger out on you, that's abusive. It sounds like it has just been 'lately,' so it may be he is unhappy with something in his life, or something is out of his control. Often when people are afraid, they react in anger.

Aspie or not, him taking his anger out on you isn't acceptable.

I'm glad you're reaching out for help. I wanted to ask, have you noticed these behaviors in him before? I don't want to scare you, but if this is indeed abuse, I encourage you to leave the relationship, or get counseling for you both, make sure he's willing to change. It will only wear you down until you have nothing left. If it's just something going on in his life, (either way), Sabertooth has good advice.

I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill, but I don't want you to experience a destructive relationship.

It could very well be he's not abusive at all, just having a hard time in life, which I can completelyyyyyy understand. I just wanted to explore all avenues with you. We care about you.

*off my podium*

LovedSparrow

 

[rsully2013]

Thank you LovedSparrow for bringing that up. It's something that my mother actually is worried about as well - she just shared her fears with me not long before your reply. At this point, I don't know if it's the "real" him coming out or not. I've worked with a sexual assault resource center for years, but I never even considered that my own relationship could be abusive. Now, I want to say that it's just a rough patch, but then that's what most people in an abusive relationship would say...

It certainly is worth thinking about...He apologized for being so mean to me the other day, but I don't know if this is just a cycle that is going to repeat itself.

Many more things to pray about

 

[Sabertooth]

I did say "de facto tyrant..." That doesn't let him off of the hook. It just gives him a way out, if it applies. He will remain antisocial [read: abusive], if he doesn't temper his perfectionism.

If his control/abuse issues run deeper, it won't be enough of a fix.

 

[dayhiker]

I think you have got to at least tell him you need to know what he is thinking about what he has put you thru and why he did that. Include in what he needs to tell you about how he feels about you.

If he is like me, he can't do that like you can, just going from your emotions and feelings to words. When I want to say something new I have to think about my emotions and feelings to get in touch with them and then verbalize them. So you can't just ask and get an immediate answer. Ask a specific question and say you would like an answer tomorrow when you talk.

He probable isn't used to this, but I had to figure it out as my marriage failed partly because of my inability to communicate.

Hope that helps a little. Its a big topic and not one solved quickly ... ie it will take a lot of work for both of you.